AP Jealous of DA's

Not that one should overlook evidence of cheating or a wandering eye, but seeking it out as if it were treasure is bound to make you both feel horrible; you worthless and he predated upon.

One of my closest friends is in a relationship and it appears that my friend is DA and her partner is AP. It's VERY interesting and eye opening to observe from my current perspective. I see how my friend behaves in unhealthy ways and how she hurts, how her partner behaves in unhealthy ways and how her partner hurts. I see so much of my own behavior in the way her partner behaves, and so much of my previous partners behaviours in my friends' behaviour. From the outside, it's a lot easier to see how both the AP and the DA contribute the dynamic and struggle, and to have compassion for each of them.

but i CAN say, that because dismissives don't have the attachment behavior of clinging to a relationship , removing ourselves from situations that are in fact painful is a matter of getting maxed out with it and leaving decisively in many cases.

what i respond strongly to is the often made assertion here that dismissives just have this way of not feeling distress because we are somehow able to just switch things off and go on our merry way, that is misunderstood from the outside, especially by AP ex partners that are suffering from their attachment issues.

Here's the thing- when i have left bad relationships i didn't hurt because the relationship hurt and leaving was a relief.

it's not that my heart was broken and i have this convenient on off switch. I didn't value the relationship in the end, and in the interest of self preservation and growth, i left it.

The pain had already happened and the healing began with leaving. That shouldn't be misunderstood as an ability to avoid grief. That's an absence of grief!

It's really difficult for me to stomach the assertions about the on off switch when misunderstood this way, especially as i honor the grief i have suffered with the death of loved ones, of pets, of trauma that injured me in every way, etc.

I know that we have clarified this in this thread and i appreciate all the dialog. But this is something that really goes deep. Avoidants are often seen as cold and uncaring. Aloof, unemotional, blah blah blah. I have not experienced this in myself or other avoidant i know!!! Not at all!! Perception is everything and in these relationship dynamics perceptions are very, very, very flawed.

Deactivation is an involuntary response inside my brain and body to shut down emotions that i cannot bear, don't have the tools yet to cope with. It's helpful sometimes, very sad and lonely at other times especially when i want to stay grounded and present and overcome my blocks. this has been tremendously painful as i gain awareness. I don't struggle as much as i used to but deactivation is sad.
it can be very alienating to me, to myself, it can make me feel so far away and alone it's just sad sad sad.
I get a lump in my throat typing this.

anne12 posted that test thread for 4 styles.
Something that stood out to me like a beacon was one little line in there that says that for a dismissive, wishing or hoping can feel unbearably vulnerable. So imagine, seeing , feeling, or imagining something that your heart longs for and feeling exposed and raw and like the mere thought , the very hope itself, is scorching. I have tried to describe it as feeling i have no skin, like my lungs are exposed to open air, like realizing that to love deeply is very very brave and i sometimes am in awe at people who have been able to do that naturally, all their lives. It is foreign and beautiful. Not foreign now, to me. but never do i take the beauty for granted.

It's been a long hard road to heal from avoidance. and i still am healing.

anyway that's my experience. that's all i really want to say about it.

This is an older post I found from a Dismissive:

i don't mind sharing!
i push a mental delete button, it's just an automatic thing when i have to stop hurting from a toxic entanglement.
i will think about them again, but i try to keep myself from rumination (once i have made a decision with clarity that it is best for my well being) by pressing my delete button.
i do this as often as it takes- for instance, i wish things had worked out for my ex and i.
i really do.
it was unworkable and ended up being painful.
i get reminded of him by many things. the street i drove to go to his house is the street i drive every day, etc. but i don't forget why i ended it. i keep that front and center.
so, to spare myself the brain damage of ruminating, i press delete and turn my attention to something that helps me continue to accept and heal.
i pressed delete a few times today. i miss him but i know the deal and i won't go back. so it's better to delete.

i do actually delete all contact info as well. i don't hold on to what was, i have to create a new normal.
i am no contact with him , so having a contact in my phone for him would just be a sad reminder of my NOPE.
I delete all messages, because whatever was said lor unsaid led me to this point- and nowhere else, so i don't revisit it.

it sounds cold but it's not. it's just rational to me. i have big feelings that i deal with , without holding on to him in any way. in time i will need my delete button less.

i am not as avoidant as i used to be- i test right on the line with secure now. in the past i think i wouldn't need my delete button so much-


I have to reiterate here:

Research shows that being ignored - or dismissed - causes actual physical pain activation in the brain.
The one dismissing does not have these pain activators triggered in the brain - they can even feel better as a result.
So - by dismissing someone, you are causing them tremendous pain - while 'pushing the off button' on your own pain.
The person 'dismissed' is real physically hurting, as well as emotionally.

