You are worthy and you matter!!!!

Thank you.

I'm feeling so down today, so thank you tnr9.

I think i've finally let go of hope, and now I'm just left with my wounds and feeling like I'm broken, and will never have a healthy relationship

Flic, you’re gonna come through this. I feel your words and you’re not alone. Do something extra nice for yourself tomorrow.

Thanks Yasmin....it truly feels like a disability to finding a secure relatiinship at times...but I am trying to be a lot more understanding towards myself.  I think for APs...the message is...you "could" have the consistent love you want as long as you....(fill in the blank).  Somehow, being who we are was "not ok" for our caregivers and it seems it is still "not ok" in our adult dating life.  Part of it is definately the partners we unconsciously choose...nothing is more attractive to me than a man who is not quite "all in"...his ambivilence feeds my feelings of "not ok" while also activating the "hope of that very little girl" that this time it could be different.  But part of it is unconcious coping strategies we learned all so many years/decades ago.  I do believe I have become an expert at worrying over minuet pieces of data, I have a spidey sense for subtle shifts that don't usually mean the impending rejection I always label on them, I have an attachment system that has become overloaded, is always "on" and loves nothing more then to tell me that there is a problem that must be addressed "now" like a four alarm fire (even when there is nothing wrong), I can take random bits of unrelated data and create a story that is so vivid..I honestly believe it is true (and it is usually a story that proves just how easy it is to leave/abandon/reject me), I can also find "hope" in the smallest gesture that keeps me convinced that it is possible to get water from a turnip or have an ambilivent man decide that I am "the one".  I know there are a ton more coping strategies that I have brought forward that make me a great catch for the exact men who won't ultimately give me the love, acceptance and security I long for.  It is exhausting at times to look across decades of this and say....I am ok....and then try to self sooth instead of self medicate or distract.  While DAs may enjoy the solitude of being without a partner...my wiring craves connection to another....the issue is that I have such a deficit of connection from my childhood that there is an urgency in me to want connections to become deeper/closer on a much shorter timeline than the partners I choose.  So the deficit remains...and I end up looking desperate/needy and unable to have the "balance" that I long for between relationships to others and the other parts of my life.  I feel I need a sticker that says "Under renovations, pardon the mess".