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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2021 19:18:12 GMT
Honestly, so many insecure relationships would crumble almost immediately if it were required the parties meet face to face to truly connect and also to resolve conflict. Insecure entanglements thrive on unavailable, drama filled communications via text. Typing into a device is the worst way to go if you want a real, intimate, vulnerable and meaningful connection with a true partner. But if you're looking to sustain an unhealthy narrative, block intimacy, and leave a whole lot up to imagination text is the way to go! Yikes, this rings so true. We felt like soul mates before we met, but upon meeting there was immediate drama and insecurity...I actually almost walked away but we had that deep "otherworldly' connection foundation that formed via text, so I kept trying.
Even though what you say is true, I do not think either of us will ever regret the connection we did have in person. It was actually quite nice in many ways at times once we settled in more with face to face, but there was a strange sense to me that our bond was still based more on the text connection, which ended up being a sort of alter-ego to the relationship that would judge me and confuse me. Add to that some intense genuine chemistry and it was quite a roller coaster...
I guess one might say that forming a relationship via text is much like writing a novel. Nice story, not true. Enjoyable for its purpose but still fiction. |
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Post by krolle on Dec 14, 2021 22:20:27 GMT
Fantasy. An Insecure reality
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Post by happydaze on Dec 19, 2021 17:48:45 GMT
My ex has crafted a narrative where she says I never cared. Am beginning to wonder whether she had more issues than I realized, but I do understand she is hurting more than I am and may require this to move on.
Meanwhile, I plan on working on my relationship to myself. It's what I was supposed to do after my divorce anyway.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2021 19:11:38 GMT
My ex has crafted a narrative where she says I never cared. Am beginning to wonder whether she had more issues than I realized, but I do understand she is hurting more than I am and may require this to move on. Meanwhile, I plan on working on my relationship to myself. It's what I was supposed to do after my divorce anyway. This isn’t necessarily pointing to issues within her….this more likely is a step in her getting closure from the relationship….especially if she is AP or even an AP leaning FA, she will have built up a fantasy of you during the relationship and now that you two are no longer together, she is analyzing things differently (in essence going to the other extreme). It is not a surprise to me as I have had to do this with guys I dated that were FA in order to break my fantasy of them. I would suggest if the two of you are in contact…it would be best for both of you to go no contact while you each work on yourself. |
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Post by mrob on Dec 20, 2021 4:47:53 GMT
Yikes, this rings so true. We felt like soul mates before we met, but upon meeting there was immediate drama and insecurity...I actually almost walked away but we had that deep "otherworldly' connection foundation that formed via text, so I kept trying.
Even though what you say is true, I do not think either of us will ever regret the connection we did have in person. It was actually quite nice in many ways at times once we settled in more with face to face, but there was a strange sense to me that our bond was still based more on the text connection, which ended up being a sort of alter-ego to the relationship that would judge me and confuse me. Add to that some intense genuine chemistry and it was quite a roller coaster...
I guess one might say that forming a relationship via text is much like writing a novel. Nice story, not true. Enjoyable for its purpose but still fiction. I’d go so far as to say the same for LDR or FIFO situations as well. |
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Post by stitchfull on Dec 20, 2021 11:39:13 GMT
That's really interesting about drama filled communications via text! Is there a reason why this is? My gut feeling is that it's because people feel more comfortable (especially avoidants?) expressing their thoughts and feelings via text than on the phone/ in person.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 20, 2021 12:29:28 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2021 15:21:47 GMT
That's really interesting about drama filled communications via text! Is there a reason why this is? My gut feeling is that it's because people feel more comfortable (especially avoidants?) expressing their thoughts and feelings via text than on the phone/ in person. No, not especially avoidants, just insecure and unavailable (which definitely includes AP, who are as unavailable to intimate secure relating as any other type. ) Insecure relationships are built on fantasy, and what better way to play that out than over text instead of real life. So much doesn't have to be dealt with, reality doesn't have to pop the bubble, and you literally don't have to show up, real and vulnerable. It might FEEL real but only to a person who isn't accustomed to vulnerable, accountable, assertive and available interactions. |
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Post by krolle on Dec 20, 2021 15:47:05 GMT
That's really interesting about drama filled communications via text! Is there a reason why this is? My gut feeling is that it's because people feel more comfortable (especially avoidants?) expressing their thoughts and feelings via text than on the phone/ in person. When I'm in my avoidant side I usually prefer text bevause it gives me greater control over the situation. For both ethical and nefarious reasons. Nefarious things might be that it gives me an easier time lying, gaslighting and manipulating. Which are harder to do convincingly in person/over the phone. More innocent things are that it allows me to have time to analyse what us being said and check if something is making me feel uncomfortable or there are hidden meanings. I have poor boundaries and am a people pleaser. So in person or over the phone I tend to be on autopilot, disocciated and distracted by the intense nature of real time human interaction. Basically in fight or flight. Remember as an FA with significant trust wounds I am constantly scanning with meticulous subconscious detail any threat that you might pose. Every interaction is an intense arms race of trying to work out if you're lying and what you want to take from me/use me for. And perhaps, ashamedly what I can get from you. Or how weak your own boundaries are. Much of this is subconscious and I only feel it as a distinct sense of fatigue and unease. Texting helps mitigate that somewhat.. but indeed in an unhealthy way as has been said. When I'm in my anxious side I want to call and meet up because my main drive is to re-establish connection. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 20, 2021 15:50:09 GMT
That's really interesting about drama filled communications via text! Is there a reason why this is? My gut feeling is that it's because people feel more comfortable (especially avoidants?) expressing their thoughts and feelings via text than on the phone/ in person. I think that all insecurely attached individuals can get sucked into drama texting. If things get too intense….one or both parties can simply stop replying. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2021 16:09:37 GMT
*Anyone reading, please don't infer that all avoidants prefer text for nefarious reasons such as lying, gaslighting, and manipulating. These are conscious control tactics which are not necessarily employed in the avoidant attachment style.
