Post by Deleted on May 13, 2018 16:11:41 GMT
I've been my boyfriend for one year now. He has depression, severe anxiety, is quite socially awkward as well.
When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.
Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.
He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.
His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.
If I try to communicate my needs or explain how I feel hurt by the mixed signals. He always tries to avoid the serious talk.
I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.
I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.
We had a slight disagreement two months after starting dating. He came over to my house. Was too focused on his phone texting his friends. He hardly said anything to me. I felt invisible. I felt ignored. I wasn't sure if it was going to work. I told him how I felt. He took it very difficult. Despite me apologising to him (me having to apologise). For six months, he held it against me to the point it became a grudge. We stopped having sex. We still hung outside. But he stopped coming over.
I gave him an ultimatum - either he lets go of this resentment and we focus on having a relationship or I walk away for good. He chose to give things a go. Things got better.
Seven months into the relationship, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.
Some time after, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.
Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.
When he got back. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.
As we were work colleagues and worked extremely close together. Whenever I displayed affection, he would push me away. I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was eager to know.
If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.
I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.
His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands. He stayed over on Friday evening. Made it clear that he didn't want to discuss our relationship and nor his decision. However, he informed he wants to maintain in a relationship together. However, we cuddled up and he admitted he likes affection but in small doses.
He also informed growing up - his relationship with his father has always been more of a friendship than a father/son relationship. His mum phones weekly. He only speaks to his dad every four months. I'm fairly sure this avoidance comes from the relationship he had with his dad as a child. They never played football together. They didn't do brother/son stuff together.
His sister had a car crash 20 years ago. She had PTSD and said some really cruel things to him. He has held this against her even 20 years on.
He has been reserved most of his life. Started having depression since the age of 18. Was very unsure of himself. His now 42.
Quite a few times when I have confronted him on certain things. He gets upset. Even after talking about it and talking about the harmful emotions. He tends to only focus on his feelings. He will say it's okay. I'm feeling better. Let's move on and give our relationship another go. Where I would carry on thinking everything is fine. He has forgiven and forgotten. He secretly won't. He would hold a grudge. Distant himself. Make plans and then cancel them on the last minute. Stay away from having an sexual relationship with me.
I have told him I've had enough of the lack of communication. Although he has informed I feel more for him more than he feels for me. He wants to remain in the relationship with me and he does care for me very much.
I made it clear that he should be honest and instead of stringing me along - then he should pick up the phone and tell the truth.
I also informed that he has dodged us talking about the status of our relationship. He doesn't communicate and isn't honest. When he pushes me away when I go to touch him, it feels like rejection. I told him I missed him whilst he was on holiday and he couldn't tell me the same. But he finds when I give him compliments - he finds it difficult as his not that way i.e receiving compliments. He apologises for not being honest but he tried to avoid confrontation. In a nutshell, he admitted he finds intimacy and personal relationships difficult. He admitted that as we work and hang out together and have a good laugh and good times. He explained he doesn't feel quite the same way as I do by loving me. But admitted it could progress in time. I admitted that I wished I didn't love him as it would make it easier to walk away especially the first time he hurt me. But as I love him - I'm the one getting hurt.
He has loved someone in the past and has had friendships where he has wanted more to progress in the past. But his scared to get close to someone in case he gets hurt. He is afraid of getting close to someone.
Although he informed he wants to give things another go and wants to be in a relationship with me.
I have explained that there is no going back for me. Because if we were to give it another go - nothing would change. He needs to deal with his intimacy issues. Because I am not going to allow myself to get hurt anymore. I've had enough. I made it clear of my own expectations and he admitted he doesn't know what his expectations are.
It's quite weird when I have been going through my own pain. He has got upset in the past when I didn't confide in him as I realised it was best to back away from him. I guess it's that push and pull thing.
Things did get better to the point, he started to come over and spend the night. Although he has tried to put off having sex together with needing more time. I have been patient and we have slept together. But as it's a close intimate thing, I have told him to go home this way he can have his space. I learnt to become the leader and to have tons of patience. Not too much expectations. Small steps. And NOT to take his behaviour personal.
Recently my employer tried to change our shifts around to even out the service. For this to happen, would mean we would less of each other. I made such a huge fuss about it putting my job on the line as I was not prepared to go the change. I completely rebelled against it. As well as feeling let down previously over a few things from management.
I saw a new job in the same company. Different department but still works at the same place sometimes where I currently am. A new senior role with new experience and a whole new challenge. Despite working less together. We would have more time together in the new role. More space to have a better chance with having a personal relationship than a professional one.
So I applied and had got a new job.
