Responding to a Deactivating DA

This is true and but not always.
As you mentioned, we had to endure ruthless criticism of our existence when young and it's understandable that someone who knew only this from a very young age perceives everything as criticisms even if it isn't- they never knew anything else, they might not know they don't have to be perfect and that not everything they're doing is wrong. Sometimes it'd beyond the attachment theory.

It's true that enough is enough but I'd say it's more due to having a passive aggressive communication style rather than your attachment style. It can be a part of DA/AP dynamic but it's more due to handicapped ability to express one's needs, things you've learnt observing your parents' communication and/or having sick expectations in a relationship, imho. It's something I've seen my DA mother doing all the time. I hate those "jokes" of hers and I pointed out many times how damaging it can be but she thinks it's innocent. The pattern is clear- she won't communicate directly and she's enforcing her needs and wants using criticism.

Might be. I don't have any experience with anxious partners only friends who are very emotionally needy, "woe is me", passive agressive can be manipulative to get validation and throw tantrums when their needs aren't met but they've never criticized me in my face. They do criticize others/partners to others to express anger and we also saw examples of this here too but I assumed a big part of it is preoccupation, that their partner will see the neediness rather than criticism per se. They tend to be people pleasers after all.

So it might be that for DA anger=criticism, it makes sense why they seem sensitive to others then! 

I don't doubt that. I know my AP friends are prone to that and it's not easy to deal with even if you're secure (I'm rather secure with my friends and I can put up with it, I wouldn't tolerate it in a partner) but if it's true for DAs that they tend to see anger as criticism- you're in fact sensitive to it.
Anger doesn't mean criticism at all, it doesn't have to personal or related to a relationship at all. 

It makes so much sense now.

Could it be also why DAs don't like displaying(by others) negative emotions?

yes.
especially anger coming from an anxious partner.
an anxious partner is not skilled in voicing their needs in a constructive way. hence protest behavior. which is often hostile. not to say avoidant are skilled at voicing needs. but protest behavior is more fight or flight, confrontational.
avoidance is more passive, flee, freeze.


the tendency i have seen in relationship is for anxious to say
you do this this
you don't that

and then the tendency on the forum is to say
he/she does this
he/she doesn't do that

with the focus on the partner, the unhappy , discontent, "it's not enough for me" focus.

even boundaries meant to get needs met seem to be negative:

i feel bad when you do this.
i feel bad when you do that.

instead of finding something positive to build on
"i love when you do this, thank you! it means so much"

it's all problem-focused and the solution is so often:
BE BETTER!!!


the partner is the "doer" or "not doer" and the anxious is the person with the emotional reaction.
the reactor.

so, AP anger does actually tend to be critical.

an example is, say an anxious feels insecure, not worthy.
reaction? My partner is cheating.

an accusation or even suspicion of cheating is in fact critical of the partners character and behavior- it's not needy. it's kind of like character assasination.

If an anxious feels ignored they will likely say
"you're ignoring me" , at least in my experience.

until they learn better ways of acknowledging and expressing their needs , anxious tend to sound very critical.

not necessarily sensitive.
that's an outside perception.
my reaction to it is stated above.
it's more like "stop nagging."