My journey to secure

I'm gonna act like I'll never see him again. Thinking about the fact that I will, is holding me back. Gonna treat it like I won't. The thought of is already feels better.

stuckinamoment our stories are very similar indeed.

I completely agree with you and your therapist. Of course we have the right to those places and once we feel better we'll be back!

Our place is a bar that "everyone knows your name". I do see my friends, but not as much as before. He is usually always there and always sits with my friends if they are there too. There is an event I really want to go too this weekend, and that's another reason I'm in a rush. I think I'll sit with the thought for a couple of days and see how I feel. Thing is, if he does come, he'll sit at the same table, but as you said ,I can always leave if I don't feel good and of course I might be able to tell him to not sit with us too. Depends.

I don't know what his reaction will be, he seems to be interested in how I'm doing, but you never know.

I'm just gonna try to pretend I'm never gonna see him again because this is definitely holding me back.

We can do this!

stuckinamoment thank you for! understanding.

It would be much more easier if he wasn't the new one. This was the place that I hung out with mu friends, it was our place, he's the newcomer and I just can't.

I know it's temporarily, but I miss my routine.

I hope I can get pass this soon. I hope with both do.

I've been going back n forth on seeing him at this event, but I'm probably not going. I'm not ready yet. I'm still angry and jealous of anyone who he might be seeing.

I know that whatever happened between us was both our fault. I understand that he might've came back the first time because he's human, he might've just wanted to see where it could go too. He might've even met someone towards the end, or just realised that he still wanted to date other people and broke it off with me because he didn't want to hurt me. Yet at the same time he might've just came back because I was convenient. I might never find out, but since he's in my circle, maybe I will. Time will tell, but time right now seems endless.

I'm trying to forgive him, as that's the only way I can see the anger and jealousy go away. It's hard.

I don't want to be his friend. That's how I feel right now. I don't want to break no contact either. It gives me a sense of power and some sort of revenge feeling if that makes sense. He wanted out, but still wanted my friendship and me not giving him that, gives me a sense of self respect by not letting him have his cake and eat it too.

The interesting psychology behind this, is that I feel that all of these are bad feelings to have. I kind of feel guilty for having them and in the past I'd be pressuring myself to not have them and I'd be meeting him and forcing myself to be friends because "it's the right thing to do". Now I'm actually embracing these feelings. I know they are temporary and I also see that I might see them as bad because of lack of self love and from always putting my needs last.

I have the right to feel what I feel. I know that we both made mistakes, I'm owning mine, that doesn't strip me from that right. I can't erase what I'm feeling just because he wants it that way, or society and my upbringing taught me to. It's not like I want to harm him or anything. I just want to stop giving him what he wants for a change and any guy, for that matter and focus on what I want.

Aren't these normal feelings? I would love to hear anyone's point of view. Is it selfish to have them?

I think this is helpful thinking, actually. I also believe that relationships of all kinds should begin with a foundation of mutual respect, healthy trust and interdependency, and shared values. It doesn't mean we have to agree on everything but a true friendship involves understanding and caring for the other person, not just blindly serving one's own agenda.

The anger can show you where you have betrayed yourself, and where you can develop better boundaries and a realistic perspective of your interactions. This will in time enable you to cultivate both friendships and romantic relationships that honor the truth of who you (and the other person ) are rather than feeding illusions and fantasies.

An aside on the whole wanting different things: Insecure people are ambiguous, and ambivalent, period. Insecure people say one thing and do another. All insecure people. Here is a startling but real example. I was involved in a casual relationship at one time, with a man who clearly wanted only a casual relationship. I grew in myself to want more than casual, with him. And in general I felt I had the capacity for that. For quite some time he and I had this conversation that always ended the same: we wanted different things but were still hooking up. Ultimately, I came to a clear place of being ready to end the hookups and go my way. I felt ready and settled on that, peaceful. He really struggled with that. We had a great "connection" and were compatible in many ways, and the sec and comfort were really enjoyable. He asked me over for our usual, in spite of my clear communication that I was ready to stop and my assertions that I felt really good about my clarity and resolve. I agreed to come over "one last time" , as I didn't want to leave him hanging (?!?) and he was clearly unhappy. However, I added the caveat that I didn't want to continue on as we had. And I meant it! His response? He asked me why in the world would I keep agreeing to come over after asserting 1000 times it wasn't what I wanted? He wasn't a bad guy, he was just tired of experiencing MY conflictedness and behavior that didn't align with my words.

Really. It goes both ways whether that makes sense to us or not. It turns out, people who truly are ready and able to have a serious relationship don't behave casually with premature or casual sex without consistency and a real direction. He didn't believe my words because of my actions. I participated with him in something that worked for him and presumably for me also. It's all just insecure instability that takes time to resolve.

I realized with that exchange that it was my own flakiness that had me conflicted- I wanted one thing but behaved in another and just argued against it the whole time. I didn't blame him; I wasn't angry- I was conflicted within myself and unwilling to let go of what I was enjoying with him in order to make room for a new person and the unknown. It was a kind of fear and complacency. And it definitely sent mixed messages to him, I lacked integrity on my end also and casual guy nailed it, he called me out and did us both a favor. He wasn't trying to hurt me at all and was following the crooked path we forged TOGETHER.

Got me right of the fence for good, He was absolutely right to question me the way he did.

@sherry to add, right now, it seems as if he was indeed serving his own agenda. The timing of everything was just too coincidental. Once again, I can still be understanding if it's just his insecurity and he didn't really do it on purpose, but if he doesn't actually try to change, insecurities or not, it just makes him a bad person, or to better put it, not compatible with me.

Just like if I don't change my ways, I will always be pushed away and treated like a doormat. If I wasn't aware of my actions, I'd even be flailing about how mean men are and so on, always placing blame on others. Awareness is a huge first big step, but I need all the other steps too, or else it's just going to be used as an excuse for bad behavior.