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Post by happyidiot on Nov 24, 2019 0:51:49 GMT
I don’t know if what I just experienced was just an anxiety attack or a flight, but I was at an event with a lot of my friends at the place where I met my FA (and I frequent very often even since all issues so I don’t think that was triggering), and I had a couple of drinks - and my good friend was bragging about her success and everyone else was happy and I just got this overwhelming sense of anxiety. I think I had been fighting it all night trying to just show face and be normal. I went to the bathroom as I felt I was going to burst into tears, and I could hold it until I got there. Then I started tearing up. I knew I had to leave. I left the bathroom, grabbed my purse passing through several friends just ignoring any eye contact and anything. My friend asked me if I was leaving and I said no but I knew I was leaving. I had to get out - it felt like life or death. I closed my tab, making no eye contact with my good friend who came up next to me and said “I feel like you hate me” and no contact with the bartender (same one in previous stories). I signed my tab and walked out. I didn’t say bye, I didn’t look at anyone, I couldn’t. I literally felt like literally running. I’ve had semi similar things before but never so bad like this where I couldn’t even say bye. I got home and the only person I wanted to text was the FA. I felt he understands this darkness. But I felt I shouldn’t text him because of these rules or whatever where I’m suppose to be strong. I then thought ok I can’t contact him, the only person left that I know would answer is my mom but she doesn’t understand and it would only be worse. Now I feel just very alone. I feel like I’ve been alienating from my friends and I hate that they’re friends but that I can’t talk to them about how I really feel. They wouldn’t get it. I feel the normal unworthiness of depression. I felt this for so many years before and I hate it. I’m sure that it’s coming out from drinking just a little bit -not even much but it shows me I can’t do even a little. I want to talk to him because I feel like he gets it, but like I said I feel like I’m not suppose to contact him even though I want to be real with him yet I feel also feel the anxiety of the pain of fear of rejection. I’ve never contacted him in times of darkness like this, I’ve always been the “strong” one when he has had them - I’ve never shared this face outside of slight mentions of “I get it, I’ve been there.” I guess I’m writing here to get it out. As I’ve felt this many times before (years and years) but never so bad that I just fled. Like it was run or die. I don’t know what to think. But I feel weird like it just pushes people further away from me but yet I literally couldn’t help it. I love my friends, I want to keep being friends with them and not being this crazy person who is too emotional to handle hanging out or too sensitive etc. But I feel like I’m too complicated, too emotional, too sensitive, and why would anyone really want to deal with that? I'm sorry that happened to you. It happened to me too, although I managed to tell my friends I was leaving. I said I was sick. For me it definitely was partly triggered by the fact that the place reminded me of my former boyfriend. And then just being with a bunch of people, the noise and everything. My nerves and emotions were too raw to handle it. It didn't help that I was with happy couples who were acting extra coupley. You were wise not to text the guy who has been triggering and avoiding you. You made yourself the "rule" not to contact him for a very good reason. You can't look to him to comfort you. He probably wouldn't even reply, and if he did, it would just confuse you and slow you from moving on. I'm glad you decided to post here. What makes you feel like you can't tell any of your friends what you are going through? Could you maybe tell any of them how you are feeling without necessarily explaining the whole story as to why? What makes you feel they would never understand? Did you text your friend (the one who thought you were mad at her) to explain anything? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2019 2:07:39 GMT
This sounds very traumatic  I don't know if this is an avoidant suggestion, but I think it's worth considering staying away from old playgrounds for a while. When I have had situations that caused a lot of pain and it was time to move on, I put it away and behind me in every way I could. In my experience there is no reason to expose yourself to situations that will drag you back. It's not a matter of letting someone or something control your life, it's a matter of being fair and gentle with yourself and changing your scenery to let your body get through this without unnecessary shocks and jabs. He's the reason you're feeling horrible so don't go looking to him for comfort. He may get it but he's not available, and again- he's the reason. I hope you're feeling better. If you could surgically remove this from your life you'd be on the road to recovery. As long as there are threads attached it's a hook in your eye. He doesn't deserve you. |
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Post by iz42 on Nov 25, 2019 3:22:16 GMT
