mamut
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Post by mamut on May 27, 2019 7:03:06 GMT
He asked how I was doing through a mutual friend. Fortunately, my friend is awesome, so didn't give anything away. He said he wants to ask me but since I've told him not to contact me, he can't. Friend said he shouldn't.
It feels good. I am not doing NC to get a reaction out of him, or to get him back or anything, but knowing he's asking about me and wants to reach out, I think makes me feel like the whole thing wasn't just in my head.
Fortunately no strong thoughts of reconciliation popped into my head. I haven't read into his action more than I should, meaning, he probably did care about me and definitely misses my company (how couldn't he? I'm great!), but that's it. I'm starting to see him for what he really is, and I don't want him in my life, maybe not even as a friend. However, I still have feelings for him, so it's not that easy yet. I miss hanging out with him, it was really fun, but he lost my trust and I don't know if I can trust him as a friend either.
They say that people are different when it comes to how they handle relationships vs how they handle friendships, I was always a firm believer that they are not. You can't be an a*hole in a relationship and be a fantastic friend. You're still the same person.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 27, 2019 21:43:07 GMT
I don't know how being in a secure relationship is, but I know I am worth a lot more than a push and pull "relationship".
I'm coming to realize how horrible my ex treated me. The worst for me was that he ended it really early on and then came back, knowing he didn't want a relationship, also knowing that I did, only to break it off again a month later. And on top of that, I let him. I probably never will find out why he did that, and honestly, I don't think I need or want to.
What I have figured out,is why I let him and why I let all my exes stay into my life more than they should have. Thanks to therapy and the attachment theory, it all makes sense now.
I never thought I was worthy of anything more, PLUS I never knew what "anything more" looked like. I still don't, but now I know what I don't want and hopefully I'll be able to leave once I spot them and once I don't get my needs met in any future relationship.
To my ex: I don't trust you. I'm sorry you feel like you can't connect with anyone, but if you feel like that, get therapy and stop trying to connect with other people until you figure it out. You're not the only one with a trail of failed relationships and issues. You're not the only one with a bruised heart. I don't think we'll ever be friends again. You ruined it, if you never came back the second time, friendship would've been an option, now, I'm not sure. You'd be lucky to earn my friendship after all this, extremely lucky.
I can't shrugg off the anger apparently, but tbh, I don't really want to. I find it very helpful and empowering.
Ending with a lyric of a "song" that has always helped me in various situations throughout my life: "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours."
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Post by lilyg on May 28, 2019 7:16:08 GMT
mamut, I used to do the same with my exes for some time. Now that I think about it, when I used to be secure I cut contact with them inmediately after a breakup, but since my mom died (I think it was the beginning of me becoming insecurely attached) I've tried to keep them as friends (meaning they stayed longer in my life than they should) with not very good results. Since my last breakup I've stop doing that and it has helped me greatly to move on. It's great that you're getting there  it's a great step. You seem to know what you don't want and it's great. Anger is pretty normal at the first stages. I felt anger when it happened to me too. Just a small comment and I hope you're feeling better today
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 8:12:18 GMT
lilyg thank you for your comment! This might be a "journal" but I am very much open to comments. Sometimes I don't want to post a whole new thread for something minor, others, I don't want to hi-jack other threads, so I just post here and comments are very much welcomed! I completely understand how you couldn't go NC after your mother's passing, which I'm so sorry of. I lost my father at a younger age and fell into depression, you need people near you, even if it's bad for you, you just can't see it at that moment. It was also a huge point in my insecure attachment style too. I wish I broke up with mine. When I say I kept them more than I should, I mean I literally kept being in unfulfilling relationships longer than I really wanted to. It's getting better, but still. I don't hate him, but yes, I'm angry. Angry at him, who's also asking to be Best Friends (his words) after the way he treated me and angry at me for letting him come back the first time without actually talking about it thoroughly to understand his motives. Angry that I did it AGAIN. But it's a constructive anger. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm sure that, very soon, I'll just wake up one morning without thinking of him. I'm following your story and I hope everything turns out for the best! You are very aware and taking good care of yourself!
