Responding to a Deactivating DA

o don't think i'm being understood, quite in what i mean.

as. dA i don't feel hurt or rejected by criticism.

i feel attacked by an unhappy person who really should mind their own business or move on if they feel the need to be critical often. like i said, remember the foundation of protest behavior + critical remarks... it is overload of negativity.

on the whole, DA tire of complaining and negativity, we aren't necessarily hurt by it.

to a da, relationship and acceptance is not as important as to someone who is not dismissive.

criticism is a pain in the ass.

sounds awful, and it's not that i won't adjust in ways i find reasonable or respectfully addressed.

but that's not the norm in the AP/ avoidant trap.

no, with an ap in the trap, criticism is overlaid on top of an underlying continuous message of "you're not enough."

you are failing to see the forest for the trees there.

yes- but we are talking about the ap/avoidant trap.
i'm providing the other side of the coin with the DA perspective of AP criticism in the trap.

any DA with an AP is in the trap too.
it's just a toxic pairing.

My current boyfriend and i can have discussions about preferences that don't actually involve criticism at all.
it's much more secure.
why be critical, anyway? there are ways to communicate about needs and preferences that don't involve criticism at all.

i'm just going to say, about the criticism part.
many of us, all insecure types, endured ruthless criticism when young.
i chose mates that were consistently unhappy with me, critical, dissatisfied. that's the injury working.
AP are typically chronically dissatisfied. Unhappy with their partner's "inadequacies". not enough this. not enough that. seeking validation, more, more, more. that's the injury working.
when it comes to all the "joking" criticism, about "trivial" things, in my relationships, including the one with my toxic partner.... it was WEARING. EXHAUSTING to be continually ribbed about me being me. underlying the banter was a real incompatibility of needs, values, lifestyles.
i don't believe necessarily in these situations that the DA is SO SENSITIVE to the smallest slight without believing that the AP or anxious leaning partner isn't overly critical and demanding with bigger things and says a lot of other critical things in jest.
that would fit more with the AP/avoidant dance than this narrative about overly sensitive avoidants.

let's consider that in the dynamic. perhaps one partner complains way too much and there is a critical speech overload .

it could happen with an AP you know. Avoidant are sensitive to criticism and AP are critical.

Avoidant are sensitive to criticism- and so are AP.
Avoidant are critical to deactivate, also.

why talk so much about exes? does it help, is it commiseration, i don't understand it so much.

also, as DA i would most be aware of the response to criticism in me that says:
"Really? i'm grown. who are you? have you seen a mirror lately? if you're miserable, why are you here?"

and finally, "OMG SHUT IT. "

there isn't a whole lot of patience with complaining in the DA mindset.

it just part of the anxious /avoidant dynamic, this unhappiness.