So I decided to back off. There has been distance between us. A good distance. I decided to have time to think about things and to try and approach our friendship with a more patient, fun, relaxed and calm approach. Especially as he fears intimacy and closeness. He has a very sensitive nature. He also has great difficulty with asserting himself. I felt my approach should come down to his level. To be more mindful and to support him by knowing the triggers to be a better friend. To try and work on his level and pace.
I noticed he was coming out of himself a lot more.
Things between I and M were a lot more positive now than ever before. So I decided to take the next step in asking M if I could see his flat? This is completely out of his comfort zone.
However, when I re-mentioned it again in person. His anxiety went overdrive. I made it clear of my expectations. Like I want to get to know that side of him. I rubbed his hand once for reassurance. Changed the subject to get his mind off it. However, this fear remained with him for a bit. Once he got confident and relaxed about it. He informed he doesn't mind and initiated next time we go out after work. He will show me his flat. He came out of himself after this. I made sure I didn't mention any more of it and I didn't show any over affection.
Although in the end, I didn't see his flat. He explained his land lady is a control freak and would question who I am and why I am there in the flat. As it's the best flat he has found near to work. He doesn't want to jeopardise things.
Although I was really upset and felt this was another one of his excuses.
On my leaving party, which he had helped to arrange. I got slightly drunk. I was feeling upset and confused. So I confided into male colleagues without saying his name. I told them about him and our relationship. I made it clear I want a proper relationship to progress. I'm happy to take things slow and be patient. I did this as I knew I had more of a chance of him listening without trying to avoid it. Also I wanted to learn more from a male's perspective. Although I was advised to run for the hills as there are way too many red flags.
M got upset with me. Distanced himself. Although he admitted he was hurt. Felt it was unnecessary for me to talk about it during my leaving party. Felt upset as he had ensured I had a good leaving party. Although we talked about it. I apologised numerous times. He became distant again.
Since then, I have started my new job. I made it clear he needs to initiate more contact. Despite making promises he would - he never did. He later admitted he has been upset over what happened during the leaving party. But assured me he would put it behind him. Although we have met. The physical contact has massively increased to the point, where he and I would hold hands in the pub. He was more talkative. More happy in my presence. Wouldn't push me away when I made physical contact. He was all over me. To the point, when we left, he held on tightly for 20 seconds to hug me before saying goodbye. We both agreed working separately has increased the space between each other to the point where we can focus on the relationship.
I have noticed he has gone back into his shell.
The following week, we saw more of each other. We made plans to spend this weekend together. He would come over. He informed he will phone on Sat morning to arrange it.
When Sat morning came around - no contact. I contacted him and he assured he will be coming over and we are too meet later on in the pub.
We met later but I noticed he didn't have his overnight bag. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We watched the football game. Things were going well. Eye contact. Lots of laugh.
Although it all changed the moment he went to the bar. We smiled at each other and then his facial expression changed to a resentment face. It scared me. Alarm bells went off in my head. I suddenly realised he still holds resentment towards me. Not sure if it's resentment that I left the job as well.
As soon as we were about to leave after hugging. He informed he wants to go home and doesn't want to come over. Made excuses. Stating as we are taking things slow. Hence why he wants to go back home. I got really upset. I had watery eyes and he knew. Yet once outside - he said goodbye and went on his way. His approach was extremely cold non empathetic.
I felt such a fool. Family telling me off. Telling me I should walk away. I can't go through this all again.
I tried to phone him but since yesterday his phone remains off. I have left a message but he hasn't responded back. He remains off line as well.
A friend pointed me to the whole avoidance trait and now I am here online sharing my story. Trying to get tips, advice anything to try and understand this. Not sure if this is dismissive or fearful avoidance trait. Or something else.
When we first started dating, it was lovely. He would phone, text, take me out on dates and compliment me. He was quite affectionate. We would have sex. It was all perfect.
Once the honeymoon period wore out, I noticed he became distant. I found myself initiating everything but he would respond. We became more like best friends then lovers.
He later admitted to me that he finds relationships difficult especially intimacy and commitment. But his willing to work on things and wants to take things slow.
His always been quite a cold person. Doesn't communicate his needs and makes excuses to prevent confrontation.
If I try to communicate my needs or explain how I feel hurt by the mixed signals. He always tries to avoid the serious talk.
I've always noticed as well, when it comes to affection. He pushes me away when I go to hold his hand, or kiss him. He would often show anxiety. I just put it down to his fear with intimacy. To give it time he might come out of it.
I also learnt as he doesn't communicate well. I have learnt to observe his actions, body language and words to understand his communication. Even then, it's been hard.
