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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 6, 2019 18:32:22 GMT
So I'm wondering has anything like this happened to anyone else.
I've been going no contact with my ex since new years day, he was very hurtful over Xmas. Been doing well, dating a new guy who was so different to my ex. We have since decided to be friends.
So out of the blue my ex turns up last week with 2 suitcases looking to move in for few nights. I said no as I had the feeling if he got in with the suitcases he would never leave. I have a feeling he was bunked up with someone else and mustn't have worked out hence turning up at my door. I have been feeling a bit guilty since turning him away but I know I made correct decision as he can be abusive when drinking too much.
I suppose this has brought up all my anxieties this week and I feel tired and worn out. He was definately FA and also unsure of his sexuality, being with girls and guys. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but any to help would be welcome. Did I do the right thing....why is it affecting me a week later.....it's really brought me down.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 6, 2019 19:16:11 GMT
glenjo99, you definitely did the right thing. It's hard, especially with AP tendencies, not to second guess something like that. Maybe this time, if I just said yes, could it have been better/different, did I just lose our chance! The answer is no. This guy has nothing to offer you besides instability, enough conditions you to highs and lows and getting locked into cycles. Someone who wants to try again in earnest doesn't just show up, no warning, asking for something really imposing like that. They put in effort, act mature, talk it out, care as much about what's best for you as for themselves. They've done a lot of hard work on their own. Otherwise, you simply restart the same cycle and repeat. You held your boundaries and did the right thing. You're trying to look into your stuff (which sounds like it might include some patterns that lend themselves to codependency? which is pretty typical for an unaware AP, so hopefully no offense taken), and having an unstable insecurely attached partner around will make it really difficult for you to do your own healing. You don't need to second-guess yourself here. I'm sure you care about him. But he's not ready to give you anything healthy. You made the best decision for yourself!
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 6, 2019 19:22:49 GMT
glenjo99, you definitely did the right thing. It's hard, especially with AP tendencies, not to second guess something like that. Maybe this time, if I just said yes, could it have been better/different, did I just lose our chance! The answer is no. This guy has nothing to offer you besides instability, enough conditions you to highs and lows and getting locked into cycles. Someone who wants to try again in earnest doesn't just show up, no warning, asking for something really imposing like that. They put in effort, act mature, talk it out, care as much about what's best for you as for themselves. They've done a lot of hard work on their own. Otherwise, you simply restart the same cycle and repeat. You held your boundaries and did the right thing. You're trying to look into your stuff (which sounds like it might include some patterns that lend themselves to codependency? which is pretty typical for an unaware AP, so hopefully no offense taken), and having an unstable insecurely attached partner around will make it really difficult for you to do your own healing. You don't need to second-guess yourself here. I'm sure you care about him. But he's not ready to give you anything healthy. You made the best decision for yourself! Thanks a day no offense taken as definitely recognise my codependent tendencies which really got me into trouble with this guy before. There was lots of love bombing, gaslighting and other behaviours from him and I was left reeling as I had no idea I was codependent or that he was an alcoholic/FA. I second guess myself all the time which is probably AP. I do need to continue my own healing which I'm finding hard this week. My self care is gone out the window, over eating, grumpy and being hard on myself. Need to get back on track with this. I have no doubt he will look after himself and be fine, I just wish he hadn't called as I was doing great not seeing him.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2019 0:02:58 GMT
glenjo99 think of it as it's good feedback for yourself - since you're still greatly affected by him showing up, it just means that there's more to dig up and that's what you're doing since you have started this path of healing. is that not the point? you want to be sure that you've fully processed it all since this is a healing journey, and so these are just little feedback sessions to tell you where you're at. it's all good, and there's no need to second guess yourself and wish otherwise. keep it up!
