Trying to Not have hope

To my mind, hope isn't the issue here. To me, it's about where you place it. When you start hoping for things that depend on factors outside of yourself, you are letting go of all of your personal power as it makes you dependent on the whims of another.

By all means, hope! But combine it with using your own power and talents to better your situation and to judge when it's better to look for another situation. Your current hope rides on two people wanting the same thing and both actively and consistently working towards that point when your observations tell you that isn't the case.

In situations like those, act to untangle the ties of attachment you have with this person to such a point that you can move on. A good way to do so is to get and keep active and focusing on yourself to rediscover the things that make you a great person and what you need to do to hold onto that even in a relationship. From that realization, any future relationships will have a better chance of working out.

I had a similar situation down to the 9 months relationship, the only difference is that now nearly another 9 months of NC since he ghosted me when I expressed my feelings of dissatisfaction by the way I was been treated (hoping he would want to adjust in order to not lose me). Yep 9 months down the line, total NC and still have ups and downs. It is the idea that he owes me an apology, explanation or closure.
But I believe something better will come out of this once I finally get over the whole situation eventually.

I came to understand that he disappeared and gave nothing in return simple because he hasn't got nothing to give. 


Good luck.

I totally agree with you.

We can't heal if we don't know what is the disease we have got.

In this particular case, I was hesitant and fearful of expressing my feelings and setting boundaries from the beginning of the relationship because I was scared of losing him. Although I wasn't as clingy and needy as I used to be in past relationships, I definitely didn't express myself as clearly as I could and didn't confront him when he was treating me in a way that I didn't like. I did speak up a bit, I was slightly assertive in some instances but I can see now I didn't do it as well as a person with a secure attachment style would have done. I was fearful of intimacy too.

I can see it now but I couldn't see it then. 

When I sent him the unfortunate text message, I was honest and polite.
It was a reply to his message cancelling a date with me (again) 3 days after my dad died far away in my home country (I couldn't travel to his death bed because I was on holidays abroad myself, my dad died the morning I was coming back home). DA ex offered me no support at all, got even more distant and very cold. I think he was worried that I would need him to be emotionally strong for me which wasn't the case at all. I was serene. But if you are with someone who call you a partner, don't you expect them to at least call you when your parent dies? He also could be in my house in 15 minutes if he wanted to. Or call me at least for Gods' sake!.
He just sent text messages in two hours intervals. We were together for 9 months.

Before my holidays abroad, he cancelled a date the day before my departure (by text message) and replied with a 'maybe' when I asked him if he was going to be waiting for me on my return...the only reason I asked that question was because he was complaining he would be lonely and bored while I was gone. I didn't even entertain his attempt to create insecurity and chaos. I just changed the subject. maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he feels loved only if his girlfriend act needy and desperate. Bingo, this never occurred to me until now.

During my holidays he sent a message, joking, saying that he was thinking about going back to the dating website. Again, I replied with something else. Another mistake because I thought it was immature and not funny but I just ignored and talked about something else. Should have expressed exactly what I was feeling.

I texted him the night before I came back and when I was arriving but he didn't make any plans to see me even though it was a Sunday morning. He replied vaguely, I replied then he disappeared for the whole day, showing up by text message again in the evening when I told him that my dad had passed away. After a few scattered messages in 2 hours intervals from him, I was replying straight away, I said good night and went to sleep. He texted me back on Monday 3pm with a hard, cold
"Are you ok?" He used to message me every morning on normal days full of sweetness and love.

Anyway, he then decide that I should go and see him on Wednesday, the only day he would have some 'spare time' (his words) and then cancelled on Wednesday afternoon by text message. That was when I really saw that I needed more than crumbs. He wasn't valuing or cherishing me. I was feeling taking from granted.

So my message to him was along the lines that I was feeling very confused by his behaviour and he knew I had been struggling with it lately (silent treatments and lack of time for me). I said that it wasn't fair on him or me that I keep expecting him to act in any different way. I said that the way we process emotions and feelings seemed to be opposite and I sensed that we had different wants and needs from a relationship. I was wondering if we were right for each other. Then I asked what he thought? Did he agree?

Then I was met with silence.

And that is why I say he ghosted. He could have replied to my messages. I was expressing doubts, but I don't think I broke up as such. And I asked him a question. He didn't answer, or rather he did, with silence.

The day after, I sent him another message, apologising for not saying what I said in the first message face to face and explaining that I was really confused, grieving etc. I said that I felt if I saw him I would 'crumble' and not be able to express my feelings. I explained that I was just trying to look after myself and my emotional health. I said that I thought he was an amazing guy and I thanked him for everything he brought to my life. I said I would always have dear memories of him.

Again nothing back.

Then I called him 4 days after, he didn't answer or call back. I decided to leave him alone.

I don't know why I am explaining this, what I am trying to convince myself or other people of... the truth is, I feel horrible still and I wish I had the strength to have handled it much better. I just didn't want to change my mind about telling him my feelings, hence the text message. If few more days passed, I would again see him like a necessity in my life, put him on a higher pedestal and would be steeping on eggs not to make him pull away further when in fact he was pulling away because that is what he does due to his attachment style. 

So yeah, he doesn't owe me anything but I think an emotional healthy person would have given some sort of reply. Or maybe I have too high expectations? I know that the break up was necessary. I am not sure if I broke up or if he did it, but it seems to me that he was preparing to do it anyway. Maybe he felt relive when received my messaged and dispaeread in order to avoid been sucked into the relationship again. 

Who knows?

Only him, but after nearly 9 months no contact, I won't contact him again. It is painful. It is ridiculous that I still need closure. but I will break through.

Although I know I didn't do the right think, it was only a careless mistake in a moment of pain and confusion. Hopefully is a lesson well learned. And hopefully I will forgive myself one day.

That’s ok guys! We are all here to grow and learn. It’s helpful to know that others have gone through similar situations. I am truly depressed by this, but I am starting to have an understanding of why this was not healthy and I can truly empathize with you. I feel like I went through the same thing... I went back and read some of your threads. I find comfort, but now I must find a way to move on to make sure to never go through this again. Thanks for sharing with me.