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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 13:41:16 GMT
Thank you all, it was helpful.
My fault or not, we both have to improve a lot. I'll let him decide if he wants to work on it together.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 14:00:29 GMT
ouch, i'm so sorry. your posts have been so wise and reasonable, i've always resonated with what you've shared and i'm sure you're reasonable in this relationship! i'm not a returner, as far as leaving for months and coming back. so i don't know about that. but i wonder, would you be able to just ask him- and then hold him accountable for the Yea or Nay, about the future of the relationship? I mean, that's what i would do. i would be like "Hey, we've done this before and here we are, we know the deal. I'm working on decisions here, of my own. we've gone back and forth before and i want to know from you, is this your final position? because i'm picking a lane. i'm open to your fluctuations - for now. I'll respect your answer- but please do the courtesy of providing one." now, that communication would only cost me a relationship not worth having. i just can't let someone else drive the train of my life. i've been there and done that and it didn't work for me to have someone else pulling all the strings. Thank you, but I make a big mess at times. I could ask him if I had a van, anaesthetics, rope, a basement and all the tools for waterboarding. He shut down completely and won't talk to me. I said something similar at another occasion. It worked given I gave him space afterwords. i know that patterns can be toxic, so if there is a bigpattern of injurious behavior back and forth then the simple/difficult answer is , chuck this entanglement. but all of us make mistakes- sometimes big ones. to get iced out BETTER be a final decision. that's the ONLY time icing someone out is appropriate, and then only if adequate closure communication has taken place. there may be disagreement on what's adequate there. but this is about RESEPCT. you've been in a relationship, and being discarded even after a failure is just not ok. if someone ices me out, it's only once. that's so disrespectful. it's not deactivation it's assholery. in my humble DA opinion. lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 14:20:37 GMT
Is this a normal thing for him to say? Maybe some other FAs can offer input  I do think that with insecure partners fight are more dramatic and things sometimes get taken out of context. If for you it's hard to see too, take some time to yourself and think on your genera outlook on the relationship, and if this is what you want or you feel you can continue evolving towards something fullfilling for you. Take care, christie. He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. does he have some narcissistic traits? it sounds like he might struggle in the deep end of DA. i'm sympathetic to that because narcissistic injury is brutal and not deserved by those who suffer it. but it's supremely difficult to gain stability in a relationship with such an injured person, and to adjust to it is an exercise in self-mutilation. life is too long AND to short to dance to someone else's broken beats. healing is possible for all of us, even deep DA. but they might not get it in this lifetime. who knows. i hope so. but i have to live my own potential. we all do. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2018 14:46:53 GMT
He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. does he have some narcissistic traits? it sounds like he might struggle in the deep end of DA. i'm sympathetic to that because narcissistic injury is brutal and not deserved by those who suffer it. but it's supremely difficult to gain stability in a relationship with such an injured person, and to adjust to it is an exercise in self-mutilation. life is too long AND to short to dance to someone else's broken beats. healing is possible for all of us, even deep DA. but they might not get it in this lifetime. who knows. i hope so. but i have to live my own potential. we all do. I'm sure he isn't a narcissist, but he's is in the deep end of DA. When his attachment wound is triggered he turns off completely, the only thing that matters is self-preservation and everyone is out to get him -but only then. We've known each other for over 5 years now, he made a lot of progress in the past two years, it's constant- there's so much to fix, even if he wanted it won't be over night. He's vulnerable with me and he reacts positively to my secure behavior, when I'm acting as such. I realize it if continues I'll hurt myself and he's not suited to be a good partner right now, I have to make decisions but I'm broken too, and I'm not motivated to be in a relationship with anyone else. I'd rather to be alone and not because he's "the one". |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2018 1:12:20 GMT
