toorational This can maybe help You to understand yourself and maybe your partner as Well.
Women are 4 "different women" each month . Look at the moon model.
If they have got traumas, stress or other things going on, their cycle can differ from the moon model. Also if she is on birth control pills.
Also men and Woman are getting turned on in different ways...ect.:
'While men can take about three to five minutes, on average, to achieve an orgasm, it can take women up to 13 minutes. "Foreplay for men is everything that happens about three minutes before sex," Dr. Brizendine says. "Whereas for females, it's everything that happens the 24 hours before sex. Because if she gets upset or angry about something, then she's not in the mood by the time sex is going to happen."
Just thinking about or visualizing sex sends blood rushing to a penis. But it Often takes much more to put women in the mood".
Also when we are in survival mode IT is more difficult to Get in the mood for sex and reproduction (and love). Survival mode is fight, flight, freeze.
jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1376/work-femininity-masculinityAlso remember That DAs are more Up in their head and do not have the same contact With their body and feelings as You do as a Guy with some ap style. Once commited they can want less sex.
From the healing avoidant thread:
The avoidant and sex - do you have numb sex?:
When sex Replaces Connection:
For Avoidantly Attached individuals, sex may have a heavy emphasis on the physical sensations rather than emotional connection. Since Avoidantly Attached individuals have difficulty expressing their needs, sex may become a way to artificially connect without fear of rejection.
Avoidant partners often withdraw if they feel too vulnerable and leave their partner feeling disconnected and dissatisfied. They may also forgo sex entirely, preferring the safety of pornography and masturbation.
(Diane Poole Heller)
A sextherapist/therapist says:
The problem arises when numb sex is the rule more than the exception.
People who find it difficult to combine sex and feelings are afraid to be vulnerable. They can not open emotionally because they find it difficult to trust others.
It seems that it´s typically men who have impersonal sex. In the sexual encounter, men generally focus more on movement and release, whereas women are often more absorbed by emotions. But there are of course also women who have sex without feelings.
Mechanical sex in the relationship is a bad sign.
Generally, mechanical sex is bad to a relationship, because it is the feelings that create cohesion. Therefore, I always ask for the emotional connection when I give couples sexological counseling.
Sex with presence and love is one of the best binders in the relationship, and if sex life is cold and mechanical, a wedge is shot between the parties, which in the long run, will ruin the relationship.
Most long-term relationships experience periods of too much everyday life and too little proximity, love and attraction. It also appears in sex life, where sex becomes a habit or something that has to be overcome quickly. But it may be the beginning of a negative spiral because mechanical sex creates even more distance.
When emotions, presence and play disappear, only mechanics are left.
4 Tips for sex with emotions:
If you find that the loving feelings have left the bedroom, there is cause for concern. Sex with feelings and love is one of the most important elements in a happy and stable relationship.
Here are some tips to get your feelings back in sex life:
Massage, foreplay and hug:
Hugging, massage and foreplay are great ways to practice combining emotions and body contact. Therefore, it is a good idea to give priority to loving touches and hug outside the bedroom.
Instead of thinking about touch as something that will lead to sex, think of touch as a way of giving love.
Eye contact:
The eyes are the mirror of the soul. Eye contact is one of the most important elements in deep emotional contact. If you think it's uncomfortable to see your partner in the eyes when you have sex, start cautiously with small periods of eye contact.
Recognize your desire:
Practice feeling your desire. What do you really want? Do you really want mechanically numb sex? Are you happy, or do you feel lonely and empty?
Do not do things, that you do not want. Do not be fooled with mediocre sex if it makes you unhappy. End your habit and duty!
Create emotional intimacy outside the bedroom:
Sex without feelings is rarely a problem that only appears in the bed. If your sex life has become cold and impersonal, start boosting the emotional contact outside the bed, for example by prioritizing deep conversations and loving touches.
When there is openness, closeness and confidence outside the bedroom, it affects the sex life. Partners who experience peace and cohesion can openly talk about feelings and desires without fear of rejection. And in bed they dare to throw the stitches and sink into joy by having good sex with loving feelings.
