Post by gaynxious on May 16, 2018 23:33:51 GMT
Something that has really resonated with me when reading about the neuroscience of attachment is the observation that anxious people are very prone to becoming dependent on their partners when their partners exhibit intermittent reward styles.
A quick explanation is that reinforcement/reward can be doled out in a few ways. You can always reward a behavior, reward it and suddenly stop, or reward it at random intervals. What is surprising is that random/intermittent reward is the best way to ensure a behavior is repeated indefinitely. Always rewarding a behavior works well bu should the reward ever stop the behavior ends soon after.
Avoidants tend to behave in a intermittent fashion because they don't always feel like rewarding behaviors wih affection or sex. This creates a situation where the anxious person is literally addicted to their partner. Even when they want to leave, a single instance of affection, sex, validation releases a ton of endorphins and an overwhelming urge to stay. Gambling addiction is the closest analogy I can come up with. You never know when you will win so you keep playing hoping to win.
I'm wondering how as an anxious person we can lookout for and combat this situation. Simply knowing about it has helped some and I have deffinetly used the instances where reinforcement is not given as examples that it won't always be there and that it's not my fault when affection/sex/intimacy are not extended.
But are there other strategies from dealing with other addictive behaviors, sex addiction, gambling, alcohol and drugs, etc that could be similarly applied to resisting intermittent reinforcement and either learning to pull away from it or to accept the situation for what it is.
A quick explanation is that reinforcement/reward can be doled out in a few ways. You can always reward a behavior, reward it and suddenly stop, or reward it at random intervals. What is surprising is that random/intermittent reward is the best way to ensure a behavior is repeated indefinitely. Always rewarding a behavior works well bu should the reward ever stop the behavior ends soon after.
Avoidants tend to behave in a intermittent fashion because they don't always feel like rewarding behaviors wih affection or sex. This creates a situation where the anxious person is literally addicted to their partner. Even when they want to leave, a single instance of affection, sex, validation releases a ton of endorphins and an overwhelming urge to stay. Gambling addiction is the closest analogy I can come up with. You never know when you will win so you keep playing hoping to win.
I'm wondering how as an anxious person we can lookout for and combat this situation. Simply knowing about it has helped some and I have deffinetly used the instances where reinforcement is not given as examples that it won't always be there and that it's not my fault when affection/sex/intimacy are not extended.
But are there other strategies from dealing with other addictive behaviors, sex addiction, gambling, alcohol and drugs, etc that could be similarly applied to resisting intermittent reinforcement and either learning to pull away from it or to accept the situation for what it is.
