Need a little help today

I didn't know about the term stonewalling until today! I can understand it since you have explained to me how it feels. I can understand why my partner does it. Both your answers have to do with the article, it makes sense (and breaks my heart a little, on how things have developed to not feel safe enough). I sometimes don't care, sometimes I'm hurt but let it go and sometimes I'm here posting like someone is paying me for it. I know it sounds stupid but I think time in the relationships and finally letting go will help me handle it with my secure side. I've also realised in a very certain way that the suffering of losing him before had much more to do with my own narrative about life than with anything (life takes away what I love). But as christie says, I have to be bold and be emotionally smart or this is going to be lose-lose.

Juni, just as you say that needing space and getting distance is not about punishing (which I totally get),I think need of closeness and expresing a fear of abandonment is not about punishing, or manipulation or abuse (but it depends, of course, on the motivation and action. Some protest behaviours created by anxiousness are terrible, I've dealt with controling guys. My ex was like that). But yess, overt behaviours have much more potential to become punishing and violent than covert ones. I think 'punishment' have to do a lot with motivation. I can understand what you're saying and I'm sorry you experienced controlling and abusive behaviours. I think talking about it as a need is important, as it is not seen as a source of resentment.

As you said, we are very different people, and we both challenge each other. I have to decide if this means it can be an amazing opportunity to be better and resolve, or if we are going to cycle in a trap (which I rather not be in).

Thanks for your always great input hugs!

also, i know that all the insecure attachment behaviors have deep roots in survival.
i agree that the overtbehaviors have more potential to be punishing and violent, and are activated by the fight response of the nervous system which is by nature more aggressive.

without trying to be mean, i'd like to point out that i see some serious black and white thinking in your posts.

at some points, this guy is taking very good care of you through a devastating illness.
he's good to you.
then you see him as just trying to be in control and you're ignoring him, feeling that you are just taking good care of yourself and healing.
when you behave in certain ways, it's good and you're just reacting to his bullshit.
when he behaves in certain ways, he's just doing bullshit.

is it helpful for an AP to see the other as the villain to their innocent target?
does that help the process?
as in every case, it would be really interesting to hear the partners perspective on the relationship.
i just don't align with the idea that when he is doing his thing it's all bullshit and bad and you're just protecting yourself.

i'm telling you this not to hurt or criticize you but to point out that the black and white thinking can reinforce a narrative that keeps you stuck , where you have to fight against an imaginary foe externally.

the battle is within, and grace for yourself and him seems to be a more pattern- changing and healing approach.

i haven't heard of any real abuse happening here, just two insecurely attached people doing the jig.
we've all done it and that's why we are here.

I don't take any offence 🙂 I get where were you coming from, and it helps a lot to understand. It hurts for me as I'm not used to it, but it hurts me too when someone shouts angry at me too hahaha. It's inevitable to feel pain sometimes. We handle as we can and we're lucky if we find someone that makes us want to better ourselves at dealing with strong emotions and insecurities. And helps us, if course.

Thank you for reminding me, I sometimes forget he's afraid of loss too. I see him so independent! But I have seen him very caring and raw I know we can connect on that. And we both connect about it too. Thank you! This is a very beautiful message to me 😘 I've been so embarrassed at myself lately, I have to remember I can be sensitive but not a trembling heart.

I have stonewalled when someone continues to argue in spite of me saying I was tired and I feel pummeled or unsafe
. Other times I would just throw in the towel and basically say "Okay, whatever, you can be right, just leave me the hell alone." I know this sort of behaviour is not effective and when I find myself engaging in it, it is a clear sign I need to get out of this relationship/

The healthier alternative is to have a time out. This requires the withdrawing party to clearly state the need for some alone time and the expected time of return and requires that other party respects the boundary and does not go into further discussion or approach in the asserted alone time.

If you are the AP party, I would advice you let your partner know it is okay to call a time out if he feels unsafe or overwhelmed, and make clear that you will not contact him during timeout, so he can rest and heal. Then when there is a time out, do your own thing and be patient.

If you cannot stick to this, do not expect a DA to feel safe with you and consider ending the relationship as you cannot meet each other's needs. If you can stick with this over the course of months, your partner will likely feel safer with you.

I was thinking about this from my own experience and what happens when my partner pulls in, my attachment system goes off...it detects that something has changed and sounds off alarm bells and as an automatic response....I will think that there is something wrong that I need to address..now.  And since my attacment system is in high alert and I think there is something I need to address..then I will seek validation that everything is ok...at the worst possible time it seems.  And when I am activated and my partner is deactivated...we cannot give each other the validation and space that each of us needs....wow....good stuff to know about..just really challenging to alter that dynamic.

and i wouldn't stay friends either!!
too damaging