Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:08:57 GMT
OFF TOPIC (I don't want to create a new thread): How do I tell the difference between DA's deactivation and a firm, rational decision? I can't, can I? i'm assuming the decision is of major import- like a breakup? if so, for me, time. my deactivation lasts typically about three days then i come out of the fog and need to try to repair if i am not actually intending to end a relationship. if i'm not in contact already i willl be wanting to restablish it. if i've made a decision then there's no internal motivation to reestsblish and i won't initiate contact. i won't want to talk about anything anymore. i've left the building. i don't know if that's what you mean tho. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Nov 7, 2018 12:10:07 GMT
OFF TOPIC (I don't want to create a new thread): Is thinking that you can't meet your partner's needs and it will lead to resentment, depression (creating fatalistic, rationalized scenarios as if everything is set in stone and unable to change) in respond to criticism and conflict a form of deactivation? I'm asking because it's reasonable and a legitimate reason to think it's better to end a relationship and I should respect that. I'm FA though. I don't know when I should let go and I don't know when it becomes too much, toxic. Basically: we had an argument; to me it was just an argument but he always takes it to extremes. I wonder if this mindset that there's no future and I won't be happy with him is just a temporary thing and will pass when he gets his time away from me? Do I simply let him forget that argument or should I think and respect it is done? Though call.. I think it's a form of reacting from an FA when dealing with relationship pressure. I think FA thinking it's very pessimistic both viewing themselves and others. And it's a very normal fear to have (heck, I have it sometimes too... ). So I think it's important to step back and remember progress is not linear, and that sometimes we lack confidence in certain things for a period of time or after a fight. But if he's mostly all the time thinking this... maybe it's different. Is this a normal thing for him to say? Maybe some other FAs can offer input  I do think that with insecure partners fight are more dramatic and things sometimes get taken out of context. If for you it's hard to see too, take some time to yourself and think on your genera outlook on the relationship, and if this is what you want or you feel you can continue evolving towards something fullfilling for you. Take care, christie. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:18:58 GMT
OFF TOPIC (I don't want to create a new thread): How do I tell the difference between DA's deactivation and a firm, rational decision? I can't, can I? i'm assuming the decision is of major import- like a breakup? if so, for me, time. my deactivation lasts typically about three days then i come out of the fog and need to try to repair if i am not actually intending to end a relationship. if i'm not in contact already i willl be wanting to restablish it. if i've made a decision then there's no internal motivation to reestsblish and i won't initiate contact. i won't want to talk about anything anymore. i've left the building. i don't know if that's what you mean tho. Yes, more or less. He's never initiated (unless I didn't cause deactivation directly and I didn't engage, I did this time) but he always came back when I did (months after at times). I don't know how to tell if it's the same thing again or it's real this time. I don't want to chase again but I don't want to let go over something stupid. |
|
|
|
Post by lilyg on Nov 7, 2018 12:26:19 GMT
OFF TOPIC (I don't want to create a new thread): How do I tell the difference between DA's deactivation and a firm, rational decision? I can't, can I? i'm assuming the decision is of major import- like a breakup? if so, for me, time. my deactivation lasts typically about three days then i come out of the fog and need to try to repair if i am not actually intending to end a relationship. if i'm not in contact already i willl be wanting to restablish it. if i've made a decision then there's no internal motivation to reestsblish and i won't initiate contact. i won't want to talk about anything anymore. i've left the building. i don't know if that's what you mean tho. This is a good approach. I'll give him a couple of days clearly stating him that I'm giving him the time he clearly needs. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:39:09 GMT
Is this a normal thing for him to say? Maybe some other FAs can offer input I do think that with insecure partners fight are more dramatic and things sometimes get taken out of context. If for you it's hard to see too, take some time to yourself and think on your genera outlook on the relationship, and if this is what you want or you feel you can continue evolving towards something fullfilling for you. Take care, christie. He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:49:38 GMT
i'm assuming the decision is of major import- like a breakup? if so, for me, time. my deactivation lasts typically about three days then i come out of the fog and need to try to repair if i am not actually intending to end a relationship. if i'm not in contact already i willl be wanting to restablish it. if i've made a decision then there's no internal motivation to reestsblish and i won't initiate contact. i won't want to talk about anything anymore. i've left the building. i don't know if that's what you mean tho. Yes, more or less. He's never initiated (unless I didn't cause deactivation directly and I did this time) but he always came back when I did (months after at times). I don't know how to tell if it's the same thing again or it's real this time. I don't want to chase again but I don't want to let go over something stupid. ouch, i'm so sorry. your posts have been so wise and reasonable, i've always resonated with what you've shared and i'm sure you're reasonable in this relationship! i'm not a returner, as far as leaving for months and coming back. so i don't know about that. but i wonder, would you be able to just ask him- and then hold him accountable for the Yea or Nay, about the future of the relationship? I mean, that's what i would do. i would be like "Hey, we've done this before and here we are, we know the deal. I'm working on decisions here, of my own. we've gone back and forth before and i want to know from you, is this your final position? because i'm picking a lane. i'm open to your fluctuations - for now. I'll respect your answer- but please do the courtesy of providing one." now, that communication would only cost me a relationship not worth having. i just can't let someone else drive the train of my life. i've been there and done that and it didn't work for me to have someone else pulling all the strings. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 12:52:49 GMT
@christie I would say time and how we parted ways. If we had a relationship and I actually ended the relationship, or even if you ended the relationship, I start my release process and get over you. Or if you were a romantic prospect and either of us expressed disinterest in a relationship together "I don't think it will work between us", I let go for good.
If I just need a brief break, I may tell you I need a few days for myself or if you do not hear from me for a few days but we parted on a good note there is little to worry about.
