|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 6, 2018 21:07:58 GMT
Right after the singles group...I went over and had small talk with B. I then went to talk to other people and came to collect my things to leave, and I started to cry. At this time a different girl in the community approached me about going shopping together and as I was giving her my contact information...B sat at the table. I thought he had seen me cry and wanted to talk to me (but in hindsight he was waiting for the other girl to ask about lunch). He asked if I was going to lunch and I said "no" and he asked if I just don't want to go to lunch anymore and I said that I wanted to allow him a chance to catch up with others without it being ackward. He then asked why I was sad...and I asked him if we could go outside...he agreed. Honestly, I should not have even engaged in another conversation with him....I was just really emotional....but I ended up telling him that I was struggling with seeing him every week chatting up with other girls and that I was considering leaving the community. I said that I owned the fact that the issue was completely mine and that I was waiting on a response from God. He then got a bit sad and said he did want to hurt me to which I said that he should stay because he is a blessing in the community. I told him that any girl would be so blessed to have him as a husband. He told me he wanted the best for me and I said that I wanted the best for him as well. Basically, I said too much....and as such, I don't think he is going to ever hang out with me again.☹️ I am not even sure he will talk to me again...I think I simply overwhelmed him with my emotionality and I should have simply let him be and dealt with it on my own. I feel absolutely wretched.
|
|
|
|
Post by DearLover on May 6, 2018 22:11:36 GMT
Don't.
He engaged you and asked why you were sad. You replied. It is good to let feelings of your chest and you said lovely things to him. You also were clear to him that you recognise the issue is yours. You have done nothing wrong, if he never speaks to you again, being in peace that it isn't you fault.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 6, 2018 23:27:05 GMT
Don't. He engaged you and asked why you were sad. You replied. It is good to let feelings of your chest and you said lovely things to him. You also were clear to him that you recognise the issue is yours. You have done nothing wrong, if he never speaks to you again, being in peace that it isn't you fault. Thank you for this...here is the problem however...although I said a lot of nice things...I am not sure how he received it...I did not ask enough questions, I did not check in to make sure he wasn't checking out. I honestly thought I could manage my expectations and not let my emotions get away from me...but I guess I still have so much work to do there. |
|
|
|
Post by DearLover on May 6, 2018 23:36:49 GMT
Don't. He engaged you and asked why you were sad. You replied. It is good to let feelings of your chest and you said lovely things to him. You also were clear to him that you recognise the issue is yours. You have done nothing wrong, if he never speaks to you again, being in peace that it isn't you fault. Thank you for this...here is the problem however...although I said a lot of nice things...I am not sure how he received it...I did not ask enough questions, I did not check in to make sure he wasn't checking out. I honestly thought I could manage my expectations and not let my emotions get away from me...but I guess I still have so much work to do there. Well, that is his job to deal with his feelings and emotions. The way he received it is his problem not yours. Is he working on his attachment wounds? You are working on yours and you are doing a great job. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 7, 2018 12:30:20 GMT
Thank you for this...here is the problem however...although I said a lot of nice things...I am not sure how he received it...I did not ask enough questions, I did not check in to make sure he wasn't checking out. I honestly thought I could manage my expectations and not let my emotions get away from me...but I guess I still have so much work to do there. Well, that is his job to deal with his feelings and emotions. The way he received it is his problem not yours. Is he working on his attachment wounds? You are working on yours and you are doing a great job. Hey DearLover...he is working on a lot of areas in his life...but not specifically "attachment issues" because he and I never spoke of them. I know that he is responsible for his feelings etc. But I disagree that it is also his responsibility to correctly interpret what I was trying to say...I think validating a correct understanding falls to both parties...if the receiver doesn't ask clarifying questions...the speaker can do so to ensure the listener understood the intention. I think far too often, we leave it to the listener and that is when misunderstandings occur between 2 people. The fact is...I was too emotional/tired and should have honored the HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and simply have waited for my emotions to settle. This morning my attachment system is going off like crazy and all I want to do is reach out....but I won't. I will instead, just sit with the pain that has been activated...that sense that I ruined everything because of who I am...that is not true...he hasn't deleted me as a friend, he liked a photo on my page...and behind the fear...I know we are ok. He will likely rethink hanging out...which sucks...but i guess I am not ready for hanging out and not hoping for more. I will give him space by leaving right after the singles group and not going over to talk to him. He has moved on so much faster than me. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 7, 2018 18:04:44 GMT
Today is a better day.....I am grateful to this community that I am not alone. I still wish I had handled things differently, but life is full of ups and downs....and I am committed to making Sunday a learning lesson.
|
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on May 8, 2018 0:01:05 GMT
Tnr9, be kind to yourself here. Part of all of this is working towards getting to a place where we do NOT keep questioning every little thing we said or did and how it led to the other person's decision to disengage. Whether they engage or disengage is their choice. IT's about them, not you!
Keep reminding yourself that you want people in your life who will let you be you-- sometimes emotional, someone with feelings, beautifully imperfect-- and they won't just decide to walk away because of that. You don't want friendships where you have to be guarded, censor yourself, etc. I know you have deep feelings for this guy, but you didn't do or say anything wrong on Sunday. You were just being honest the best way you could be.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on May 8, 2018 0:50:01 GMT
Tnr9, be kind to yourself here. Part of all of this is working towards getting to a place where we do NOT keep questioning every little thing we said or did and how it led to the other person's decision to disengage. Whether they engage or disengage is their choice. IT's about them, not you! Keep reminding yourself that you want people in your life who will let you be you-- sometimes emotional, someone with feelings, beautifully imperfect-- and they won't just decide to walk away because of that. You don't want friendships where you have to be guarded, censor yourself, etc. I know you have deep feelings for this guy, but you didn't do or say anything wrong on Sunday. You were just being honest the best way you could be. Thank you so much. The thing is.men do not like drama and I was crying a lot...so my fear is that he will pull away. ☹️ |
|