We had a slight disagreement two months after starting dating. He came over to my house. Was too focused on his phone texting his friends. He hardly said anything to me. I felt invisible. I felt ignored. I wasn't sure if it was going to work. I told him how I felt. He took it very difficult. Despite me apologising to him (me having to apologise). For six months, he held it against me to the point it became a grudge. We stopped having sex. We still hung outside. But he stopped coming over.
I gave him an ultimatum - either he lets go of this resentment and we focus on having a relationship or I walk away for good. He chose to give things a go. Things got better.
Seven months into the relationship, I told him I loved him. He accepted this well and thanked me. I told him his the only man I want to be with. When I went to innate sex, he pushed me away. I was beginning to feel upset. He finally opened up a bit. Stating if I was a fling, he would have sex with me. But as I am into him a lot, having sex together would be much meaningful and therefore he needs time to absorb this before we have sex. He seems set on us eventually having sex but to give it more time.
Some time after, he went away on holiday the same week as valentines day. I sent him a text on Valentine's day with a cheesy text. He responded back to it. Then I said I missed him and he didn't reply.
Two days later, we talked on messenger. Again I told him I missed him and he replied he will see me next week. Again I was really upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. Why can't he be honest about us? He obviously didn't want to talk about it and told me he was on holiday.
When he got back. We got on really well. He came to see a play with me. Although I noticed he appeared really anxious around lots of people. Displaying behaviour that he was feeling socially awkward.
As we were work colleagues and worked extremely close together. Whenever I displayed affection, he would push me away. I started to feel upset and asked him why does he keep pushing me away. As this is becoming an long issue. He said, he doesn't know why he keeps pushing me away. He appeared quite uncomfortable with this conversation and trying to run away. But I was eager to know.
If I know the fears and the anxiety and the cause of why he feels this way. Then we have something to work on. Then I can avoid certain things. But all he kept saying is - I don't know why I'm like this. I don't mean to push you away. I don't know why I push you away. Claiming he doesn't mean to hurt me. He doesn't know why he does.
I know from one of his previous relationships - his GF went though the same thing. To the point, she decided to end the relationship and maintain being friends. Then she ended the friendship to the point where she cut contact with him.
His previous relationships has been short term or one night stands. He stayed over on Friday evening. Made it clear that he didn't want to discuss our relationship and nor his decision. However, he informed he wants to maintain in a relationship together. However, we cuddled up and he admitted he likes affection but in small doses.
He also informed growing up - his relationship with his father has always been more of a friendship than a father/son relationship. His mum phones weekly. He only speaks to his dad every four months. I'm fairly sure this avoidance comes from the relationship he had with his dad as a child. They never played football together. They didn't do brother/son stuff together.
His sister had a car crash 20 years ago. She had PTSD and said some really cruel things to him. He has held this against her even 20 years on.
He has been reserved most of his life. Started having depression since the age of 18. Was very unsure of himself. His now 42.
Quite a few times when I have confronted him on certain things. He gets upset. Even after talking about it and talking about the harmful emotions. He tends to only focus on his feelings. He will say it's okay. I'm feeling better. Let's move on and give our relationship another go. Where I would carry on thinking everything is fine. He has forgiven and forgotten. He secretly won't. He would hold a grudge. Distant himself. Make plans and then cancel them on the last minute. Stay away from having an sexual relationship with me.
I have told him I've had enough of the lack of communication. Although he has informed I feel more for him more than he feels for me. He wants to remain in the relationship with me and he does care for me very much.
I made it clear that he should be honest and instead of stringing me along - then he should pick up the phone and tell the truth.
I also informed that he has dodged us talking about the status of our relationship. He doesn't communicate and isn't honest. When he pushes me away when I go to touch him, it feels like rejection. I told him I missed him whilst he was on holiday and he couldn't tell me the same. But he finds when I give him compliments - he finds it difficult as his not that way i.e receiving compliments. He apologises for not being honest but he tried to avoid confrontation. In a nutshell, he admitted he finds intimacy and personal relationships difficult. He admitted that as we work and hang out together and have a good laugh and good times. He explained he doesn't feel quite the same way as I do by loving me. But admitted it could progress in time. I admitted that I wished I didn't love him as it would make it easier to walk away especially the first time he hurt me. But as I love him - I'm the one getting hurt.
He has loved someone in the past and has had friendships where he has wanted more to progress in the past. But his scared to get close to someone in case he gets hurt. He is afraid of getting close to someone.
Although he informed he wants to give things another go and wants to be in a relationship with me.
I have explained that there is no going back for me. Because if we were to give it another go - nothing would change. He needs to deal with his intimacy issues. Because I am not going to allow myself to get hurt anymore. I've had enough. I made it clear of my own expectations and he admitted he doesn't know what his expectations are.