If you could surgically remove this from your life you'd be on the road to recovery. As long as there are threads attached it's a hook in your eye. He doesn't deserve you. I know what you mean but "surgical removal" of feelings isn't really possible. Do you mean blocking him or asking him not to be in contact with her? |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 3:35:51 GMT
If you could surgically remove this from your life you'd be on the road to recovery. As long as there are threads attached it's a hook in your eye. He doesn't deserve you. I know what you mean but "surgical removal" of feelings isn't really possible. Do you mean blocking him or asking him not to be in contact with her? Yes, no contact, zero, the clean way. That may not be where she's at but that's what moving on from this kind of thing takes if it's that kind of attachment. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 3:38:43 GMT
Only I wouldn't ask him for anything, I'd just block him and recognize the communication is worthless. I wouldn't put myself out there in any way at all again. It's a never ending disappointment. And, he doesn't need any heads up, some decisions truly are made best unilaterally with no further discussion. In the case of dead end dropped convo disrespect, which is how I view his style.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 25, 2019 5:55:23 GMT
Only I wouldn't ask him for anything, I'd just block him and recognize the communication is worthless. I wouldn't put myself out there in any way at all again. It's a never ending disappointment. And, he doesn't need any heads up, some decisions truly are made best unilaterally with no further discussion. In the case of dead end dropped convo disrespect, which is how I view his style. For a different perspective, I'm personally completely against blocking or ghosting in all circumstances except if I have clearly told someone not to contact me anymore and they continue to do so (this has not happened to me, perhaps in part because, despite being FA, I clearly tell people when I don't want to date or see or talk to them, but if it did happen I would find it acceptable to block them, although I'm not sure I would necessarily need to). Blocking without warning sounds like an avoidant and dramatic approach to me. I say, either clearly tell the person you don't want to talk any longer and that you hope they will respect that, then simply don't talk to them anymore, or say nothing, move on and only tell them that if they do contact you. If they keep on contacting you after being told not to, then sure ignore them or even block them if it's making you unbearably anxious. To me, the point of telling someone I no longer wish to engage with them, rather than wielding the block hammer, is not to give them input on the decision but to embody my own values. I personally think blocking is on the same level as ghosting and both are unacceptable and incredibly hurtful to me, so I would not do them to others. I think blocking someone without explanation is immature and nasty. It is the ultimate indirect way to send a message that you want the person gone, never to be heard from again, without actually saying a thing. Personally I'm a believer in putting out the thing that one was so frustrated one wasn't getting, in this case direct communication and clarity on the relationship status. There are many ways to create closure that don't involve just wordlessly blocking someone from ever being able to contact you again. I'm talking about blocking someone from being able to call or text, although I wouldn't block anyone on social media either, in that case it's possible to just unfriend/unfollow them, and/or deactivate your own social media accounts. What is the rationale for blocking? To force oneself to not give into the temptation of texting the person by creating an extra step? To prevent them from tempting you by reaching out to you? I agree with the following opinion I saw on Quora: |
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Post by serenity on Nov 25, 2019 6:08:29 GMT
I just wanted to add that I feel blocking (for however long it takes to detach romantically) is okay, even if your intention is to remain open to being supportive in the long run. A person who is unfit for romantic relationships because of their attachment issues and mental health problems can make a loyal and valuable friend, though I wouldn't bother if I saw narcissistic or player tendencies. But you need that uninterrupted period of grieving to detach fully.
Also, avoidants can grieve more slowly, and not really be friendship material for quite a few months. They might still act hot cold and non communicative if you reconnect too fast, even if you feel over them. I found after 6 months, most of that passes and they can shock you with being incredibly consistent and even comfortable with close emotional connection. Just takes some time.
They will probably try to win you back at some point. My own preference is I'd rather have a healthy, consistent friendship than a wobbley destructive romantic relationship any day. I've never considered getting re- involved personally, but others might, depending on the individual. If you have to let go for your mental health, do it knowing that all kinds of human relationships can be rewarding.
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Post by happyidiot on Nov 25, 2019 6:12:51 GMT
serenity Do you feel ok with someone suddenly blocking you without telling you why? Because they might be doing it to detach romantically.
