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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 8:30:29 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. After being used to attract mostly avoidant men, it feels very unfamiliar to meet this guy that seems so into me. He almost fell for me before we even met. He says the most important to him is that I am kind, and that he likes my personality and values. That it seems like I have understood what is important in a relationship. We agree upon not wanting to cohabit, and not see a BF/GF 24/7, but have time and space for ourselves. He has been single for 5 months, after a 5 year long relationship. His longest is 7 years. No kids. He is communicative and open, and seems honest. We agree upon a lot of things. Good looking  So far, so good. He initiated much of the texting. The first day, Sunday, it was continuously from I woke up until I went to bed. Also much of the Monday and Tuesday, and in the evening we talked 2 hour on the phone. He loves to travel and want to find a GF to travel with. He want to take me to a SPA hotel this weekend to spend a day and a night together, to get to know each other. I say we really must meet in person before going on such a trip. I was starting to get overwhelmed with the texting, he saying things like maybe 2020 will be our year, maybe when we are old we can drive a camper through Europe, he feels so lucky to have met such a nice girl (not woman, I am almost 50...). Some sexting too, but I like it, even if it is early. I start to wonder if I actually have attracted an AP this time... I tell him that he is very intense, it is unfamiliar to me, and I get concerned/wary. He says yes, he is aware of it too, he is usually not that intense. So he slows down, so much that I am actually starting to miss him, I tell him, and we have found some sort of right pace of texting between us. He tells me that he really likes me, but has had a past... He has been in an environment with a cynical view of sex and body. It turns out he has been a stripper. It dosen't really bother me, it think it is pretty harmless, I have even been to strip bars myself a couple of times. But it is good to hear it from him now, and not later, and not from someone else, I guess. Yesterday he picked me up from work with his car and we just drove around the city and went for a walk. He was very eager to touch and hold me, said he was very nervous, said I looked better live, smiled a lot. In the conversation he mentions that his mother left them when he was 7, and that it is a long story. He doesn't have much contact with his mother, and just recently just spoke up to her for the first time. No details. I ask if he has siblings, and yes, but not in contact with them either. He has good contact with his father. When we parted there were just a couple of small kisses. I say yes to see him again, and also to join him for a trip this weekend. He will think of something nice for us to do. He is looking forward to talk with me and getting to know me. I must say this background story about his mother bothers me. He seems like a mix of secure/AP/avoidant. Secure because of the communication style, talking about feelings, pretty long relationships. AP because of the intensity and that he seems to be so hooked already. Avoidant because of not wanting to meet a girlfriend all the time, but having space. And the AP/avoidant mix (combined with his familiy issues) make me think he might be FA too, but more on the anxious side than my last FA who was leaning dismissive... What do you get out of this? What kind of questions could I ask him on the next date to get more information about his style? |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2020 8:40:12 GMT
I think you are overthinking diagnosing someone you don't really know, but he has given some red flags that he may not be the most emotionally stable person. So, this depends on how serious you are looking. If you aren't looking for anything serious and so far are enjoying him, then just take things slow and get to know him as a person. I'd personally never go take a trip with someone I just met online, though, that's way too fast for me. I'd also be uncomfortable if he starts really lovebombing you (he's laid some foundation, it sounds like) or pushing your boundaries (also potential foundation) or is projecting too much (future talk).
Why did his long-term relationships end?
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Post by anne12 on Jan 17, 2020 9:06:53 GMT
A spa hotel - he proberly want's to check out your body 😉
- getting to " know you " in a hot tub..
Touching you already and being a former stripper and the environment he talked about - it makes me think of some ruptured boundaries..
Sounds like you also can have some problems with boundaries maybe (your own) ? Why do you want to spend a day/night at a spahotel already ?
What happend to the other guy - the one who said you could talk to him instead of a therapist ?
Do you know your own attatcment style/styles ?
You seem to move faaaast...Why do you do that ?
Can you meet and play 🏌️ or something else than spending a day/night at a spa hotel...Remember what can happen if you are having sex too early...- oxytocin ect.
Is he oversharing do you think ? Do you ?
When we get a crush, we see more All the positive aspects about the other person and not the negative. When the relationship is more estabilished, we begin to see the negative about the other person. (This can be typical for the ambivalent or the desorganised attatched)
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Post by amber on Jan 17, 2020 9:38:43 GMT
You reallly can’t know a person this far into dating. It may feel like you do because you have a connection but don’t fall for this trap...it takes YEARS to get to know someone well. I fell for this with my last partner and he didn’t show his true colours until six months in. Remember limerance and honeymoon period and what that does to our brains... also I don’t really think you can be a mix of secure/avoidant/AP. As far as I’m aware attachment doesn’t really work like that. Has he worked on himself and his mother issues? Abandonment of a mother at such a young age would be highly traumatic for a child...something to be aware of.
