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Post by stitchfull on Dec 15, 2021 13:48:01 GMT
Has anyone tried to speak to an FA-ex about attachment styles successfully? As I'm writing this, I'm not 100% sure myself on why I would want to do this. I definitely know I do not want to try to reconcile on under-coupled terms nor go back to what we had. But, I would be open to keeping the door open for the future if that makes sense.
I know that achieving secure needs to be done on the individual's own terms but as he's quite self-aware and into psychology, perhaps he's already a self-aware FA. Right now, I'm in no contact, several weeks following a break up due to push-pull dynamic. I won't act on this soon if I decide to do so and make sure it's coming from a calm place, it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. I'd appreciate any advice or links to previous threads!
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2021 14:31:10 GMT
Has anyone tried to speak to an FA-ex about attachment styles successfully? As I'm writing this, I'm not 100% sure myself on why I would want to do this. I definitely know I do not want to try to reconcile on under-coupled terms nor go back to what we had. But, I would be open to keeping the door open for the future if that makes sense. I know that achieving secure needs to be done on the individual's own terms but as he's quite self-aware and into psychology, perhaps he's already a self-aware FA. Right now, I'm in no contact, several weeks following a break up due to push-pull dynamic. I won't act on this soon if I decide to do so and make sure it's coming from a calm place, it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. I'd appreciate any advice or links to previous threads! There have been individuals on this site who have tried…but it really requires the person on the receiving end to be open to it and there often is more of a shut down, entrenchment versus being open to it. My suggestion is to turn your focus from your ex to what you need to do to progress on your path. If your ex approaches you and asks about what is different about you…then you can share your own personal journey through attachment insecurity.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 15, 2021 14:50:34 GMT
Also….it is very normal to hope and wish that the other person will discover his/her attachment issues and want to change them….but just as yours did not develop overnight…the same is true for your ex. A lot of time, people will decide to continue as they are instead of having to address the deep wounding that they experienced. That is not something that you can influence unfortunately. My suggestion is to close the door completely, focus on yourself and I suspect once you get enough time and distance away…you will see so many better options out there in the world.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2021 15:13:29 GMT
Has anyone tried to speak to an FA-ex about attachment styles successfully? As I'm writing this, I'm not 100% sure myself on why I would want to do this. I definitely know I do not want to try to reconcile on under-coupled terms nor go back to what we had. But, I would be open to keeping the door open for the future if that makes sense. I know that achieving secure needs to be done on the individual's own terms but as he's quite self-aware and into psychology, perhaps he's already a self-aware FA. Right now, I'm in no contact, several weeks following a break up due to push-pull dynamic. I won't act on this soon if I decide to do so and make sure it's coming from a calm place, it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. I'd appreciate any advice or links to previous threads! It seems like you're not being very honest with yourself and your motives, when you say you're not 100% sure on why you would want to do this. You've stated in previous threads that you'd like recommendations on how to reconcile and expressed hope that he would come back. So first things first, be honest so that you're not gaslighting yourself. Also, the reconciliation fantasy is very common. And, it's based on the fantasy that the other person will see their ways and change for you so you can get the relationship you want from them. This is an AP's outward focus, being the fixer/healer/helper type. The real path to secure relationships for an AP is to change their fundamental approach to relationship, (and learn how to choose available partners, in contrast to fantasizing about reconciling with an unavailable ex partner). Have you introduced yourself to attachment theory in a deep way other than to become aware of his possible attachment style? There have been others here who tried to reform or "help" a partner only until they realized they were acting out their own relationship insecurity.
