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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 16:49:59 GMT
Something kind of fascinating has happened.. I'm normally AP around DAs, but since I have learned more about attachment, I've started to strike them off very fast in the dating process
I was seeing a DA guy who I found to be kind of materialistic and focused around outter growth, and I'm focused around inner growth, so I struck him off fast as my FA side kicked in and I didn't want to get too close
I told him I wanted to just be friends, and then was kind of avoiding him, if I'm honest - not because I didn't like him but because I didn't want to like him
We slept together a couple of times, and I recently went to his house to pick up some jewellery I left a few weeks ago, and it was really obvious he didn't want me to go
I said that I'd call him to hang out the next week, since I felt maybe he just wanted sex and I wasn't about to do that to myself
Anyway, he texts me tonight asking if I'm busy and that he thought we'd hang out this week... I jokingly said "Aw, you miss me?" and he said "Yeah... hard to admit as I don't ever admit that ha"
No doubt if I showed him some genuine interest, he'd run the opposite way, but it just goes to show how attachment is so relative, that if you act dismissive, you could trigger some anxiety in someone who doesn't normally experience that.
This hasn't really happened to me before, so I wanted to share it, since it's made me really aware of how fluid attachment styles can be depending on how we portray ourselves and how desperate we seem to want to "capture" somebody
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Post by epicgum on Dec 4, 2018 16:55:45 GMT
I'm not sure about this fluidity thing. He might just have more anxiety or FA than you thought.
For attachment to be "situational" really would undercut the usefulness of the concept for me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 17:02:54 GMT
I'm not sure about this fluidity thing. He might just have more anxiety or FA than you thought. For attachment to be "situational" really would undercut the usefulness of the concept for me. I definitely believe in the fluidity of attachment - I've seen it in clients when they talk about their romantic relationships I experience it in myself also, some relationships I'm incredibly AP, some I'm more secure, some I'm so FA that it's terrifying... I would say as an FA, I'm probably the most likely to fluctuate in relation to whatever attachment style the other person has though, so that could be also why I view it in that way I think of attachment as a sliding scale, where we all have a base state on that scale, but we're relational creatures who react in relation to other people (check out the theory of intersubjectivity - really interesting stuff) - I see relationship as absolutely relative, hence why you can earn secure attachment by in relationship with secure people Relationship pairings can either be co-regulating of your nervous systems or dysregulating of your nervous systems |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2018 17:05:15 GMT
I've read though that in stressful situations or in the wake of big life events (happy or sad), we tend to revert to our original style in that time frame
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 4, 2018 18:20:20 GMT
My avoidant had me practically full AP and I’ve never experienced that ever and Im in my 40s! Lol. I was a ball of anxiousness and had a light anxiety. I don’t have anxiety, I know it’s in all of us but I just don’t get anxiety like that.
i was even getting compulsions to protest, I just knew better so I didn’t.
So are attachment surely is person/situation depenant. Any of us can be triggerd.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 4, 2018 19:07:03 GMT
Hm, more information is needed before you can tell if you're "triggering" him to be anxious. Most DAs are honest and direct if you ask a direct question and they aren't feeling emotionally threatened and shut down at the time. You're not threatening him because you're at a distance and he likes you, so he's making small overtures while he feels safe with the distance. He hadn't decided to write you off and then is changing his mind/coming back. You put down some boundaries and he still has some continued interest. I don't think attachment style is that fluid short-term ( epicgum), but there is human nature about how we respond to certain inputs. If there's attraction without feeling a threat (real or imagined), the person who feels attraction will put off some amount of pull vibes. In my opinion, the fluidity is going to be more about how well-established a person's boundaries are. FA will be most likely to have different reactions to different styles and situations because their boundaries tend to be weak and their triggers in both avoidant or anxious directions so numerous. A secure person who focuses on their own boundaries instead of finding an insecure person perplexing and engaging and getting drawn into the dysfunction is going to be less likely to be "fluid" and thrown into a state of feeling AP or DA. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 6, 2018 0:51:58 GMT
bloom Well he didn't say he doesn't normally miss anyone, just that he doesn't usually admit it... epicgum We are wired certain ways, but it sure can manifest very differently from one person to another. I am also not sure the whole avoidant-anxiety dichotomy represents opposites as much as we seem to talk like they do. I think we may even all be capable of any of the attachment styles, but consciously and subconsciously focus our attentions on people who cause us to replicate certain patterns while ignoring the others.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 6, 2018 2:16:52 GMT
To add, when I took my tests it revealed I have a small amount of avoidant/anxious. I had to do some serious looking back and reflection to see the avoidance, I was like what? Avoidant? LOL. Im so the opposite!
I would say its more avoidant behaviors come out not Im in a full on avoidant mode.
I realized it came out with my ex in our last year. We are both secures but by year 4 we were in a down spiral. His drinking and other things... It came out after me trying and trying and trying to fix things so I just gave up, I knew it was over. I disconnected and projected avoidant behaviors for sure. By year 5, we ended.
At the end he was being avoidant too looking back, we both checked out in that last year. So I guess you could say there was a 'shift in attachment' because of circumstances.