It's quite weird when I have been going through my own pain. He has got upset in the past when I didn't confide in him as I realised it was best to back away from him. I guess it's that push and pull thing.
Things did get better to the point, he started to come over and spend the night. Although he has tried to put off having sex together with needing more time. I have been patient and we have slept together. But as it's a close intimate thing, I have told him to go home this way he can have his space. I learnt to become the leader and to have tons of patience. Not too much expectations. Small steps. And NOT to take his behaviour personal.
Recently my employer tried to change our shifts around to even out the service. For this to happen, would mean we would less of each other. I made such a huge fuss about it putting my job on the line as I was not prepared to go the change. I completely rebelled against it. As well as feeling let down previously over a few things from management.
I saw a new job in the same company. Different department but still works at the same place sometimes where I currently am. A new senior role with new experience and a whole new challenge. Despite working less together. We would have more time together in the new role. More space to have a better chance with having a personal relationship than a professional one.
So I applied and had got a new job.
So I decided to back off. There has been distance between us. A good distance. I decided to have time to think about things and to try and approach our friendship with a more patient, fun, relaxed and calm approach. Especially as he fears intimacy and closeness. He has a very sensitive nature. He also has great difficulty with asserting himself. I felt my approach should come down to his level. To be more mindful and to support him by knowing the triggers to be a better friend. To try and work on his level and pace.
I noticed he was coming out of himself a lot more.
Things between I and M were a lot more positive now than ever before. So I decided to take the next step in asking M if I could see his flat? This is completely out of his comfort zone.
However, when I re-mentioned it again in person. His anxiety went overdrive. I made it clear of my expectations. Like I want to get to know that side of him. I rubbed his hand once for reassurance. Changed the subject to get his mind off it. However, this fear remained with him for a bit. Once he got confident and relaxed about it. He informed he doesn't mind and initiated next time we go out after work. He will show me his flat. He came out of himself after this. I made sure I didn't mention any more of it and I didn't show any over affection.
Although in the end, I didn't see his flat. He explained his land lady is a control freak and would question who I am and why I am there in the flat. As it's the best flat he has found near to work. He doesn't want to jeopardise things.
Although I was really upset and felt this was another one of his excuses.
On my leaving party, which he had helped to arrange. I got slightly drunk. I was feeling upset and confused. So I confided into male colleagues without saying his name. I told them about him and our relationship. I made it clear I want a proper relationship to progress. I'm happy to take things slow and be patient. I did this as I knew I had more of a chance of him listening without trying to avoid it. Also I wanted to learn more from a male's perspective. Although I was advised to run for the hills as there are way too many red flags.
M got upset with me. Distanced himself. Although he admitted he was hurt. Felt it was unnecessary for me to talk about it during my leaving party. Felt upset as he had ensured I had a good leaving party. Although we talked about it. I apologised numerous times. He became distant again.
Since then, I have started my new job. I made it clear he needs to initiate more contact. Despite making promises he would - he never did. He later admitted he has been upset over what happened during the leaving party. But assured me he would put it behind him. Although we have met. The physical contact has massively increased to the point, where he and I would hold hands in the pub. He was more talkative. More happy in my presence. Wouldn't push me away when I made physical contact. He was all over me. To the point, when we left, he held on tightly for 20 seconds to hug me before saying goodbye. We both agreed working separately has increased the space between each other to the point where we can focus on the relationship.
I have noticed he has gone back into his shell.
The following week, we saw more of each other. We made plans to spend this weekend together. He would come over. He informed he will phone on Sat morning to arrange it.
When Sat morning came around - no contact. I contacted him and he assured he will be coming over and we are too meet later on in the pub.
We met later but I noticed he didn't have his overnight bag. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We watched the football game. Things were going well. Eye contact. Lots of laugh.
Although it all changed the moment he went to the bar. We smiled at each other and then his facial expression changed to a resentment face. It scared me. Alarm bells went off in my head. I suddenly realised he still holds resentment towards me. Not sure if it's resentment that I left the job as well.
As soon as we were about to leave after hugging. He informed he wants to go home and doesn't want to come over. Made excuses. Stating as we are taking things slow. Hence why he wants to go back home. I got really upset. I had watery eyes and he knew. Yet once outside - he said goodbye and went on his way. His approach was extremely cold non empathetic.
I felt such a fool. Family telling me off. Telling me I should walk away. I can't go through this all again.
I tried to phone him but since yesterday his phone remains off. I have left a message but he hasn't responded back. He remains off line as well.
A friend pointed me to the whole avoidance trait and now I am here online sharing my story. Trying to get tips, advice anything to try and understand this. Not sure if this is dismissive or fearful avoidance trait. Or something else.