I have preferred text out of hestitation, ambiguity about the situation, and to hold it back while I try to figure my own self out - do I want to, Am I capable, am I interested?
Other than that I can't say I've had any interest in nefarious activities, it's been more of just an insecure way of relating.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2021 16:47:39 GMT
I had a longish (a few months?) pen pal thing with a guy that I met on a dating site. We went on a date and we were going to keep it casual- but never met up because we were both very avoidant.
I emailed him regularly, sharing pictures of my hikes and whatnot, we would tell stories back and forth, with the idea that someday when the time was right we would meet up. We both made a lot of excuses and he was also experiencing a health issue. Ultimately, I called a stop to it because I knew I was hiding out from in person relating in my whole life. He was avoidant as I, it clearly went both ways. We were both lonely but unavailable.
Later on, he reached out to try to kindle something but I had grown past it. But that situation was the epitome of unavailable "connection". I derived a sense of not totally being alone, while essentially being very isolated and alone. It was kind of weird looking back.
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Post by krolle on Dec 20, 2021 17:50:08 GMT
*Anyone reading, please don't infer that all avoidants prefer text for nefarious reasons such as lying, gaslighting, and manipulating. These are conscious control tactics which are not necessarily employed in the avoidant attachment style. I have preferred text out of hestitation, ambiguity about the situation, and to hold it back while I try to figure my own self out - do I want to, Am I capable, am I interested? Other than that I can't say I've had any interest in nefarious activities, it's been more of just an insecure way of relating. In my particular case they were not conscious. If they were I would have been unlikely to engage in them. Even now when I do that kind of thing it takes me some quiet serious introspection to realise I'm doing it. The same goes for when my empathy shuts down or I engage in compulsive lying. Perhaps nefarious was the wrong word. I cannot say what all other people with an avoidant side experience. Only tell my personal experience as candidly as I can. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2021 18:09:41 GMT
*Anyone reading, please don't infer that all avoidants prefer text for nefarious reasons such as lying, gaslighting, and manipulating. These are conscious control tactics which are not necessarily employed in the avoidant attachment style. I have preferred text out of hestitation, ambiguity about the situation, and to hold it back while I try to figure my own self out - do I want to, Am I capable, am I interested? Other than that I can't say I've had any interest in nefarious activities, it's been more of just an insecure way of relating. In my particular case they were not conscious. If they were I would have been unlikely to engage in them. Even now when I do that kind of thing it takes me some quiet serious introspection to realise I'm doing it. The same goes for when my empathy shuts down or I engage in compulsive lying. Perhaps nefarious was the wrong word. I cannot say what all other people with an avoidant side experience. Only tell my personal experience as candidly as I can. I think the word nefarious was the problem then. The post (in my perspective) sounded predatory, intentional. |
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Post by krolle on Dec 20, 2021 22:45:30 GMT
In my particular case they were not conscious. If they were I would have been unlikely to engage in them. Even now when I do that kind of thing it takes me some quiet serious introspection to realise I'm doing it. The same goes for when my empathy shuts down or I engage in compulsive lying. Perhaps nefarious was the wrong word. I cannot say what all other people with an avoidant side experience. Only tell my personal experience as candidly as I can. I think the word nefarious was the problem then. The post (in my perspective) sounded predatory, intentional. That's a fair appraisal. The nature of insight and intention is a difficult concept ethically. There was certainly no conscious predatory intent in my actions. But the behaviours are still undesirable and damaging. I have lied, gaslit and manipulated unconsciously when I am triggered both avoidant and anxious. usually out of a feeling of desperation or dissociation, or fear of reprisal when in an abusive relationship. Examples of lying through text would be something like saying: "I didn't answer your text until now because I was at work all day" when in reality I wasn't. I was just overwhelmed and needed space and time to recuperate and think. But because I am a people pleaser I find it difficult to say what I want. So I used lying to circumvent that difficulty. Would you describe that as nefarious. Probably not. But if you get found out it can destroy trust. And if you don't, can create a habit of telling casual lies to avoid difficult conversations. |
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