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Post by serenity on Dec 4, 2019 23:38:34 GMT
Hugs Caroline, I'm sorry you had a really sad day, and felt triggered  Its hard to have good memories of connection and support, then not have that when you need it. I go through this a lot too during hard times..remembering the sensitivity and care I received from good people in my life. Most especially my SO I lived with for 15 years. He gave the best cuddles, would stroke my hair and wipe my tears if I was sad. I miss that a lot. I think ambiguous fade outs are very awful for the person being faded on. Yes, I believe its a way for an avoidant to minimise their grief when they no longer can (or want to) put effort into a relationship with you. It feels better for them, but not for the partner. I've read back a lot of posts on this forum, and often what happens is the partner gets frustrated, asks about the distance, and the Avoidant finally ghosts. (sometimes to return) If I feel someone is fading on me to `forget me', I'd rather end the relationship on my own terms. If they feel grief and loss, then they can make a decision whether to work on the relationship or not. Its unfair to be selfishly ambiguous. |
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Post by serenity on Dec 5, 2019 1:38:28 GMT
ugg, I'm so busy with work today, I'm having trouble picking words carefully.
Caroline, I guess what i really wanted to say, is we all care mainly about your mental health, and waiting out a cold cycle of an avoidant for 6 months is a great act of compassion and patience. Its also more stress and uncertainty than most of us would bare, or have been able to bear.
I personally have read accounts of FA and DA here cycling back to loved ones after long absences, and if you want that, I feel you have created the optimal situation for it to happen.
But your mental health is really the most important thing in all of this, including the effects on your self esteem and physical health. What I'd suggest is getting some quality distance from the situation somehow, and reflecting on this situation, everything you've learned abotu attachment theory, and the things you really want. You don't have to break up or explain yourself or decide anything immediately. Just take very good care of you. I'd recommend 4 weeks of radio silence and no contact, even if he writes. You can always say you took an emergency yacht trip vacation to the sahara desert later, if you want to give an explanation, if he even contacts you at all during that time.
Its just a suggestion, and i always respect your decisions.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 3:02:44 GMT
caro , don't worry about looking pathetic or anything like that by posting when you're triggered. You're not hurting anyone here, and you're the one who needs support so try not to talk negatively about yourself. You're still growing and learning through this whole experience. My girlfriend and I have a deal that we show up how we are, with whatever is going on, no judgment. You've got nothing to apologize for here, this board is here for you to use however it helps you best.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2019 19:04:52 GMT
I just feel like everyone else is able to move on, find other people or things, and not be so sensitive. Mind the thread title, don't fall into the comparison trap  Also, you feel that way. Doesn't mean it's true. You're figuring out your own process at any rate, and there's nothing wrong with that. |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 5, 2019 20:08:42 GMT
So I finally reached out last night addressing that things have felt disconnected the past few months, wasn't sure why, said I liked him, wanted to understand what's been going on for him, and that feeling weird hadn't felt good for me and can we clear the air? All pretty short and concise, kind but honest and clear. He responded within 45 minutes and said "a bunch going on and what not" / which I was surprised he responded that quickly to such a heavy topic. I guess it was the same amount of time he responded when I sent that apology in mid-Sept when I apologized for the miscommunication/wrong use of words I didn't know what to say to that, but after 2 hours I replied "okay, makes sense, I haven't really known what to think and I didn't know if you were still interested in me or not?" I guess I was trying to get to what I needed to know. I was trying to act secure, but I don't know if I was. But I tried. That was later at night so he might have been asleep, and we're both at work today... but no response. Which I guess is my answer. (obviously go easy on me, this one is hard) Right now, I feel glad that I expressed my feelings and there can be no doubt in his mind how I feel and I was true to myself. After 11 months, it doesn't feel like too much to say or ask... and in the early stages, I was way more vocal, confident, and upfront about such things and he seemed to handle it very differently but we were very flirty/sassy during that stage— like I said before, things just switched after he started opening up emotionally... I guess cause that's when attachment wounds start to kick in, he became more sensitive, and I became more attuned to his vulnerable feelings and state (as he was sharing about it) and didn't think the sassiness/etc was appropriate. The couple of times I was slightly sassy he seemed to take it the wrong way. I am a little confused why he even responded in the first place and not to the second thing, but I guess it makes sense given his avoidant parts and where he's at... or maybe he just lost interest these past couple of weeks (from the time he told me he was attracted to me and that I was a wonderful person). It sounds like the very