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Post by lilyg on May 28, 2019 9:45:35 GMT
lilyg thank you for your comment! This might be a "journal" but I am very much open to comments. Sometimes I don't want to post a whole new thread for something minor, others, I don't want to hi-jack other threads, so I just post here and comments are very much welcomed! I completely understand how you couldn't go NC after your mother's passing, which I'm so sorry of. I lost my father at a younger age and fell into depression, you need people near you, even if it's bad for you, you just can't see it at that moment. It was also a huge point in my insecure attachment style. I wish I broke up with mine. When I say I kept them more than I should, I mean I literally kept being in unfulfilling relationships longer than I really wanted to. It's getting better, but still. I don't hate him, but yes, I'm angry. Angry at him, who's also asking to be Best Friends (his words) after the way he treated me and angry at me for letting him come back the first time without actually talking about it thoroughly to understand his motives. Angry that I did it AGAIN. But it's a constructive anger. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm sure that, very soon, I'll just wake up one morning without thinking of him. I'm following your story and I hope everything turns out for the best! You are very aware and taking good care of yourself!
I feel you! I've always dealt with losses by myself and I wasn't realizing how bad I needed some therapy. I understand anger. I've felt anger sometimes on breakups, but I've seen other guys feel angry towards me when I decided I didn't want to be with them. I really think that, unless there was abuse or cheating or something beyond comprehensive, that feeling goes away when you less expect it. If you are true to yourself and are willing to be vurnerable but valueble you'll find that sweet spot for good love, I'm sure! Thank you! I feel very aware and it's still plenty of work haha. I'm with a less aware partner (but he's much more aware than other people, if you have seen some of my posts) and the bumps are there, as you can see. What I did yesterday before focusing on my drawings was to write a bit about my narrative right now. I did it on a redemptive way. I focused on what do I need now, on how I believe in myself, and where life is taking me. |
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 10:41:12 GMT
lilyg I do know your story. I think I've been through most of the stories here, especially in the beginning, seeking to find a happy ending. Now I just go back to them if I want to reply to someone so I can have a better grip on their reality. Yours is the only one I've found to be a hopeful one. I was sad to hear it's taking a bad turn lately. He is much more aware, that's evident in all of your posts. I hope you both do what's best for each individual AND your relationship. A friend of mine who's in a secure relationship, told me the other day that, contrary to popular belief, the first thing you need to look out for in a relationship is your own happiness. About the anger, I understand what you say. I really don't hate him, and I'm not angry because he decided to end it, that is his choice and I respect that. I do know that it will go away once it's ran it's course, I'm just taking advantage if it, instead of trying to oppress it, like I usually did, because I was taught that anger is a very bad feeling to have, ever. When I thought that way, I was completely AP, still putting his needs first. "What will HE think of me if I'm angry? How would HE feel?". Not anymore. My feelings are worthy of my time, I don't care how he'd feel about my anger, I deserve to feel however I like. We can't control other people's actions, but we are allowed to have a reaction to them. Anyone that doesn't get that, isn't suitable for me. Funny note: You know how most people have a partner they label "the one that got away?", I want to be "the one that ran away" lol
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Post by lilyg on May 28, 2019 11:41:22 GMT
mamut I am still hopeful but frankly I'm preparing for the 'worst'. If I want to be with my boyfriend for the long run I have to take care of me first and then help him. Him blowing off lately was taking a toll on me so I decided to be very honest with him and I'm glad he was with me. I do hope he reflects on his actions too, if he wants to continue with me he has to try and meet me in the middle. I'm not gonna be the scape-goat, but I'm willing to adress the things I do wrong on therapy. I don't know if it's enough for him. It's a very sad place to be in but I'm happy we both can be vulnerable with each other, even if we decide a relationship with each other is not what we want anymore. He has always told me he is very unlucky in this and I guess he's this sad because he tought it could be different with me. Love is sometimes hard for me too! And I still think he can be the person I'm willing to change and commit to, but I understand the struggle and fears we are facing now and that he has to want is as much as me. Anger is a powerful fuel in the beggining, and i'm glad you're deciding to shift the focus on you. Self-worth is more powerful and stays longer with you It's ok to run away from people who are not good for us! But don't beat yourself up if you feel you stayed longer than you should. These things are never perfect for anybody!