Is this a normal thing for him to say? Maybe some other FAs can offer input I do think that with insecure partners fight are more dramatic and things sometimes get taken out of context. If for you it's hard to see too, take some time to yourself and think on your genera outlook on the relationship, and if this is what you want or you feel you can continue evolving towards something fullfilling for you. Take care, christie. He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. He sounds very similar to my ex DA that I still see. He couldn’t handle criticism- even if I was just joking around with him, for example, not making his bed or something that I considered trivial...and every conflict was a reason for him to see us an incompatible. I remember the first time I saw this- I mentioned to him that I would like us to go out on more date nights, he actually started to cry and told me he thought “things were going so well and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten attached to me.” I was stunned. I had no idea he’d react that strongly. It was the first glimpse I got of his insecure side. Our Friday night was ruined. It was also the beginning of myself being afraid to communicate openly with him. I was confused and hurt. I’d give him a couple days of space and then reach out. If he’s like my DA, he won’t be the one to reach out after a conflict where he felt wronged. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 1:28:43 GMT
He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. He sounds very similar to my ex DA that I still see. He couldn’t handle criticism- even if I was just joking around with him, for example, not making his bed or something that I considered trivial...and every conflict was a reason for him to see us an incompatible. I remember the first time I saw this- I mentioned to him that I would like us to go out on more date nights, he actually started to cry and told me he thought “things were going so well and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten attached to me.” I was stunned. I had no idea he’d react that strongly. It was the first glimpse I got of his insecure side. Our Friday night was ruined. It was also the beginning of myself being afraid to communicate openly with him. I was confused and hurt. I’d give him a couple days of space and then reach out. If he’s like my DA, he won’t be the one to reach out after a conflict where he felt wronged. wait- he cried during a conflict? wayyyyyy not DA. cannot imagine. this may be the one clue i have heard that he's not dismissive. just saying. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2018 1:37:28 GMT
He sounds very similar to my ex DA that I still see. He couldn’t handle criticism- even if I was just joking around with him, for example, not making his bed or something that I considered trivial...and every conflict was a reason for him to see us an incompatible. I remember the first time I saw this- I mentioned to him that I would like us to go out on more date nights, he actually started to cry and told me he thought “things were going so well and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten attached to me.” I was stunned. I had no idea he’d react that strongly. It was the first glimpse I got of his insecure side. Our Friday night was ruined. It was also the beginning of myself being afraid to communicate openly with him. I was confused and hurt. I’d give him a couple days of space and then reach out. If he’s like my DA, he won’t be the one to reach out after a conflict where he felt wronged. wait- he cried during a conflict? wayyyyyy not DA. cannot imagine. this may be the one clue i have heard that he's not dismissive. just saying. Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2018 1:40:09 GMT
wait- he cried during a conflict? wayyyyyy not DA. cannot imagine. this may be the one clue i have heard that he's not dismissive. just saying. Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Yeah, in our relationship he presented FA....but since the break a deep DA. I took the quiz for him and got DA. When I saw him last week he said being alone isn’t so bad is it?? Ugh |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 3:07:56 GMT
Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Yeah, in our relationship he presented FA....but since the break a deep DA. I took the quiz for him and got DA. When I saw him last week he said being alone isn’t so bad is it?? Ugh yeah, he is totally not relationship ready, not even one single little bit. and that's ok! he's got his entire lifetime to figure himself out, and even if he doesn't, that's ok too. as long as you expect nothing further than what you're getting, you can do this as long as you want. but don't be looking for change. that's your own trap, it's got nothing to do with him. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 8, 2018 3:20:07 GMT
wait- he cried during a conflict? wayyyyyy not DA. cannot imagine. this may be the one clue i have heard that he's not dismissive. just saying. Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Oh man, I totally get this. Any little arguement is a reason to run "she doesn't like you/this isn't working/you arent good enough/emotionally available enough and she is going to leave you anyway" f-ing nonsense. Pisses me off in retrospect. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 3:52:21 GMT
Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Oh man, I totally get this. Any little arguement is a reason to run "she doesn't like you/this isn't working/you arent good enough/emotionally available enough and she is going to leave you anyway" f-ing nonsense. Pisses me off in retrospect. this has to be incredibly painful. i'm sorry epicgum. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 8, 2018 5:36:31 GMT
Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Oh man, I totally get this. Any little arguement is a reason to run "she doesn't like you/this isn't working/you arent good enough/emotionally available enough and she is going to leave you anyway" f-ing nonsense. Pisses me off in retrospect. You too, Epicgum? I sincerely didn’t feel he wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t happy. I loved being with him so much. He read so much negativity into my statement bc I just wanted to get out a little more with him. It never even crossed my mind that I wasn’t happy with HIM or I wanted to leave him bc I thought we could get out of the 4 walls a little more. It pained me that he took it so hard. I thought it would be a 5 minute discussion about fun things we could do and instead turned into a major conflict with him doubting us. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 8, 2018 5:51:45 GMT
Oh man, I totally get this. Any little arguement is a reason to run "she doesn't like you/this isn't working/you arent good enough/emotionally available enough and she is going to leave you anyway" f-ing nonsense. Pisses me off in retrospect. You too, Epicgum? I sincerely didn’t feel he wasn’t good enough or that I wasn’t happy. I loved being with him so much. He read so much negativity into my statement bc I just wanted to get out a little more with him. It never even crossed my mind that I wasn’t happy with HIM or I wanted to leave him bc I thought we could get out of the 4 walls a little more. It pained me that he took it so hard. I thought it would be a 5 minute discussion about fun things we could do and instead turned into a major conflict with him doubting us. This is from an FA perspective, but yes, if my partner was upset with me (or even upset in general and it bled over into me and I could not sooth her) I would get very upset as well and want to run away and hide. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 7:42:15 GMT
He's DA. It seems he's aware that his behavior isn't right at times, he thinks he can't control it and he fears people will reject him based of that (he mentioned something along the lines many times even before we were together, he won't ever show it) so he reacts very strongly to criticism and as if every disagreement was the end-with him having the upper-hand. But it could also be a legitimate reason, it's tiring, I contribute to it too. It's also true. My needs have to be met, I know it now. With the difference I think it can be done, I need so little. I'm not secure so I have to fight "only if" mindset. I don't want to chase anymore but I know it was my fault, I know he's changing too and "only if" he wasn't running away from conflict and understood we are just flawed humans with emotions, nothing is black or white. I just want to know "is it it?", it's not yet for me. He sounds very similar to my ex DA that I still see. He couldn’t handle criticism- even if I was just joking around with him, for example, not making his bed or something that I considered trivial...and every conflict was a reason for him to see us an incompatible. I remember the first time I saw this- I mentioned to him that I would like us to go out on more date nights, he actually started to cry and told me he thought “things were going so well and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten attached to me.” I was stunned. I had no idea he’d react that strongly. It was the first glimpse I got of his insecure side. Our Friday night was ruined. It was also the beginning of myself being afraid to communicate openly with him. I was confused and hurt. I’d give him a couple days of space and then reach out. If he’s like my DA, he won’t be the one to reach out after a conflict where he felt wronged. "and every conflict was a reason for him to see us an incompatible" that part checks, but he rarely communicates it. He's attitude changes but he would never ever cry or tell me directly it affects him. That's the upper- hand I talked about. He let me see how sensitive to rejection he is with other people, and I can see how he reacts but he would never give me a leverage like that. He still won't admit he's attached or that it affects him. "things were going so well and he knew he shouldn’t have gotten attached to me.” he can have more emotional personality than mine do but I see a hint of manipulation and a dash of FA "I messed up, what now, please validate me while I'm pushing you away" |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 8:11:14 GMT
Juniper! Yes...OMG I totally hear you about the crying thing??! but that night was his first and last time he shed a tear in front of me. He wasn’t crying a stream or anything probably just 2 tears escaped during our talk but even later that night my hand got wet from his tears- I hadn’t realized he had turned away and was crying in bed??! I felt so bad but he told me to stop talking about it when I tried to smooth things over. So unlike him- and all over something trivial to me. He took it as deep criticism and thought he couldn’t satisfy me and we were over. I was blown away. Believe me- he tells me he never loses control and is almost stoic in nature. Oh man, I totally get this. Any little arguement is a reason to run "she doesn't like you/this isn't working/you arent good enough/emotionally available enough and she is going to leave you anyway" f-ing nonsense. Pisses me off in retrospect. That's typical to FAs, I'm not sure if DA would have the same narrative when triggered; more like "I don't like her/this isn't working/she's not X enough/she's going to leave anyway". I identify with it as FA but those thoughts appear not during conflict but when he gets closer. When I'm being criticized, I dissociate. Perhaps patterns we follow will differ depending on exact patterns we learnt during childhood. 4 categories are not enough, each person is an individual with their own, unique history behind their behavior. |
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