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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2019 5:18:19 GMT
Tonight I had dinner with a good friend, and she revealed that last Sunday, B was sitting next to a girl and there was obvious chemistry between them. I burst into tears....knowing full well this day was coming...but hoping against reality that something would change to bring him back. It is such a deep hurt...one that contains so many messages of my failure and her success....where he is the prize and I lost him. It is difficult to swim back against the current of those voices...to realize that it did not start with B but goes way further back...to when my dad won custody of me but did not want me...it may go further then that...I have no recollection of any of this...just left over feelings and skewed thoughts. I don’t know where to go with this...I don’t want to sit with it, I don’t want to accept it...I want to fight back, change reality...change me to be whatever he wanted. I don’t want to accept that he was never truly mine...that his break up was forever. That feels way too painful right now. So I sit in a puddle of tears while image upon image of the two of them so happy and so perfect play over and over in an endless loop.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 16, 2019 8:24:52 GMT
Hi tnr9, I'm sorry you're hurting today :/ Did you happen to resume therapy in your absence from the board? I think it's great awareness that you can tie this back to custody issues with your dad. That sounds so spot on! I feel like someone with expert tools at their disposal may be able to help coach you to the next step... you understand what's going on and are properly attributing it. So how can you start to heal the old wound, which will in turn help you cope with the situation with B? And if you just want to vent without problem-solving, that's okay too, just let me know to lay off the brainstorming  |
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Post by lilyg on Feb 16, 2019 10:22:06 GMT
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this today! Somedays are hard in this process.
As said, it's good for you to realise where it comes from. It's probably a shock at first but I'm sure with time you can find the tools inside you (or get professional help for someone to help you navigate through this) that'll help you sit with those feelings and release them. I know it's hard, I had identified my wounds time before I actually felt I was ready to confront them in an honest way. It seems overhelming.
Something that helped me was to look at pictures of my family, when I was a child. I was so disconnected from that part of my life. What moved me the most was not my parents, but seeing myself in the photos and realising I owed that little girl that secureness she deserved, and that as an adult now, I can. It was cathartic. Maybe it is a bit silly but I'm sure you'll find a way to offer that little girl you were a secure home to feel safe. A big hug to you 💐
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2019 12:56:23 GMT
There's a useful thread in the general section about life traps, you can take a test to see what themes have a tremendous impact on your life. "Traps". Here of course you have abandonment. A suggestion would be to analyze and deal with the actual trap you are in instead of obsessing about the people who represent it. Emotionally, you are having a mechanical failure that has a fix but it is up to you to find it. For now, you've laid down in the middle of the road to let this run over you over and over again and it will hurt until you move.
I'm sorry you're hurting, and remind you that it is because of your abandonment issue and not because this dude is your dad. He's just some guy that you latched onto, you're in a trap, there is a way out. It sounds like you have been there a long time, maybe you aren't ready to get out even yet and that's up to you, you have a right to handle it however you want to.
If you already know all that and are just grieving, then grieve as long as it takes. In that case perhaps it is ok to just obsess and let it totally tear you apart until you can't cry any more. Either way, it might help to actually decide and accept one route or another so you aren't fighting it. What I mean is, if you want to cry and feel all the pain until you become sick of it, then just do that. If you are at a point where you want to feel empowered and better eventually through real recovery, then turn your attention to the actual problem (your own trap) and practice using discipline to keep your focus there.
There are free recovery groups in many cities across the globe for things like love addiction, etc. That's one way you could actively participate in a solution with people in real life, instead of in the problem online if that doesn't really help you.
Good luck, whatever your next steps are.