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Post by epicgum on Dec 6, 2018 18:53:32 GMT
bloom Well he didn't say he doesn't normally miss anyone, just that he doesn't usually admit it... epicgum We are wired certain ways, but it sure can manifest very differently from one person to another. I am also not sure the whole avoidant-anxiety dichotomy represents opposites as much as we seem to talk like they do. I think we may even all be capable of any of the attachment styles, but consciously and subconsciously focus our attentions on people who cause us to replicate certain patterns while ignoring the others. Sometimes I am suspicious that a lot of this can just be described by one axis that reads "emotional availability" and anxiety and avoidance are differing responses to avoiding intimacy. |
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Post by boomerang on Dec 6, 2018 23:47:53 GMT
bloom Well he didn't say he doesn't normally miss anyone, just that he doesn't usually admit it... epicgum We are wired certain ways, but it sure can manifest very differently from one person to another. I am also not sure the whole avoidant-anxiety dichotomy represents opposites as much as we seem to talk like they do. I think we may even all be capable of any of the attachment styles, but consciously and subconsciously focus our attentions on people who cause us to replicate certain patterns while ignoring the others. Sometimes I am suspicious that a lot of this can just be described by one axis that reads "emotional availability" and anxiety and avoidance are differing responses to avoiding intimacy.This is something I don't quite get, though people reference that here. I see how distancing is avoiding intimacy/engulfment, but it is harder for me to wrap my head around how the AP style is also a means to avoid intimacy and signals emotionally unavailability. I (AP) feel mutual intimacy is what I seek, and when I receive consistency and intimacy, I am happy and feel secure and safe to really love the other person. Can you explain a bit? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 6, 2018 23:58:19 GMT
Sometimes I am suspicious that a lot of this can just be described by one axis that reads "emotional availability" and anxiety and avoidance are differing responses to avoiding intimacy.This is something I don't quite get, though people reference that here. I see how distancing is avoiding intimacy/engulfment, but it is harder for me to wrap my head around how the AP style is also a means to avoid intimacy and signals emotionally unavailability. I (AP) feel mutual intimacy is what I seek, and when I receive consistency and intimacy, I am happy and feel secure and safe to really love the other person. Can you explain a bit? Great point! I was also thinking of this. the issue i think is when APs get triggered (or even when they are not), they're constantly obsessing. this anxiety keeps them away from a place of being able to connect with the partner because they're in their own head, making stories about stuff. and so when the partner finally does say something or responds, the AP isn't in a place to catch it, so there's constant missing of each other's emotional bids. this is my own experience. Have a look at this video: www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzki8U2nfwg |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2018 7:22:31 GMT
boomerang, AP unavailability can refer to a number of issues. Two that are top of mind for me are, feeling bored by an emotionally available person (not feeling sparks because you don't have to work hard for love and acceptance, which is the opposite of the narrative APs tell themselves, not being able to accept or trust that type of love) and never fully being real with your partner because you want to be perceived as perfect and don't communicate your needs. You can be in a relationship that never gets down to a level of real intimacy because one or both partners are too scared to fully reveal themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2018 8:41:20 GMT
boomerang, AP unavailability can refer to a number of issues. Two that are top of mind for me are, feeling bored by an emotionally available person (not feeling sparks because you don't have to work hard for love and acceptance, which is the opposite of the narrative APs tell themselves, not being able to accept or trust that type of love) and never fully being real with your partner because you want to be perceived as perfect and don't communicate your needs. You can be in a relationship that never gets down to a level of real intimacy because one or both partners are too scared to fully reveal themselves. So what is real intimacy and how do you know you have it? How does it feel? |
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Post by epicgum on Dec 7, 2018 14:15:16 GMT
Sometimes I am suspicious that a lot of this can just be described by one axis that reads "emotional availability" and anxiety and avoidance are differing responses to avoiding intimacy.This is something I don't quite get, though people reference that here. I see how distancing is avoiding intimacy/engulfment, but it is harder for me to wrap my head around how the AP style is also a means to avoid intimacy and signals emotionally unavailability. I (AP) feel mutual intimacy is what I seek, and when I receive consistency and intimacy, I am happy and feel secure and safe to really love the other person. Can you explain a bit? Partially it is subconscious, in that APs pick unavailable partners, so by picking an unavailable partner they can be certain that they will never have to have intimacy, partly by constantly trying to control everything and be perfect and needless, like alexandra wrote. |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 7, 2018 20:08:52 GMT
boomerang, AP unavailability can refer to a number of issues. Two that are top of mind for me are, feeling bored by an emotionally available person (not feeling sparks because you don't have to work hard for love and acceptance, which is the opposite of the narrative APs tell themselves, not being able to accept or trust that type of love) and never fully being real with your partner because you want to be perceived as perfect and don't communicate your needs. You can be in a relationship that never gets down to a level of real intimacy because one or both partners are too scared to fully reveal themselves. So what is real intimacy and how do you know you have it? How does it feel? In the context I'm talking about it here, it's having true stability in the relationship. That having a disagreement or revealing yourself in a not-perfect light or having needs and needing help isn't enough to turn off and drive away your partner. No perception, either real or imagined, of walking on eggshells just being who you are. Honesty and trust being strong when life isn't going as well as it could be and being able to rely on your partner to be there and vice-versa, because you don't need each other to complete you. You're both already complete and choosing to support each other when necessary instead of mostly focusing on your own needs and insecurities (ie everything isn't easy and perfect, this person must not be the one). I'm not saying everything has to be unconditional. If showing yourself in a bad light means you're being abusive, no one should put up with that. But in insecurely attached situations, it usually means what should be small issues get blown up because of insecurities, fears, and miscommunication or lack of communication unrelated to the partner and relationship -- problems arising from the individual's issues being projected onto the relationship. When that happens, it blocks real intimacy because there's not enough comfort with vulnerability and authenticity. |
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