Tips to create a long lasting juicy relationship

There are 3 systems running when making love:

When having sex, the tension in ans increases. This can trigger trauma as trauma connect with intensity

Attatchment
Sexuality
Survival

Testosterone gives sex drive. Greater sex drive but less connection./attatchment.

Look at Robert Sternberg's love triangle about intimacy.

Intimacy:
We can be intimate in an emotional way with good deep  conversations,
Physical intimacy
Sensuality

How to become better at intimacy:

Intimacy provides attraction and ignition
when there is respect for each other's boundaries
Polarity between the feminine and the masculine causes attraction

Love making when there is intimacy, respect, care, empathy ect.:

Eye Contact
Heart contact (can feel like a deep soul contact)
An experience of connectedness
Empathy
Openness and freedom to express, give and receive, ask for what you dream of and to ask what your partner would like
Space to play, experiment and laugh
Shame is put outside the door
The most important thing is not performance and orgasm, but togetherness, contact and enjoyment in the present moment

What blocks intimacy and good lovemaking:

In the individual:
Shame (also about sexuality - whose parents have been very liberal or very tight - underweight / overweight) ect.
Poor self-esteem (body, emotions, thoughts)
Attatchment pattern and carater structures
Stress and trauma
- Too Many Stress Hormones Can Drain Sexual Desire Others Want More Sex to Relieve the Nervous System When Stressed
Trauma and shock trauma can cause the nervous system to shut down so you don't have as much energy available or  IT crestes more sexdrive
Too little sleep or lack of good sleep - especially the feminine energy is hurting (young children ect.)
Lack of exercise
Malnutrition, deficiency - vitamins and minerals, underweight - can go beyond hormone production, malnutrition (obesity)
Medicine
Deasises

Within the couple:
Lack of respect - especially if the feminine loses respect for the masculine
Lack of intimacy physically or emotionally
Lack of presence
Lack of couple time together
Lack of polarity
Lack of renewal in beroomd or in daily life
The power struggle phase - including anger, sadness, boundaries - you stop trying...you think more about yourself and your own needs

Needs behind sex:
Testorone
To feel masculine / feminine
Confirmation
- the relationship is right
- physically my body is delicious
- defective self-esteem
Admiration - to be a good lover
Either one is good at opening one's heart or one is good at being sexual and seductive. Both gives problem in relationships. Can only be healed in a relationship. (The fifth caracter structure)
  - you can't do without me
Discharge ans
Experience intimacy / closeness

The secure:
Free to explore his sexuality Ect.

Ambivalent:
May be too preoccupied with sex to protect against rejection, hold on to their partner
Sometimes uses sex as confirmation
They confuse the amount of sex with how much they are loved
Sex overactivates the attachment system. They forget themselves both during sex and after sex

The avoidant:
Random non-committal sex suits them best
The intimacy ability is blocked / restricted
Maintains emotional distance
May have difficulty sensing the body
They have difficulty with eye contact as they have experienced angry or stressed eyes
Repeats the old story of not meeting their needs
During sex, they deactivates the attachment system

Disorganized:
Shifts between disabling and activating of the attatchment system
 like bondage / SM
Boundaries are a problem
Power / powerlessness Struggles

Talk to each other (use The Good Conversation):

Love making when there is intimacy, respect, care, empathy ect.:

Eye Contact
Heart contact (can feel like a deep soul contact)
An experience of connectedness
Empathy
Openness and freedom to express, give and receive, ask for what you dream of and to ask what your partner would like
Space to play, experiment and laugh
Shame is put outside the door
The most important thing is not performance and orgasm, but togetherness, contact and enjoyment in the present moment

What points do you find easy to practise?
each of you ?
and together ?

What points do you find difficult?
each of you ?
and together ?

What can and will you do?
each of you ?
and together to get better at these points

Learn the Voo breath technique that instantly reduces stress in the system, tones the vagus nerve, and creates coherency in the system.
- Be guided through the Voo breath technique
It also helps to release shame

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6DeB_CGtOJM

"Let It Land" and Open Yourself to Your Partner
How to accept influence and deepen your relationship
www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-other-side-relationships/202001/let-it-land-and-open-yourself-your-partner

What do each of you want from the relationship ?

Why are you together ?

What are your most important values ?

Examples of personal values:
development, freedom, gratefulness, kindness, loyalty, adventurous, responsible, strength, generous, thorough, thoughtful, trust, honest, rational, spiritual, stable, ecology, cohesion, respect, calmness, love, seriousness, creativity, sports, ambitious, relaxed, health, change, prosperity ect.

All people have values
- acknowledged
- unknown, implicit

They are formed early in your life but can change throughout your life
Your family, friends, partner, community can impact your values.

It's about feeling into yourself - what you feel and not what you think

The values ​​you have each affects your relationship

Purpose:

A safe base
Have children
Give children and grandchildren a good upbringing
Cohesion
Sex
Practical
Economic
Experience more love in the world
ect.

Use the exercise to cultivate the mood and feelings that you dream of are between the two of you!

How to make your love vision:
Describe your vision as concrete and vivid as possible. Describe the vision so that you feel it, feel your enthusiasm and joy over the things that are in it
Describe it in present and positive formulations. What you want to get. Or already have and would like to keep on having
Describe the feelings, sensations, moods and experiences that you would like to have in love life, these are the ones that open you to love and get it attracted!

There are several love visions:
1) The love for yourself: How do you treat yourself, how do you show yourself love, what do you do to feel safe in your everyday life, do you fail yourself?
Make loving steps towards yourself, take a small step every day. Make a self-love diary. Write 3-5 points each night about what you might have thought, said, done to pamper yourself. Read your vision from time to time.

