|
Post by toorational on Jun 1, 2020 13:47:23 GMT
I would encourage you to change the wording from weakness to vulnerability and look up ted talks by Brene Brown. Thanks, will do. Are you simply choosing short term pleasure over long term satisfaction. Yes! I totally am right now. I'm fully aware that it's not sustainable. Maybe I'm kidding myself but I'm thinking, as long as I'm not creating long term adverse effect, what's the harm? I guess I'm just thinking, "what do I have to lose"? Except time that is. I'm just careful not to get too attached and not have any expectations. When this runs out of steam and we get back on a downward spiral, I won't be surprised and that will probably be the end of it. Easier said than done and I'm certainly not looking forward to it. But won't it be easier to let go of the relationship when things are bad than when things are (relatively speaking) good right now?
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 14:03:12 GMT
I would encourage you to change the wording from weakness to vulnerability and look up ted talks by Brene Brown. Thanks, will do. Are you simply choosing short term pleasure over long term satisfaction. Yes! I totally am right now. I'm fully aware that it's not sustainable. Maybe I'm kidding myself but I'm thinking, as long as I'm not creating long term adverse effect, what's the harm? I guess I'm just thinking, "what do I have to lose"? Except time that is. I'm just careful not to get too attached and not have any expectations. When this runs out of steam and we get back on a downward spiral, I won't be surprised and that will probably be the end of it. Easier said than done and I'm certainly not looking forward to it. But won't it be easier to let go of the relationship when things are bad than when things are (relatively speaking) good right now? As long as you are upfront about it and both of you are viewing this the same, then really...there is no harm. Could you also start putting feelers out for someone who is more suitable? I don’t know if you use online services, but you could start exploring on dating apps.
|
|
|
Post by toorational on Jun 1, 2020 14:47:44 GMT
Yes that's probably where there's a potential issue, I'm not really honest with her about my lack of hope for the future. We haven't had a proper couple talk since her breakup. I won't lie to her if the issue comes up though.
I would never think about flirting or exploring dating apps until things are over with my girlfriend. I would find that highly disrespectful. Emotional cheating is still cheating in my book. But I probably wasn't clear on where we stand right now. From her point of view everything is smooth sailing right now. I'm the one having doubts.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 15:31:53 GMT
Yes that's probably where there's a potential issue, I'm not really honest with her about my lack of hope for the future. We haven't had a proper couple talk since her breakup. I won't lie to her if the issue comes up though. I would never think about flirting or exploring dating apps until things are over with my girlfriend. I would find that highly disrespectful. Emotional cheating is still cheating in my book. But I probably wasn't clear on where we stand right now. From her point of view everything is smooth sailing right now. I'm the one having doubts. I don’t think it requires anything as heavy duty as a couples talk.....but I do think you need to be honest about your doubts...nothing worse then white knuckling things just to keep everything going well. It is also disrespecting your needs in favor of being a dutiful boyfriend. To me, that is a lose, lose situation. If you already know this relationship is not sustainable because of incompatibility between your needs...then isn’t it better to be honest.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2020 18:49:50 GMT
The issue is not necessarily the lack of support, but rather, the deactivation effect it has on her. As I had mentioned before, it really seems that any sign of "weakness" on my part turns her off. So I either have to do like old fashioned males and repress my emotions, keep everything inside and not show any weakness, or I risk turning her off. I'm not comfortable with this situation, because, in my view of a relationship (others can have other views), partners should support one another in times of need. I don't think that I'm looking for emotional regulation, I'm just hoping that I can share my issues without the risk of hurting the relationship. It's quickly becoming a deal breaker for me. That's not exactly what I was saying. I was saying the problem actually is her lack of support, because I'm looking at this through your lens and not making it about her. You need / can expect support in your relationships, and she can't give it (without deactivating), so it's not meeting your needs. If we want to go deeper, you wanting support isn't codependent at all, and I was just inserting that secure attachment is comfort with healthy boundaries around both inter- and independency at once. But you trying to manage your own emotions in order to manage hers, stuffing down your needs to prevent her deactivation when you're not doing anything untoward to cause it and it's her issue, is the AP way and that's where your response gets tricky. You may already understand this and were having some semantics issues, though.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 19:48:25 GMT
The issue is not necessarily the lack of support, but rather, the deactivation effect it has on her. As I had mentioned before, it really seems that any sign of "weakness" on my part turns her off. So I either have to do like old fashioned males and repress my emotions, keep everything inside and not show any weakness, or I risk turning her off. I'm not comfortable with this situation, because, in my view of a relationship (others can have other views), partners should support one another in times of need. I don't think that I'm looking for emotional regulation, I'm just hoping that I can share my issues without the risk of hurting the relationship. It's quickly becoming a deal breaker for me. But you trying to manage your own emotions in order to manage hers, stuffing down your needs to prevent her deactivation when you're not doing anything untoward to cause it and it's her issue, is the AP way and that's where your response gets tricky. I sooo recognize this in myself and it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy because those “controled emotions” come out in other ways and recreates the cycle all over again.
|
|
|
Post by toorational on Jun 1, 2020 21:10:51 GMT
alexandra, yes I think we're on the same page and I understand what you're saying. My needs are justified but the way I'm currently handling this is AP, I recognize that. A secure way would be to put my foot down as make my expectations clear (establish boundaries), or I'm out. I'm not doing that right now because that would almost be guaranteed to end the relationship right there and then (which is what APs fear). She made it clear when we got back together that it's her way or the highway, she's tired of being blamed if she's not meeting my expectations.