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Post by epicgum on Mar 7, 2019 3:15:53 GMT
So I'm wondering has anything like this happened to anyone else. I've been going no contact with my ex since new years day, he was very hurtful over Xmas. Been doing well, dating a new guy who was so different to my ex. We have since decided to be friends. So out of the blue my ex turns up last week with 2 suitcases looking to move in for few nights. I said no as I had the feeling if he got in with the suitcases he would never leave. I have a feeling he was bunked up with someone else and mustn't have worked out hence turning up at my door. I have been feeling a bit guilty since turning him away but I know I made correct decision as he can be abusive when drinking too much. I suppose this has brought up all my anxieties this week and I feel tired and worn out. He was definately FA and also unsure of his sexuality, being with girls and guys. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but any to help would be welcome. Did I do the right thing....why is it affecting me a week later.....it's really brought me down. It's ok just to vent too. It is always helpful for me to share stuff, either with friends or on this forum or in a journal.
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 7, 2019 3:30:30 GMT
So I'm wondering has anything like this happened to anyone else. I've been going no contact with my ex since new years day, he was very hurtful over Xmas. Been doing well, dating a new guy who was so different to my ex. We have since decided to be friends. So out of the blue my ex turns up last week with 2 suitcases looking to move in for few nights. I said no as I had the feeling if he got in with the suitcases he would never leave. I have a feeling he was bunked up with someone else and mustn't have worked out hence turning up at my door. I have been feeling a bit guilty since turning him away but I know I made correct decision as he can be abusive when drinking too much. I suppose this has brought up all my anxieties this week and I feel tired and worn out. He was definately FA and also unsure of his sexuality, being with girls and guys. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but any to help would be welcome. Did I do the right thing....why is it affecting me a week later.....it's really brought me down. It's ok just to vent too. It is always helpful for me to share stuff, either with friends or on this forum or in a journal. glenjo99 Yes, I think you did the right thing and props to you for standing strong. If he was ready to work on things he wouldn’t show up like he did without a conversation and some insight- seems very unstable and impulsive and would make me wonder where he’s been. Vent away! epicgum I’m feeling the need to vent too...feeling the sting of no contact. I question whether I should’ve said something before I just dropped off into no contact- if the way I did that will make my ex distrust me more and feel abandoned and resentful. Maybe I’m projecting my fears onto him because he probably wants space or is numb and will barely notice no contact, but I was feeling some rising panic tonight.
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Post by happyidiot on Mar 7, 2019 4:26:39 GMT
We have since decided to be friends. You and your ex you were in no contact with? Or you and the guy you dated after him?
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 7, 2019 10:35:29 GMT
We have since decided to be friends. You and your ex you were in no contact with? Or you and the guy you dated after him? Me and the guy I dated after my ex, we decided to be just friends. I started dating him shortly after I went NC with my ex so it may have been a good way of taking my mind off ex too. I could not be friends with my ex as he has too much going on problem wise, and would trigger me all the time. Just one night if him showing up unexpectedly has thrown me off kilter all week and then he disappears into thin air. He gave me his number but will no be texting him. There must be some trauma bonding, attachment wounds going on.
