Responding to a Deactivating DA

Haha of course!!! No, not patronizing at all.

“What do you really stand to lose if you were to tell him that the pattern is not working for you (it's not, you are staying because you fear losing him, but you don't even 'have' him), and that for your own growth you need to let go of the relationship as it exists right now? But - if you do this, you have to mean it in your heart. You have to really be willing to say it with no expectations or agendas.”

Dear Camper- I can only begin to tell you how much your words affected me. 💙 As I read your comments I got goosebumps and then I felt panic in my heart. You took me through the whole gamut of emotions and stirred up a lot of thoughts, feelings and connections I haven’t thought of in a very long time or not at all. Thank you!

The first six months of our relationship was filled with so many highs and, yes, that feeling of euphoria. We both thought we finally found “the one” - until S hit an emotional wall and couldn’t continue. The loss was incredible to me. I’ve never taken a break up this hard- I never had to go into counseling after a break up and I never had thoughts of suicide after a break. I sought anti-depressants but was denied. I came out of a 25 year marriage a few years ago and that was much easier than this dissolution. I married the first person I kissed and I could let go of that and dividing up our kids and lives...but this letting go that you spoke of is the part that struck fear in my heart.

I’ve been doing a lot better standing alone this past year but to shut the door completely and to communicate that to S paralyzes me. What you said was right, I don’t have anything to lose bc I have lost him already, anyway. Logically, I understand that. Letting go is something that you as an FA might not be able to relate to the same way I do as an AP but it feels this way to me...it’s like scuba diving in the blackness 1000 feet below sea level and asking me to drop my oxygen tank, or it’s like jumping out of a plane, falling from the sky and then willingly dropping my parachute off my back, or pulling the trigger that someone has to my head. The fear is paralyzing- his security feels like my life line. Even his non-existent security that isn’t even there anymore is the best and most stable security I’ve ever experienced in my life. Permanently and willingly releasing that security I never had but always wanted feels impossible.

In hindsight, I tried to act perfectly with S at the end of our relationship when I felt him pulling away. I knew I was losing him due to the handful of times I lost emotional self control, and I thought if I could just be “good enough,” I could earn him back. The same way I had to be the perfect little girl and perfect teenager for my mom to accept me. She was emotionally absent and lacked all empathy. She cared only about image. There were no hugs, kisses or the words “I love you” in my house. My dad was present physically but spoke 3 to 5 words to me per year. We had zero connection. My parents’ relationship with each other was volatile and marked with fighting so I mostly hit out in my bedroom and self soothed from a young age.

I particularly remember as a very young girl crying in my bedroom one day and saying “mom” as I cried but I recall that in the middle of crying I thought, she’s the one that caused me to cry, why would I cry out for her? From a very young age I was independent and relied only on me- I went to neither parent for help or reassurance. I’d rather suffer in silence. I’m surprised I’m not an avoidant as a result, but I guess that little girl in me is still desperate for love, attention, and validation. She never gave up.

My mom recalls how as a baby I would cling to her and be afraid to leave her lap- she’d recount this memory with satisfaction and glee, never seeing how detrimental that is to a child to feel insecure and fearful- afraid to move. Control and manipulation were her trademarks and I was her compliant puppet. My attachment trauma runs deep.

Your post resonated within me because I know what you’re saying is true and is the healthy choice. Even before I read your post I was thinking I need to let go and focus on me, but for some reason when you said it, letting go felt more real.

I still think if he moved on with someone else that would cause me to give up hope and release him. I think I’d feel betrayed and angry enough to give up and let go....and I also think in his mind that would be the point of no return. Right now- he has no desire to leave the house, let alone date.

I had two parents who weren’t capable of giving or receiving love and now I’m pining over an ex boyfriend who is no more capable. You gave me a lot to process and think about, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insight and dots I’m now connecting.

I’ve spent a lot of time in prayer this past year- seeking revelation of the love and acceptance I have within, from the God who made me and knows all my frailties and loves me regardless. I will continue to focus on my well being, spending time in prayer and being kind to that little girl inside of me who is still hungry and thirsty for love.

Thank you so much, Camper 😇

FHL, your story is similar to mine, minus the depression in my former guy: Magic, his breaking it off once it got emotionally intense, him coming back briefly--and then a long period of measured contact (in my case, mostly by text initiated by me). In that latter period, I think I was where you are now.

I also tried to regulate myself, to give him space, to not make demands, to not raise issues as I had in the past for fear of shutting him down--all to the end goal of making him feel safe to start again with me. As he did engage with me when I reached out, I felt that was progress, but actually, in my case--it wasn't. It felt like it was at the time, that engagement meant we were on a slow path to getting back together, but...it really wasn't. Not sure why he engaged, probably because he likes me, which he does, and saw no reason to cut me off. What happened in the end was after 5 months of this, I reached a point where I couddn't handle the ambiguity anymore and finally revealed my feelings, at great cost to myself as I made myself extremely vulnerable, and then heard him say what I had been so afraid of.

