Feeling suffocated by AP partner

This is very insightful for me. I am AP. Not as intense anymore. I have done a lot of work on myself to change it but in my 20' s i was totally the way u desribed. It is this insatiable hunger to be validated by the one u love romantically. You're right though, nothing will satisfy that hunger. And funny thing is we really dont see it as anything other than Im trying to get them to love me as much as I love them, not realizing our love is tainted by our insecurities and attachment trauma.
I had no idea you would view it as "being used" . Thank you for that. I am still a work in progress but have come a long way.
Does the person you are with have any idea you feel this way or any idea of how they are behaving? It took years for me to realize what I was doing was not loving but needing the person.

There is a lot here. Firstly, I find it strange that in your experience you felt your AP did or bought you things and emotionally checked out. Of the love languages I would think that buying gifts and doing things would be more of a DA means of showing affection. My DA would buy me things like Pokémon cards, which I really enjoyed as a kid. But I hadn't played in years and never talked about them. I felt like he just latched on to something I said and never really thought about whether I would like it or not. APs would typically like quality time, physical affection/sex, and maybe complements as love languages from their partner. Secondly, You say your AP never wanted to know you as a real person. Frankly I find that perplexing as I see myriads of comments by APs saying the same about their DAs. DAs often don't want to talk about problems or feelings so we feel their is no way to get to know them. The fundamental understanding of attachment is APs crave intimacy, we want to know our partners and feel that they know and understand us. Your experience is your experience but I can't help but wonder how much you actually enabled your partner to learn who you were. It is their responsibility to try but if they feel it's not well received eventually they will stop trying.

We deff have a problem of expecting out partners to regulate our emotions. In our minds if you make us mad you meant to do it or you should know better by now. But I deff think we both contribute. You say you felt like you were always putting out fires or had to be constantly vigilant. But I suspect that a secure person prolly wouldn't feel the amount of effort predicting what their partners wanted and how they might react would be as demanding as you felt it was.

My parents were married for 15 years and the only reason it was so brief was because my mother died. In all their years together I don't think either of them EVER slept on the couch no matter how sick or angry at each other they were. Because it's just not generally something couples do. But that's were attachment comes in, we each evaluate what we think is normal based on our attachment style. A DAmight not bat an eye about sleeping on the couch because at some level they don't need to sleep together. A secure partner might find this strange and upon getting an explanationaccept it at face value. An AP will see this as bizarre and question whether such a universal experience, being sick, would result in a behavior they may have never thought would seem reasonable. And likely asses some other reason is more probable.
I think it is important for APs to realize the problems they bring into the relationship, DAs certainly take more of the blame than they deserve. It's also insightful to hear the DA experience as it is shared so little. But I think it's always good to remember it takes two to tango. The trap is the result of two fundamentally opposed needs coming together and the suffering experienced shouldn't necessarily lead to blame.

learningalongtheway, I wish I had seen this thread when you posted it.  I was not on the board over the summer.  You and I seem to have a LOT in common.  I completely relate.  My ex AP also bought me material things which often made no sense.  I never, ever wear jewelry but he always bought it for me, then got upset when I didn't wear it much.  I grew up in a household similar.  I was provided for materially, but not emotionally with some physical abuse.  I also do not value material gifts, but he never understood that. I would always tell him not to buy me expensive things, but it was in his head that that's was what I wanted.

I can relate to everything in your initial post.  I too was accused of cheating if I wanted to go out with my gfs for girls night out.  When I had a cold and slept in another room so that he wouldn't get sick, I was accused of not wanting to be with him.  If I had work stress and my mind was elsewhere for the night, I was accused of being cold and uncaring.

I think we are attracted to people that remind us of our childhood, unfortunately.  My mother was very anxious, but never took the time to get to know me.  She still doesn't know me and buys me gifts that make no sense.  

At the end of my relationship with him, I felt "used up".  I tried to give him the constant company, the constant contact, but it was never enough.  If I stayed on the phone with him one day for 2 hours, but not the next, it meant I didn't love him.  It didn't matter either way, because he never believed that I loved him.  

I don't have any answers.  I just wanted you to know that I can relate and your feelings are valid.  I could not make it work with my ex AP and we broke up.  He still texts me every week and it has been nearly 10 years.  I don't respond.  I can tell you that I am in a relationship currently with a secure man and it is the complete opposite of what I experienced with the ex.  We are both independent and I can have as many girls nights that I want and he isn't upset at all.  He's happy that I have my own friends.  I think I can best describe it as he's unselfish with my time.  He doesn't need all my time and attention, he's happy to share me. .  I hope you have gotten some peace since this post.

I think what I am gathering from reading this and other's posts from the Avoidant perspective is that you have been unfairly labeled by the Anxious partners in your life without those individuals understanding your needs. I do think we end up triggering each....accidentally....because what feels normal to one, feels smothering to the other and what feels normal to the other feels like abandonment/rejection to the first. I am truly grateful to read this as it helps me to grow.

I think the answer lies in really understanding both your own history and triggers and your partners. What I love about these forums is that I get to learn about the ways i "tthought" I was being there for my partner, but wasn't in a way he needed and how I interpreted things he did as distancing, when they may not have been. He still matters so much to me....and yes...the actual man....not my attachment system or my idea of him. I did care about his passions and his dreams and I fully believe in him.....but I admit that I tripped up regarding trust when we were together and I really had an issue with space apart....but I own that I must work on those things.

I'm not sure if it's easier, per se, but generally I think the anxious are much more likely to look for and find attachment theory and perform the necessary introspection to get started on the path to becoming secure.

The reason for this, to my mind, is that (again, generalizing) an anxious - whether aware or not - is overly focused on their own role in causing the breakup, looking for all the reasons and all they could have done differently to make it work. Whereas an avoidant is usually more apt to downplay their own role in the breakup and move on to find 'the one' who will fit them perfectly.