Also, speaking from experience, five months out of a five years relationship is very short.i met my ex FA six months after ending a six year relationship and although I didn’t know it at the time was definetly not ready. I think that’s why I fell for him because I hadn’t really worked through the issues with my long term ex. He may say he is over it but beware of that. It can take men a lot longer to process relationship endings than women too. Do you know why and how the relationship ended? That’s worth finding out as well
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Post by Dualcitizen on Jan 17, 2020 10:11:16 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. After being used to attract mostly avoidant men, it feels very unfamiliar to meet this guy that seems so into me. He almost fell for me before we even met. He says the most important to him is that I am kind, and that he likes my personality and values. That it seems like I have understood what is important in a relationship. We agree upon not wanting to cohabit, and not see a BF/GF 24/7, but have time and space for ourselves. He has been single for 5 months, after a 5 year long relationship. His longest is 7 years. No kids. He is communicative and open, and seems honest. We agree upon a lot of things. Good looking So far, so good. He initiated much of the texting. The first day, Sunday, it was continuously from I woke up until I went to bed. Also much of the Monday and Tuesday, and in the evening we talked 2 hour on the phone. He loves to travel and want to find a GF to travel with. He want to take me to a SPA hotel this weekend to spend a day and a night together, to get to know each other. I say we really must meet in person before going on such a trip. I was starting to get overwhelmed with the texting, he saying things like maybe 2020 will be our year, maybe when we are old we can drive a camper through Europe, he feels so lucky to have met such a nice girl (not woman, I am almost 50...). Some sexting too, but I like it, even if it is early. I start to wonder if I actually have attracted an AP this time... I tell him that he is very intense, it is unfamiliar to me, and I get concerned/wary. He says yes, he is aware of it too, he is usually not that intense. So he slows down, so much that I am actually starting to miss him, I tell him, and we have found some sort of right pace of texting between us. He tells me that he really likes me, but has had a past... He has been in an environment with a cynical view of sex and body. It turns out he has been a stripper. It dosen't really bother me, it think it is pretty harmless, I have even been to strip bars myself a couple of times. But it is good to hear it from him now, and not later, and not from someone else, I guess. Yesterday he picked me up from work with his car and we just drove around the city and went for a walk. He was very eager to touch and hold me, said he was very nervous, said I looked better live, smiled a lot. In the conversation he mentions that his mother left them when he was 7, and that it is a long story. He doesn't have much contact with his mother, and just recently just spoke up to her for the first time. No details. I ask if he has siblings, and yes, but not in contact with them either. He has good contact with his father. When we parted there were just a couple of small kisses. I say yes to see him again, and also to join him for a trip this weekend. He will think of something nice for us to do. He is looking forward to talk with me and getting to know me. I must say this background story about his mother bothers me. He seems like a mix of secure/AP/avoidant. Secure because of the communication style, talking about feelings, pretty long relationships. AP because of the intensity and that he seems to be so hooked already. Avoidant because of not wanting to meet a girlfriend all the time, but having space. And the AP/avoidant mix (combined with his familiy issues) make me think he might be FA too, but more on the anxious side than my last FA who was leaning dismissive... What do you get out of this? What kind of questions could I ask him on the next date to get more information about his style? you can't really detect attachment style early on, just enjoy the experience imao. Just get to know the guy, it's your life, your boundaries, and you can easily say. "Look I really like you, but I'd like to slow it all down just a tad, maybe go for a simple drink or two for a few dates before trips are arranged" something along those lines. There is time to have fun and learn to know someone. If he is truly "secure" he wouldn't have an issue with that. Speed is a big "red flag". The fast moving pace and the trips already and staying together instead of simple dates with a few drinks scream limerence/living in the fantasy of "the one", and dare I say it, and be judgmental here, just be careful of potentially desperation and anxiety. That's what fast moving relationship would be making me think of "why would this person be moving so fast?". Normal relationships, move at a reasonable pace, there is no need for speed. 5 months after a 5 year relationship, also a red flag to me personally, potential rebound territory, which may explain the speed as well, he may be very well hurting still, may not be attachment issues, but emotional hurt/disorient after such a long relationship. Also my 2 cents worth on "long relationships". The A-P I dated 5 years ago, was in an unhappy relationship, a codependent one for 8 years. Time is not an indicator at all of anything really. I personally would have rathered 8x 1 year relationships to see who I was compatible with and dynamics of human nature instead of that. Only thing there is, I always have around 12 months off between relationships. All the best, have some fun meeting a new person I say |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 10:49:15 GMT
Wow, a lot of good answers already!