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Post by sissyk on Feb 16, 2019 14:06:50 GMT
Hi tnr9--I'm so sorry you are suffering. This is painful stuff and I am sending you supportive vibes. It may be good for you to just feel sad for a while and lean into that as much as you can. You need to feel the feelings for them to eventually work through. But in the immediate aftermath, give yourself a time frame of wallowing: permission to eat a pint of ice cream for breakfast and binge some terrible Netflix or buy yourself something amazing (maybe not more candles ) I would add there is the situation--you and B may be at the end of any long term romantic possibilities--and there is the story you are telling yourself about it. Your pain may be related to childhood wounds, yes, but is there really factual evidence that you "failed"? Or that she has "succeeded"? That seems very uncharitable as an interpretation to this outside observer. Maybe you and B were not meant for the long haul, but often these breaks are not personal but are a result of bad timing or two people wanting different things. You didn't fail--you gave 110 percent. And sure, chemistry girl and B might look fizzy to an outsider, but who knows if he will push her away too or is doing so now in unseen ways or what is going on inside either of them. Visualizing them as happy and perfect is not evidenced based--you have on one second hand report. Therapy will untangle the origins of your feelings perhaps, but don't feel you have to get to the bottom of this tangle all by yourself right away urgently. I do agree--do whatever you can to go no contact and not keep up with him through intermediaries or social media. It feeds the craving and prevents you from healing. Finally we tend to idealize those that we can't have. A therapist I talked to recommended this: Make a balanced list. Good things about B in one column. Bad things in the second column. Keep the bad things list on your phone and look at it when you are temped to text him or look for him on social media...… Plus post here lots. Hugs! |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 16, 2019 14:18:46 GMT
Thank you all so much....I am still crying and having thoughts....but what makes it better is to own it and be ok with it. Before, I felt as if there was something wrong with me for the feelings I felt...but I am beginning to own my feelings and sit with them as friends and not enemies and that does change things. I don’t think more therapy will help...I was in therapy for over 20 years and I think I took that route as far as I could go. I have both people pleasing and defiant/defensive attributes...which makes therapy challenging as suggestions feel like obligations. I am just really young in this space and I have few tools....and I think the difference for me now is that I know this about myself, but I am not going to let shame win the day. I am a bit “different”...I am hugely emotional....so suggestions that work with a person who is more functional/logical...does not work in me. My friend last night told me I need to move on and start dating others...but that is simply transferring the obsession to someone else. I have this nice thought that if only I had I waited....things would have worked out. The reality is, once the lever in my brain switched, and I was all about him....there was no ability for patience or waiting. It was “game on”...and I was fixated. Before we dated....I would act the same...cry a lot, pair him up with other girls...I would get paranoid and possessive...but only in my own head...outwardly I would try to be carefree and go with the flow. Honestly I am grateful for the medication I am on because it does bring a bit of observation into the whole matter. I don’t know next steps...to be honest...I have never tried to navigate the waters of friendship with a guy I used to date before...in that fact...I am proud of myself...because I have been owning that the issues are mine and not trying to blame him...but also...not beating myself up for what are my true feelings.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 16, 2019 18:50:00 GMT
Tonight I had dinner with a good friend, and she revealed that last Sunday, B was sitting next to a girl and there was obvious chemistry between them. I burst into tears....knowing full well this day was coming...but hoping against reality that something would change to bring him back. It is such a deep hurt...one that contains so many messages of my failure and her success....where he is the prize and I lost him. It is difficult to swim back against the current of those voices...to realize that it did not start with B but goes way further back...to when my dad won custody of me but did not want me...it may go further then that...I have no recollection of any of this...just left over feelings and skewed thoughts. I don’t know where to go with this...I don’t want to sit with it, I don’t want to accept it...I want to fight back, change reality...change me to be whatever he wanted. I don’t want to accept that he was never truly mine...that his break up was forever. That feels way too painful right now. So I sit in a puddle of tears while image upon image of the two of them so happy and so perfect play over and over in an endless loop.
Hello tnr9 - a heartfelt sorry for your suffering - it's been a long and painful journey I know and it must be exhausting and demoralising.
Twenty years in therapy is a long time - and I think you are more expert than most in all the inner child and past wounding work.
One thing I do ponder is that if at times, some therapy serves to uncover the story - and then attach the client to that story, failing to enable the final step of letting go to occur. In some ways as has been discussed on faithopelove s recent thread, both therapy and attachment theory can result in a kind of skirting around the real issues by attaching to a story and therefore avoiding the deeper work.
From my background, that deep work involves learning - and it is very very much a practice that needs doing rather than just knowing rationally, to somatically experience trauma - or any emotion, in order to allow it to do its thing. The story that goes along with it about not being good enough or whatever else, is just mental formations - it may be very real - but it's not true if you see what I mean and sometimes the little girls story can become an attachment of its own and that's not helpful as it anchors you in that story.
This is very much too much for an online forum and may not be your thing - but learning the art of seeing the stories for what they are and then experiencing the emotion fully and not making up yet more stories, is really freeing. These may help - and as I have mentioned in the past I think that acceptance and commitment therapy would be immensely useful for you - it is very different from most therapy and helps to give a long term guide to living well in spite of your past, your present and the stories you believe about yourself - they are all allowed to just be and given space, but new tools are learnt in order to live with these difficulties, to live a values driven life which is rich, full and meaningful without pushing away any emotions.
Anyway here's the link to the new online program which I couldn't recommend highly enough - it's very structured and proven to be effective.
thehappinesstrap.com/
And this may help if you have a spare hour or so over the weekend:
www.tarabrach.com/spiritual-reparenting-2/
One thing to add - its amazing how much knowledge we can amass in terms of self help and therapy - but what counts is the tiny steps of practice, which build up over time to gradually illuminate the path forward.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 16, 2019 18:53:27 GMT
To add - life is inevitably painful - but the stories we tell ourselves and the loops we get caught in - or the avoidance, addictions etc are the cause of real suffering as we gouge deep within original woundings rather than allowing the damage to heal.
