Trying to date for the first time as earned secure

I was reading through this and wanted to add to the positivity.

I have been seeing someone for awhile and I'm floored by him. I was bored at first, for quite awhile. He is completely confident and secure, and he didn't do anything exciting or try to impress me. As months went by, I found out incredibly interesting things about him, and I can't tell you how many times I said "why didn't you tell me that???" and he said "I don't know. I just didn't think of it." I think Alexandra makes a great point about being curious about a person. This is all very different from the guys I had dated previously who bragged about all of the things they did in an effort to win me over (love bomb etc). And most of the time, when it came down to it, they weren't that impressive. There's nothing wrong per se with trying to impress someone, but I think insecure people push this instead of being secure just in who they are and that this will slowly come out as you get to know the other person.

About four months in, I decided to take a bit of a longer trip and I thought he may not want to see me if I was gone for an extended time. I didn't care. But he wanted to continue. I'm so glad he did because over time, he has impressed me so much. But it took time. What I knew at the beginning of the relationship was that he had good character, was smart, and was responsible, and our values aligned. There was not any kind of major chemistry or sparks and that did take some time. I am completely calm around him. He's communicative. And any time I tell him vulnerable things, he is supportive. On top of that, any time I feel I am missing something between us (like maybe he could hit a love language thing), he listens, thinks through his actions, and he tries to adjust for me. He doesn't get defensive. Our communication is clear and open and I really trust him. We do have a lot of fun together, but it doesn't come from that place where I feel like I have to constantly work really hard to be at the top of my game to impress him.

Anything I'm insecure about and have revealed to him doesn't seem to mean much to him. And then he randomly will tell me things he likes about me that I don't think much of. It's funny how we're all so preoccupied with certain insecurities that many people don't even see.

From what I have seen with this guy and looking back at all of the others, if you date someone who excites you, but you question their stability or character, you need to walk. I would always say I would wait it out to confirm, all the while I was getting attached and was drawn into the attraction, which was backed by nothing substantive. Deep down I knew this.

Also, I have had two FAs who I dated reach out and apologize. One seemed to have made some progress, but I think the other one was needing validation as it was an empty second apology. I remember how I felt, but wow, if I was "stuck" with him, I would've lost out on what I have now, and I just can't imagine. It's not even a close choice. I say stuck because I always felt like a slave to my attachment. And I don't feel that way now.

alexandra that's so sweet of you! I hadn't seen alice's comment and I found it very helpful. What a lovely story.

I almost posted an update today because things are going very well. I've been enjoying spending time with my boyfriend and I feel relaxed when I'm around him. It's only when I'm alone that I start getting hypervigilant and I come up with all these possible red flags that likely aren't actually there.

I spent the past few days feeling anxious because our communication is awkward over text (hard to read tone and emotion, etc. and he rarely responds right away) and it leaves a lot of room for me to project all sorts of negative things into our interactions. When I brought it up, it turned out he had been feeling the same way about texting, so we decided to just talk on the phone more. I think that will solve the issue. I'm realizing how much my nervous system has been conditioned to be hypervigilant and how it's going to take a while to trust myself and to trust him. My feelings for him are slowly growing, which is nice

I'm really jealous you guys are able to think this way.

It's been a while since I updated this thread, but things have stayed on the right track and I'm getting married! As I'd commented earlier to shiningstar, the discussion was for 2022 and we've stuck to that -- because I've definitely learned that while the details of the proposal itself can stay a surprise, nothing else important about the relationship progression should be surprising, left undiscussed, be unpredictable, or be confusing!

I'm very glad I've got a partner whose words, actions, and feelings are all aligned, after a lifetime of dating people with whom that was not the case. I'm also very glad I was at last ready for it and ready to recognize it when I met a compatible partner. They were few and far between when I was AP, in no small part due to my feeling doubt in the form of inexplicable boredom I couldn't verbalize or even attribute whenever a mature prospective guy came my way. There was no way I was ready for that kind of commitment (until I was), even though I didn't know it at the time at all and thought I was fully emotionally available and relationship-oriented the whole time!

Keep going through your healing process, and even when you're frustrated, know that being on this forum is in itself a helpful step in identifying and verbalizing issues. And remember that "accomplishing" the long-term relationship milestones isn't the prize here, though it's nice icing on the cake... this isn't, 'I'm engaged so that means I finally did it!' I think healing your multi-generational trauma so that you can feel comfortable with yourself and the others you choose to have around you, increasing your satisfaction in the life you build for yourself even when there's adversity around you that's out of your control, that's the core of what healing and earning secure helps accomplish. Whether you end up with a partner or not, whether you even want one! I did want to get married so I'm grateful that it's better late than never, but I wasn't ready until the cliche moment of getting to the point of, you can want a romantic relationship but you shouldn't need one. Once you're okay with either being in one or not but being equally okay either way, I've found that it's a good sign you're in a healthy place to be a good partner to someone else and sustain it.

Hopefully that doesn't sound preachy, because I'm just trying to share things I learned that work for me. My experience isn't the only way to get somewhere, but I'm pretty damn happy that all the difficult and painful work eventually got me to the changes I sought to make! People get there in their own time, but it is possible to heal and change if it's a priority in your life to do so. There will be times when you feel frustrated or deterred or you're not seeing progress at the speed you want and that's okay, but try to stick with it and keep believing there really are different perspectives and ways of being!

Thank you!

The good news is, dating throughout the pandemic has made our lives constantly about problem-solving and negotiating risk, so after all that practice, I feel like we're pretty well-suited to confronting issues as they come up. Also, getting married after you've dated as many people as I have -- I don't need to look around further if we're having disagreements. I know what else is out there, and I'm firmly over any the grass is greener days lol. A benefit of getting married later, I guess!

Haha yep, I feel that- at my age I don't feel like I'm settling at all, but seriously I know enough to know that the grass isn't greener! Congratulations.