His relationship ended because his girlfriend had registered on several dating sites. His single friends told him that they saw here there. She continued to do it even when he told her how it made him feel. He lived in the basement the last year before breaking up.
Maybe we have overshared about sex... We are very open.
I have told him I have a lover (the commitment phobic I dated first), while I wait to find my next boyfriend. I have not been in touch with this guy after I met this new one though.
This one is very clear that he only wants to chat/date with only one at a time. I say that is what I want too, and then we can just agree to go exclusive if we want to take it further. I said that before that it is sort of a defence mechanism for me to be open to other possibilities, to not to bee too obsessed over one person too early.
I think we both have boundary issuses, yes you are right.
I have told him I want to take it slow, I am not in a hurry. He says he is pushing because I am slowing down, but if I was as crazy as he is, he would have been the one slowing down (so he has understood the anxious-avoidant dance, interesting).
But of course a trip and spending the night will be to early, you are right. It would be wise of me to tell him it is no need to rush it, we can do that later, and do regular dating first, and see how he reacts. I do that right away. Thank you!
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 10:57:45 GMT
But of course a trip and spending the night will be to early, you are right. It would be wise of me to tell him it is no need to rush it, we can do that later, and do regular dating first, and see how he reacts. I do that right away. Done! He answered right away: "Sure! Kiss". |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 11:04:55 GMT
Also: I texted him that out of respect for him I will not meet this lover while we are getting to know each other.
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Post by anne12 on Jan 17, 2020 11:10:37 GMT
"I have told him I want to take it slow, I am not in a hurry. He says he is pushing because I am slowing down, but if I was as crazy as he is, he would have been the one slowing down (so he has understood the anxious-avoidant dance, interesting)."
The above sounds more like ambivalent - ambivalent dance or maybe ap/fa or fa/fa dance. Maybe too soon to know ?
When you want me, then you are too avaliable, and then the ap can loose interest/can cool off. When there is some distance/the other steps back a little/isent so avaliable the ap can get interested again....Longing is the keyword and a little uavalibility is what can get the ambivalent turned on. That's why it is also a good idea for the ambivalent to slow down (otherwise they can be in doubt/loose interest/end relatinship)
You can both have a mix of different attatchment styles and each of your attatchmentstyles affects the other person.
Did your therapist give you any homework ?
If your "lovetank" is getting empty and you've had lack of connection for a period of time a good idea for the ambivalent is to make a dairy. Write down every day how "love" shows up in your daily life, what makes you happy, what you are thankfull for...ect - 5 things every day. People you appreciate in your life ect.
Good luck
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Post by mrob on Jan 17, 2020 11:52:55 GMT
I think people give you red flags early, things to take notice of, and behaviour follows, so yes, I think it is possible to see people’s attachment style early. Unaware people give themselves away without knowing it. A mix of AP and avoidant = FA, hence Disorganised attachment.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 11:54:56 GMT
anne12Yes,this could be right. AP/FA or FA/FA dance. I have been starting to wonder if I could be FA myself. Hmm... Yes, I told him it is a better tactic not to be so intense, because then I got time to miss him... I have not got any homework from my therapist yet. I will get back there in 3 days. Last time she asked me what attachment style I think I have, because I have told her about my research into this subject, and this forum as well. I said I think I am half secure/half unsecure. I have been testing about 50 % secure and a mix of other styles (including a few % FA).
