"You're just incompatible"

I'd have said I was secure before my last relationship, but now I think maybe i had AP tendencies but I was just in a really good space mentally (I'd really embraced independence and and was loving single life). I actually think that's why my ex was so intro me - he felt very safe, but didn't find me boring (because little did he know, im a crazy AP!).

I did have a 5 year relationship with someone who i think was secure, though he was still a bit emotionally unavailable (and i did act out a lot and throw tantrums...not because i thought he would leave me, but because of the lack of intimacy i think).

You're right though, I did feel safe with him, even if it meant i was bored sometimes

The thing is, my most recent ex never did anything particularly overt to make me feel not good enough, by all accounts he was an amazing boyfriend - so much physical intimacy and always doing nice things for me. I just never felt quite at ease or safe, because i always knew he was holding back a bit, never quite letting me in, and sometimes i'd get anxious about the space he needed, which was new for me to feel (I didn't realise some of is unease in letting me in was just fear, which i feel bad about now because he basically told me it was). I feel like he might be more FA than DA? As soon as he didn't feel safe with me he ran. But that's kind of my point - I feel like he was justified in doing so - so it's hard not to feel like if I just changed, he wouldn't have run away. And, it was always always exciting with him.

I feel like i actually have to change my desire for excitement and adrenaline in the early stages of a relationship - which feels so counter-intuitive! Do you feel like that, or are you able to say that's what you want, and go after the safety? 

Hey Flic...our attachment issues only come out when we are in relationships...which explains why we can feel so in control and secure when we are not with a partner and then be completely surprised at how triggered we are with one. I believe B is FA as well with DA tendencies. Things get to be too much...he pulls back..way back....because he cannot handle strong emotions...and I am a very emotional girl...so even trying to navigate back to friendship has been challenging.

I think the best thing you can do (if you are truly interested in moving on) is to change your thoughts about where you are at and also your thoughts about him. Right now...what you are calling your "hopeful side" is simply the little girl who wants to believe a different outcome is possible with this man....change the dialogue to say..."I let this man go in love, while I look forward to dating a man who is...(name the specific characteristics you are looking for)". And then visualize yourself with someone else who treats you the way you want (don't let your picture ever go back to one with him).

For APs, we hate to give up on anyone we love because to give up on our parents wasn't an option....even with the inconsistent responses, we still developed hope that we could achieve a different outcome...and all we have done is transferred that very message onto our dating partner. But our dating partner is not our parents....so we can let them go..in love.

It is a lot of work to catch yourself in the act of

The struggle is real. I think for a long time I felt like there must be some "solution," some strategy for "letting go"; either I hadn't found it or deep down I didn't really want to let go.  Then I decided it was impossible to let go.  I don't know what I think now, though I am finally able to be more rational about it.

I can't say I ever found a magical strategy (and we're talking a full decade). It's just that eventually-- preferably in less than a decade-- you realize that you want to love people who will stick around and put in more effort, and Mr/MsDA is never going to be that person. If they were, you wouldn't be on these forums.

I know hope can spring eternal. But you're right, one doesn't have to keep fanning the flame just because it can't be fully extinguished. Whatever behaviors you engage in that are your version of "fanning the flame"-- keep trying from different angles to do it less. And whatever would fan OTHER flames, keep trying to do that more. And it won't change quickly, but it will change by degrees, until you feel like you have finally changed.