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 13:20:13 GMT
lilyg I am so happy that you are capable of being vulnerable with each other, I think that's the key indeed! It can be confusing though, if I understand correctly, avoidants want love, but when you actually give it to them, they feel smothered? Possibly because the way we perceive love is different? Because as I'm reading, even if you give them space, some feel like you're leaving. Extremely confusing for me! I'm hoping you guys will make it! I've never been open and vulnerable in a relationship, I need to work on that. Right now I don't feel that angry tbh. It seems as if it's going away and there's just a small piece left, to finally let him go completely. I'm even thinking of what to do when I meet him again. If we didn't have common friends I probably wouldn't want to see him again, or just maybe one time to get the awkwardness out of the picture. But, I know that I am going to see him eventually, so I think I'll text him at some point, to meet up for a bit to get over that awkwardness. I am still gonna give me more time. I haven't been back on track with my life yet. Once I do that, I know I'm healed. I'm still neglecting myself on basic things. I tend to focus on the BU a lot right after it and go through the emotions all at once. I try not to pressure myself into doing things I'm not ready for yet, I give myself time. Of course I'm lucky enough to have a job that allows me to do that. Anyways, I think it'll be a couple more weeks, actually less, but no rush.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 13:33:31 GMT
One last thing that I need to work on more before we meet, is the high possibility of him already moving on. Especially if it's with people I already suspected he had his eye on a bit before he ended it again.
The thought doesn't cause me anxiety now, but it'll be completely different if he confirms it in person and even worse, if I see him with somebody.
The WORST case is if I see him with somebody and he's not being distant with her in public. THAT still gives me anxiety, because I'll feel like he WAS just using me. I doubt he would be affectionate, but I have to wrap my mind around the fact that he might. This is a good use of all the story making thoughts, if they are that. I don't know, are they? Do secures prepare themselves this way?
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Post by lilyg on May 28, 2019 14:43:08 GMT
It is confusing. Yes you cannot give them that much space because they feel like then it's just not a relationship at all. At least that's what my boyfriend thinks. When he's upset I often tell him if he needs more days for him between our meetings and he says that's not the point. That's why sometimes I feel confused too! Haha. But I could deal with it without a problem if we communicated better. When I do not understand it (because some days he wishes, for example, to spend the day together and sleep together, some days don't and some others he changes his mind) he feels really violated and blows things up and then I get overly emotional because I feel like I have to apologise and repair and I get anxious. I think this is our main problem, rather than me feeling terrible because he wants a day to himself. For him this last thing is the problem, and I'm the one that acts irrational. So this is the trap between us.
Take care of yourself! I'm a big fan of fake it till you make it. Do small stuff to help you: I often dress nicely, eat better and take long walks/run or draw when I'm feeling down. What makes you feel strong and calm?
Let me tell you what I think about him moving on: nobody moves on that fast. Not even if he's dating again. Trust me. It takes time to get over a connection. I'm not telling you he will come back or that that's good for you, it's just how humans work. He could have been using you, he could just have had cold feet. I'm sure ha has not rationalised this and is just acting on insinct, as we all do most of the time (more if we're getting to know another person). Do not let that define your worth.
I guess secures prepare too! Break ups are messy and hard for everyone! A secure does not walk away without hurt and doubts so don't feel bad about feeling like that!