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Post by anne12 on Jan 17, 2020 12:02:49 GMT
You can not rely only on a test. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetestsIt is possible that you can have some desorganised attatchment style/trauma yourself - maybe only 5-10 percent but theese 5-10 percent is what can create problems in your LoveLife. Desorganised/ambivalent: You are often locked in "Come Here - And Go Away!" patterns. You reach out for love -> you get frightened -> you pull away or attack -> then you will be calm again, when there is a distance -> you reach out, etc. Looks like the ambivalent pattern, but there are actually two different mechanisms. The disorganized form of connetcion is not about the accessibility of the other, as for the ambivalent / nervous attatched, but that you are overwhelmed at an instinctive level of contact. The close contact brings the old history into the system - and thus the old state of tension in the nervous system: Alarm! The ambivalent loses interest if the other is available. The disorganized runs scared back or attacks aggressively and/or freeze. Boundaries: Ambivalents loose themselves and are more occupied about the other person. If they pause they can often feel their boundaries and set them - what they do or do not want to do. Because they are so occupied with the other person they forget their own boundaries, wants and needs. Desorganised: Sometimes they override their own or other people's boundaries - because they can't feel them. They have been somehow used to Get their boundaries neglected/crossed. Or they can feel them but they can be in doubt if their boundaries are okay. They can Therefore walk RIGHT into "danger" without realising IT themselves. Not seeing red flags that other people would notise and quistion.. Desorganised attatchment style vs. avoidant attatchment style: People that are dealing with avoidant attachment shut down their attachment system due to neglect or active rejection if it's related to parenting styles. This can also occur if they've only been related to when learning a task so that they become overdeveloped in the left brain with less access to emotional availability or responsiveness. They also dissociate into parallel attention or activities that don't involve other people as a defense against their stress related to connection. In this case, the therapist needs to help the client learn to identify their needs and reach out and find comfort and soothing in regulation with another person for co-regulation and to enjoy the emotional connection. In disorganized, the attachment style is mixed with the threat response due to a parent being afraid of their own children or afraid from their own unresolved trauma or doing scary things to a child as they're raising them. There is a lot more fear involved and of course also dissociation related to unresolved relational trauma. The attachment system and the survival defensive responses can be over coupled and causing somatic, emotional and physiological confusion when a person is trying to connect more intimately in a relationship. |
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Post by annieb on Jan 17, 2020 15:35:11 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. After being used to attract mostly avoidant men, it feels very unfamiliar to meet this guy that seems so into me. He almost fell for me before we even met. He says the most important to him is that I am kind, and that he likes my personality and values. That it seems like I have understood what is important in a relationship. We agree upon not wanting to cohabit, and not see a BF/GF 24/7, but have time and space for ourselves. He has been single for 5 months, after a 5 year long relationship. His longest is 7 years. No kids. He is communicative and open, and seems honest. We agree upon a lot of things. Good looking So far, so good. He initiated much of the texting. The first day, Sunday, it was continuously from I woke up until I went to bed. Also much of the Monday and Tuesday, and in the evening we talked 2 hour on the phone. He loves to travel and want to find a GF to travel with. He want to take me to a SPA hotel this weekend to spend a day and a night together, to get to know each other. I say we really must meet in person before going on such a trip. I was starting to get overwhelmed with the texting, he saying things like maybe 2020 will be our year, maybe when we are old we can drive a camper through Europe, he feels so lucky to have met such a nice girl (not woman, I am almost 50...). Some sexting too, but I like it, even if it is early. I start to wonder if I actually have attracted an AP this time... I tell him that he is very intense, it is unfamiliar to me, and I get concerned/wary. He says yes, he is aware of it too, he is usually not that intense. So he slows down, so much that I am actually starting to miss him, I tell him, and we have found some sort of right pace of texting between us. He tells me that he really likes me, but has had a past... He has been in an environment with a cynical view of sex and body. It turns out he has been a stripper. It dosen't really bother me, it think it is pretty harmless, I have even been to strip bars myself a couple of times. But it is good to hear it from him now, and not later, and not from someone else, I guess. Yesterday he picked me up from work with his car and we just drove around the city and went for a walk. He was very eager to touch and hold me, said he was very nervous, said I looked better live, smiled a lot. In the conversation he mentions that his mother left them when he was 7, and that it is a long story. He doesn't have much contact with his mother, and just recently just spoke up to her for the first time. No details. I ask if he has siblings, and yes, but not in contact with them either. He has good contact with his father. When we parted there were just a couple of small kisses. I say yes to see him again, and also to join him for a trip this weekend. He will think of something nice for us to do. He is looking forward to talk with me and getting to know me. I must say this background story about his mother bothers me. He seems like a mix of secure/AP/avoidant. Secure because of the communication style, talking about feelings, pretty long relationships. AP because of the intensity and that he seems to be so hooked already. Avoidant because of not wanting to meet a girlfriend all the time, but having space. And the AP/avoidant mix (combined with his familiy issues) make me think he might be FA too, but more on the anxious side than my last FA who was leaning dismissive... What do you get out of this? What kind of questions could I ask him on the next date to get more information about his style? I don’t think you have enough to go by in terms of diagnosing this guy yet, but I’m always wary of the men who want to have three hour conversations and pretty much drop everything to woo me. They have all turned out to be DAs. I would treat carefully with this one and take it REAL SLOW. Like snail pace. And no hot tubs. |
