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Post by serenity on Jan 18, 2020 4:23:11 GMT
So, I have started dating to get over FA. This is the second person I have met IRL. We matched at Tinder 5 days ago, chatted every day since then, talked 2 hour on the phone the 3. day and met yesterday for a car trip and a walk. I think you should have ten boyfriends at once, so at least two might not be avoidants. <3
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Post by nyc718 on Jan 18, 2020 4:41:03 GMT
What are you hoping to get out of this? A boyfriend. This video came in my inbox as this is one of the people I subscribe to on Youtube. It proves that our phones hear us :-) www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmtM5wUgMdc
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Feb 2, 2020 11:47:54 GMT
Update: I told him for our second date I wanted to go slow, and no sex. He said sure, and suggested traditional dinner and movie date. When he drove me home I asked him to spend the night anyway. Not because I felt obligated to, but because I really wanted it.
That was two weeks ago, and after that we actually have met 4 more times. We enjoy each others company.
This is SO different than the FA-experience. He doesn't wobble, he is consistent. I feel I can relax and be myself. It feels safe to have him in my life. We are in contact several times a day. It is not so intense from his side now, he has adjusted. So I got time to miss him and initiates myself.
I really do not se any avoidant signs. He has no problem with intimacy. He says he still want to cuddle and be next to me after sex, and see it is a good sign. He can talk about relationships and feelings.
Turns out he has be going on anti-depressiva after the break. He say his ex was a psycopath. Others warned him, but he didn't want to see it. I asked if he thought about killing himself and he confirmed.
More from his backstory is that his father was distant, set no boundaries for him. His mother left them when he was 7. He have no contact with her, says he doesn't have a mother. He moved away from home at 15, with his girlfriend. He has moved around a lot. He confirmed feeling rootless, don't belong anywhere. He is 46 now.
I am not sure if his backstory should bother me or not. He has not been in therapy.
He stopped using antidepressiva a few says ago, calling me his Prozac. He says I make him feel happy and special.
I am afraid he will be to dependent on me... That he might be codependent.
So I am the one holding back... He is calling me darling, and I say we will wait and see. He asks if I am embarrased of him. I say we don't know each other yet.
On the other hand, he say he want something uncomplicated. He say he needs space and time alone. And he does not want to live together, or meet every day. Neither do I. So we agree about just take one date at a time.
I do not know if I am just hypervigilant after focusing on attachment styles for about a year now. Maybe I should just stop analysing things and go with the flow.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Feb 2, 2020 18:47:49 GMT
Update: I told him for our second date I wanted to go slow, and no sex. He said sure, and suggested traditional dinner and movie date. When he drove me home I asked him to spend the night anyway. Not because I felt obligated to, but because I really wanted it. That was two weeks ago, and after that we actually have met 4 more times. We enjoy each others company. This is SO different than the FA-experience. He doesn't wobble, he is consistent. I feel I can relax and be myself. It feels safe to have him in my life. We are in contact several times a day. It is not so intense from his side now, he has adjusted. So I got time to miss him and initiates myself. I really do not se any avoidant signs. He has no problem with intimacy. He says he still want to cuddle and be next to me after sex, and see it is a good sign. He can talk about relationships and feelings. Turns out he has be going on anti-depressiva after the break. He say his ex was a psycopath. Others warned him, but he didn't want to see it. I asked if he thought about killing himself and he confirmed. More from his backstory is that his father was distant, set no boundaries for him. His mother left them when he was 7. He have no contact with her, says he doesn't have a mother. He moved away from home at 15, with his girlfriend. He has moved around a lot. He confirmed feeling rootless, don't belong anywhere. He is 46 now. I am not sure if his backstory should bother me or not. He has not been in therapy. He stopped using antidepressiva a few says ago, calling me his Prozac. He says I make him feel happy and special. I am afraid he will be to dependent on me... That he might be codependent. So I am the one holding back... He is calling me darling, and I say we will wait and see. He asks if I am embarrased of him. I say we don't know each other yet. On the other hand, he say he want something uncomplicated. He say he needs space and time alone. And he does not want to live together, or meet every day. Neither do I. So we agree about just take one date at a time. I do not know if I am just hypervigilant after focusing on attachment styles for about a year now. Maybe I should just stop analysing things and go with the flow. Couple red flags for me. "You make him feel happy and special" also asking "if you are embarrassed by him"= low self worth (A-P or F-A potential attachment tendency). Someone should be happy in themselves, not derive happiness from another, my F-A is looking for "the one" and someone to be dependent upon, which will never ever happen, she needs to learn self love for herself. Unless someone truly has love for themselves, they cannot love another/receive love from another. The person you're dating should compliment you, and your lifestyle, not make you "happy". Codependency, and his upbringing is ripe for that, no real mother figure, and father was distant, not really helpful On one hand he's texting you multiple times a day, yet says wants space to himself? (this is just saying what you want to hear potentially as you brought it up with him, actions aren't congruent with words) I personally never talk about exes, and if brought up only positives I learnt from that relationship, no character assassinations i.e. "my ex was a psychopath", you attract via your attachment style largely, and if he stayed with a self confessed "psychopath" for more than 3 months dating, then I'd ask questions. I do think you're right, you applying some brakes, he's reciprocated, and hasn't been aggressive in anyway, so potentially not a narcissist. But yeah a few things there for me, bit up and down, full on to claiming to drop back. Just some thoughts, as you are asking, but totally upto you, if you enjoy his company and he is good to you, then why not try!
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Post by alexandra on Feb 2, 2020 19:07:38 GMT
He stopped using antidepressiva a few says ago, calling me his Prozac. He says I make him feel happy and special. This is a huge, huge, huge red flag. You are right to expect codependency down the line. After learning about attachment theory and earning secure, I dated someone for a little while knowing he had a complicated backstory like this and that he almost definitely had an insecure attachment style, though he claimed to be working on his issues. I thought that, since I understood the situation, if we kept it lighter with good, clear communication, I could get to know him better and figure it out from there. We did, and I limited my attachment. On the face of it, it seemed mutually respectful and okay, even when it ended. I learned a bunch of stuff later on, after it was over, that still shocked me. He had chosen to make some really unnecessary choices that were misleading to me, even though nothing in our situation warranted that kind of behavior. I was still surprised, though, and a bit hurt. But it's in keeping with the sorts of dysfunctional patterns someone with these issues may have, and it took a bit of time for me to get to know his character (which turned out to be bad) and if he was truly working on anything or just saying that to manipulate me into meeting his needs. Your situation... he's not even working on it. He took anti depressants, and then stopped them (was that approved by his doctor? Just stopping anti depressants can have bad consequences, especially for someone previously suicidal). Just take care of yourself.
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Post by amber on Feb 2, 2020 20:52:10 GMT
Update: I told him for our second date I wanted to go slow, and no sex. He said sure, and suggested traditional dinner and movie date. When he drove me home I asked him to spend the night anyway. Not because I felt obligated to, but because I really wanted it. That was two weeks ago, and after that we actually have met 4 more times. We enjoy each others company. This is SO different than the FA-experience. He doesn't wobble, he is consistent. I feel I can relax and be myself. It feels safe to have him in my life. We are in contact several times a day. It is not so intense from his side now, he has adjusted. So I got time to miss him and initiates myself. I really do not se any avoidant signs. He has no problem with intimacy. He says he still want to cuddle and be next to me after sex, and see it is a good sign. He can talk about relationships and feelings. Turns out he has be going on anti-depressiva after the break. He say his ex was a psycopath. Others warned him, but he didn't want to see it. I asked if he thought about killing himself and he confirmed. More from his backstory is that his father was distant, set no boundaries for him. His mother left them when he was 7. He have no contact with her, says he doesn't have a mother. He moved away from home at 15, with his girlfriend. He has moved around a lot. He confirmed feeling rootless, don't belong anywhere. He is 46 now. I am not sure if his backstory should bother me or not. He has not been in therapy. He stopped using antidepressiva a few says ago, calling me his Prozac. He says I make him feel happy and special. I am afraid he will be to dependent on me... That he might be codependent. So I am the one holding back... He is calling me darling, and I say we will wait and see. He asks if I am embarrased of him. I say we don't know each other yet. On the other hand, he say he want something uncomplicated. He say he needs space and time alone. And he does not want to live together, or meet every day. Neither do I. So we agree about just take one date at a time. I do not know if I am just hypervigilant after focusing on attachment styles for about a year now. Maybe I should just stop analysing things and go with the flow. You may not necessarily see avoidant signs this early on in dating. People tend to hide their true selves until 3-12 months in. My ex FA showed zero signs of avoidance, quite the opposite actually, until 5-6 months in.i think drawing conclusions at this stage can be problematic. Remember honeymoon phase lasts 6-18 months and that will shield against triggers and poor behaviour, generally speaking. I would be very concerned about any man telling me that I was his Prozac, and stopping medication for that reason. Ultimately he doesn’t really know you yet, he is likely fantasising about what you can give him and may be looking for the mother he never had. Loss of a parent at a young age is a huge wound and if he hasn’t dealt with that you will undoubtedly be projected on at some point, because you are a woman, and being in an intimate r/ship with him (will trigger mother issues) . I’d say proceed with caution!!
