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Post by Hypatia on Nov 20, 2021 3:52:15 GMT
Hi everyone
I’m really suffering quite a lot after a breakup with my ex (we were together for 10 months), who fits all the characteristics of an FA. We were together for ten months, and when he met he was 33 and hadn’t had a relationship since he was 20 years old. He just causally hooked up, never got attached. With me, he said he really wanted a relationship, he was ready, he wanted this. He was fantastic. He showered me with attention, praise, gifts, activities. I never had such an adoring partner. There were red flags and I completely ignored them...like me being his first real girlfriend, that by 6 months he couldn’t say he loved me (he said he thigh to he felt it, wasn’t sure what love was, wasn’t ready to say it). In rare conflicts he would leave and not speak to me for days, I’d have to go and make peace and sooth things over. But most of the time it was really, really great.
He introduced me to his entire family via Skype. We talked often. By month 8 we had discussed moving in together, and though we were both scared and nervous he said “our life together will be great”. He said he loved me a few times. We even discussed eloping, moving away somewhere new together.I felt secure. We moved in together and two months later it completely imploded.
We got into one small argument...I mentioned that I did most of the work around the house...and he wouldn’t speak to me for two days. He was actively hostile towards me. Then he suddenly announced he was breaking up with me, in an angry and mean way. I was hysterical. He left, he talked to his parents who calmed him down, then he returned like nothing had happened and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him...and then got upset again when I didn’t immediately respond positively. Then for the next ten days we were in limbo...he suddenly announced all of these problems he had with the relationship (that he previously said was perfect) and it was awkward and uncomfortable. Then he came up to me and said he’s done, he’s going, nothing can change his mind. The kind, calm, gentle, adoring man immediately became hostile, cruel, aggressive, and shut me out. He wouldn’t respond to my messages, he blocked me entirely. He wouldn’t give me a real reason other than “I don’t love you”...which I don’t know is true or not but I guess it doesn’t matter. He refused to discuss anything. So two months after we started a life together he just up and left. I don’t even know where he lives in the city now.
I am absolutely devastated. I love him, I was committed to him. It’s been two months since we broke up, one month since we “spoke”. He has asked a friend about me, he said he’s very sad and misses me but he’s glad he left and he’s happy alone. It was so sudden, I had no idea he even had any issues or problems in our relationship, he never once told me. I don’t even know how to process this.
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Post by anne12 on Nov 20, 2021 4:21:30 GMT
You are in shok You can try to read these posts jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38626/ - how to deal with a sudden breakup Fas can end things aruptly Maybe he got into panic mode by the close contact and he acted from the reptile part of his brain “PANIC - they do not have a strategy - that's why it is called desorganised. They go into panic mode - they want to Be close and distant at the same time. They get frigtent at an instinktive level. They can go into flight, and shut down and move away or start a fight. Or suddenly collapse into freeze. They often cant even remember what just happend or how they have acted or what they have said, because they acted from the primitive reptile part of their brain….” |
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 20, 2021 4:32:23 GMT
You are in shok You can try to read these posts jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38626/ - how to deal with a sudden breakup Fas can end things aruptly Maybe he got into panic mode by the close contact and he acted from the reptile part of his brain “PANIC - they do not have a strategy - that's why it is called desorganised. They go into panic mode - they want to Be close and distant at the same time. They get frigtent at an instinktive level. They can go into flight, and shut down and move away or start a fight. Or suddenly collapse into freeze. They often cant even remember what just happend or how they have acted or what they have said, because they acted from the primitive reptile part of their brain….” Maybe! But he was so extremely mean and cruel, like he was intentionally sabotaging any possibility of us communicating in the future. And then he blocked me. And this man adored me. Everyone who saw us together thought he would propose any day. We really got along well. Or so I thought. It’s like he absolutely hates me now and has no feelings for me. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 20, 2021 4:38:23 GMT
Or he could be a narc. They lovebomb.
When people are in their threat responce (fight) they can say the meanest things unfortuanetly. Try to not take it personally. It’s about something from his past.
Theres a Long thread in the general Forum about healing desorganised attatchmentstyle - where you can get an impression of whats going on in his nerveussystem if he is fa
Saying I love you this early is just a projection and it is not recommended to say it that fast
Write down all the red flags that you missed. And maybe think about (later) why you had the need to move so fast with a guy who never been in a relationship
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 20, 2021 5:00:51 GMT
Or he could be a narc. They lovebomb. When in their threat responce (fight) people can say the meanest things unfortuanetly. Try to not take it personally. It’s about something from his past. Theres a Long thread in the general Forum about healing desorganised attatchmentstyle - where you can get an impression of whats going on in his nerveussystem if he is fa Saying I love you this early is just a projection and it is not recommended to say it that fast Write down all the red flags that you missed. And maybe think about (later) why you had the need to move so fast with a guy who never been in a relationship His avoidance of conflict and relationships, his running away pattern, makes me think he’s an FA, not many narc tendencies. I turned what he offered (a picture book romance) into a fantasy in my head. And I’m AP, so it hurts/burns so much more. |
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Post by anne12 on Nov 20, 2021 5:15:18 GMT
Those good damn crushing hormones can make people blind. Maybe you notise something (a red flag) in a split second but then you forget about it again … Fa can work in therapy with Uncoupling the Drive to Survive from the Instinct to Bond (with caregivers) Even if you cant talk to him, there is something that you can do instead. It is normal to grieve and to be sad…and it can be extra tough also when the past interferes with the precent. I hope you can find some comforting tips and words in this thread. Take Care. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1169/healing-broken-before-changing-partner |
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Post by mrob on Nov 23, 2021 23:56:07 GMT
Textbook FA. I’ve done all those things, and have been at the receiving end. It’s hard, but you’ll find the answers here.