I know that this is most likely the inevitable end anyway but as I was saying, I'm trying to enjoy whatever good moments we have left.
Anyway, it helps to be able to put down my thoughts here, which I don't have the courage yet to tell her. Thanks.
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2020 21:30:18 GMT
Security isn't about putting your foot down, though. It's about communicating what you want, listening to what she wants, and objectively deciding if it works for you and/or if it's realistically possible for the two of you to work through together (ie she's equally committed and driven to solving it). Minding your boundary isn't saying, it needs to be this way or I leave, like a big statement, it's about it being an open conversation, you then making the decision that works for you, and if it's to end things, she's not blind-sided by it because it's already come up as a concern and there was already opportunity to work through it.
I'm not trying to tell you to do this or how to act. I'm just trying to model what secure means so you know. When I was AP, it was not intuitive to me to know what secure behavior would look like or honestly even think to ask that question in my head. So I'm not trying to say, you're acting AP stop it, I'm trying to say these are the other perspectives and options for dealing with this if / when you're ready to try something else or look at it differently.
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 1, 2020 21:42:39 GMT
alexandra, yes I think we're on the same page and I understand what you're saying. My needs are justified but the way I'm currently handling this is AP, I recognize that. A secure way would be to put my foot down as make my expectations clear (establish boundaries), or I'm out. I'm not doing that right now because that would almost be guaranteed to end the relationship right there and then (which is what APs fear). She made it clear when we got back together that it's her way or the highway, she's tired of being blamed if she's not meeting my expectations. I know that this is most likely the inevitable end anyway but as I was saying, I'm trying to enjoy whatever good moments we have left. Anyway, it helps to be able to put down my thoughts here, which I don't have the courage yet to tell her. Thanks. From what I have observed, the foot down approach is very avoidant....it leaves no room for discussion or meeting in the middle. I like how alexandra put it.....you have an open dialogue....where you state what you need and see if she will meet you there and if not...then you have your answer...when you are ready.
|
|
|
Post by toorational on Aug 26, 2021 13:43:48 GMT
I'm reviving this old thread to give an update and it's a good one. Ever since the very brief break-up more than a year ago, things have been wonderful. We seemed to have reached a place of mutual comprehension of each others needs. I'm less pushy for her time and attention, and, in turn, she's more affectionate and much less distant. In fact, it's the longest stretch in our relationship where she didn't display avoidant behaviors at all. Sure, she needs her space and her own time and I respect that. But in return, I get love and affection when we actually are together. There was even a few months straight where she would come and spend several days in a row at my place, a very rare occurrence when she was more distant.
So bottom line is that I think that it's possible for an anxious and avoidant to have a successful relationship. The key is to meet in the middle.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 6:59:11 GMT
I'm reviving this old thread to give an update and it's a good one. Ever since the very brief break-up more than a year ago, things have been wonderful. We seemed to have reached a place of mutual comprehension of each others needs. I'm less pushy for her time and attention, and, in turn, she's more affectionate and much less distant. In fact, it's the longest stretch in our relationship where she didn't display avoidant behaviors at all. Sure, she needs her space and her own time and I respect that. But in return, I get love and affection when we actually are together. There was even a few months straight where she would come and spend several days in a row at my place, a very rare occurrence when she was more distant. So bottom line is that I think that it's possible for an anxious and avoidant to have a successful relationship. The key is to meet in the middle. Congratulations! I haven't read all through the thread but glanced through enough to understand you've made real progress in your relationship. Im avoidant with an anxious leaning man and we have made a lot of healthy progress too. We took a short, boundaried break (not a break up) to each introspect and figure out what we need and also what we contribute both positive and negative , and renewed a commitment to resolving problems in our relationship. It's a work in progress and sometimes a little messy but we are breaking patterns. Overall it's very good. We both have grown a lot. Grace between us has grown, too. I don't think anyone has known me like he does. That is powerful in that the vulnerability creates trust but also.... vulnerability and that's sometimes pretty triggering. I've gotten in touch with some pain that I have to work through. But I feel safe for the most part working through it and sharing it with him. I say for the most part because it's just difficult stuff from my childhood. When do we ever get through it all ? ha. It's necessary to unpack it and it helps me feel free when I get new perspectives on it. I'm living a much bigger life now than I used to. Anyway, wanted to congratulate you on your good news.
|
|