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Post by amber on Feb 2, 2020 21:54:43 GMT
So...... He’s making you responsible for his mental health? Wait until you “fail” (ie things just become less new) and then he holds you responsible and resents you for that. My last situation blew up and it had nowhere near the red flags in your story. You are going to end up hurt the longer you stay in this. I saw this in my r/ship with my ex. I think he put me on a pedestal and the second we had conflict I became “unsafe” and fell down from that pedestal like there was no tomorrow. When this guy feels “let down by you” which will inevitably happen because that’s the nature of r/ship at some point, you may become the baddie. The more we idealise someone, the more of a split there is, and the more you will fall from grace when this occurs.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 2, 2020 22:11:02 GMT
Words mean nothing. .... Words show who they want to be. Who they want to be, or what they think you want to hear (depending on their integrity).
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Post by amber on Feb 2, 2020 22:23:43 GMT
amber Ironically, I specifically told the FA I dated that I have been put on a pedestal and that it isn't a good thing. It's actually dehumanizing because I'm not perfect and I can't rescue you from your own internal demons. I don't think he had me up there as much as at least one other guy I dated did, but he definitely did the semi love bombing, this is exciting, I've never met anyone like you thing and then "oh wait, too much, I have other things going on, maybe I'm not ready for this, this is who I am, there are incompatibilities" thing. The things this guy is saying to the OP I read over and over and over in these threads. I've heard them myself. Words mean nothing. Actions show who a person is. Words show who they want to be. Great that you recognised this and could call him out on it. That was my experience too, being semi love bombed...I was not aware enough at the time to realise what was happening, and to see that I was being idealised and the problems that would then ensue from this. I got the whole “ you are so special and perfect for me and I’ve been waiting for you bla bla”...fast forward a year and it’s “I don’t feel a strong enough love and connection for you”...hmmm. Now how did that happen? Because I could not be the perfect mother he never had that he was looking for in me. Beware these men that have not worked on themselves that have childhood wounds
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Post by serenity on Feb 2, 2020 22:29:05 GMT
@bohemianraspberry I'd be wary about how this man will flip after the honeymoon, but its too early to say if he's avoidant. Things might go okay if he remains the slightly more anxious one in the relationship. Kids who lose parents young are prone to PTSD and depression, which is not necessarily a deal breaker, but can be a challenge. I've only rarely dated guys who lost a parent in early childhood, and they were very loyal to me, and more prone to anxious attachment because their abandonment fears were dominant.
I think all you can do for now is work on the stuff that's working, such as your communication which is pretty good right now. If he does flip avoidant, you know what you have to do. I'd say some of his fears and hesitation stem from being involved with a psychopath, which is a truly horrible experience. He's lucky to have met someone like you after that.
Good luck with him!
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Post by serenity on Feb 2, 2020 23:22:43 GMT
Things might go okay if he remains the slightly more anxious one in the relationship. In what world? Why in the world would you want your partner to be anxious? Control much? That's horrible. Calm down. I just think you can help a slightly anxiously attached partner feel secure more effectively than make an avoidant stable and consistent. That is if your nature is soothing and caring rather than dismissive.