definition of breadcrumbing, giving you just barely anything to keep you hanging on, but not actually giving you anything. I think THAT is the actual message, not what he is saying or doing. I know you have been struggling with this for a while now, and I honestly feel like it's time for you take your power back and direct your energy towards yourself. He has had more than enough open doors to walk through, but he doesn't know how to walk through them. And he won't until he is self-motivated to. There is no amount of you being 'safe' that will be safe enough, he really just has his own stuff to sort out before anyone will be safe enough. Until then, he will repeat this same story over and over, and he will not be happy about it either. But it does come a time when you start to ask yourself when is it time for someone to start making you the priority? And that someone should be you looking out for yourself first and foremost. No one else can or should be doing that, nor should you be doing that for anyone else who especially is giving the bare minimum. |
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Post by nyc718 on Dec 6, 2019 20:48:35 GMT
It sounds like the very definition of breadcrumbing, giving you just barely anything to keep you hanging on, but not actually giving you anything. I think THAT is the actual message, not what he is saying or doing. I know you have been struggling with this for a while now, and I honestly feel like it's time for you take your power back and direct your energy towards yourself. He has had more than enough open doors to walk through, but he doesn't know how to walk through them. And he won't until he is self-motivated to. There is no amount of you being 'safe' that will be safe enough, he really just has his own stuff to sort out before anyone will be safe enough. Until then, he will repeat this same story over and over, and he will not be happy about it either. But it does come a time when you start to ask yourself when is it time for someone to start making you the priority? And that someone should be you looking out for yourself first and foremost. No one else can or should be doing that, nor should you be doing that for anyone else who especially is giving the bare minimum. Thanks nyc718 . I'm trying — and have been — to direct my energy towards myself. It's a lot harder for me — it seems — than most people, and it just isn't a switch I can switch on. I WISH! I'm trying, but there's been some triggering moments and some setbacks — which I've been writing about here. Any suggestions are welcome. I know you're right about he just doesn't know how to walk through them, accept love and help. I know he's hurting, and that does make me sad for him. But I know pretty much there's nothing else I can do. You can't make someone see the light or kindness/love that is being offered, they have to see it on their own. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. I do know he's hurting pretty badly. I agree as well that no one else can look out for me first but me — and I wouldn't want anyone to. I know that's the core problem, is I've never been good at seeing myself in a positive light and taking care of myself to the fullest. And I shouldn't expect anyone could love me until I can fully love myself. I've come a long way, but no where near close to high or normal self esteem. As the thread title states, my biggest ongoing struggle is the comparison one. I can go down hours of rabbit holes comparing myself to anyone. I've done this my whole life. Knowing the root helps, but I still don't know how to fix it. Therapy says to "counter those thoughts" and keep working on myself to improve the things I don't like. But sometimes that just doesn't cut it. And sometimes I feel like it's never going to go away and I was just raised with this curse. It seems so stupid because it's all just thoughts and feelings, but they feel like facts a lot of the time. Then there are other times — and like I've said before, way more than they used to be and growing and I'd say 75% of the time in regards to this situation, where I know I'm "good enough." And I know I've been kind all but one time in that was just a misunderstanding / acting out of insecurity. Those are times when I usually don't post here, because I guess, hey, I'm doing ok, and don't need to get things out. I'm rambling, but I guess what I find most annoying / hard is: 1. How easy my brain (since as early as I can remember) goes to the comparison factor 2. It's hard when you see someone's darkness and know they're hurting and I've hurt in similar-ish ways, and they won't let you be there for them (like I said, acknowledging it could just be cause he doesn't want me in his life) 3. As an AP (I think this is an AP thing), I always feel like there's more I can do — even if there isn't. 4. The inconsistency and intermittent reinforcement of the past 4 months has been hard. 5. Knowing about attachment theory now, all of these things and deep diving into myself have brought up the core wounds with my parents / childhood. I'm also dreading having to see my parents over the holidays because of all of this and their criticism. 6. It feels like throwing a good connection away where someone who doesn't open up much opened up then ran. 7. He might be worried about his ED issue or depression being a turn off, and I'm not judging him for those and wouldn't reject him for those. He's choosing for me, and not even giving it a chance. I get why, but I'm not even going to reject him for that. 8. I feel immense pressure that I'm a failure because I still care, haven't moved on, don't just like people as often as everyone else, etc. That plus depression from other things (weight) and #5 has made me close up and avoid friends and talking about so many things outside of here. 9. I'm not mad, and I don't want to be mad. That's how a lot of people handle it, but I don't want to handle it like that. I just want to be able to 100% of the time feel the way I do 75% of the time (which is not triggered, knowing I'm good enough, did everything I could, he just can't handle right now etc). So that's where I'm at. I have been doing better, but when I write it's in those 25% moments. Again, thanks everyone for the support. Be super kind to yourself <3 You ARE good enough for yourself and for anyone else. It's clear you are a good person. I've said this in other posts, my session with a hypnotherapist was super helpful. It really bridged a gap between my regular therapy and my regular life. I am going again soon. Healing the subconscious is very instrumental for everyone, I feel. Hang in there!! |