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Post by annieb on Dec 15, 2021 15:26:46 GMT
I’ve mentioned “avoidant” and “fearful avoidant” when I’ve put pieces together (within a push pull relationship I’ve been with with other avoidants (I’m a FA myself, although somewhat reformed and sometimes secure, and sometimes DA)), and the reaction I’ve gotten was either silence or “we can do better”. Or “I don’t think I’m an avoidant”. (Hey, he was probably correct and simply “avoided” me because he didn’t actually like me; there is always that very real possibility 😂). I’ve never met anyone, who would be receptive to any of my psychoanalysis of them so I’ve stopped doing that (it is annoying and it was my own cope so to speak). Until the guy I’m dating now pulled the attachment theory out himself on the second date. To my delight 🤓
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Post by stitchfull on Dec 15, 2021 15:33:18 GMT
Has anyone tried to speak to an FA-ex about attachment styles successfully? As I'm writing this, I'm not 100% sure myself on why I would want to do this. I definitely know I do not want to try to reconcile on under-coupled terms nor go back to what we had. But, I would be open to keeping the door open for the future if that makes sense. I know that achieving secure needs to be done on the individual's own terms but as he's quite self-aware and into psychology, perhaps he's already a self-aware FA. Right now, I'm in no contact, several weeks following a break up due to push-pull dynamic. I won't act on this soon if I decide to do so and make sure it's coming from a calm place, it's just something that's been in my mind for a while. I'd appreciate any advice or links to previous threads! It seems like you're not being very honest with yourself and your motives, when you say you're not 100% sure on why you would want to do this. You've stated in previous threads that you'd like recommendations on how to reconcile and expressed hope that he would come back. So first things first, be honest so that you're not gaslighting yourself. Also, the reconciliation fantasy is very common. And, it's based on the fantasy that the other person will see their ways and change for you so you can get the relationship you want from them. This is an AP's outward focus, being the fixer/healer/helper type. The real path to secure relationships for an AP is to change their fundamental approach to relationship, (and learn how to choose available partners, in contrast to fantasizing about reconciling with an unavailable ex partner). Have you introduced yourself to attachment theory in a deep way other than to become aware of his possible attachment style? There have been others here who tried to reform or "help" a partner only until they realized they were acting out their own relationship insecurity. I realised as I was typing that I wasn't 100% sure why I wanted to do this. Hence, I'm not planning to act on it until I'm sure of why. As I'm still healing from the breakup, my mind is still ruminating, processing so I'm not going to make any decisions until my emotions are under control. My question was out of curiosity and whether there were any prior experiences from people on this forum. I am aware I have work to do myself as well, as I definitely did not act "secure" in this relationship. Also, there is still a part of me that lives in reconciliation fantasy due to the nature of push-pull of this relationship. But, I know the only thing I can control is to work on myself and be happy.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2021 15:42:45 GMT
This does not work unless the person comes to you about it. Otherwise it comes off as you trying to save and change someone else, which is threatening and puts them into the defensive. Think about if you broke up with an ex and several weeks later they came to you to tell you what was "wrong" with you. Considering attachment wounding generally is most sensitive to romantic relationships, you're simply not the right person to be the messenger for this type of information to be heard and received.
