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Post by epicgum on Oct 7, 2018 8:16:03 GMT
Other than "Attached" I haven't read any books on attachment theory. What (other) ones could people reccomend?
I feel I am FA and am mostly interested in understanding/healing myself.
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Oct 7, 2018 15:05:12 GMT
Diane Poole Heller's audiobook "Healing Your Attachment Wounds" is really great but I was a bit frustrated by the FA section that was less developed than the others.
I feel I am FA also and it's hard to find books and tips for our style. But maybe if we work on both DA and AP aspects it can works? I don't know, I feel a bit stuck.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2018 17:21:37 GMT
I'm FA and I've read a lot.
"Attached" was also one of the first books I read about attachment, as well as Jeb's books. There are many books out there aimed for the anxiously attached people (Attached among them) but very few of them are offering solutions for avoidants. "Attached" is great in describing the attachment styles and helping to recognize them in others, but other than that, it pretty much just states that avoidants are bad people and you should stay away from them and find a secure who will make your problems disappear. It doesn't promote personal growth.
It's especially hard to find information about the FA style. "Attached" only briefly mentions it, and I think it's because the style is not well understood and they cannot offer solutions for people with trauma (that is, the disorganized style).
But I've managed to find some. "Mindsight" by Dan Siegel addresses the disorganized style, the reasons behind it and also offers tools for growth. I'm currently reading this one and it has already given me great insight into some of my beliefs and behaviors.
I also recommend books by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol, especially "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Getting to Commitment". There are lots of same themes as in attachment theory but in common language. These books are about "commitment phobia" - that's very much an FA thing and the fears behind it are all attachment-related.
"Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin and "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix are relationship-centered, but they encourage you to take a look at yourself, where you're coming from, why you behave the way you do and why you choose certain kind of partners (and how to work with partners who have different attachment styles). Especially Hendrix has the view that you pick partners who recreate your childhood and your unconscious agenda in relationships is to "fix" your childhood (and that this is possible with a partner who is willing to do the work).
A somewhat similar theory is also in schema therapy: we surround ourselves with people who confirm what we've learned to believe about ourselves. These beliefs can be fixed by working on schemas / "life traps", many of which are attachment-related. There are several schema therapy / life trap books out there, such as "Reinventing Your Life".
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Post by camper78 on Oct 7, 2018 21:54:57 GMT
Thanks zercher and epicgum, for this post. I also was wondering if there are more advanced books on FA. I have found some of Stan Tatkin's articles helpful (haven't read his books), but I will check out the ones mentioned above. I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, mostly Tara Brach, as I'm working on body attunement and getting a better handle on the things that trigger me into deactivation or what she calls 'the trance of separation'. I'm taking the time to journal along with listening and write down the bits I hear that ring a gong for me. Then I can go back and reflect on them more fully, and write about what comes up for me. It's helpful. In a way, I'm kind of writing my own book I guess.  |
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Books
Oct 9, 2018 0:01:38 GMT
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 9, 2018 0:01:38 GMT
Everything by Harville Hendrix and/or Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt. They may not use the language of "Attachment styles" and they put their own spin on it, but it is the same thing. I agree with the book mentioned above "Getting the Love You Want." It really helped me learn some things about myself. Now when I get angry at my partner or go in retreat mode, I know the REAL reasons why and so it's easier to unpack it, figure out what I want, let it go or ask for what I want. They (Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt) also have one called "Receiving Love" that is insightful.
I do think Harville Hendrix is biased towards staying in relationships more then perhaps he should be, and I don't agree with him that it's all about our childhoods necessarily, but the books are insightful. Get the newer editions as I think they can be better than the older editions.
I have "Wired for Love" by Tatkin but don't find it that useful so I'd say don't buy it new LOL
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Books
Oct 11, 2018 23:30:22 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Oct 11, 2018 23:30:22 GMT
Thanks everyone! I actually already have "hes scared, shes scared" I picked it up before I got so in to attachment theory.
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Books
Oct 17, 2018 0:42:11 GMT
Post by blueunif on Oct 17, 2018 0:42:11 GMT
Hi and thanks so far
If anyone could please recommend books that advise more about healing and staying in relationships (rather than focusing on leaving) I'd be grateful.