Now if you have been engaged in protest behaviour or have critisized me heavily, I'd be thinking "So if you are this unhappy, why don't you just go?". I would probably just openly ask, but have in the past withdrawn after a fight hoping they would come to their own conclusion that this is not working. Cowardly, but many still are. If it was milder drama, I would not consider a breakup but would be less motivated to be in the relationship and more focussed on my own things. I'd be open to contact if you wanted to make things up and find ways to prevent further drama.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:53:56 GMT
oh, and if you did something that hurt the relationship (we all do) and are more coming from a place of wanting to repair, the approach should be different. but just as candid.
pretty much like you shared.
i'm very able to take responsibility once i see my error, to me it's not super emotional it's logical to do that. it's rational and fair.
so i appreciate and respond very well when someone else can show me that care and respect.
it sounds like he has low self esteeem which makes this all more volatile tho.
|
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 12:55:41 GMT
By the way, unaware or less developed DA can be very sensitive to criticism. I know I was. If this is the case to the extent that no issue can be brought up without him getting trigger, it is best to steer clear. It means he is not ready to be in a relationship and lacks the skills.
|
|
|
|
Post by 8675309 on Nov 7, 2018 12:55:47 GMT
Is this a normal thing for him to say? Maybe some other FAs can offer input I do think that with insecure partners fight are more dramatic and things sometimes get taken out of context. If for you it's hard to see too, take some time to yourself and think on your genera outlook on the relationship, and if this is what you want or you feel you can continue evolving towards something fullfilling for you. Take care, christie. He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. Im secure and I have fought with the 'only if'! haha. This is not necessarily just an attachment thing, its human.
Im still trapped in thoughts I cant shake, they are decreasing but they are still there. And the I know he will be back so Im a bit trapped in that too.
Its way I bought my release candle, Im done with my trapped thoughts. I. Cant. Stand. IT! LOL
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:56:31 GMT
the thing is, there should be space to allow you to make mistakes and repair.
if you don't have that with him, he's not good enough at relationships to be worthy of a chase.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 12:57:45 GMT
By the way, unaware or less developed DA can be very sensitive to criticism. I know I was. If this is the case to the extent that no issue can be brought up without him getting trigger, it is best to steer clear. It means he is not ready to be in a relationship and lacks the skills. ooh, different wording on what i just wrote. EXACTLY TRUE. don't try to limp along a sensitive DA with low self esteem, it's madness. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 13:03:10 GMT
Yes, more or less. He's never initiated (unless I didn't cause deactivation directly and I did this time) but he always came back when I did (months after at times). I don't know how to tell if it's the same thing again or it's real this time. I don't want to chase again but I don't want to let go over something stupid. ouch, i'm so sorry. your posts have been so wise and reasonable, i've always resonated with what you've shared and i'm sure you're reasonable in this relationship! i'm not a returner, as far as leaving for months and coming back. so i don't know about that. but i wonder, would you be able to just ask him- and then hold him accountable for the Yea or Nay, about the future of the relationship? I mean, that's what i would do. i would be like "Hey, we've done this before and here we are, we know the deal. I'm working on decisions here, of my own. we've gone back and forth before and i want to know from you, is this your final position? because i'm picking a lane. i'm open to your fluctuations - for now. I'll respect your answer- but please do the courtesy of providing one." now, that communication would only cost me a relationship not worth having. i just can't let someone else drive the train of my life. i've been there and done that and it didn't work for me to have someone else pulling all the strings. Thank you, but I make a big mess at times. I could ask him if I had a van, anaesthetics, rope, a basement and all the tools for waterboarding. He shut down completely and won't talk to me. I said something similar at another occasion. It worked given I gave him space afterwords. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 13:12:29 GMT
@christie I would say time and how we parted ways. If we had a relationship and I actually ended the relationship, or even if you ended the relationship, I start my release process and get over you. Or if you were a romantic prospect and either of us expressed disinterest in a relationship together "I don't think it will work between us", I let go for good. If I just need a brief break, I may tell you I need a few days for myself or if you do not hear from me for a few days but we parted on a good note there is little to worry about. Now if you have been engaged in protest behaviour or have critisized me heavily, I'd be thinking "So if you are this unhappy, why don't you just go?". I would probably just openly ask, but have in the past withdrawn after a fight hoping they would come to their own conclusion that this is not working. Cowardly, but many still are. If it was milder drama, I would not consider a breakup but would be less motivated to be in the relationship and more focussed on my own things. I'd be open to contact if you wanted to make things up and find ways to prevent further drama.If you make up after something like this, do you forget about it after some time? As if it matters only in that moment and when you're deactivated? He has fake high self esteem, he's very insecure when you see him without a mask. He's improving fast or I would have given up a long time ago(I wonder if I drag him down though), but I don't think he notices it, or thinks it's enough/important. I see a great potential in him. He's such a great person, when not a douche. |
|
|
|
Post by goldilocks on Nov 7, 2018 13:28:38 GMT
If criticism is voiced in a dramatic way or there is unreasonable behaviour, I don't forget anything. An apology is only worth its while when behaviour is adjusted. If there has been a certain amount of drama, no matter how many apologies are given, and there is a pattern of drama visible, I would break up. Even if you are gorgeous and rich and apologize profusely and are good in the sack, I am not willing to deal with fortnightly drama.
If your criticism is reasonable and voiced in an effective way, it would not trigger me, but it may trigger him. He may not be fit for romance.
Falling for potential is not a good strategy in relationships. Choose someone you like well enough as is if you want to be happy. He may never change, or he may leave you for someone else as soon as he changes.
|
|