The AP-part of me is where the majority of my suffering originates and lives.
(My AP-part doesn't do all the acting-out, etc, I learnt through experience to stop doing that a long time ago).

I progressed to where I am by, over time, using (un-conscious) developing Secure ideas with in-Secure others.
Even Secures can be activated in a relationship when the other is not.

My AP-part was entangled with the Secure part, but it was the AP-part is that tried too hard, for too long - with people that didn't give a damn about me.
Most of those that didn't give a damn moved on easily without me ...  but they haven't changed.
I changed because the hurt was so damn bad, it nearly killed me more than once.

The Secure part of me repeatedly thinks "why can't people just be brave and take a few breaths, maybe some time, and then sit and talk through the issue - whatever the response, so that we can deal with this difficulty and move forward, which ever way that is".  That is what I kept on and on and on trying.
But the huge amount of Dismissives I (now realise) that I encountered (as well as narcissistic-types, etc) taught me that most don't want to do that - even if it would better for both sides.  

I learnt because I put myself on the line, emotionally, vulnerably and openly - I did things that were some of the most difficult things to stomach, but I did them to try - in what I now see in retrospect were actually Secure ways - to work together because what was happening (it wasn't all about me) was not healthy, was not 'right'.  This was on a sliding scale of extreme to more subtle actions I took, as I learned more.

And I am a hell of a lot more secure - but I also realise that I have developed more Dismissive tendencies, which I now understand are a coping method. A coping method to make my life a lot easier - and to keep me alive.  
Because the AP pain is far too great and damaging. 

So if you fail a test or get passed over for a job, should you not put that out of your mind and move on?
People breaking up decisively should just allow their thoughts to return continuously to their ex?
Not make any choices about that?

What goes on in a person's mind after a breakup has no direct effect on their ex.
It's actually none of their business.

I should be careful about what i share here as a dismissive if it's going to be turned around like this, to make an AP a victim.

juniper - I was explaining about dismissive who leave relationships 'inappropriately' but shutting off before the other has had any preparation, understanding or chance to deal with this.
This is what dismissive do - they walk away when it's right for THEM, without consideration for the other.

As stated, I am coming from a Secure POV, but with the pain of an AP attached.

As explained, I do have different attachment types, test have shown that too - and I also understand that others can have different styles too, and with different relationships.
Therefore, I have different responses to different relationships and different scenarios.
Which is why, having spent so much of efforts over years to try to understand what I'm doing 'wrong', I am where I am.

It feels as if, when you don't like what matches your understanding, you become dismissive to the other.
OK, that's fine.
But from a more Secure POV - and learning to deal with my AP 'pain' (which yes, includes rumination - which you seem to want me to suffer from / with), I am offering insights to attempt to work through my and others understanding.

So, rather than hanging on to my AP pain - we can agree to differ.
I will continue on my learning path by facing the emotions, experiences and questions that are really painful for me but which help me to progress.
I will also activate my more-recently understood 'deactivation' button around this interaction with you - so as to protect myself from 'rumination', distraction, pain, etc. and to better protect me.

Whilst a dismissive might feels it's OK to walk away from whatever - they have been involved on a relationship / interaction with the other - and so they hold some responsibility for the outcome of that. That is the bit that dismissive seems to miss - the responsibility. Which translates that the other person is or was not worth any more effort. That they are 'dismissing' the other, who is not as important as them. The AP, who generally feels inferior, is then left alone to deal with the fallout of not only their own, but the dismissive's actions. A bit like someone walking away from a crash scene - the one that walks away still has emotions / reactions - but the one still there has also to deal with clearing up the crash, as well as their feelings.

I wish you well and am sorry if these posts have caused you distress.
(They are in the AP section, though - and I am writing about how I am dealing with AP pain).
My learning is about raising my self-worth, so that I can stand up and say that fine, if the other chooses to walk away without appreciating my side of this whilst I have really, really tried to understand theirs, then I am worthy and I do not need to spend any more effort on this. So I now have a button to push. Which I believe is probably more Secure.

And warriorgirl-

you made a comment that i "seem to want you to suffer" from rumination and Ap pain?

what the hell kind of victim mode is that?
read about AP assigning a negative motive to others.

I'm not a cruel person who wishes anyone to suffer.
If you behaved this way with your dismissive ex and blame them for leaving "inappropriately" we can talk about that, if you'd like.