Both of us FAs

You're veering wayyyyy into unhealthy, AP territory here. This is classic. You need to stop analyzing him and analyze yourself- I don't mean that unkindly but you are drinking the AP kool-aid and buying into the fixer healer helper mentality with everything you've got and it's really unhealthy.

What does AP stand for?

When you're a young child, you can't regulate your own nervous system and emotions yet. You're not capable. So it's very important for at least some of the adults around to be attuned with you and sooth you, then as you get a little older, help teach you how to self-soothe. You don't have object permanence yet, you don't have a sense of self versus others or healthy boundaries, you need to learn it all. Some of it happens naturally, too (object permanence should develop between ages 2-4 or something like that if a kid is meeting healthy milestones). In my opinion, if you're around the same adults your entire childhood into your teens, they are probably going to have the same parenting habits and dynamics throughout. Maybe they'll change but most people don't unless they really want to or something major has happened. So that means, whatever dynamic you experienced when you were 0-3, you'll probably get more of the same with the same people and have it reinforced over and over as you become an older child. So the framework starts early and then most likely gets reinforced, and that's what you've learned. There's an age that, if trauma happens, you're still emotionally forming and your brain is developing. So if you were secure until you were, say, 7 years old, then experience a traumatic death or something, without good guidance you may start developing dysfunctional defense mechanisms because you're still an immature kid and don't know better how to cope. If something traumatic happens when you're a teenager or older, it's still going to impact you, but you may have more and better and more mature emotional tools at your disposal to handle it (or an already established dysfunctional set of tools and an insecure attachment style with patterns you lean on to try to cope). So again, my opinion is, the framework for your nervous system wiring and attachment style is formed in early life and reinforced, but other things can happen that can change it. More trauma without the tools to handle it is one way to get more insecure. Being an adult who decides to heal trauma and takes responsibility to earn security is one way to get more secure.

Oh yes, in my head I am stage 3 clinger! Ugh. I don’t know why I do this. I started reading something about healing old wound and I really did think about my parent in childhood being non emotional and never getting his attention in a positive way and how I really might be actually trying to fix that like they say and it just blew my mind. I know I’ve heard it a million times but it clicked finally that I try so hard when unavailable guy needs help because I want to prove I can and fix that childhood wound.

Or this! Inconsistency and neglect can cause it as well.

Right- seriously try to turn it off right now because the only thing you should be focusing on is that clinger dysfunction. This is stage 5 given he wants to see other people and has seen you once since November. See this for what it is, instead of all these distractions and fantasies. You are acting out your issues and that's all you need to know. I wish you the best but you won't find it in threads like this. Focus on your own wounds.

Thank you introvert for your help. If anyone has suggestions on how to work on self, how they did it?