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 15:10:44 GMT
lilyg oh I feel ya! Even if my experience with him was short lived. for our second round, I let him lead. I followed his pace. His texting, his PDA, everything! The last ten days he ASKED for me to stay with him for 5 days in a row, and then, boom, he ended it. I'm like whaaaaaa?! I honestly didn't pressure him on anything. Mind you, I know that even if I never voiced my thoughts of confirmation, they probably showed, but still, I don't think I pressured him enough to end it at least. The personal items I brought with me to spend the night, I took back home with me, every morning. He obviously was having his doubts and didn't voice them, same with needs. That's why I think he maybe just wasn't into me, but I doubt that too. It's like you can't satisfy them one way or another. I admit that I didn't handle my part well by not speaking up, and I understand that what I see as normal, he might see it as smothering, and that's why I'm just marking it down as a problem in communication. I would be perfectly fine if he told me what he needed, if he told me "now I need space" or something. But living in doubt of why he distanced himself was torture. Of course I should've opened up sooner. Anyways, I'm repeating myself now. Maybe your partner feels bad for changing his mind? Like if he invites you over and then doesn't want you there, he thinks it's unfair to tell you to leave, while at the same time, thinking that he isn't worthy of you because he's giving you less, therefore explodes? Heck, I almost exploded trying to express what I just wrote 😂 Not that it'd be fair to invite you over and then tell you to leave. Ugh. You telling me that he might have not really moved on, didn't even give me a spark of hope of reconciliation, and that's great news for me! To the point. When I say moved on, I include just dating. That's why I said it's highly possible. There's two ways of him dealing with it, although this is probably me projecting my black n white thinking on him Either he is sad about how he treated me (not that he wants me back) and is sad he is realizing he might have lost me for good, or he just started dating and "partying" because he doesn't want to deal with it. Could be both tbh. If he's the man I thought he was, he definitely is regretting the way he treated me, either he's dating or not. But yeah, even just dating would bug me, because what we had wasn't really a relationship, so I'd be comparing. I still believe that we did and probably still do, share a connection and I'm saying it with a much clearer mind than I had after the break up. When I say comparing, for some odd reason, I don't feel that I'm not worthy, I'd just be comparing HIS actions towards her. If he'd be more affectionate with her, that would mean that he was using me. Maybe there is a bit self worth tied into that after all. Hm. Thank you for your perspective, very thoughtful and helpful! I'm trying harder today to "fake it", I think my procrastination is mixed up in it too 😂😂 ARGH!
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Post by lilyg on May 28, 2019 16:31:35 GMT
I guess it could be, mamut. I am a bit sad about him spending time by himself when we firstly agreed to see each other, but what really saddends me and puts me in an edge is not that space needed, but the way he gets angry at me for days. That's were my dissatisfaction comes from. I suffer when he snaps and ignores me for days. He focuses on feeling smothered when this happens. It's just so sad... to see what's going on and having such a difficult time with it. I don't really know what else to do but focus on my life and try to contact him on his birthday as I don't want him to be alone. We are still together, after all. I really thank him that he's thinking about it and not fleeing and leaving me. It's important for both. I don't know what's going on with your ex, I could be the two of them. The way he handles the breakup should not be your focus Try to think about that when you are wondering what is he doing. I like this forum because we always try to focus on ourselves, the only thing we can control is within us. |
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 18:24:10 GMT
lilyg oh damn. Yeah that hurts, him being mad at you. I really hope he finds a way to manage that! I know he can! He'll figure it out! Oh, yes I'm not focusing on what he's doing to be honest, those were the conclusions I came to. Not that he doesn't cross my mind at all. But thanks for the tip! I actually manage to do something for me today, I've been neglecting lately! Win!! 😄😄
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 28, 2019 18:46:19 GMT
And yes, that's what I like too on here, we push each other to focus on ourselves! Best support ever!
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Post by lilyg on May 29, 2019 7:15:53 GMT
lilyg oh damn. Yeah that hurts, him being mad at you. I really hope he finds a way to manage that! I know he can! He'll figure it out! Oh, yes I'm not focusing on what he's doing to be honest, those were the conclusions I came to. Not that he doesn't cross my mind at all. But thanks for the tip! I actually manage to do something for me today, I've been neglecting lately! Win!! 😄😄 i hope you're feeling better today |
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it's a great step.