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 7, 2019 10:37:49 GMT
glenjo99 think of it as it's good feedback for yourself - since you're still greatly affected by him showing up, it just means that there's more to dig up and that's what you're doing since you have started this path of healing. is that not the point? you want to be sure that you've fully processed it all since this is a healing journey, and so these are just little feedback sessions to tell you where you're at. it's all good, and there's no need to second guess yourself and wish otherwise. keep it up! Your right you know, this is all part of the healing process! It did show me how string I was to turn him away, as if it was a year earlier, I would have caved no doubt! I suppose it's his crappy I've been feeling all week after that's annoyed me. I think I'm annoyed he re engaged and broke my No contact that I had initiated.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 1:15:56 GMT
yea, but if he hadn't re-engaged you, you wouldn't know that you had the strength to turn him away. it's really not a bad thing. it's like little tests that you use to see how far you've come along. so be more compassionate with yourself - right now, it's not possible to expect yourself to know what is the best and strongest thing to do that you'll feel great about yourself, and so it's a slow process. You can't get to point z from point a immediately. it goes from a, b, c, ..., z. and with what you have, you can only move one step, and YOU DID IT. all good.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2019 13:43:57 GMT
So I'm wondering has anything like this happened to anyone else. I've been going no contact with my ex since new years day, he was very hurtful over Xmas. Been doing well, dating a new guy who was so different to my ex. We have since decided to be friends. So out of the blue my ex turns up last week with 2 suitcases looking to move in for few nights. I said no as I had the feeling if he got in with the suitcases he would never leave. I have a feeling he was bunked up with someone else and mustn't have worked out hence turning up at my door. I have been feeling a bit guilty since turning him away but I know I made correct decision as he can be abusive when drinking too much. I suppose this has brought up all my anxieties this week and I feel tired and worn out. He was definately FA and also unsure of his sexuality, being with girls and guys. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but any to help would be welcome. Did I do the right thing....why is it affecting me a week later.....it's really brought me down. Well, there is some good material for shadow work in that. Isn't it interesting that another person's gross sense of entitlement can provoke guilt? I'd take a look at why you are conditioned to feel guilty over having good boundaries, so that you can make the most of this opportunity for deep recovery work. This isn't really about him, it's about your conditioning. You've overcome a behavioral aspect of it by not letting him in. The next layer is the thinking and feeling aspect. Good job btw, that would have just been icky and loathesome to endure.
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 9, 2019 12:04:38 GMT
Im the geek that believes in the universe, the universe sends us those to make us face what we need and will keep sending them until we do face it. The universe tested you, good for you on not letting him in.
Its hitting you because you care about others, you are human. We are human not an attachment. I know we care for others but his crap is not your problem, its his, feel no guilt as you did the right thing for You.
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 9, 2019 21:17:20 GMT
Im the geek that believes in the universe, the universe sends us those to make us face what we need and will keep sending them until we do face it. The universe tested you, good for you on not letting him in. Its hitting you because you care about others, you are human. We are human not an attachment. I know we care for others but his crap is not your problem, its his, feel no guilt as you did the right thing for You. It did feel like a test and if it wasn't for the work I've been doing on myself over the last while I could have caved. Your right, we are human not just an attachment style.
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Post by glenjo99 on Mar 9, 2019 21:19:44 GMT
So I'm wondering has anything like this happened to anyone else. I've been going no contact with my ex since new years day, he was very hurtful over Xmas. Been doing well, dating a new guy who was so different to my ex. We have since decided to be friends. So out of the blue my ex turns up last week with 2 suitcases looking to move in for few nights. I said no as I had the feeling if he got in with the suitcases he would never leave. I have a feeling he was bunked up with someone else and mustn't have worked out hence turning up at my door. I have been feeling a bit guilty since turning him away but I know I made correct decision as he can be abusive when drinking too much. I suppose this has brought up all my anxieties this week and I feel tired and worn out. He was definately FA and also unsure of his sexuality, being with girls and guys. I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for but any to help would be welcome. Did I do the right thing....why is it affecting me a week later.....it's really brought me down. Well, there is some good material for shadow work in that. Isn't it interesting that another person's gross sense of entitlement can provoke guilt? I'd take a look at why you are conditioned to feel guilty over having good boundaries, so that you can make the most of this opportunity for deep recovery work. This isn't really about him, it's about your conditioning. You've overcome a behavioral aspect of it by not letting him in. The next layer is the thinking and feeling aspect. Good job btw, that would have just been icky and loathesome to endure. Thanks I will have a look at that conditioning aspect, and the thinking/feeling part. I get it intellectually that I did the right thing, it's the other bits that I need to understand. It would have been horrible to endure. Also what is shadow work?
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Post by mrob on Mar 11, 2019 3:38:24 GMT
See, I don't think it's necessarily a "gross sense of entitlement" to turn up. If you're in a position where the choices are sleeping rough, or take the chance of being turned away, I know what I'd do. He left when asked. He took a chance and it failed. He walked away.
Also, the line that's been cropping up recently is "You're a human, not an attachment." My whole life is viewed through my lens of attachment. So, that's where I need to start every day, otherwise I can unintentionally project my "attachment" as "humanity" when it is clearly not the case.
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