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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2018 4:14:23 GMT
No, no reconciliation was ever on his mind. This is what we do- our dance and he always sends me an email or text about not acting as if we are dating, then there is distance, then we go right back to quasi-dating for months, then rinse and repeat. So, basically because I told him this time I would need some time to respond to his email, he seems like he is panicking because I'm acting differently this time. I am not rushing back to see him when he first reached out last weekend to hang. I'm working on feeling sad and gaining true acceptance of who we are with each other. My goal is to let him go. And when he comes back like this, it's extremely hard and causes me anxiety. It used to cause me absolute elation and joy knowing he's back- but now that I know it doesn't yield any new results, all I feel is sad and trapped. i'm so sorry kristyrosei wish i had some helpful advice. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 24, 2018 7:05:17 GMT
oh please don't feel embarrassed about yourself. i have been so ashamed of ways that i have behaved when triggered, that goes both ways also. when i read your story i don't think you should be ashamed of yourself; i see your vulnerable pain and your enormous sincerity to help both you and your partner heal. my input is only for perspective. i'm just speaking from the inside of a DA. i don't mean to be hard, and i don't want to hurt you. but like i have mentioned, understanding just makes for more beneficial approaches. for everyone. not just for DA, not just for AP. we all need safety. 🌸 You don't hurt me, Juni. You're always very kind to me, and I appreciate the honesty of a problem I'm asking help with😘 thank you. Sometimes I forget on how far I've gotten 💐 goldilocks, thank you so much for your post. I can understand and I appreciate this point very much, as this is another form for me to show my partner that there is trust between us, just as much as I expect him to talk with me when he's ready and don't swipe it under the rug, like a timeout. It takes effort from both and being out of the confort zone. We've talked about this too, and he has agreed to tell me when he needs some days (I guess I felt in limbo because the nature of the fight), but I think after this I'll just don't contact after apologising, expecting he would not leave me without talking about it. It's a very fair arrangement and it will help us to cool off and process it. I'll revisit this thought frecuently so It feels natural when stressed. I've been with him yesterday and it was very nice, I tried to make it up to him and he was understanding. I'll continue being giving in ways I know makes him feeling loved. I think talking about my irrational fears and framing them like that has made me realise they are nothing to be worried about and I'm feeling pretty confident this is now a closed subject for both. It's not just dropping It like before, but truly moving on. Thank you! |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 24, 2018 7:40:48 GMT
kristyrose, I'm so sorry you're going through it. Pull/push is very painful and I can understand you. And while you can understand what's going on inside him, it doesn't stop hurting. What epicgum says I think it's very important to address it in a kind way to him, in a way that does not agravate his wounds (look at what happened with me when I just ignored that hurt, you handle it worse when you explode. Even if you know, my boyfriend told me yesterday that he didn't get it as I explained his pull/push and avoidance better than he can. I made it all about my own internal conflict and insecurity still being there and he understood). I'm not saying he gets a free pass and it's all about you, but maybe this keeps it real and compassionate between you two? Take some time of no contact for yourself. You can tell him to please not contact you again unless he is thinking about going back together (or maybe you just want to move on and not work in this relationship anymore... only you can decide). I know this will be very painful too but at least this way it's much more possible to carry on calmer in your life and maybe meet someone else later on when you feel ready. Whatever you decide feel free to post whenever you feel down  It's a hard situation to be in. Hugs!
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 24, 2018 7:41:22 GMT
I'm glad my post was helpful!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2018 18:01:27 GMT
I don't think he's doing it on purpose. I am starting to suspect that some FAs who haven't done any self work and don't have awareness yet can't emotionally regulate themselves well. So they are very reactionary to their moods and that's it... if they are deactivated (afraid of engulfment), they push and don't introspect, and if they are anxious (afraid of abandonment), they pull. When faced with an attachment figure and still not processing their own issues, they're in a constant state of trying to relieve their anxiety or their discomfort, and can feel "bored" if not being compelled in one of those two directions. Not bashing FAs at all. I don't think it's intentional, it seems to be a difficult and painful state of being. I'm sorry there's still a lot of instability. I otherwise have the same thing to say as always... own your mistakes and acknowledge them (apologize if you were in the wrong), move on from them after and don't ruminate but do try to reflect and work on them for your own sake, do what's best for yourself at the moment (which sounds like it's taking a break of indefinite length), and don't take his issues personally. YES. i believe FA get hijacked in both directions. how could it not be? AP get hijacked by activation. DA get hijacked by deactivation. Poor FA get yanked around both directions all the time by their own nervous system. Think about this. It's got to be incredibly confusing and difficult. i know how i was before awareness. i had no clue about me, or anyone. i was just going on deep instincts. I have loads of empathy for how wrenching this must be for FA. we have to remember this. hijacked BOTH WAYS. it's beyond what any straight up style has to bear. the climb is steep for FA . am i wrong? this is just what makes sense to me. and i'll add- they get yanked around just like the rest of us through no fault of their own. this happened to them. they have to do the best they can to heal , but before awareness? what to do? really. what. to. do. the best anyone can do is take care of themselves if they have the awareness to do so and let go with love. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 24, 2018 19:47:10 GMT
YES. i believe FA get hijacked in both directions. how could it not be? AP get hijacked by activation. DA get hijacked by deactivation. Poor FA get yanked around both directions all the time by their own nervous system. Think about this. It's got to be incredibly confusing and difficult. i know how i was before awareness. i had no clue about me, or anyone. i was just going on deep instincts. I have loads of empathy for how wrenching this must be for FA. we have to remember this. hijacked BOTH WAYS. it's beyond what any straight up style has to bear. the climb is steep for FA . am i wrong? this is just what makes sense to me. and i'll add- they get yanked around just like the rest of us through no fault of their own. this happened to them. they have to do the best they can to heal , but before awareness? what to do? really. what. to. do. the best anyone can do is take care of themselves if they have the awareness to do so and let go with love. Letting go is so hard.... |
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It's a hard situation to be in. Hugs!
