FWB, DA ex and boundaries

I'm proud of you too, that's huge. I went back to get some backstory from your previous posts- IDK if he's the guy you were posting about before but it sounds like you handled this with great self respect.

As far as what goes on in his mind- who really knows but at face value, he may really believe that sex is a way back into being "together", as more than FWB. It's absurd, of course, to go at it this way but indicative of a stunted emotional capacity. On the other hand, he could be purely manipulative... thinking that dangling the carrot of potential in front of you would get you to drop your pants for him. I'm sure that's worked before for him, and sometimes these guys just throw stuff like that out there to see what they can get. Good on you that you know your boundaries and are now able to clearly state them and back them up!

It's not uncommon for any insecure type, AP, FA, DA, to use sex as a back door to potential relationship. It just looks different. I can't tell you how many AP I've read about here who have sex while getting breadcrumbs emotionally hoping some day it will turn into more, in some cases even when their sex partner/potential relationship person has told them they don't want more. Or, have sex ongoing without signs of commitment, consistency, and the relationship they say they want, hoping for it to turn into what they want at some point.

Avoidants may do this, as well. Create a sense of intimacy and stability with a regular FWB, without going deeper into the unknown and uncomfortable territory of real intimacy, consistency, and commitment. All the while claiming they want or don't want whatever... and staying on the fence in a forever limbo state. As if somehow they will just develop the capacity to do it "right".

Maybe at some point you will have the opportunity to ask him what exactly is on his mind in that regard. I've done that with guys who held dubious positions and it just further turned me off to hear the weird things they actually were thinking- it's like seeing something broken in the clear light of day. Yup, got a good look at that and yup, clearly broken. Kills any denial that could have been lurking if you know what I mean.

At any rate, you did good! When you stop tolerating what you don't want you make room in your life for what you do want.

That's terrific, midnight77, you did the right thing. It took a lot the first time I defended my boundaries in a healthy way with someone emotionally unhealthy for me, and it got easier and easier to do so from there.

One thing I wanted to add which wasn't mentioned, is someone can seem to waltz in and out without seeming to realize how much time passed because of getting stuck in their own processing of emotions and events in their own lives. So insecure attachers often either don't process or don't fully process or process on a big delay, which can also lead back to what you've experienced. One of my FA exes told me his feelings for exes never change, which I later realized means he's never processing his feelings or fully getting over things (which can make him check back on others or have phantom exes). When I was AP, I also had real difficulty getting over crushes or guys who dumped me, and that was why in retrospect. Even though I didn't pop back up to offer sex and downgrade the situation. But I think that comes from a combination of needing validation and going through the "roladex" for it, probably some phantom ex pining with enough distance, and wanting physical intimacy but still being afraid of total intimacy so trying to figure out an indirect and non-committal way to get there so it feels okay to their own nervous system and emotional regulation (close but not too close). All of this may be conscious (that suggests a crappier person) or subconscious (that's an unaware and emotionally immature person). So yes, ultimately, understanding the motivations don't really matter as the outcome is the same: they put themselves first and you won't get what you're really looking for out of the situation.

Thanks for your replies!
alexandra I used to definitely do that (not realizing how much time passed and being stuck in emotion processing for way too long) and I still experience it oftentimes so I can understand pretty well how it works...It makes sense. He probably felt the enormous distance I put between him and me (I basically cut him off from any social media) and felt like he should try and see if I still was an option in his life...whatever!
annieb thank you! I would say that my healing started well before my last breakup, so it appears as if this breakup did not actually nullify the progress I had made in the past two years, luckily! Every time I will have doubts and regrets about the decision and the boundaries set, I will come back here and read your comments!

krolle thank you! I don't think I will never know his true intentions because I believe he himself has no idea about what he wants...During our conversation he seemed overwhelmed with emotions, trying to apologize in weird ways, offering sex and then asking "what if I want something serious from you now?" after my rejection.
I don't know if he will try to make up things again in a proper way or if he will totally disappear, it's just unpredictable. My assumption is that the boundaries I set just took him by surprise and kind of scared him.
Indeed, in case he shows up and tries to connect again I will be very very very cautious.

Actions over time, is the only way to really know someone and their intentions. All of this very well said! And, true the other way too. Women who are unavailable but want attention and your time have a different ploy perhaps but still a ploy. Actions over time.

I just went through this. The madness is being discussed in detail on my here we go again thread.

As you rightly said he likely doesn't know what he wants himself. And that doesn't make him a bad person. Just someone that can't be trusted in a relationship. He sounds like me. And I can't be trusted.

Very strong boundaries on your part I think are good.

In my head I so badly want to commit. to love and be loved. But my nervous system and subconscious rag my conscious around like a doll at the mercy of wild stallions. It's your right to decide if that's a risk you are willing to take. I'm sure there are examples of this stuff working out. just rarely without insight and work.

In situations like this I think of the fable of the scorpion and the frog.

Sounds about right.

I think the problem is a lot of it is subconscious. So self awareness is a start. But it's a conscious attempt to control a subconscious problem. Which just doesn't work in my opinion. It's like there are only so much reserves of will power before it gets swamped by the enormous force of the subconscious.

I believe that Thais gibson has it at least partially right when she says the way to interact with the subconscious is through repetition and emotion. But I have found that hard to work practically with.