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Post by alexandra on Feb 5, 2019 20:12:19 GMT
I'm trying more seriously to meet new guys than I have at any point since earning secure, and I'm looking for a relationship eventually (while emotionally feeling no rush for one, want to take time getting to know people). Mostly it's been one or two dates with people I didn't end up being very interested in. Those guys seemed all over the place, which is now a turn-off for me. I recently have met two guys I like enough to get to know better, and they're also both interested in continuing to see me. It's been interesting to notice and correct my leftover AP behaviors if I'm at all invested in someone romantically. This isn't a question, but I wanted to share an example of how my attachment "recovery" looks in dating practice, in case anyone else is interested. Because some aspects are still slower going and not automatic/natural. I have to pause and think about them, then correct. One of the guys asked me to join him last minute for an activity I didn't want to do. There were very reasonable reasons that I strongly preferred not to do it due to my lacking appropriate gear. However, my knee-jerk initial response was open-ended and vague, not saying no directly but also providing a counter-offer similar idea (one that addressed the reason I still hadn't actually shared with him). I did want to see him that day, but he turned out to be set on the activity I didn't feel prepared to do. I realized I was being passive and not directly expressing my needs because I was afraid he'd make assumptions about me if I said no to his early-on date idea, and he'd lose interest because I wasn't being agreeably "perfect." This was also in part due to projecting a similar dating situation involving similar activity ideas from a few years ago onto him. (The guy from a few years ago has some type of insecure attachment and obsessively controls his environment as a result, so it's his way or the highway.) So I then responded by telling him exactly what the issue with the activity was for me, and said I felt a little silly about being unprepared but am interested in doing similar stuff that requires less gear another time. He said that was no problem and rescheduled a set plan to do something else entirely on another day. I really don't know him yet, but know if he's secure it really isn't a problem and if he's insecure, it probably secretly actually is a problem -- so time will tell! The whole thing should have been very minor and not a big deal worth a second thought, but it forced me to say to myself whoa, I don't need to be ashamed of my needs anymore, it truly is better to find out upfront if we're incompatible! And then course-correct and communicate directly. Still getting the hang of internalizing security in practice instead of just in theory with dating  |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 5, 2019 21:29:21 GMT
Great job at being self-aware and redirecting yourself! With positive experiences and repeated practice the new responses should feel more natural. Keep us posted on the dates! 🙂
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2019 2:32:54 GMT
oh oh! Can I also share?
I’ve started seeing some new people as well in the past month. Since my breakup I’ve set a clear intention that I only want to keep people who are clear honest and direct in their communication and intent in my active vibration (means I give them some of my energy); the rest are dead to me. Since that intention, I’ve met several who are or appear to be honest.
There is one who seemed slightly avoidant (no texts, no emotional connecting yet) but is capable of clear honest communication. On our second date, he initiated a conversation about where we stand and what our concerns are, and we came to an agreement that we are keen but have concerns about long term compatibility because of lifestyle differences. So we will continue to see each other and see where this is going. Whilst I’m very keen on him (god he’s so cute) I’m always wary about dating him because he has such a clear lifestyle that I’m afraid of being engulfed by it and what I want is someone who will co-create life with me as a shared decision-making. I was rather happy that we had this convo and that I was honest about how I feel (I’m keen but we have obvious differences). I could have done more but I wasn’t prepared for the convo to be able to detail my thoughts well. Nonetheless, I didn’t hide what I think/feel just to create more opportunity for a relationship to develop.
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 9, 2019 14:58:46 GMT
In time it will get easier. You will get to a place where you just say it and not fear any reaction.
If a guy were to get weird over just saying Im not prepared for that can we do X instead, hes not meant to be in my life. Also if he were to make such assumptions so early on, hes not meant to be in my life either. So I have no fear of speaking of my needs/whats on my mind. I hope for the guy Im dating to speak his too.
