Update / FA expresses wanting to be together

Interesting — in reading your comment, I at first thought about how traditionally I used to do protest behavior or be aloof to see if the person would "fight for me" or really cared — because if they didn't do those things, they didn't care, and I had just protected myself from getting hurt. Up until this relationship, I did this 100% of the time. Every situation. If you left any decision up to me, I would've either walked or keep pining in my head (or being miserable) but not doing any action (aka all avoiding). 

But that didn't work here (because he was more "fearful" than I was, he was more aloof — and I could recognize this and the gut feeling he did actually like me by subtle exchanges and just in general/the connection), and it taught me (plus through my work/therapy/awareness) not to do that. It taught me to "fight" for myself and what I wanted. Almost to the point of when I sent what I did, I of course deep down wanted him to "fight" for me or try, but it was different this time, I wasn't doing it for that reason — I was doing it to stand up for myself, so if it backfired, I knew I still had did the right thing. I did it to set a boundary for respect. Not because I wanted out really, not because I wanted him to fight, but because I knew it had crossed my biggest boundary and if I let it go, I'd be disrespecting myself and showing him it's ok to walk all over me. (I think at least on all of this, I'm still processing this) And I want/wanted him, want/wanted the relationship, but I knew I couldn't let myself get stepped on in that regard as I've been before. I don't even think it's not something that can be worked out in the future (or even then), but he chose not to try to talk it out. Like I said, maybe he'd been wanting to get out (or maybe just wanting to in deactivation) or maybe it was just giving up because it was easier — but he made that decision. 

I had to make decisions throughout the relationships when I'm historically and currently TERRIBLE at decisions (even though here I knew what I wanted which I often don't, even in simple things like what to eat). I also tried hard to get him to speak up about what he wanted and show him it's ok — as no one ever showed me that before. 

That doesn't mean I don't go back and forth, have doubts (certainly in the first week), etc... I do for sure, but it feels different this time and most of the time I can see clearly that I "fought" and tried so hard, I was vocal about my feelings, and just tried to love him... and it comes down to he doesn't have the capacity or tools to participate right now. It doesn't actually feel because of lack of love on his end. Sure he's a dick in deactivation — and I guarantee when he reupped Tinder he was in deactivation and a dismissive state — but I also get the reasoning behind this. It's weird to feel like something wasn't because of a lack of love, but more about capability and someone just more so "giving up" or maybe it's "letting me go" — I don't know, again still processing. 

I saw all of these things in a "calm" mindset, so you bet I'll probably write and have when I'm triggered/anxious, and it's all different... but getting it out there before the demons circle back over.