Need Help.

I'll update my little story here. I happened to work with the object of my affection this week, although unplanned. He's also called me on the phone and texted a bunch, and I have responded and communicated with him, outside of work. He's been very affectionate verbally. You could mistake this for a full on courtship. And as resolved as I was, it was starting to bend me, so I needed to put a stop to it. My goal is to make my life comfortable, because I cannot take any of this anymore. Anyway, thankfully, a very chatty coworker revealed that the guy is now in a confirmed relationship (although he has flirted heavily with me, and texted and called the last two weeks), and when I asked him about it (I felt like I had to to get my peace), he confirmed it, he said it was someone long distance, he met 10 years ago. But that it was very hard. Poor guy has FA written all over him. But so do I. Who am I to judge? Smart as I am now having done this dance several times, I never offer unsolicited opinion on the phantom ex fantasy and the rest. I certainly remember dating the Swedish man at 34, a man I had met eighteen years prior. My object of affection is the same age as I was then. I was just starting my recovery so to speak, glimpses of therapy.

I attempted to have the draw boundaries talk at work yesterday and have the conversation there with him, but it came out wrong and I was too emotional to say anything beyond that it "sucked for me". Not my proudest moment by any means and even though I had thought through in detail as what to say, I wasn't able to do it. I was feeling the self pity and jealousy of him being in a relationship. I was annoyed with myself for sure.

Still I waited a day and then in a fashion I regret, but what seemed the only viable option in the moment due to my fear and pain, I texted an agreement with him, and he agreed to abide by my wishes to not flirt at work, and to not call me anything, but my name. I have no intention to talk to him outside of work whatsoever, and if he does start texting (which he won't now I believe for a good month), hopefully by then I will have moved on completely. I am deliberately working through this, and reaching out to friends about it, them supporting me, etc. Something I haven't done that much in the past. And how great is that support!

Thank you, Alexandra. I feel nowadays I belong to a secret club with secret knowledge. How much I am aware of everything around me and confirmed unmistakably by the forum members and my wise friends.

What a brilliant observation of the unavailability aspect of introducing the long distance girlfriend for a good measure. In my incoherent speech I may have mentioned that he never said he was looking for a relationship, and that he in fact was in a relationship and he was quick to correct me that not until the end of October that it was confirmed. That it was very recent. I can’t tell you how ridiculous this all is. Because the way he said it it was super sweet and he almost jumped forward to correct me and this man was full of love for me or appeared to be anyway, had I not belonged to this club, I would have probably just hugged and kissed him. And here I am knowing the truth. Gosh I feel the burden of knowledge. Or is it healing? Or maybe both. I never thought of the weight of it. I always thought that healing would be light. But here is is heavy as all f*ck.

annieb Poor guy has FA written all over him. But so do I. Who am I to judge?

The difference is that you’re doing something about it rather than going around in a circle of ignorance, and that’s huge.

I’ve also decided to dip my toes into online dating on hinge. I feel like maybe it’s time to exercise some of my new found boundary setting ability. 😅 And that’s been interesting. I was trying to set up one date with someone who appeared a lovely man, and I kept going into sensory overload over it and not being able to organize. He called me out on it 😂. We ended up connecting and it was nice, albeit late and cold. We had a great conversation at an outdoor heated bar in which I proceeded to have one single drink over two and a half hours (as to being afraid to lose control probably). I was nervous, but it went well. He was nervous and funny. We talked about all kinds of things, our childhoods, our work, we connected on at least a friendship level for sure. And more. I asked him almost by the end what is one singular absolute worst thing about him, I sometimes ask that on dates and boy have the answers been enlightening!
And he said that the one worst thing about him is probably that he is autistic.
Well, I’ll be darned, but I didn’t pick up on it at all!!! My jaw literally dropped. I’m usually intuitive (read controlling 😅) and I suss out people like nobody’s business.
But maybe for the first time I let the chips fall as they may and lol and behold, I had fun 😀
After the date he was talkative over text and then kind of got weird and I swear disappeared mid conversation.
I called him on it a day later and asked what’s going on, to which he responded we were good, and he just needed to “regroup”. I was laughing, because that’s what you expect with online dating nowadays. Anyway, I wished him to feel better and dropped it. Erased the number, kind of almost forgot about him, and then of course got a text.
He wanted to organize to meet me, but no set time, annoyed me and basically caused a major miscommunication. I then organized a date fir Saturday with time a d date and reservations. Maybe controlling of me, but I have a schedule 😑. He proceeded to meet a “friend” instead of me last night due to the misunderstanding, I guess.. But I will see him on Saturday and if he is a no show I will write and entry here instead while sipping Prosecco and eating oysters (I made reservations at a place I would be more than happy to eat alone just in case). But I’ve been too happy being alone. If you know what I mean. Trying to put myself out there.
He is a scientist, we both have ADHD, he is autistic, I have no idea what I’m doing, what could go wrong?

Also found out that my coworker crush’s long distance girlfriend is his cousin’s ex wife. Not just any other woman from “his” past.

I can’t make this up. Happy Tuesday!

You've got me laughing this (is it Wednesday?)morning!
He's a scientist, we both have adhd, he's autistic, what could go wrong? And eating oysters, I'm ded.😂😂😂

Keep us posted!

Yes, absolutely, I think that's one reason I'm drawn to him, as I feel totally myself and like I can trust him? My only fear is that I don't infantilize him. Fear.   Other than that at work my best friend at is autistic and there is usually not much bs with her. It's almost that she is actually more sensitive to clues than the all mighty "neurotypicals". And the way conversation is with this guy is also not that much different and for me it's easier to "read between the lines" with him. He does use quite a bit of "therapy lingo", which I find amusing. 

That's pretty funny. But I bet the odds are higher than you think with the where you are in the process like attracting like type thing. Definitely curious if he has any "professional" opinions to add that are new or contrary to what we unprofessionally cover on this forum!