I wish in retrospect I had not tried to adjust to what I thought he needed to start again, but had simply asked and heard his answer much earlier. I was too afraid. However, it would have spared me a lot of anxiety and uncertainty. Because in the end--and this is the key point--the answer was the same from him. I am sharing this because I would hate for you to go through this same thing. if your situation is like mine, you will hope and see small signs, but nothing will fundamentally change bringing up anxiety, fear, sadness, and whole tangle of emotions. Then when you cannot stand it, you WILL reach a point where you want clarity. Where you will NEED to pin him down. And the odds are that it will be a very painful experience. Tactics do not change anything. They just don't. Truly, truly. They do not.

If I were giving advice to the me of several months ago, I would say, "don't adjust, don't wait for him to decide he wants you/tell you he is done. Rather, tell him that you are done as the current way of relating is not what you want." I would also say to my past self, "Accept what he is showing you for what it is--not a path to hope, but his truth of where he is and what he wants."

I know that it is terribly hard to do that when it is so much not what you want, when you want to have back what you had and just want to do all you can to get back there. In my own case, though, I wish I had just accepted that he was not moving toward me for reasons of his own and that it was nothing I could influence. The trap of coming to understand attachment wounds is that you think that you can. But really, you cannot. Again, speaking for myself, I wish I had just believed what he was showing me and taken care of myself accordingly. Nothing I did ...changed anything. I totally empathize with where you are, and hope you know I write from that place...

Hey, Camper 🙂

Are you sure you’re avoidant? Lol I only ask bc you articulate so much how I feel. It’s comforting to not feel alone...great response

Camper: “And you are totally right in saying 'Letting go is something that you as an FA might not be able to relate to the same way I do as an AP'.”
Haha and please know I didn’t mean that in a condescending way at all!! 😂🤷‍♀️ I was just recognizing the traditional differences in our attachment and ways of relating. I now try to understand the fear S feels with intimacy by connecting it to the fear and panic I feel in time and space. Different stimulas but same negative reaction. At least, that’s how I’m trying to understand it!! 🙂

Camper: “God, I hope I bottomed out - I can't imagine it being any worse.”
Lol This really made me laugh but only bc I can totally relate!! I echo your feelings and also I feel you’re right!! If you’re seeking help, you probably have bottomed out!! And that’s a good thing for us...I heard once that rock bottom is the best foundation- let’s use that as our mantra! 🙌

Camper: “While a lot of the sadness I feel is about the break itself and the loss of my ex specifically, a huge amount of the sadness, grief and fear I feel is actually linked to the realization that I've spent the first half of my life (to now) being disconnected, cynical, withholding, and untrusting with people close to me, and the pain that's caused. On top of that is fear over the prospect of spending the next half of my life in the same trance, making the same mistakes. The crash has shown me what I've lost, what I stand to lose and what I stand to gain.”
Yes!! This ☝️ spoke to me so incredibly much. I felt down yesterday after posting- it opened a lot of old wounds, and I realized that it wasn’t so much the loss of my ex that had me so down, it was the awareness of my insecure and unhealthy choices I’ve made with every intimate relationship I’ve even been in. From the time I latched onto my first bf at 14 years old...Every relationship and my judgements were marred in some way by my terrible neediness and insecurities. I can take your sentence and switch it to: I spent the first half of my life (to now) getting overly and too quickly attached, naive, chasing a fairy tale, wanting a knight to rescue me, too trusting- not asserting my own needs, making my partner my world and allowing them to feel that pressure. All that and more!!! A ton of regret and feelings of “Will I ever heal- will I ever get it right? Is my ex right to feel better off alone? Am I better off alone??” I’m now 43 and the first half of life was filled with only failed relationships so I’m looking ahead to the second half of my life, like you, wondering- is it possible to get this right? I hope so. For you and me both...and every other poster on this site!!

Camper: “My ex and I are still talking so who knows how that will unfold over time.”
Do you hang out together or just keep it to texting, phone calls? I’ve pulled back from all contact just days ago bc I also feel I need to focus on the relationship between myself and me. I realize interacting w S often triggers me but also gives me practice to apply secure behavior. However, in complete silence and absence that offers a greater place for discipline and a chance to become strong on my own. I’m clearly not ready for a relationship but is it counterproductive to keep him at a safe distance? I’m not sure about this since we both may be just giving each other enough to enable each other. I saw myself as enabling him with our meet ups but he may also be enabling me by providing me with that little bit of closeness and validation I crave.
I agree- letting go of outcome is key...and liberating. I experience moments where I can. “Whatever will be will be” mentality. That’s still a fundamental struggle for me bc I guess it falls under the umbrella of “letting go.” Always tough...

Camper: “The relationship that I absolutely need to tend to now is with my own heart. I smile at the irony of it.”
Beautifully stated and it made me smile, too. 🙂 I have just recently saw the irony that I need to be stand alone so that someday I can have a partner next to me...and love them the right way.

Take care, Camper ((hugs))

Hi faith, earlier in one of these threads mrob described FA as "the best parts of AP and DA" so FAs do indeed know the pain of letting go.

Nine months later, she’s in a good, fulfilling relationship, and I’m still somewhat of a mess. And I created the problem, so apart from here, I have to shut up about it. Yep. The best (!) parts of both.