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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 19:59:25 GMT
annieb , in your work situation do you have any recourse? Like could you pretend you'll get HR involved if he doesn't back off, even if you really won't? I once was in a work dating situation, which was a terrible idea because he was either a very extreme DA or covert narcissist, but I was unaware of all that at the time (he led to me learning a ton about personality disorders though, which was good). The only thing that kept his behavior in check was that he was very concerned about any potential impact to his career. I was as well, so we were very discrete and had no career impacts even though we of course went typical AP/DA garbage and I felt terrible seeing him every day for months after it ended. But it might prevent this hovering around you while you're unavailable if he's even more afraid of something than his FA abandonment trigger. That could at least get you more of the space you need? I'm not suggesting in a mean or threatening way, but you could say something like someone else asked you if anything is going on between you two and that you're getting uncomfortable with the attention if people are noticing and are thinking about asking HR about the work dating policies 😆 I feel like he would back off real quick but not in a way that could lead to retaliation. Thank you! I am sorry you had to go through that with a narc. That would be the worst. I think with my guy I could probably even have a conversation with him, to end this. He is harmless if I had to compare him to my narcissistic ex for example. I think the biggest fail and why I am so f*cking angry and disappointed in myself is that I want him to hover, of course I want him to hover. Of course I want him to talk to me. I miss him terribly, or my abandonment wounds rather. I feel like a total fool that I can't stop. I mean I am stoic on the outside, but what difference does that make  |
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Post by anne12 on Sept 30, 2021 20:14:34 GMT
Boundarie exercises ? jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40067/Creating a protective bubble jebkinnisonforum.com/post/40963/Letting your inner devine powerfull feminine woman help you. Maybe you can imagine that she is standing beside you or infront of you. What does she want to do ? What does she show you ? And then let her jump/emerge back into your body and notise in what bodypart she enters and sense how it feels in your body now. Know that you can call her any time you need her. Tips for what to do when in a sympathetic state vs in a parasympathetic state jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13006/Heart coherence breathing exercise ? The watertank exercise ? Comforting your inner child: 90% of whats happening is about the old story. Recognize this inside of yourself as it triggers you. You can support yourself by taking care of "little annieb " if you can get in touch with her inside of you. Where can you feel her in the body? Put a hand on the bodypart and say something to her like,: " I'm here for you now. I know you felt abandoned at that time, but I'm here for you now little girl". And then give her a hug. You can also do the water tank exercise to land the nervous system. Healing broken heart, gift giving exercise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/31864/Take your heart back exercise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38701/Breast massage releasing energy - do the breast massage gently but only massaging down on the outside of your breasts and up between your breasts. This direction releases energy. Tightness ect. Alternativly you can put a supportive hand on your heart. The two chair anger exercise jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25648/Chris Griscom color/breathing meditation, if you are angry with or afraid of another person ect.: Imagine the other person or look at the other person. Ask yourself what color she wants from you. But only inside of yourself. Imagine a cloud with this color over your head. Pull the color in together with your inhalation. Send the colour through the solar plexus and over to the other person on exhalation. |
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 20:17:06 GMT
In terms of work consequences. Relationships are actually not taboo at this workplace (this is a Swedish company, so it's ultra liberal). They are encouraged and married couples work here, who have met here. In terms of coworkers noticing, I didn't tell a single soul, but he may have said something. Now that I think about it, I was often referred to, when he was not at work to relay to him. When someone talks to me about him, there is usually a knowing pause. I can't believe I am only piecing this together now.
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 20:19:06 GMT
I am f*cked guys.