As you know I have spoke my mind/my feelings to my avoidant even if it made him run away. No fear, I got me no matter what even if I lose the person.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 9, 2019 20:45:25 GMT
If a guy were to get weird over just saying Im not prepared for that can we do X instead, hes not meant to be in my life. Also if he were to make such assumptions so early on, hes not meant to be in my life either. So I have no fear of speaking of my needs/whats on my mind. I hope for the guy Im dating to speak his too. Yeah, this was what I was concerned about, since I've dealt with it before and it turned out to be because the person was projecting his attachment style. We went out again on the rescheduled date, and there was more to why he wanted to only do that specific activity on that day on his side of things, which came up organically. I completely understand why it would have been oversharing for him to go into detail about it over text when it's still so early on. Had nothing at all to do with me, and he made no assumptions about me. He's definitely socially awkward but seems like a nice person so far, so we'll see. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 10, 2019 14:00:20 GMT
No fear, I got me no matter what even if I lose the person. The quote of the year. That’s secure. |
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 11, 2019 0:26:19 GMT
No fear, I got me no matter what even if I lose the person. The quote of the year. That’s secure. Yes, to say- I got me. All the security I need lies within. Liberating |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 12, 2019 14:38:19 GMT
No fear is liberating. Its not like I dont have 'fear', having some fear is just human, it just doesn't control my life/choices. I face the fears and I know I will always come out on the other side even if it sucks for a bit.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 12, 2019 21:58:30 GMT
No fear is liberating. Its not like I dont have 'fear', having some fear is just human, it just doesn't control my life/choices. I face the fears and I know I will always come out on the other side even if it sucks for a bit. Right, and I think that confidence is based on having the security within that enables one to make choices that are not fear-based. The opposite, the insecurity, is what causes us to fear, doubt etc |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 19, 2019 18:46:55 GMT
Things did not continue to move forward with either guy (the more secure one was also multiple dating and moved along faster with someone else when we had some legitimate scheduling issues but was very nice and upfront about it, the one I wrote more about in this thread ended up changing his mind about me after leading things in a different direction, giving me whiplash and rubbing me the wrong way).
However, what I have noticed is different about me dating now is I'm no longer projecting anything idealized into the empty spaces where I don't yet know the person. I just want to get to know them over time. When I was AP, I'd fill in any knowledge gaps about someone with idealization, which caused all the sparks and lust. Then I'd get attached too quickly and hurt when they'd show me who they really are (not because they fell off the pedestal, but because I'd always selected insecure avoidant styles who would inevitably start distancing after the honeymoon period, and I'd believe I did something wrong).
I don't think the majority of guys I'm meeting share my current approach, because aren't we conditioned by Hollywood and society to be chasing sparks?, but I've talked before about how I trust my picker for the first time in my adult dating life. I think this lack of idealization and anxiety that accompanied my sparks is why. And it's a direct result of all the work I did to learn how to trust and accept myself, and the resulting increase in positive view of self.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 19, 2019 21:22:41 GMT
Things did not continue to move forward with either guy (the more secure one was also multiple dating and moved along faster with someone else when we had some legitimate scheduling issues but was very nice and upfront about it, the one I wrote more about in this thread ended up changing his mind about me after leading things in a different direction, giving me whiplash and rubbing me the wrong way). However, what I have noticed is different about me dating now is I'm no longer projecting anything idealized into the empty spaces where I don't yet know the person. I just want to get to know them over time. When I was AP, I'd fill in any knowledge gaps about someone with idealization, which caused all the sparks and lust. Then I'd get attached too quickly and hurt when they'd show me who they really are (not because they fell off the pedestal, but because I'd always selected insecure avoidant styles who would inevitably start distancing after the honeymoon period, and I'd believe I did something wrong). I don't think the majority of guys I'm meeting share my current approach, because aren't we conditioned by Hollywood and society to be chasing sparks?, but I've talked before about how I trust my picker for the first time in my adult dating life. I think this lack of idealization and anxiety that accompanied my sparks is why. And it's a direct result of all the work I did to learn how to trust and accept myself, and the resulting increase in positive view of self. Better to find out early on who isn’t a right fit than to get invested and hurt later. Slow and steady will be my new dating mantra. Very slow! |
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Post by lilyg on Feb 20, 2019 8:59:50 GMT
