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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2018 12:34:57 GMT
This morning I have felt especially sad because last night a friend of mine pointed out that I am an enabler, where I always saw myself as simply allowing B to come to his own conclusions and make his own changes (which, to me was accepting/loving him where he was/is). She said I tolerated behavior that I should have called out. Now granted, B is not perfect...if you simply compared circumstances...I would look far better of a catch. But I told her, circumstances change and you can't base a relationship solely on circumstances...besides, B is making all kinds of positive changes. She says that I am justifying the areas that haven't changed by focusing only on the ones that have. Writing this out...I know I am not in an incredibly mature place.....but the conversation really bothered me. I get that everyone wants me to move on.....but why does everyone want to tear him down? Ugh.
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Post by leavethelighton on May 13, 2018 23:49:58 GMT
Maybe your friends want to help you move past regret or the "what ifs" to help you feel confident you made the right decision in breaking up... but I get also trying to have some generosity of spirit since you cared for him and knew them best. It is easier for other people to see only someone's negative side if they didn't know the person as well as you did.
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Post by yasmin on May 14, 2018 0:10:20 GMT
My friends said thus to me about my FA ex and I felt similarly. After a while I saw they were right.
Were you accustomed to excusing bad behavior with parents / siblings?
I know I was and it became a habit when I was dating an avoidant to justify and minimise his bad behaviour instead of calling him out.
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2018 0:47:48 GMT
My friends said thus to me about my FA ex and I felt similarly. After a while I saw they were right. Were you accustomed to excusing bad behavior with parents / siblings? I know I was and it became a habit when I was dating an avoidant to justify and minimise his bad behaviour instead of calling him out. That is a really good question Yasmin...I think I could not see my parents as flawed so I did excuse and justify bad behavior...especially by my dad. But I think there is also this thought that people don't change unless they want to and I never thought of any of his bad habits as being deal breakers. I just thought at some point he would decide to address those on his own....what I did not count on was him addressing them after he broke up with me. |
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