Need a little help today

Oh dear lovely, I am so sorry to hear this.
It is becoming more and more apparent how difficult it is to maintain a relationship with an avoidant even if your doing all the right things 😥
I'm only really beginning mine but from what I've read and learning it doesn't bode well 😲
We are all here for you Lilyg Xx

Sound advice from the last two post lilyg.
This is how we get the best out of this forum by leaving fear out of it and having some faith time and space for you both to calm down.
He's not going anywhere lovely he just needs to process, I don't bought for one minute his love for you, let go for now love, soothe your self in what ever manner suits you.
Mine in normally music, a glass of wine a hot bath and letting go and letting god.
Lotsies 😘 Xx

Hey lilyg,

Having JUST come out of the same thing with my FA ex, I can tell you that hindsight and time away offers some 20/20 vision.

I initially blamed myself entirely for our last go around until I got about a months distance and realized BOTH of our roles in it and a weight was lifted from my mind. In other words, I too get highly activated when my ex goes silent, however, if you can just let go for a bit, he's not gone, and just let yourself BE. Stand still. Do nothing and that includes the ruminating and blaming you are currently locked in. Trust me, the answers will come to you in the silence. it will do you BOTH good.

Listen to some inspirational podcasts and youtube vids- I suggested Epicgum Wayne Dyer- he has great ones about letting go and trusting the universe. I would lock myself in the position you are in for days sometimes weeks and I wasted sooooo much time.

My ex actually came back once again over the weekend even after a shitty email telling me he wants to see me even less and cut out all intimacy.

So even in my crap situation they come back... this is not goodbye, this is a much needed break.

. Thank you I will!

I can see. How it went with him? Or this is when you told him no? How are you?

I just don't want to create crap situations with him. I don't want to lose him, of course, but I don't want to become toxic for him. I prefer to part ways, even if I'm commited. He's honestly a very good man with some bagagge, just like me.

Don't worry about highjacking the post! I'm not sensitive to those types of things, we are all in this together.

I have been curt with his texts and when he asked to see me multiple times on Sunday, I simply said no and spent the day doing things I enjoy. By evening, he was not on my mind and I went to bed and got great sleep. Believe me, I'm not suggesting this is easy by any means, but I can tell you for me anyway, that time apart has helped me tremendously. For you guys, if staying together is the goal (mine is fully separating) then giving him his space while you look after yourself is also very KEY in keeping it together.

Remember, as AP's everything is catastrophic only to be realized later, that we suffered needlessly by our own hands. He will come back. But while he's gone, you must turn away and examine YOU. Also, I would sometimes think my life is shit without him, so when he would be silent, my life would become shit. Look at and examine all the beautiful things in your own life. Imagine what its like for others to get to be around you... what a privilege for those people! Now, imagine what a privilege it will be for YOU to rediscover and love YOURSELF. You can do this. Believe me when I say it. I saw myself as weak and sad and scared, but not anymore. I look at the beauty in my life with all the mistakes, past trauma and I weep with joy because I'm still here and I can change my story... so can you.

None of you ever say you'll probably never be secure. Say you will be. No cant mentality, its I can. I wont allow that! You are awesome even with your 'baggage'. Manifest it, you will do it an win even if it takes time.

Easier said than done but negative thoughts just brings negative energy and you stay in the same cycle.

By the way, there's a very interesting read about shutting down while in a conflict, a very interesting and compassionate read for avoiders. Maybe it'll help someone someday here:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201212/how-ruin-perfectly-good-relationship-0

While stonewalling can look aggressive, mean, or childish from the outside, if feels very different on the inside. The defensive stonewaller feels like he’s trying to protect himself. He can also think that he’s protecting his family. Not only have I observed this countless times in my clients, I experienced it my personal life. For about 10 years or so, before becoming a therapist, I regularly stonewalled my wife when things got hot. I was afraid of my anger, having grown up in a severely violent home. I never wanted my wife or daughter to see that kind of rage or know that kind of chaos. In truth, I never had that kind of anger, but there was always the fear.

I had to learn, as all stonewallers need to do, that we need to step outside ourselves to see our behavior more objectively. We stonewall to avoid feeling inadequate. We’re convinced that we’ll fail if we try to engage - fail as communicators and, more important, as husbands and boyfriends.

Like all avoidance strategies, stonewalling only proves that we are inadequate and unlovable, or else we wouldn’t need to do it. Thus the more we do it, the more it seems that we need to do it.

The trick in overcoming feelings of inadequacy is to realize that everything we’ve ever done (that required a certain level of skill), we were inadequate at doing when we first started. The discomfort of inadequacy motivated us to learn to do the task, at which point we gained a feeling of competence and mastery. We can use feelings of inadequacy in love in the same way, as motivation to learn how to be better partners and parents.



I sometimes forget and it's really important.


Another good read on this conflict:


www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201802/how-can-i-be-me-while-you-re-being-you

The problem in intimate human relationships is that the emotional brain is a better-safe-than-sorry alarm system. It would rather be wrong 999 times thinking a spouse is a saber-tooth tiger than be wrong once thinking a saber-tooth tiger is a spouse. Behavior requests become demands, calling for submission rather than cooperation.

One partner’s perceived “need” for validation crashes headlong into the “need” of the other not to be controlled. Both end up feeling hurt, angry, and wronged.



High emotional reactivity makes us intolerant of differences (you have to see the world the way I do), narcissistic (incapable of seeing other perspectives), all-or-nothing (you’re on a pedestal, or you’re a demon), and dependent on the current emotional state, which in turn depends on the current physiological state (uncomfortable, tired, hungry, thirsty, overstimulated, or ill). When blame is added to the mix, partners seem like opponents first, and eventually like enemies.

And the follow-up article about Anger, blame and avoidance we all feel while in 'toddler brain':

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201802/love-and-toddler-brain-coping-mechanisms


Denial by adults can seem like stubbornness, deception, and insensitivity. It’s often those things, too, but it’s more centrally an attempt to assert autonomy at the cost of connection. Denial can also be used to gain connection at the cost of personal integrity.

Blame is the most insidious of the toddler coping mechanisms employed by adults. It’s also the most likely to hijack the adult brain to justify toddler-brain splitting — black-and-white all-good or all-bad perceptions.



Blame is rampant in love relationships (and the culture at large), because it has compelling psychological and social functions. The psychological function is to transfer vulnerable emotional states to someone else. Vulnerable feelings, such as disappointment, sadness, guilt, shame, and anxiety, create self-doubt and make us feel powerless. These can be alleviated with adrenaline, if we can blame someone.

The temporary energy and confidence of blame comes at a very high price; it ultimately renders us powerless over how we feel. Worse, when we blame our painful emotions on others, they cannot motivate positive changes in behavior or self-concept. Improvement is sacrificed to the impulse to blame and punish.