Things did not continue to move forward with either guy (the more secure one was also multiple dating and moved along faster with someone else when we had some legitimate scheduling issues but was very nice and upfront about it, the one I wrote more about in this thread ended up changing his mind about me after leading things in a different direction, giving me whiplash and rubbing me the wrong way). However, what I have noticed is different about me dating now is I'm no longer projecting anything idealized into the empty spaces where I don't yet know the person. I just want to get to know them over time. When I was AP, I'd fill in any knowledge gaps about someone with idealization, which caused all the sparks and lust. Then I'd get attached too quickly and hurt when they'd show me who they really are (not because they fell off the pedestal, but because I'd always selected insecure avoidant styles who would inevitably start distancing after the honeymoon period, and I'd believe I did something wrong). I don't think the majority of guys I'm meeting share my current approach, because aren't we conditioned by Hollywood and society to be chasing sparks?, but I've talked before about how I trust my picker for the first time in my adult dating life. I think this lack of idealization and anxiety that accompanied my sparks is why. And it's a direct result of all the work I did to learn how to trust and accept myself, and the resulting increase in positive view of self. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Alexandra. It's a bummer when you really want to be out there and enjoy. I think the same, most people just want those sparks (I can see that with my single friends, and I was guilty of the same), but i'm sure you'll find a guy who understands what's really important. And with your new confidence, I'm sure that guy will be amazed. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 25, 2019 19:05:25 GMT
Thanks for the comments. I haven't been too upset about the ones that haven't worked out recently (a little bit in the day or so after). Mostly just frustrated by the time investment and awkwardness inherent to internet dating -- I really don't enjoy it! But it's such a relief to not spend days after stuck in the negative AP thought patterns afterwards, such as, of course it didn't work out because I'm not enough. There's very little attachment injury layering if any on my end now, though I still get a little bit of anxiety or feeling down if aspects of the situation remind me of my multiple breakups with my FA ex. There's some leftover pain there I'm still trying to work out while moving on.
I'd say my biggest challenge right now is being a bit hypervigilant for "yellow flags." I am not projecting anymore, but could still be a little more optimistic in meeting new people. However, I think this mostly has to do with negative associations I have with my online dating experiences, and I'm experiencing that less if I've met new people organically in person and not online.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2019 23:45:25 GMT
i think i'm there with you. there're times i feel abit defeated and resigned to being alone, especially after a string of fails. there're those who say they're big on open honest communication but they go silent after the date, so I'm also quite cynical about dating thus far.
I did realize though that my AP/DA thoughts aren't really triggered when it comes to people I am not really attracted to. The attachment triggers happen when it's with someone I'm feeling a vibe with but the relationship unfolds slightly awkwardly with alot of things unspoken.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 26, 2019 0:10:26 GMT
i think i'm there with you. there're times i feel abit defeated and resigned to being alone, especially after a string of fails. there're those who say they're big on open honest communication but they go silent after the date, so I'm also quite cynical about dating thus far. I did realize though that my AP/DA thoughts aren't really triggered when it comes to people I am not really attracted to. The attachment triggers happen when it's with someone I'm feeling a vibe with but the relationship unfolds slightly awkwardly with alot of things unspoken. Well actually, the frustration isn't quite that. When I was AP, yes, it was totally "resignation" to being alone, and I felt hopeless about not having a partner. Now, it's not resignation at all, I'm okay being alone or not and also don't feel like I'll be alone forever anyway (though maybe it will still take a long while, who knows). My issue has to do with age concerns around still having an opportunity to start a family, so coupled with the internet dating grind not being fun for me it is just kind of draining after a string of not connecting well with anyone I'm meeting that way. When someone is being authentic and we're having a good conversation, I'm very extroverted and feel energized. But when it seems forced (and especially when the person is projecting on me), that's not fun. I am tempted to challenge you a bit on not being triggered if you're not attracted. What does that mean for you? Is the attraction your nervous system getting overwhelmed? Can you get to know someone if you're not feeling attracted? I did meet someone very recently IRL who I am very physically attracted to and have a date with, but I don't know him at all yet and I don't feel triggered by it. But it's a very strange feeling because I do feel now that the physical attraction is totally separate from any feelings about compatibility! When I was AP, those were very intertwined (as I said earlier in the thread, I believe because it would lead to me projecting!). |
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