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 24, 2021 5:06:13 GMT
Textbook FA. I’ve done all those things, and have been at the receiving end. It’s hard, but you’ll find the answers here. Did you regret it? Do you think he will ever feel bad, ever regret what he did? I know he won’t reach out; at least I truly don’t expect him to. But I’m curious, as an FA, do you experience pain/regret/loss after time? |
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Post by mrob on Nov 24, 2021 7:39:56 GMT
If he’s FA he may. He may then reach out, but if you re-engage the same push/pull with likely happen again. Look at my first posts 5 years ago to see a partially aware FA in action.
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Post by stitchfull on Nov 24, 2021 15:15:08 GMT
Sorry to hear this Hypatia. I hope you're alright. I'm in a similar situation following a break up with someone who I suspect is an FA. I'm trying to work on myself to get to a point where if he comes back, great, if not, I'll be okay nonetheless.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2021 17:08:45 GMT
If you want a fulfilling, committed relationship that's a real partnership through better or worse, you simply cannot keep turning back to someone who treats you as disposable, no matter their reasons for doing so. To foster the idea that they can or will change for you if you show them undying love (addiction) is to harbor an unrealistic fantasy. I'm not saying it's simple to decline further interaction with someone's who's treated you this horrendously, I'm saying that should be the goal instead of reconciliation. If you want a good relationship, that is. The attachment roller coaster is unhealthy and destructive in adult relationships. There is no happy every after with someone who ends your relationship. Period.
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 25, 2021 5:03:09 GMT
I also think a key is whether someone is aware and doing work to address their relationship insecurities or whether they are just all talk but doing the same things over and over again. Also….it is really important to consider how your AP tendencies may have prolonged the unhealthy relationship so that you can work on those. I am an FA who leans AP in relationships so I completely get the wanting to see if things will change and adapting to the highs and lows in order to not rock the boat. You are certainly welcome to read my story by going back through my posts. I too came here because of a breakup with an avoidant leaning FA. He and I also dated 10 months…I was his longest girlfriend at the time and for some reason, the length of time we were together mattered more then the quality of our relationship. This is one way that I abandoned myself…looking at the relationship through the lens of moments and length of time versus looking at the whole relationship and whether it was consistent, stable and mutual.
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 25, 2021 6:05:36 GMT
If you want a fulfilling, committed relationship that's a real partnership through better or worse, you simply cannot keep turning back to someone who treats you as disposable, no matter their reasons for doing so. To foster the idea that they can or will change for you if you show them undying love (addiction) is to harbor an unrealistic fantasy. I'm not saying it's simple to decline further interaction with someone's who's treated you this horrendously, I'm saying that should be the goal instead of reconciliation. If you want a good relationship, that is. The attachment roller coaster is unhealthy and destructive in adult relationships. There is no happy every after with someone who ends your relationship. Period. You’re right, and I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again. He took my part of our deposit and walked out on me after two months of living together. There’s really no coming back from that. |
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Post by Hypatia on Nov 25, 2021 6:07:20 GMT
Sorry to hear this Hypatia. I hope you're alright. I'm in a similar situation following a break up with someone who I suspect is an FA. I'm trying to work on myself to get to a point where if he comes back, great, if not, I'll be okay nonetheless. I’m on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist weekly. Doing work on inner child, as I have huge abandonment issues. It’s so f-ing hard. I feel like I was tossed away like garbage. |
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Post by krolle on Nov 26, 2021 0:05:21 GMT
Sorry to hear this Hypatia. I hope you're alright. I'm in a similar situation following a break up with someone who I suspect is an FA. I'm trying to work on myself to get to a point where if he comes back, great, if not, I'll be okay nonetheless. I’m on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist weekly. Doing work on inner child, as I have huge abandonment issues. It’s so f-ing hard. I feel like I was tossed away like garbage. Yeah I feel you. it literally makes you feel like garbage when this happens. So disposable. I described the way I felt to a friend recently after it happened to me and the word I used was worthless. But that's flawed thinking on our part. The discard is mostly to do with their subconscious. Being on the other side of things. I had previous partners that were absolutely beautiful, and kind and just wonderful women in so many ways I should have considered myself unbelievably lucky that they were interested in me. But my nervous system had other ideas. It convinced me to only my see their flaws, and then the inability to deal with feelings of guilt and shame made me basically ignore that I might be hurting them by leaving. Instead convincing me that they were not right in some way, or too clingy, or too this, or too that..... It really is a total mind F**k for both parties. Though having experienced both sides, the anxious side is by far the most exquisitely painful to be on. But there are pros and cons to everything. It's the anxious side that pushes most of us to search for answers and end up here. In other words after time is a factor, you are the one most likely to end up in a satisfying relationship if you do the right things. Whereas an unaware avoidant will likely continue to feel distant, lonely and unfulfilled. And not search for answers to fix it. In short your pain will likely be an asset long term. Also be aware, most of us struggle or struggled with this. I find a familiar pattern on this forum is that many of us are able to help someone else, and sound knowledgeable and eloquent when we do. But in the threads we start ourselves we sound like desperate children, heart broken and confused. You will find a little solace in the shared pain and communication offered here. It's a good place to process how you feel and gain understanding. |
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