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Post by serenity on Mar 8, 2020 6:00:11 GMT
I'm feeling pretty low tonight about myself and everything. I guess overall right now it feels just sad, like right now I'm afraid it's just a dream that I dreamt up, that the feelings aren't reciprocated and that every other girl is prettier, thinner, more intelligent, more cultured, more fun, sexier, and a better fit. I just want to give up because I'm not those things, and I feel like I have nothing to offer. I want to give up before he rejects me, I want to reject him first so I don't get rejected. Which I know is a FA thing to do, but I don't know about AP. But I guess labels don't matter, that's just how I feel. Hugs Caroline. What you have to offer him that no other woman does, is your love for him, and your understanding, patient nature. His distance doesn't make those beautiful things about you worthless. His distance would be with anybody. Anxiety can take its toll your health; the cortisol and stress hormones can make you feel sluggish and exhausted. The only thing that helped me was getting regular excercise, and it does boost your confidence and mood. Something like a home exercise bike and some gentle free weights are nice, for the days when you just don't want to go out in public while you excercise (or your gym gets locked down because of coronavirus). |
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Post by amber on Mar 8, 2020 6:56:58 GMT
I'm feeling pretty low tonight about myself and everything. I guess overall right now it feels just sad, like right now I'm afraid it's just a dream that I dreamt up, that the feelings aren't reciprocated and that every other girl is prettier, thinner, more intelligent, more cultured, more fun, sexier, and a better fit. I just want to give up because I'm not those things, and I feel like I have nothing to offer. I want to give up before he rejects me, I want to reject him first so I don't get rejected. Which I know is a FA thing to do, but I don't know about AP. But I guess labels don't matter, that's just how I feel. Can you hold those parts of you? With love, if not love, at least with some acceptance? Only you can give you what you need,not an external source. Hugs |
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Post by dhali on Mar 8, 2020 7:53:24 GMT
Caroline- Im sorry you’re going through this. Defining your self worth based on what others think is a hard cycle to break. For anyone. It’s really the reason humans do everything. For some sort of acceptance. Or to fit in. Everything is about being soothed. That goes for every human on earth. Self esteem. How do we build it? I think that’s the work. (Side note- in a conversation with my ex wife, she mentioned she was crying at work. I mentioned I was sorry that happened. She replied, oh, I’m not. I’m a 40 year old woman. I can feel whatever the hell I want to feel. I was blown away. Because she’s right you know, and I was so proud of her acceptance of herself). Do you know what confidence is? It’s knowing yourself. Intimately. Not running from things you don’t want to be true. We all do it. I’m cleaning up a big part of my life on this. I built a bunch of tuff on stilts just being stubborn and not willing to take a solid look at my faults. Not being open to feedback. Having excuses for everything. Confidence is the person who is willing to admit, not only that they are flawed, but how flawed they are. And is not ashamed of it. Because we all are. Deeply. Embrace it. That’s how you fix it. And self esteem is built. You know waaay more about yourself than your ex ever did. How could his opinion carry any weight, if you truly know yourself? If this is a rabbit hole you want to go down, I can make a book recommendation.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 8, 2020 9:35:20 GMT
caro m.youtube.com/watch?v=leVxB1l5NiY: Maybe this mantra can help you: :(you can say it out loud) "we are together, as long as we are together." This mantra can help you to land the nervous system and can help You to get you into the present moment. There are no guarantees in love life. ALL relationships will end at some point. Many relationships ends before death will separate you.- By thinking that all relationships Will end sooner or later can Be helpfull to the ambivalent. Then you don't have to use so much energy worriing about it. You are unique and worthy just because you are born. Don't you ever forget this ♥️ And happy international women's Day. Anne
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Its hard to have good memories of connection and support, then not have that when you need it. I go through this a lot too during hard times..remembering the sensitivity and care I received from good people in my life. Most especially my SO I lived with for 15 years. He gave the best cuddles, would stroke my hair and wipe my tears if I was sad. I miss that a lot.