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Post by serenity on Nov 25, 2019 6:24:45 GMT
serenity Do you feel ok with someone suddenly blocking you without telling you why? Because they might be doing it to detach romantically. No. But I've never ignored/stonewalled/disappeared/refused to communicate/breadcrumbed or left the relationship status vague with a loving partner either. If I did stuff like that all the time to someone who loved me, avoided giving them a very good explanation for any of it, and refused to reassure them, I'd consider I deserved being blocked . |
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Post by serenity on Nov 25, 2019 8:23:55 GMT
I'm not at the point of asking him to not contact me. I also agree with happyidiot 's stance on ghosting/blocking. I've always felt that way, and after the situation with my friend who I mentioned above that ghosted me, I'll never do that to someone unless I've asked them numerous times to stop contacting me and they continue. When/if I get to that point with him, I would just ask him not to contact me as I need to heal and it's too hard to occasionally hear from him and try to get rid of my feelings for him. The problem with leaving the communication lines open and stating that your feelings for them are the reason you need distance, is you've given over a lever for them to sabotage your healing When/if they feel anxious they can easily send you a crumb, and you're hooked again. No contact is hard. Your mind will invent a million reasons not to do it. Its the quickest way to gain clarity and heal though. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 9:12:36 GMT
serenity Do you feel ok with someone suddenly blocking you without telling you why? Because they might be doing it to detach romantically. Going no contact is how I would do it, if I was suddenly experiencing panic attacks as described. But then again, I also would not tolerate or accept being ignored and randomly picked up to play the way it's been going on. Again, that's how I see it, not everyone will agree. The involved styles of relating, and psychological/physiological/emotional destructiveness of this engagement make no contact my "sever this long after it's expiration date" approach. I view it as being endlessly harmful if continued. This guy totally cherry picks what he will respond to. I view his whole style worthy of an abruptly closed door but if that's not the way one wants to go, that's understandable. People all move on different ways. I think he shows such total disregard for caroline it's crazy. She told him she was uncomfortable in a thoughtful bid for communication and he didn't respond to that with any kind of respect or concern for her. Buh-bye! |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 9:54:57 GMT
A key reason I'd quietly disappear from this after all thats gone on, especially after her recent direct communication, is that he only has to respond with four meaningless words to hook her into the cycle of watchful waiting:
"But, I like you."
It seems to be the pattern. Random little bits of crazy "huh?" material.
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 25, 2019 12:51:22 GMT
As a secure I have to cut off Everything. Id just tell my friends what is going on, they would totally get it. No social media, no going where he goes, etc, etc. I stay away from anything that would trigger me until Ive moved past it.
He has been a hard one to move past because he triggered me in way no other has and 'traumatized' me so I surely have to stay away from everything as I know myself, dont poke the bear.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 18:44:48 GMT
I will add that no one could force me to move on when I wasn’t ready. However, having been through this before with someone unavailable who wanted me around on his terms, when this last time came around, and though this guy was much different and even addressed his actions and apologized, I realized that NO ONE was worth sacrificing my emotional health. I told myself I would absolutely not go through that again. Yeah, my opinion is that the hard rule about not going no contact without a convo is idealistic given the particulars of this situation. I'm not a ghoster or a stonewaller. The behaviors of this man, and the resultant impacts on caroline in terms of severe attachment anxiety, panic, possible love addiction neurochemically, etc etc, trauma bonding, etc.... in my opinion, only my opinion, warrant an exit stage left with no further explanation. If communication and regard for what she has to say, how she feels, what she deserves to know about his intentions.... if all that was in place then sure, do the dignity of another conversation. All those things are completely lacking, and it doesn't have to be about a temper tantrum or hatred or anything like that. It can be knowing when you've stopped sharing your internal states with someone who disregards the importance of your internal states completely. Getting ignored after notifying of an intention to leave , and sharing the reasons why, is taking another bullet. And, likely as not, with his level of malaise in terms of decency and respect for another person's reality, he'd likely just be back again for some small talk. Again, everyone moves differently but personally I wouldn't reveal any more of my self to someone who ignores me so callously. There's no dignity in that even if some think it's polite and the higher road. I don't see it that way, I just see it as acceptance and knowing when what you have to bring to the table is without meaning to the person across from you. To each their own, though. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 20:14:47 GMT
caro ❤️! I hope that this whole process gets you to a better place than ever. I think sharing and taking off the mantle of shame and secrecy about your struggles can open you to so healing influences that weren't even apparent before. These things are not things we choose to suffer from, we are beset by them and it takes a lot of courage to keep going ❤️
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