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 16, 2019 19:25:30 GMT
(metaphoric hugs and good wishes to you). I hope things feel easier soon and that you get to do something self-nurturing. You are awesome.
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Post by faithopelove on Feb 16, 2019 19:54:10 GMT
Thank you all so much....I am still crying and having thoughts....but what makes it better is to own it and be ok with it. Before, I felt as if there was something wrong with me for the feelings I felt...but I am beginning to own my feelings and sit with them as friends and not enemies and that does change things. I don’t think more therapy will help...I was in therapy for over 20 years and I think I took that route as far as I could go. I have both people pleasing and defiant/defensive attributes...which makes therapy challenging as suggestions feel like obligations. I am just really young in this space and I have few tools....and I think the difference for me now is that I know this about myself, but I am not going to let shame win the day. I am a bit “different”...I am hugely emotional....so suggestions that work with a person who is more functional/logical...does not work in me. My friend last night told me I need to move on and start dating others...but that is simply transferring the obsession to someone else. I have this nice thought that if only I had I waited....things would have worked out. The reality is, once the lever in my brain switched, and I was all about him....there was no ability for patience or waiting. It was “game on”...and I was fixated. Before we dated....I would act the same...cry a lot, pair him up with other girls...I would get paranoid and possessive...but only in my own head...outwardly I would try to be carefree and go with the flow. Honestly I am grateful for the medication I am on because it does bring a bit of observation into the whole matter. I don’t know next steps...to be honest...I have never tried to navigate the waters of friendship with a guy I used to date before...in that fact...I am proud of myself...because I have been owning that the issues are mine and not trying to blame him...but also...not beating myself up for what are my true feelings. I’m so sorry for all the pain you’re experiencing 😞 My heart hurts for you. Twenty years in therapy is a long time and you are very self-aware tying in abandonment issues and your dad’s custody to B. Perhaps since you are self-aware and lived through this- you could try dating in a more healthy way? You know the pitfalls of making a man your world- so build safeguards. Limit the time you see anyone new to once a week or so- don’t overtext and keep your regular routine and life in place. Don’t overextend, no pedestal for any guy. I think if you expanded your world and experimented with dating others in a very self-aware way, it could begin a new chapter for you. I think you can do it. To protect yourself, I would try to go cold turkey with B. No painful reminders through social media or talking to friends about him. I would ask my friends in advance not to bring him up as he still has an affect on you. Your friends should understand this and want to protect you. Remember too that those fantasies and loops in your head are just that. This girl and B may be fighting today and done tomorrow- you just don’t know. You do know this pain is too great to continue the same path and ruminations. It’s not fair or helpful to you. Try a new path. Last, in the past I believe you told me you are also a Christian. It helps me to mediate on scripture. Remind yourself that no matter what happened with your dad or will happen with any man that God will never leave you or forsake you. He is your source and strength. Trust that everything will work out in the future. Turn your anxiety over to a higher source and find your rest. Praying you feel better soon tnr9 and your heart feels hopeful. You are not alone. We’re here ❤️ |
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Post by 8675309 on Feb 17, 2019 12:30:08 GMT
Sorry for your pain.
Chemistry doesn't equal love or they will be together. You also were not there so your friend could have read into something not even there. People do it all the time making assumptions and reading into things...
Personally as your friend I would have not mentioned this to you knowing how you feel about him. I would ask friends not to bring him up in that way or tell me those things.
Also remember he didnt do the work, if they go there she will go through the same things you did because he is not healed. She will not have him any more than you did, it will just be the same cycle with another. No gal will till he does the work. If anything feel bad for her, she doesnt know what shes getting into... haha.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 13:25:10 GMT
Sorry for your pain. Chemistry doesn't equal love or they will be together. You also were not there so your friend could have read into something not even there. People do it all the time making assumptions and reading into things... Personally as your friend I would have not mentioned this to you knowing how you feel about him. I would ask friends not to bring him up in that way or tell me those things. Also remember he didnt do the work, if they go there she will go through the same things you did because he is not healed. She will not have him any more than you did, it will just be the same cycle with another. No gal will till he does the work. If anything feel bad for her, she doesnt know what shes getting into... haha. This. I'd be wary if your friend knew your situation and she still told you those things.
