My journey to secure

@sherry thank you! You and this forum has helped A LOT. I haven't won the war yet, but I have won a Battle and I'm celebrating! I have another update as to my journey; will be posting in a bit!

@sherry I'm so happy for you too!!! Yay!

I'm in such a period myself and it's simply amazing! Im not in a extremely happy mood, but it's like something is boiling up and I know the result is going to be great!

Today I had a break through with my therapist about my mother. I finally admitted to myself and most of all, I said it out loud "my mother has abused me and still is trying to". It was so cathartic.

I know I don't have it as bad as other people, and when I say abuse, I mean mentally, but it doesn't make it less important to me. She never approved my choices in life and never supported me. As a result, I never did what I truly wanted when I was a teenager. I literally gave up on my dreams and it has also affected my health, giving me trigger points all over my body. Those turned into chronic pain, because, once again, my mother neglected my pain, but that's another story.

I have two mechanisms working in the background. One is that I internalized all of my mother's "don'ts", so I turned into my worse enemy too and blocked me from doing what I truly wanted. Even when I started following my dream/calling, I constantly gave myself a hard time filled with obstacles. I'm still doing it of course.

The second mechanism, I figured out today. I SOOOO didn't want to end up like my mother, so I refused doing anything that made her happy. We are completely opposites. I can't stress how different we are when it comes to views, life goals etc. Black and White actually compliment each other, we're not even that. So everytime I made her proud, I was obviously doing something she approved, which means it went against my beliefs. This got so deep though, that even if I dressed well and she gave me a compliment, it would make me mad.

If I cooked, and she would compliment me, I'd be mad. If I did, literally ANYTHING that would make her happy, even if had nothing to do with beliefs, but plain human decency, I'd be mad. I don't think I need to paint a clearer picture on what my life looks like based on what I just admitted.

I don't take care of myself like I'd want to, so I won't make my mother proud and happy for me. It's sad, but omg I can't describe how justified it was/is. Of course, I'm sabotaging my own life and my mother isn't even around to see it. I'm that five year old, rebelling to an invisible dictator.

That's it. This is what I realised today and it's like I took, not one step closer to my goal, but an elevator to the next level.

Thanks for reading! All comments welcomed, especially if you can relate! I have found healing moments and triggers in other people's posts, hope this helps someone even a little bit! Hugs!