Post by DearLover on May 20, 2018 22:26:10 GMT
So I decided to get back to the dating world. My profile is up and and I am having lovely conversations with 4 men. I have secured two dates for next weekend, another man has asked but we are yet to fix a day and the 4th man seems very cautious. All of these men behave very differently to my DA ex BF, I find it refreshing.I can sense they are closer to what I am really looking for.
Guy 1 lets call him J - He is very direct, straight forward and apparently very sure of himself. Not willing to waste time, say exactly what he thinks, don't measure words worrying about how he will come across. Not afraid of confrontation. Self aware, says that he might come across harsh by messages but it is actually very warm in person. Shared essential stuff about his life and calls himself an open book. Gave me his phone number and told me to call. I didn't but he then asked politely for us to communicate by phone messages or calls as he doesn't want to use the dating app all the time. I said no to calls and yes to messages he is ok with it. Apparently has a very strong set of values and strength of character. Tried very hard to fix a date with lots of days as options but we settled for a later day when will be more convenient FOR ME. We are not communicating as often as we used to now that we moved outside the dating website but we have a fixed day and place so I think there is nothing to say for now. Lets see how it goes..
Guy 2 lets call him A - He is the one I am least excited about but I will give a short date with him a go. He doesn't seem as certain of what he is looking for and it seems that he is trying a little bit too hard, being the less authentic of the 4.
Guy 3 lets call him U - He is very interesting, much older and I can't see him as a long term partner, more as a friend. It seems he is the less compatible as a BF than all the others (along with A) He has a slightly self deprecating sense of humour and this turns me off a little bit. I really do want to meet him, lots of curiosity but with a friendly feeling instead of romantic. He has hinted a few times that he might not be the kind of guy for me but at the same time trying to enchant me to a date...so I am not sure if it is games, red flags or lack of self awareness. He seems like a very decent guy with strong values (like J).
Guy 4 lest call him T - Very sweet, polite and thoughtful guy. Has been doing a lot of work on himself over the past 3 years and knows exactly what he is looking for. He said he is very specific and the right person for him will be too (sounds like me) Seems very cautious and somewhat reserved too. He keeps communicating and gives me lots of feedback on what I say, we seem to agree on everything (unlike all the other 3) but he is yet to ask me out and I am not sure he will.
The one thing that set these 4 guys apart from my DA ex BF is that somehow I know they find me physically attractive but they have NEVER made a comment about my physical appearance or my photos. They DON'T flirt! They compliment me on other levels, my intelligence, sense of humour, the way I communicate, my ideas and thoughts and how I express myself, things I share about me and my life, my values, what is written on my profile etc...I don't sense a 'sweep off my feet' kind of energy that is so familiar with the beginning of past romantic interactions!
DA ex BF was all charming, jokes and superficial comments about my appearance from day 1 online until the end (9 months). I can recall only one or two times he showed any appreciation for anything else that wasn't physical. And he joked so much that it either got boring or predictable. At the beginning I told him that i didn't know what were jokes and what was real... he tuned down, but still used humour to scape real interaction and serious conversation. All part of fear of intimacy I believe.
So this is it! I am not super excited about dating them, just normal excited. I am excited about meeting new people regardless of the purpose or outcome. I am excited to hear their life stories, answer their questions (careful to not overshare) smile and laugh, have fun. Excited to keep my eyes and ears open and to process with my body and my gut. If something doesn't feel right, I will pay attention even if makes no sense in my brain.
No attachment to the outcome whatsoever. Happy!
And I saw a dating advice today:
IGNORE THE POSITIVES AND BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES
The positives got to be a given, not a favour, not a gift from them to us. It should be expected. But the negatives? Don't swipe under the carpet, believe in them, search and research. Men reveal a lot on the first few dates when they haven't invested that much. The secret is to know how to ask the questions and letting them speak. Also read between lines.
Wish me luck!
Guy 1 lets call him J - He is very direct, straight forward and apparently very sure of himself. Not willing to waste time, say exactly what he thinks, don't measure words worrying about how he will come across. Not afraid of confrontation. Self aware, says that he might come across harsh by messages but it is actually very warm in person. Shared essential stuff about his life and calls himself an open book. Gave me his phone number and told me to call. I didn't but he then asked politely for us to communicate by phone messages or calls as he doesn't want to use the dating app all the time. I said no to calls and yes to messages he is ok with it. Apparently has a very strong set of values and strength of character. Tried very hard to fix a date with lots of days as options but we settled for a later day when will be more convenient FOR ME. We are not communicating as often as we used to now that we moved outside the dating website but we have a fixed day and place so I think there is nothing to say for now. Lets see how it goes..
Guy 2 lets call him A - He is the one I am least excited about but I will give a short date with him a go. He doesn't seem as certain of what he is looking for and it seems that he is trying a little bit too hard, being the less authentic of the 4.
Guy 3 lets call him U - He is very interesting, much older and I can't see him as a long term partner, more as a friend. It seems he is the less compatible as a BF than all the others (along with A) He has a slightly self deprecating sense of humour and this turns me off a little bit. I really do want to meet him, lots of curiosity but with a friendly feeling instead of romantic. He has hinted a few times that he might not be the kind of guy for me but at the same time trying to enchant me to a date...so I am not sure if it is games, red flags or lack of self awareness. He seems like a very decent guy with strong values (like J).
Guy 4 lest call him T - Very sweet, polite and thoughtful guy. Has been doing a lot of work on himself over the past 3 years and knows exactly what he is looking for. He said he is very specific and the right person for him will be too (sounds like me) Seems very cautious and somewhat reserved too. He keeps communicating and gives me lots of feedback on what I say, we seem to agree on everything (unlike all the other 3) but he is yet to ask me out and I am not sure he will.
The one thing that set these 4 guys apart from my DA ex BF is that somehow I know they find me physically attractive but they have NEVER made a comment about my physical appearance or my photos. They DON'T flirt! They compliment me on other levels, my intelligence, sense of humour, the way I communicate, my ideas and thoughts and how I express myself, things I share about me and my life, my values, what is written on my profile etc...I don't sense a 'sweep off my feet' kind of energy that is so familiar with the beginning of past romantic interactions!
DA ex BF was all charming, jokes and superficial comments about my appearance from day 1 online until the end (9 months). I can recall only one or two times he showed any appreciation for anything else that wasn't physical. And he joked so much that it either got boring or predictable. At the beginning I told him that i didn't know what were jokes and what was real... he tuned down, but still used humour to scape real interaction and serious conversation. All part of fear of intimacy I believe.
So this is it! I am not super excited about dating them, just normal excited. I am excited about meeting new people regardless of the purpose or outcome. I am excited to hear their life stories, answer their questions (careful to not overshare) smile and laugh, have fun. Excited to keep my eyes and ears open and to process with my body and my gut. If something doesn't feel right, I will pay attention even if makes no sense in my brain.
No attachment to the outcome whatsoever. Happy!
And I saw a dating advice today:
IGNORE THE POSITIVES AND BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES
The positives got to be a given, not a favour, not a gift from them to us. It should be expected. But the negatives? Don't swipe under the carpet, believe in them, search and research. Men reveal a lot on the first few dates when they haven't invested that much. The secret is to know how to ask the questions and letting them speak. Also read between lines.
Wish me luck!
