AP Jealous of DA's

Yes you are wrong!!
Avoidants have feelings. We love.
we don't have a nervous system wiring that causes anxiety like you do. we go through something else.

I get pissed reading shit like this.

you want my life? you want the trauma that shaped me? you're really ignorant , truly, i don't mean that as an insult i mean you have no understanding.

Just work on yourself and stop getting in other peoples heads.

Seriously, just stop.
you don't have it worse than anyone.

You don't want avoidance. you want healthy.
there is a big goddamn difference.

just because we don't CLING doesn't mean we don't hurt.

You will never understand it but really; maybe better not to go there.

and i will tel you something else notalone.
the recovery you see in the DA's posting here is a result of years of damn work , hard work getting vulnerable and real, that you haven't done yet. stop comparing and do the work.

I did hard work. you don't want my workload i guarandamntee it. don't minimize it.

You showed up here resisting work and taking the time for healing because your biological clock is ticking.
that's what you came here sharing.
i get your pain but you need a reality check with this post.

the DA's posting here have done years of therapy and hardship, that's what you are seeing.
you think every DA heals? no way. you are seeing some that fought like hell for it.

we try to share what we see and what we know and what we have to offer.

don't minimize our path and what we have gone through to heal. . work on your own stuff. So yeah. you are wrong.

ok, i get and appreciate that.
this is one of several time you have posted about being jealous of DA.
and, even tho you admit that insecure attachment on either end of the spectrum is about pain, also in your posts... you circled back around to this and made a thread so i spoke up.

YOU CANNOT FULLY INTELLECTUALLY OR VISCERALLY UNDERSTAND THE PAIN OF AN AVOIDANT.

don't ever believe you can. let that go.
just like i can never understand your pain. i have no idea what it feels like to be you.

intellectual is very different from visceral so respect that you do not, cannot know what a DA feels and to say you are jealous of something you cannot understand, to make a misguided assumption about it, crosses a line with me. Sure, you can cross that line. it's a public forum. And, i will tell you what i think about it.

That DA pain isn't for you to know, it isn't for you to assume anything about. This business of being able to avoid hurt by detaching is something you have wrong, you have an intellectual idea but cannot know viscerally what it means to block out fear that a train is coming and look at the trees instead and get hit by the train. That's not even a good description but being a stoic avoidant paralyzed me and had me being strangled by a jealous AP (comorbid with pathology) because i can handle it and apparently i avoid getting hurt by detaching. He never saw me cry so he assumed, no pain. I never let him see me cry and don't regret that. i didn't cling and hang on to his ankles to love me and change and i don't regret that either.

I have been in very painful relationships with AP who are not my parents or my partner, who were so focused on their own pain that they could not accept that my experience was painful because it didn't look like theirs.

I see it over and over here... the intellectual "understanding" of an AP about something they cannot fathom because they are blinded by their own pain.

We all might like to understand each other but this post made a statement about avoiding hurt and asked a question about being wrong possibly.
I just addressed it.

I will only speak for myself...but my "jealousy" towards a friend of mine...and yes, she and I talked about it....was a form of distraction and self abandonment. It is one thing to admire another person for being brave, being strong...it is another matter entirely to want to be that person or to think somehow that person has something I lack. She has been incredibly helpful in pointing me back to myself...in the right way...to see my gifts and unique talents. She always says...Stop comparing your insides to my outside and assuming you know what goes on in my insides, because you don't. Very wise words.

notalone i would like to extend my hand to you in comradeship,
thank you for receiving my reply thebway you did.
i'm sorry if i was hurtful, not my intention.

I think I understand what you mean notalone. In some way I think that society says that we should act like DA’s. Not showing pain, we are cool, we can move on fast. Being detached seems like being strong, like if we are strong enough to handle things in a good way... But we can just see the outside, we can’t really know how the DA’s feel inside. I don’t consider myself an AP, DA or FA. I’m not sure if am secure either, the test I made said so but who knows... They only thing I know is that I feel my own pain and in some way when I was seeing a DA I could feel in some indirect way when he was in pain too and struggling with his issues. His way of dealing with problems wasn’t similar to mine. The only thing I know is that he tried to hide many times how he really felt but in someway I would understand what was going on.