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Post by amber on Feb 2, 2020 23:37:35 GMT
amber Maybe we should make a list of all of these things we hear. Because I see the newbies say "but he said I was perfect" blah blah blah. And I don't think they're being disingenuous when they say these things. But they are literally living in the moment with no consideration on past experiences and future consequences. If you are not aware, you will eat it up because this is stuff you've missed in some capacity. We shouldn't need such praise poured on us. I know my value. I don't need anyone to give me all kind of words to tell me what I already know. How about be a stable consistent person I can rely on? Oh, and also, how about you love yourself? And not compliment me for making you whole? So unhealthy and toxic. I think they do beleive how they feel at the time, not realising it’s a fantasy/projection etc. I agree,I ate up these compliments from my ex as I was starved for this, coming out of a six year r/ship where I didn’t receive this at all, and of course a childhood where I didn’t get much of this either. So moral of the story is learn to love and value yourself or buy into this stuff and potentially get hurt! I would much rather someone be consistent and reliable than say a bunch of nice stuff that at the end of the day doesn’t mean much
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Post by serenity on Feb 3, 2020 0:11:36 GMT
Calm down. I just think you can help a slightly anxiously attached partner feel secure more effectively than make an avoidant stable and consistent. That is if your nature is soothing and caring rather than dismissive. Don't be condescending serenity . Using such words to indicate I'm not "calm" and thus implying irrationality because I'm pointing out facts doesn't legitimize your poor advice. Unhealthy people (everyone on this forum) cannot help anyone in this state. Leave it to the therapists. We are talking about someone who has, from her own stories, not been showing healthy or stable behavior. She can't help anyone with severe mental and emotional issues. I suggest you check you own language and attitude ``what in the world''?.. very condescending and dismissive. ``Control much''? Very accusational and presumptious. Not to mention you have no mental health training whatsoever and presume to diagnose others as `too unhealthy' to have successful relationships.
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Post by serenity on Feb 3, 2020 1:07:30 GMT
Jandoe,
Making a lot of passive aggressive comments and harsh judgements and saying `I am not doing that' makes it hard to have a conversation with you.
I think I've contributed what I wish to say about Bohemianraspbery's pretty clearly, just as you have. I don't feel a need to debate it with you.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Feb 13, 2020 20:56:39 GMT
Update: I just had my fifth appointment with my psychologist. She suggested that I might not need her anymore for some time now (since I seem so happy with my life), and we agreed that I will contact her if I need her, before the summer. It has now been 1 month since my date and I matched at Tinder. We are still having contact each day, several times a day. I do not think he is too intense anymore, I kind of like it. It feels safe, and makes me at peace. I can be myself together with him. Coming over to visit each other, sometimes with sleepovers. He is consistent, loving, seems very kind. We tell each other we enjoy spending time together, talking, cuddling, having sex. He have stated that we are in the same place in life. He says that he used to always think ahead, that something had to lead to the next thing. Now he doesn't want to do that anymore, he just want to enjoy what we have in the moment and not think too much about the future. I have told him that he has to get his self-esteem in place, and not to be dependent on me to be happy. That I do not want to be his Prozac, it is too much of a responsibility. He understands. And he know this might not last, but he doesn't want that to ruin anything, he want to enjoy what we have together right now. He also say he had a very good self-esteem 2-3 years ago, before the relationship with his ex started to break him down. I can tell a positive difference from the first times we met. He seems more self-confident and relaxed. Show no avoidant signs. He is also interested in psychology and relationships, and I asked if he had heard about attachment theory. He had not. I said it is very interesting... So he googled it and read about it at his own initiative. Later he asked me what my attachment style was, and I took the Diane Poole Heller's test and sent him this screen shot: He said that he was sure he would get the smallest score on dismissive, and I agreed. He then took the test and just sent me a text "I did not pass the test". Then he sent me this: He said he got all the bad parts, and nothing good. That if he had answered with an earlier ex in mind (not the last one) he would have answered differently. He also wonder about how you could change so much in a few years if the foundation is laid in childhood. I said it is not a part of your personality. It can change (for better or worse) regarding who you are in a relationship with. And it can change for the better if you work on it yourself and/or with a therapist. What do you think of these charts? It seems like he is FA. But maybe I am too...
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