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 17, 2020 17:27:21 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. After being used to attract mostly avoidant men, it feels very unfamiliar to meet this guy that seems so into me. He almost fell for me before we even met. He says the most important to him is that I am kind, and that he likes my personality and values. That it seems like I have understood what is important in a relationship. We agree upon not wanting to cohabit, and not see a BF/GF 24/7, but have time and space for ourselves. He has been single for 5 months, after a 5 year long relationship. His longest is 7 years. No kids. He is communicative and open, and seems honest. We agree upon a lot of things. Good looking So far, so good. He initiated much of the texting. The first day, Sunday, it was continuously from I woke up until I went to bed. Also much of the Monday and Tuesday, and in the evening we talked 2 hour on the phone. He loves to travel and want to find a GF to travel with. He want to take me to a SPA hotel this weekend to spend a day and a night together, to get to know each other. I say we really must meet in person before going on such a trip. I was starting to get overwhelmed with the texting, he saying things like maybe 2020 will be our year, maybe when we are old we can drive a camper through Europe, he feels so lucky to have met such a nice girl (not woman, I am almost 50...). Some sexting too, but I like it, even if it is early. I start to wonder if I actually have attracted an AP this time... I tell him that he is very intense, it is unfamiliar to me, and I get concerned/wary. He says yes, he is aware of it too, he is usually not that intense. So he slows down, so much that I am actually starting to miss him, I tell him, and we have found some sort of right pace of texting between us. He tells me that he really likes me, but has had a past... He has been in an environment with a cynical view of sex and body. It turns out he has been a stripper. It dosen't really bother me, it think it is pretty harmless, I have even been to strip bars myself a couple of times. But it is good to hear it from him now, and not later, and not from someone else, I guess. Yesterday he picked me up from work with his car and we just drove around the city and went for a walk. He was very eager to touch and hold me, said he was very nervous, said I looked better live, smiled a lot. In the conversation he mentions that his mother left them when he was 7, and that it is a long story. He doesn't have much contact with his mother, and just recently just spoke up to her for the first time. No details. I ask if he has siblings, and yes, but not in contact with them either. He has good contact with his father. When we parted there were just a couple of small kisses. I say yes to see him again, and also to join him for a trip this weekend. He will think of something nice for us to do. He is looking forward to talk with me and getting to know me. I must say this background story about his mother bothers me. He seems like a mix of secure/AP/avoidant. Secure because of the communication style, talking about feelings, pretty long relationships. AP because of the intensity and that he seems to be so hooked already. Avoidant because of not wanting to meet a girlfriend all the time, but having space. And the AP/avoidant mix (combined with his familiy issues) make me think he might be FA too, but more on the anxious side than my last FA who was leaning dismissive... What do you get out of this? What kind of questions could I ask him on the next date to get more information about his style? Just something to think about, but are you sure you want to date to "get over FA"? Not that I don't understand the reasons why you would want to do that, but it may be in your best interest to wait just a little bit longer, so instead of dating to get over him, you're dating because you are simply ready to get out there for you. I am only two months out of my breakup and I know I am not ready. I still have too much in my heart when I think of my ex though I know we are done forever. I know my emotions, chemicals, etc have to be more in line before I can be ready for anyone else again in my life. I want to be fully present and available, and not out there to mask any lingering unresolved issues as much as I can, about my ex. As far as someone being into you, not to toot my own horn, but any man that I have had some kind of relationship or connection to has always been "into" me, and why not, I'm a great catch. However, they being into me or anyone could be more about their eagerness to be with someone, and not necessarily that they were into "me". And certainly the last three men I have been with were into me from the get-go, and they turned out to be DA, FA and FA. So so much for that! They were into me, only to not be into me when things got too real for them. Five months out of a five year relationship doesn't sound like a long enough time to have processed the relationship and everything that went on, although it's entirely possible, though highly improbable, that they both were doing work before the relationship ended and decided that it was best they split. I personally would be wary of someone not even a full year out of a long term relationship like that. But I also have decided that one of my requirements going forth is someone who has done/is doing work on themselves and is willing to continue to do work going forward with me. Otherwise I feel like I just wouldn't trust that they are aware or evolved enough to meet me where I am now. Also the sexting so early on seems like a huge red flag. It's skipping getting to you know you intimately on an emotional level and jumping to the physical. And in my experience, the avoidants I have been with can ONLY offer the physical intimacy, and even that after a while they can no longer offer because of whatever confusion starts to take over internally. I say just as a matter of practicality, take it slow. Any man who is really into you will not have a problem with that. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Jan 17, 2020 17:33:19 GMT
What are you hoping to get out of this? A boyfriend. |
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So far, so good. 
