Need Help.

So far I haven’t toppled off the pedestal he’s put me on. He still thinks I’m the sh*t. 😅

A little update on my new man, still not starting a new thread on him lol. For some reason I don’t feel like I have “questions” like I used to in regards to relationships and this relationship in general. While we have the insecure dynamic play out on a loop every two weeks it seems, we are still very happy. And while I’ve definitely been hurt by his actions (emotionally), I seem to have a newfound ability to remain in pain. Gosh, this sounds terrible. But hear me out. I stay through highly uncomfortable feelings without much of a fight or flight impulse. And more of a peaceful resolve. And not in a masochistic sense either. I must also say that he has not activated my abandonment the way my two previous dating situations did. I don’t know if it is because I have stronger feelings for him or if he is more “secure”. If anything he is way more aware of his actions and can correct himself if he knows he messed up. And so do I. I’ve had no problem quickly apologizing and moving on. Or believing him when he explains to me something I find sketchy, etc. I’ve felt manipulated and I’ve felt all those terrible insecure attachment things with him already, but we have been able to cycle through them quickly.

I think I'm confused about why people are giving kudos to DA's? Am I missing something?

Thanks Krolle, you're spot on. There's also a tongue in cheek reference to how DA often get put on a pedestal by other insecure types... but a serious reference to how we are LOVABLE TOO. I'm DA and I led the kudos. We get a lot of smack. Standing by the kudos for a an aware DA. 😉

Update on the new DA man. We’ve celebrated our four month dating anniversary with a dinner and a play, we were absolutely the happiest and almost the most miserable in the same day 😃. We started with a wonderful dinner both happy and dressed up, and ended with an interactive play that takes place on the dark, and while I’ve mentioned to him that I am fully night blind in one eye and have only some night vision in the other, he must have forgotten, he promptly abandoned me at the beginning of this play, and went off to explore (which is customary for this play, people get separated during it and follow different audience groups), at which point I was left to navigate on my own and I ended up repeating a random loop about five times and ending up in the same place; and I didn’t want to cause panic, but I could not find any staff and not finding a bathroom and getting anxious I ended up peeing my pants 🤓. Then I finally got out of the loop and took an Uber to Marshalls that was open for the last half hour and bought some sweatpants and things to clean up with; and then managed to clean up and felt better and then texted him that I had to leave and that I was ready to pick him up.

During this play they disable your phone, so we weren’t able yo connect right away, but then he finally texted me. He was upset that I had left and went into a blame accepting and blame shifting tirade. It was really cold outside and I already felt like I would be getting a cold the next day, but I really truly already got over the whole thing and just wanted to go home and I was even in a good mood still until he proceeded to perceive that I abandoned him and he left the venue without telling me which direction he is headed and saying that I should just go home; I chased him through the NYC subway system to tell him that I love him and wanted to spend the evening together despite the hiccup. I asked him if he wanted to and he said yes.

We connected and spent the evening together in silence despite me trying to lighten the mood with jokes (that I found hilarious myself). Contempt and resentment are the best words I can find to describe what he seems like he feels towards me, when he goes silent. I can’t help, but think that it’s an overreaction. This type of scenario has played out several times already. And it seems it’s playing out with even higher frequency than at the beginning. We are rapid cycling in some sort of FA DA who knows what. And yet we are still talking and we still love each other. I am consciously and actively engaging with him and each of our interaction usually starts out great and then ends up either with a meltdown or a silence..

He says that I’m contributing to this more than I think I do. Look, it’s quite possible; but when I recount my steps I don’t think so. My therapist also doesn’t think so and I feel like I have a good grip on myself. I worry that there will be a moment in which his contempt will transfer to me and it will erode my self esteem. Not that there was so much of it to begin with, but there was definitely some solid strides I had made towards self confidence.

There was a moment about three weeks ago when he abruptly stopped drinking, and good for him, and he started actively exercising and I let my routine slip and I gained a few pounds; at which point I felt I was becoming codependent. I felt like some transference had happened. And I needed to ha regroup. I am better now and back to my routine.

I don’t know what future holds. I don’t know what will happen with this man, but I don’t think I would be otherwise interested in anybody else anyway. There are so many great qualities about him, that it’s hard to reconcile this incredibly sad insecure attachment dynamic that we unfortunately have and I don’t think we can get out of without professional help. Every time I have my therapy I have a better outlook and I know that I actively choose to engage, I feel powerful in that knowledge. It feels like I need to increase my therapy frequency to maybe every week instead of every other week, or maybe at least three times a month. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I remember last summer while I was hung up on my work colleague I was still overall happier, but I think now I’m a little bummed. Yet I don’t think I’m losing touch with reality so to speak. I feel very grounded nevertheless.

I know which play you're describing, and I went once years ago with a friend. We intended to stay together but that was impossible basically immediately, even without vision challenges! The environment just isn't conducive unless you're able to hold hands the entire time. I'm sorry you weren't able to fully enjoy the show, and I think it actually says a lot that you were able to leave, problem-solve some cleanup, and not be overwhelmed or upset by the stress of all that happening.

I agree with what username says about contempt. I've dated enough avoidants with that go to defense mechanism (even when it's out of shame for feeling bad and feeling some responsibility for a situation not going as planned), and when I was AP this could destroy my self-esteem over time. If it's getting worse and not better, which it might be since you said the cycles for it happening are getting shorter, then it's possible that even though you're both in therapy, you're further along than him in your own process.

The repair on situations like this is really important. It's okay to have disagreements, but how does he come back around to repair with you after? Does he take responsibility and take actions to do better next time? Instead of just paying lip service by apologizing in words but then repeating in actions with no actual changes or adjustments? There's your side of how you handle things, like not taking things personally which don't need to be taken personally, but that doesn't mean subjecting yourself to repetitive and unchanging disrespect. So how you're both working together to resolve and repair after conflict is something you may need to discuss with him at a time when he's not triggered... maybe he'd be willing to go to a couple therapy appointments with you about it?

You upping your own therapy may be okay instead of a bad sign. You've been working on yourself outside of a relationship, being in one when you're still dealing with insecure attachment issues is a lot more triggering though giving you a lot more opportunity to learn. I'd see this as a yellow flag for now, that if you feel the need to permanently keep your therapy appointments far more frequent for the duration of the relationship then maybe it's not the right one for you. But as a temporary thing when you haven't been in a relationship for a while and are adjusting, yellow flag to keep in the back of your head, needing more information before it turns all out red.