What's hurting you is not him meeting with a girl, it's a story you tell yourself, what it all means. Your relationship didn't work out not because you weren't enough, because you weren't perfect and some other girl is. It didn't work out because it had no chance to work out. I used to have similar thoughts, but the truth is, no matter what... he's unavailable. It won't change because some other girl will cure him. She won't have him, as much as I didn't have him, especially if she's perfect. A perfect girl would be secure. No secure girl will be attracted to unavailability or will have a will to tolerate it. A perfect girl won't stay long enough to develop anything meaningful with him. If he will change and then find someone else to share his happiness with... it won't have anything to do with me or the other girl. Maybe it was him who wasn't enough to give you what you needed. If you need to tell yourself stories about him, try this. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2019 14:49:52 GMT
I really thank all of you for sticking by me through this....it has been such a long and incredibly bumpy road and I am incredibly grateful that you have all continued to support me through this. You are correct...I don’t know...I have never known...but OMGoodness does it all feel so real. The stories in my head....as hurtful as they are...paint a scenario where he is available, where he is pursuing her as much as she is responding to him. Perhaps it would be best to put it here...my thoughts....because as it stands...I think I need some honest feedback on them...
My thoughts with any girl go as follows:
He has changed...he gave up smoking, he has alcohol fasts, he is in school to better himself, he is in community, he is volunteering, he is in a bible study, he is making friends...
Because of the above...he is ready for a relationship and is actively pursuing after one (with me, he revealed he was lonely and just wanted a cuddle buddy...Aja...I could have been any girl...he says that is not true...that after a period of time he grew to love me...but I admit the cuddle buddy comment is what sticks because in my mind, growing to love someone means you don’t break up with them...you stick it out...so it doesn’t feel like he truly did love me)
Every single girl I pair him up with is more attractive, less emotional/more even keel, a better Christian, able to pace herself in the relationship with him, able to better handle his ADD moments. As such, he attends the community with her (he did not go when we were dating...he worked every other Sunday and had other things to do the other sundays...which in hindsight looks like he did not want to spend time in the community with me)
I go in circles on these thoughts...they become so very vivid).
Basically I see him with another girl the way I wish he had been with me...more decisive, more responsive, more committed..So I feel I lost out...that I was the one who was not enough for him and that hurts.
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Post by mistakes on Feb 17, 2019 15:02:20 GMT
Tnr9, don’t know what to say that could help, but I would read through your pain. I do imagine too that, the person is nicer to others, or there are others that is more “”evolved” than I could ever be... but as I’ve known you from this site, you are doing great on accepting yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2019 15:15:29 GMT
If you know you are unhealthy, and were unable to be a good partner for him, then sure that is painful but we all experience relationship failures in insecure attachment. Accepting that we aren't in a place to be a healthy partner is the first step in growth and change. As we grow, our relationships change and we change, if we are actively working with proven methods. Sometimes the change is just about being able to say No to what doesn't support us.
I would say that AT has been around long enough to suggest methods of change and improved emotional security if someone is willing to adopt them. There are also many, many approaches to problems such as this that net positive results and improved capacity for healthy relating. None of them are effective for someone who defies them, of course.
His life changes and phases are due to his own process. He clearly has done a lot of work in himself to be living a life that appears to be fulfilling and rewarding His time with you was a certain part of his phase, and personal choices he made at that time were about his choices, not about you. He has moved on to another chapter, another phase. This requires acceptance. If you want the same fulfillment and progress for yourself you'd need to overcome some of your defiance and issues that cause roadblocks for you and do the work. You stated that suggestions feel like obligations to you. My impression is then that you feel a resistance to adopting them? Maybe he is where he is at simply because he is open and willing for growth and change. Is there some part of you that recognizes your attitude is an obstacle to your own progress? Perhaps you see that and are fine with it, I am unclear.
I am not impacted by your process or how you choose to proceed, but I'm curious about why you post- is it just to vent feelings? I am more logically inclined when it comes to problem solving, so I don't understand your approach, but I'm getting a general education on attachment styles from first hand sources while I'm here. Literature is only so helpful, hearing personal experience is much more illuminating. Is the resistance to change an AP thing? Or is it other things in your makeup that you are struggling with? Don't answer if the questions cross a line, and my apologies if they do.
EDIT: I ask the questions about resistance to change, because literature suggests avoidant are resistance to change. However, I am seeing patterns of AP participants here stuck in holding patterns for significant periods of time, who dedicate significant time to the pondering and discussion of what their partner/ ex is doing with their life (rather than what they are doing with theirs, at least as shared here.) Perhaps resistance to change is universal in all insecure attachment types.
Also, clarifying that I am asking "Why do you post?" not to make you unwelcome but to understand your motivation, and whether or not you are seeking suggestions or input other than validation for your current state.
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