Remember:
Once committed some avidant partners can experience a lessening of their libido/sex drive. A once pretty sexually active partner can seem to lose interest sexually. Be careful not to take this personally. They would be this way with anyone and it has to do with them coming from families where there was not a lot of physical closeness. Now that you have become "deep family" to them they start to unconsciously revert back to the patterns of their childhood attachments, which probably did not include a lot of close physical contact. Of course you can continue to ask for physical contact but be patient with them and try to find ways of approaching that don't provoke a defensive response in your avoidant partner. Also be careful not to trigger a shame response when discussing this with your partner as they tend to feel ashamed and embarrassed about letting their partner down in this way. (Stan Tatkin)
From the healing ambivalent thread:
"The preocuppied ambivalent and sex - do you use sex as comfort ?:
Confusing Sex and Love::
Often, individuals with Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment adaptation crave true intimacy but use sex as a means to feel loved. During adolescence, this may present as a promiscuous teen searching for Secure Attachment lacking in their childhood and caregiver relationships.
The desperate need to feel constantly reassured and validated, even through false means, can temporarily provide reassurance, but may quickly fade once they are separated from their sexual partner, generating even more anxiety than before."
(Diane Poole Heller)
A sextherapist/therapist says:
If you use sex to feel desired and appreciated, you use sex as comfort.
The dominant feelings are not lust and love, but anxiety, nervousness and the fear of being abandoned. So your primary wish is not pleasure, but security and confirmation. Sex is only a way to get this.
When you use sex as comfort, it has negative consequences, which in time can destroy both your sex and love life.
The classic example: The woman who exchanges sex for love.
In my work as a sexologist and a therapist, I often meet couples where the woman feels the pressure to have sex for the sake of the husband. She lacks love and attention, but the only way she can awaken the man's interest is to agree to sex.
On the other hand, the man is hard at showing soreness and emotion. For him, sex is the place he's easiest to open.
Both the woman and the man therefore use sex to achieve something else.
The basic problem: Insecure attachment
It all starts with lack of confidence in the relationship. If you are basically angry with your attatchment pattern, you doubt your partner and your relationship. You are unsure whether you can rely on your partner's love, interest and attention. The more unsafe your pattern is, the more you doubt.
If your connection pattern is nervous, you are worried about small signs of problems in the relationship. Your automated response is to reach out for your partner to make contact and confirm. Here, sex can be a way of getting attention and love.
If you only experience peace of mind in connection with sex, sex becomes obsessive. For example, if you've been scolding with your partner, you can push yourself to sex to create emotional contact and clean the air ("reconciliation"). Sex is no longer a source of joy, pleasure and love, but a way to conceal anxiety and nervousness.
Forced sex destroys the desire for physical intimacy, because sex and concern do not harmonize with each other. And when sex life suffers, it goes beyond the relationship.
Captive sex does not create emotional intimacy. Although there are lots of strong emotions involved in the sexual act, there is no real closeness and thus the relationship also loses one of its most important sources of cohesion, which of course has negative consequences.
Do you use sex as comfort?
Perhaps you use sex as comfort without knowing it. Sex life can easily be experienced intensely and well, though it is not really driven by desire and love. Perhaps you do not know other ways of having sex and do not think it's a problem? Or maybe you've just forgotten how it feels like having sex because you really really want to?
If in doubt, consider what you long for: Sex, loving touches or something completely third?
How to get a sex life based on enjoyment;
The best recipe for a sex life cleaned for comfort is to create peace of mind in your relationship. Confidence means that you dare to ask for what you really want, ie. You dare to say no to sex, and instead ask for a hug and get around.
Adding a safe behavior pattern is a big thing that requires hard work, but the reward is similarly high.
You become comfortable, when you find, that your partner wants you and that you are emotionally connected. When you feel connected, you are safe and you dare to be vulnerable and ask to get your needs met. The most important ways to create emotional connection are to be emotionally accessible to each other and to prioritize deep conversations.
While working on learning a safe behavior pattern, try to change your sexual habits.
For example, you can start by giving priority to loving physical touch every day, ie. hold hands, hug, lie close on the sofa, etc. In this way you will find that you can get the most without first offering sex. It may even be a good idea to completely avoid sex for a period of time, so you do not fall back in a negative pattern."