Post by lovebunny on Feb 24, 2020 15:23:23 GMT
I'm trying to sort through this feeling of being stuck in a frozen state. The last 3 people I've dated, I've been unable to make it past the 3rd date. The first, I felt hot for, until she confessed she was emotionally unavailable while healing from a past relationship, and my body shut down rather violently (I wrote about it on another thread, how I went into an emotional fetal position.) The second person, I felt no sparks, her lifestyle wasn't conducive to us dating anyway (she lives hours away with family and is starting a new career from the bottom.) Now there's a current person I felt mad sparks/compatibility with at first, but in the middle of our third date, I just lost interest, and I'm wondering if it's worth it to continue engaging.
My usually high libido seems to have left the building. I don't even want to self-pleasure, because my fantasies are too painful a contrast to my single-as-fuck reality. There may be physiological factors at play. I've been on a low dose of wellbutrin for a couple of months now, perhaps it's making me a little colder than what I'm used to. At my age, it's entirely possible I'm in perimenopause and it's affecting my hormones.
I still feel very stuck in rumination about the FA who dumped me several months ago, though we've now been broken up almost as long as we were together. Unfortunately, this is not unusual for me. I perform the physical act of moving on easily, but my brain never stops seeking that connection, usually not until it takes up obsessing over someone new. I know to argue with those thoughts, but in my private moments, I very much long to feel again how I felt with her before she deactivated. I understand it won't be with her, she's just fine without me and in a relationship with someone else.
Here is what has me alarmed. Currently, I feel no love. Not for anything. I continue to take good care of myself, my pets, I honor my obligations, keep my word, am nice to my friends and the people I date. I show up, I engage. But I have no deep feelings for anything. I'm not emotionally or geographically close to family. I enjoy the company of my good friends, but I take little pleasure in the good things that happen to them, nor do I seek more closeness or intimacy with them. I have no burning passion to succeed at a career, no ambition beyond being enjoying my work and eating well and making enough money to travel a little. All I've ever really wanted is to love and be loved, but that's feeling more and more unattainable.
I'm confused if this is normal growing pains as I shift into middle age and try to move towards a more secure attachment style, or if it's the flatness of depression (I eat and sleep fine and get plenty of sunshine and exercise) or maybe I'm just so burned out after a series of painful relationships that I've swung avoidant. Currently I'm rereading HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED, facing my own fear of commitment. I've made a couple of moves recently in hopes of moving deeper into my own life, namely cutting the last financial ties to my ex spouse and adopting a long-living pet. But I don't feel like I'm fully inhabiting my body, and it's strange and scary.
My usually high libido seems to have left the building. I don't even want to self-pleasure, because my fantasies are too painful a contrast to my single-as-fuck reality. There may be physiological factors at play. I've been on a low dose of wellbutrin for a couple of months now, perhaps it's making me a little colder than what I'm used to. At my age, it's entirely possible I'm in perimenopause and it's affecting my hormones.
I still feel very stuck in rumination about the FA who dumped me several months ago, though we've now been broken up almost as long as we were together. Unfortunately, this is not unusual for me. I perform the physical act of moving on easily, but my brain never stops seeking that connection, usually not until it takes up obsessing over someone new. I know to argue with those thoughts, but in my private moments, I very much long to feel again how I felt with her before she deactivated. I understand it won't be with her, she's just fine without me and in a relationship with someone else.
Here is what has me alarmed. Currently, I feel no love. Not for anything. I continue to take good care of myself, my pets, I honor my obligations, keep my word, am nice to my friends and the people I date. I show up, I engage. But I have no deep feelings for anything. I'm not emotionally or geographically close to family. I enjoy the company of my good friends, but I take little pleasure in the good things that happen to them, nor do I seek more closeness or intimacy with them. I have no burning passion to succeed at a career, no ambition beyond being enjoying my work and eating well and making enough money to travel a little. All I've ever really wanted is to love and be loved, but that's feeling more and more unattainable.
I'm confused if this is normal growing pains as I shift into middle age and try to move towards a more secure attachment style, or if it's the flatness of depression (I eat and sleep fine and get plenty of sunshine and exercise) or maybe I'm just so burned out after a series of painful relationships that I've swung avoidant. Currently I'm rereading HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED, facing my own fear of commitment. I've made a couple of moves recently in hopes of moving deeper into my own life, namely cutting the last financial ties to my ex spouse and adopting a long-living pet. But I don't feel like I'm fully inhabiting my body, and it's strange and scary.
