hi
notalone .
i want to encourage you , that there isn't a right or wrong way to do this.
as long as you are diligent in your effort to awaken to your own self-abandoning habits that you learned in order to cope when you were young, that process will eventually lead you to where you want to be in your relationships both with yourself and with others. So have faith, that if you keep at it, you will be ok. just keep going.
also, i just listened to a talk about letting go of things that we want, which are ultimately causing us a lot of pain. It applies to persons, situations, outcomes, which we can't control but have a strong preference about. i have had to do this with my relationship and other things also. It's been helpful.
I will share the process, and you can decide if it is helpful to you. It's a way of thinking through the situation and being in touch with the reality of it, and being very present to the feelings and thoughts that arise, in order to slow down the story-telling and mental traps that go along with denial and clinging to what we can't have.
In your situation, the process might look like this:
1) I recognize that i have a strong, even overwhelming
preference for things to be other than they are. What i would prefer is to be in a healthy intimate relationship with this person.
2). I recognize, that for reasons beyond my control, this person has not made themselves available to me, and has not partnered with me to make my strong preference, a reality.
3) The painful reality is that the engagement with this person is toxic and unhealthy for me. I feel i cannot live with it, or without it. Holding on like this makes me suffer terribly. I want to be able to let go, to stop hurting this way.
4). I vow to be present to myself and acknowledge in my body, and my mind, every thought and feeling that arises when i think about or am confronted with this situation . I will feel the emotions, identify them; and identify how they feel in my body. I will let them be, i will not do anything to run from them, numb them, relieve them. I will just feel them.
5). I am able to do this, because i recognize the reality, that these feelings are transient, like everything, ,they will arise, stay, and then subside. This is true of everything- everything changes. things in the past that disturbed me, no longer disturb me. this will pass also. As my feelings come up, i can look at them as real, important, but also transient , and subject to change. I can feel them and let them pass, without acting on them.
6). I will remind myself, that my pain and suffering is not coming from that person, that situation- in reality, it is coming from my inability so far, to let go and release it. This is my struggle, and my struggle alone- to let go. I want to be able to let go.
7). I will remind myself; that others who have been careful to practice working with their feelings and their sense of loss and disappointment this way, have been able to lessen the attachment. They have been able to take the the emphasis off of their preference, while focusing on healing the emotions that arise as a result of loss and disappointment. Others before me have been able to transform, and i believe that i can also, if i dedicate myself to it.
This is a process of patience, gentleness to yourself, awareness, and taking control of your mind.
It can be undertaken all day, every day, whether you are in contact or not. the point is, to repetitively practice and to have faith in your ability to be successful at it.
Each day, you may notice that the emphasis on what you WISH could be, becomes less important than the reality, and what you do have control over. You may notice that you are able to be less impulsive in trying to ease the feelings, noticing that by just accepting them and feeling them, they lose their power to propel you into habitual acting out.
You may notice as the days pass, that you have a new respect and tenderness growing for yourself, as you take better care of your feelings than anyone else ever has in your life, ever!
I recognize that the activated attachment system of an AP is intensely difficult to work with so i am not minimizing that. But i just wanted to share what i have practiced, maybe you can take some or all of it to help you with your own process.