I have had success when friends came to me in earnest in pain asking if there's anything "wrong" with them. My response is not wrong, but have you ever heard of attachment theory? It may help explain what you're experiencing, you should look more into it and we can talk about it if you're interested. Outside of this context, I've had zero success sharing attachment theory with people who weren't looking for their own answers in the first place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2021 16:01:02 GMT
It seems like you're not being very honest with yourself and your motives, when you say you're not 100% sure on why you would want to do this. You've stated in previous threads that you'd like recommendations on how to reconcile and expressed hope that he would come back. So first things first, be honest so that you're not gaslighting yourself. Also, the reconciliation fantasy is very common. And, it's based on the fantasy that the other person will see their ways and change for you so you can get the relationship you want from them. This is an AP's outward focus, being the fixer/healer/helper type. The real path to secure relationships for an AP is to change their fundamental approach to relationship, (and learn how to choose available partners, in contrast to fantasizing about reconciling with an unavailable ex partner). Have you introduced yourself to attachment theory in a deep way other than to become aware of his possible attachment style? There have been others here who tried to reform or "help" a partner only until they realized they were acting out their own relationship insecurity. I realised as I was typing that I wasn't 100% sure why I wanted to do this. Hence, I'm not planning to act on it until I'm sure of why. As I'm still healing from the breakup, my mind is still ruminating, processing so I'm not going to make any decisions until my emotions are under control. My question was out of curiosity and whether there were any prior experiences from people on this forum. I am aware I have work to do myself as well, as I definitely did not act "secure" in this relationship. Also, there is still a part of me that lives in reconciliation fantasy due to the nature of push-pull of this relationship. But, I know the only thing I can control is to work on myself and be happy. From an outsider's perspective, I think the most important question you could be asking is "Why am I ruminating, and what can I do about that?", but again it's very regularly that we get an AP poster here asking questions about their ex, instead of asking for advice about the ruminating piece. Again, it's the outward focus. Your happiness will come when you can resolve the rumination piece, because what you are ruminating ABOUT can not be resolved, its the reconciliation/happily every after with the person who broke up with you fantasy.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 15, 2021 17:51:29 GMT
Something that the insecure reconciliation fantasy where the ex becomes magically secure doesn't take into account btw is that shifting attachment style fundamentally changes people and their dynamics. If the attraction was primarily influenced by attachment wounds coming together (as is generally the case in the anxious and avoidant trap), then you may easily grow apart as one or both of you changes. Insecure attachers tend to not know themselves well because they are disconnected from themselves, and they need to get to know themselves again as they become more secure. Which means they may end up as someone you don't fully recognize. And if someone, like your ex, becomes secure and available and you don't do the same work on your attachment issues, you'll actually lose interest. Because AP and FA don't feel longing for someone emotionally available and present. It feels unfamiliar and off.
All of this is to say, focus on yourself to move forward and actually feel better in a long-term way. Staying in a rumination fantasy is actually a dysfunctional coping mechanism to keep you stuck and avoiding truly processing, healing, and regulating yourself without someone else to do it for you.
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Post by mrob on Dec 16, 2021 1:06:41 GMT
Rumination and processing are entirely different things, I’ve found, and one does not necessarily lead to the other.
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Post by krolle on Dec 16, 2021 12:21:04 GMT
Rumination and processing are entirely different things, I’ve found, and one does not necessarily lead to the other. One is cyclical the other progressive?
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Post by mrob on Dec 16, 2021 15:30:36 GMT
That’s right. The years I spent going around and around, and was none the wiser at the end of them. Just sick, tired and bewildered.
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dexter
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Post by dexter on Dec 17, 2021 13:00:59 GMT
Stitchfull, you have here some really good replies, although they might be not what you wanted to read. I can say, from my experience, that talking about THEIR issues can be triggering for an FA and they will deactivate even more.
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Post by krolle on Dec 17, 2021 13:26:59 GMT
That’s right. The years I spent going around and around, and was none the wiser at the end of them. Just sick, tired and bewildered. I feel that brother.
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Post by krolle on Dec 17, 2021 13:32:55 GMT
Stitchfull, you have here some really good replies, although they might be not what you wanted to read. I can say, from my experience, that talking about THEIR issues can be triggering for an FA and they will deactivate even more. As has been said before I think it depends on a lot of factors. What stage of personal development/awareness they are at, how recent and toxic the break uo/ relationship, how you approach it and your underlying intentions. In my current position I would love to talk to some of my exes about attachment styles. Even the ones I dumped. But that's because I'm very aware now. And I'm not in a deactivation at the moment. Also it woukd require the other party to cone at me with he genuine compassion and the desire to have a mutually beneficial adult conversation. If there was an undertone of trying to use attachment theory to ethically trap me back into a relationship or critize then I'd still e have but be very much more reluctant. And the effect wouldn't be as positive. And even if it was a really healthy conversation that rejuvenated my affection for them It's still no guarantee I would want to get back together.
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