I think I've done enough research on the different styles, and a lot of books will spend half of the content on this part.
So - more a focus on the 'what to do next' if any of you have some ideas that would be great.
Thanks.
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Post by epicgum on Oct 17, 2018 2:49:26 GMT
Hi and thanks so far If anyone could please recommend books that advise more about healing and staying in relationships (rather than focusing on leaving) I'd be grateful. I think I've done enough research on the different styles, and a lot of books will spend half of the content on this part. So - more a focus on the 'what to do next' if any of you have some ideas that would be great. Thanks. Attached is the only book that I've read, and its true that it mostly says that avoidant people are just bad, but it does have some tips in the later chapters for managing conflicting intimacy needs. Maybe you can find a pdf just for those later chapters. It's not so much about "healing" as it is about tricks that can bridge the gap, but in the short term it might be helpful to you and your relationship as I imagine fully healing will take some time. |
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Books
Oct 17, 2018 13:54:01 GMT
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lilyg likes this
Post by epicgum on Oct 17, 2018 13:54:01 GMT
I'll add a book that I'm currently listening to that I think would have been helpful to me is "Frientimacy" which is about intimacy in friendships. I've tried to focus on building more intimacy in this area of my life and warming myself up. I think it might be easier to cross these hurdles in platonic relationships first.
I've said it before, but it's crazy how this shit is not taught in school. Aside from being better aware of my own issues, I see so many social problems that could be helped by better awareness in this department.
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Post by ocarina on Oct 17, 2018 18:47:53 GMT
Thanks zercher and epicgum , for this post. I also was wondering if there are more advanced books on FA. I have found some of Stan Tatkin's articles helpful (haven't read his books), but I will check out the ones mentioned above. I have been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, mostly Tara Brach, as I'm working on body attunement and getting a better handle on the things that trigger me into deactivation or what she calls 'the trance of separation'. I'm taking the time to journal along with listening and write down the bits I hear that ring a gong for me. Then I can go back and reflect on them more fully, and write about what comes up for me. It's helpful. In a way, I'm kind of writing my own book I guess. Tara Brach - my heroine, wonderful for all attachment styles, her clear and compassionate style really get to the root of what drives the behaviour that hurts us and our partners and gets in the way of initmacy - highly recommended. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 1:29:42 GMT
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Post by camper78 on Nov 5, 2018 1:45:16 GMT
Intimacy and Desire by Dr David Schnarch was helpful for me when I was trying desperately to understand why the physical connection had faded from my marriage (and how I could get it back).
There are some good chapters in it.
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hannah
Junior Member
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Post by hannah on Nov 10, 2018 20:38:11 GMT
I'll add a book that I'm currently listening to that I think would have been helpful to me is "Frientimacy" which is about intimacy in friendships. I've tried to focus on building more intimacy in this area of my life and warming myself up. I think it might be easier to cross these hurdles in platonic relationships first. I've said it before, but it's crazy how this shit is not taught in school. Aside from being better aware of my own issues, I see so many social problems that could be helped by better awareness in this department. I was looking for the book after you talked about it and I find on the authoress's website some free content for download. There is a workbook that seems really great and helpful. It's here www.shastanelson.com/frientimacy |
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Post by chipper on Nov 13, 2018 16:25:46 GMT
Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker-Phelps has plenty of helpful exercises for all types of insecure attachment. Definitely something to read for folks want to try and stay in a relationship and work it out.
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Books
Dec 2, 2018 2:00:57 GMT
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Post by epicgum on Dec 2, 2018 2:00:57 GMT
Not an attachment style or even relationship book, but I've started reading "Getting to Yes" a classic on what im interpreting it as "relationship positive negotiation strategies"
I've just started it, but the themes it's touched on so far ...."conflict is inevitable and actually healthy," "a negotiation can actully strengthen the relationship" and "you can negotiate to get the best deal for both parties without giving in" both resonate with me as things that i am/was incredibly bad at in part due to my attachment style.
Just adding it to the list.
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