2) Long term lovevision:
Livingsituation, kids, Work, families, friends ect.
Merge your values ​​into the vision
Describe what and how it is in your relationship
Your way of being together
Communication
Activities and your sex life
Alone time
Other relationships - family, friends, children
Economy
Housing -form-seperate, together, apartment, house, in the city, country 🏠 ect
Possibly cohabitation
Free time, traveling , vacations ect.
Other things

Read your vision at least once a day - especially you need to focus on the emotions and moods. There may be a need - very easy even. Allow it to be there too.

You can make a collage with pictures from magasines of things and experiences you want in your relationship.

Robert Sternberg: A good loving relationship contains passion, loyal friendship, commitment. The securely attatched can do this.

Ambivalent Purpose: (unconsious)
Want to get the love and attention they once experienced with their parents, but which disappeared. The ambivalent need not to put the other on a pedestal the same way as the desorganised. 
They yearn and Long. They unconsciously look for fault in the other, but not to get the other down from the pedestal but to protect themselves from giving themselves to their partner so that they can experience love.
Getting the "hole" inside filled up
The ambivalent must help to fill the gap/the tank him/herself.
They can forget to see when they get love given in a different way from their partner.
It may be demanding to the partner.
They do not always notice when the partner gives them love.
Getting the gap filled can be done in interaction with others.
Making a love diary and writng down 5 things that shows that your loves You.
Also thinking about how You can get your own needs met. 

The avoidant: (unconsious)
Wants to get the recognition and justification that they did not experience as a child.
They can have a practical approach, wants a financial community.
That they are allowed to be here. Tell them what they do is good and it's good they are in the relationship.
When they receive recognition from the outside, it may rejected. They shut down feelings and needs.

The desorganised: (unconsious)
What was missing was the perfect unconditional love.
Unlike the scary, unpredictable, chaotic, and cross-border from childhood.
For the disorganized, it has to be the perfect partner - it's about life and death.They look for the ideal partner.
The desorganised does not go for a relationship with calm and predictability. They can have a tendency to want intencity and drama in their relationship. (Unconsciously)
Wants their partner to "the perfect partner". They they subcunciously wants drama. They have a tendency to put their partner on a piedestal. And their partner can easily fall of the piedistal.

How does a typical lovevision look like:

Love vision:
The secure:
harmonious, passionate, warm, cordial, loving, spacious, balanced.

The ambivalent:
long, romantic, "we do / we feel / you are / you do". There can be a lot of passion.

The dismossive:
Short, objective descriptions, without dicribtions of many moods, sensations and feelings, because the dismissive have closed of from their body.

The disorganized:
Messy, with contradictory things, confusing to read.

Love vision:
If you've got some ambivalent attatchmentstyle IT is important to put elements in the vision that gives a calm nerveussystem. That IT is clear, that you are together with the right person. When visualising the dating phase, that you are calm inside and that you are able to live your daily life ect. and that you are able to stay calm even if your future partner texts with 2 Days in between.

If you have some desorganised attatchmentstyle that things between you evolves in a calm and slow way with no drama, that boundaries are respected, that you and your partner feels egual ect

If you've got some dismissive attatchmentstyle it is important to describe your lovevision with your feelings, needs ect. You can ask some of your friends to get inspired.

Make a list of your 5 most important values:
Your love vision
Your self-love vision (the ambivalent needs to make a self love vision)

Talk to each other about,

What values ​​do you each have?
What does each of these values ​​mean?
Make a priority list of the 5 most important values ​​in your relationship

Talk to each other about,

Eachothers love vision 
Create your common love vision
Include the purpose of your relationship into lthe love vision
 

m.youtube.com/watch?v=8ku5xCwGs84

Marissa Peer, Esther Perel, and Dan Savage gives good tips 

In this video, "Love, Lust & Commitment Discussion" Mindvalley CEO Vishen Lakhiani and relationship experts host an interactive Q & A on modern dating and give valuable relationship tips.

VIDEO HIGHLIGHTS
02:52 Mistakes women usually do with their partners
04:20 Stop trying to change things that are not gonna change
08:05 Three doors of entry into sex
10:41 If there would be a new relationship vow like a marriage vow, what would it be?
13:20 How would you deal with someone who is not fully present with you?
15:37 What is the one thing that is a current struggle in relationships and how to resolve them?
19:10 Sex is the glue which makes a relationship really special
22:55 How the spouses became the best friend?
24:46 Is the container in which we're defining relationships today flawed in some way?
30:06 There is only one commitment that is repeated twice in the Bible
34:50 How to deal with the mind?
39:37 Is there a particular exercise or ritual or practice that you think one can integrate their relationship to create a more enjoyable beautiful experience?
44:42 We come on the planet for two needs
46:20 Why sexual compatibility is huge?
52:41 Q/A between Esther Perel, Dan Savage & Marisa Peer
59:12 Closing piece of advice

goodmenproject.com/featured-content/husband-whines-get-stop-alnpt/

Question: How do you handle an emotional person who wants to whine about everything? My husband and I are going through a tough time, not each other, just life in general. I’m handing everything yet he’s constantly bitching! While I understand this is his way to express, I am frustrated because I’m handling everything! What does he have to complain about? He gets up, he goes to work, he comes home. I am dealing with all the chaos and keeping our lives from falling apart. Please please help me put down the frying pan before I smack him with it!

How to know if you are "fighting" too much for/in your relationship:

1) You often feel tired and exhausted, or
2) You become irritated and irritable at / with your partner or
3) You are often feeling sad and cry, or
4) if you are unable to have the good conversation with your partner in your relationship