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Post by annieb on Sept 30, 2021 20:21:57 GMT
And from what I've heard in the past all his relationships ended with the woman dumping him /screwing him over/ cheating, and if there is a story going around then it is probably that I dumped him.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 30, 2021 20:28:08 GMT
annieb, I think you're being too hard on yourself. Yes, it's good to be realistic and not in a fantasy land so you can hold yourself accountable for your side of things. But that doesn't mean negative talk beating yourself up. Most people like to feel wanted. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting that, and in my opinion it's pretty typical for an AP or FA to go back and maybe get stuck on the last person who they felt offered them that. You've recognized it's not even about him. But you've also noted that your self-trust and your boundaries are not healthy here. In my experience, when I've been in similar mindsets, I'd stay stuck unless and until I forced myself to keep a real boundary and stick to it. It never felt good because I was AP, but out of sight out of mind to the extent possible really does help. The more I did that, the more I practiced and experienced what it was like to "act" healthier and see the results. It did strengthen it, like a muscle, which kept developing in the background on my own road to security. It's really going to be okay. Trust me, I made plenty of mistakes with my work situation, getting involved in the first place, getting attached to someone unavailable (though to his credit he was more forthcoming about being unavailable since he was worried enough about his job to be more honest and respectful than usual with me compared to other stories he'd told me about his past), going through a round of AP protest behavior (which years later I'm still a bit ashamed of but I did have an opportunity to apologize that wasn't even awkward!), and just feeling bad about the entire situation for months. But I learned a lot, too, and came out better for it eventually, though not right away. Once I could process it in context with everything else in my romantic history. So, really, have more grace for yourself, while still taking responsibility for sorting out the boundary pieces.
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Post by annieb on Oct 1, 2021 14:15:21 GMT
Coming back to read all your messages and advice. This is the darkest place I usually go to - the negative self talk and the feeling of self destruction almost. Self hatred. Rock bottom of sorts. I’m very rejection sensitive and wrap my self hatred up in that of someone rejects me. So this is as bad as it gets.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 1, 2021 17:02:41 GMT
annieb, are you doing that because you feel invalidated through perceived rejection? You are repeating someone else's voice in your ear that your worthiness depends on others and you're not worthy? You're trying to cushion the blow in a roundabout way by being meaner to yourself so that no one else can be as mean and therefore can't really abandon you if you convince yourself you have no value?
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Post by annieb on Oct 1, 2021 18:02:09 GMT
annieb , are you doing that because you feel invalidated through perceived rejection? You are repeating someone else's voice in your ear that your worthiness depends on others and you're not worthy? You're trying to cushion the blow in a roundabout way by being meaner to yourself so that no one else can be as mean and therefore can't really abandon you if you convince yourself you have no value? Yes, absolutely, 1000%. You nailed it nailed it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 1, 2021 18:11:38 GMT
I was going to add….it is challenging to move away from this “you somehow say something about me” perspective. I have caught myself so many times beating myself up because I believe somehow I should have known better and because of this magical “I should have known better” perspective…I put all the blame, fault squarely on my shoulders. I don’t know what type of secure type I have in my head…but it isn’t accurate at all….probably due to all my mom’s stoic based advice. Needless to say….I have found the best way to get unstuck is to talk it through…as you are doing here. 🙂
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Post by mrob on Oct 2, 2021 2:41:43 GMT
You’re going alright. Hang in there. I’m grateful you’re here, mashing through all this. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 2, 2021 3:18:39 GMT
You’re going alright. Hang in there. I’m grateful you’re here, mashing through all this. Thank you! I appreciate this space as really the only place to do this. I can't imagine talking about this with anyone. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 2, 2021 4:05:31 GMT
You’re going alright. Hang in there. I’m grateful you’re here, mashing through all this. Thank you! I appreciate this space as really the only place to do this. I can't imagine talking about this with anyone. I have an FA cat who is free to vent to anytime although there is a 50% chance he will leave the room. |
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Post by annieb on Oct 2, 2021 17:26:44 GMT
FA cat is goals.
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Post by annieb on Oct 3, 2021 18:32:49 GMT
It helps to not be at work the last couple days, I was off. Having an easy afternoon, I kind of had an epiphany. I’ve always ran away from my “objects of rejector”; after some back and forth sometimes, but mostly done NC and put oceans in between, etc. I think probably all very typical FA and DA behavior. And AP. I’ve done it all I seems. Then it occurred to me that this is a chance for me to really see this as an opportunity to remain. To really see that it’s me rejecting me. Like alexandra said be meaner to me than anyone else to devalue myself to justify the rejection. And for once I can be kind to myself and remain in the presence of my rejector and maybe see where I end and he begins a little clearer. Boundaries are self esteem and lack of boundaries is other esteem. Sometimes I get to experience that healthy self esteem. It’s such a joy.
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