Both of us FAs

You will never get anywhere but where you're at right now with a guy who spends all his time yanking your chain and making excuses not to talk to you or see you. In spite of whatever fantasy you have about him falling in love and turning into an actual relationship partner, it's HIGHLY unlikely this will go any farther than it has. If you spend your energy making excuses for his absence instead of registering it as a sign of his unavailability, you are missing something and need to take a step back and look at what you're doing.

Both of you are in an insecure, unavailable trap. The only way out is to stop telling yourself a story about what it could be and look at WHAT IT IS, in the harsh light of day. List out the problems without making reasons and excuses that make it palatable, and what have you got? A lot of unavailability,. Pair that with fantasy and you've got nothing to look forward to but the same, unfortunately.

Hi! Just learning how to reply. Sorry I’m such a newbie. I need for things to progress eventually but I guess I’m okay with his current hesitation and seems that if someone is scared of their feelings, one normal reaction would be to back off. So I feel like some time for him to get a grip is maybe okay given his strong relationship history and desire to have a relationship.

I guess it might be a repeating pattern that never goes anywhere.

1st reply helped me see that he might want me to chase but also he might be stuck in the whole control of accepting or limiting what interactions we have. Which makes me want to pull back completely to let him come forward when he is ready. I realized that core wound was discussed on our last date where he literally said he didn’t want me to see him as a charity case and was insecure about it. I told him I understood him but still didn’t feel like I could tell him he was an FA and so am I. I guess a part of me feels like since I am as well, and run from other people, maybe this is someone that I can deal with my issues together with. Or maybe it’ll be just us triggering each other? He points out to me when I say he runs that I run too. I am not as bad as he is, but I’ll do it much quicker and have tried to flee in the middle of a date before lol. I’ve calmed down since…so I feel like I’m unlikely to do it again. But maybe he has just provoked my anxious side. Anyway, last time I saw him he said he didn’t want to be charity and I reassured him I understood him but then he very clearly exposed a core wound and said he was damaged a few times. He was hearing himself make excuses for why he couldn’t see me that week and was realizing how ridiculous that was. It feels like he is really aware and if I give him info about this he might make effort to improve. He shows so much concern over how he acts already. I’m grappling with the idea that he might see me as a doormat not a patiently waiting woman who cares about him. I’ve been making a lot of excuses for his behavior but it’s also my behavior. Do 2 FAs work out? Anyone know?

I think I’ve been thinking that it takes an extreme amount of patience. I did some googling and I’m realizing although he did want a relationship the way he is acting is technically simmering or breadcrumbing. I typically would be the first to abandon such a dynamic but because I realized his fears and he was so open and vocal about what he wanted, it seemed he was working towards something real. But I guess I’ll just treat him like the rest of men I avoid? I was really trying to do something the opposite with him. I have said that with him from the start “I’m meeting you tonight for a date because I normally wouldn’t.” He was anxious then. I really though that once I got over the fear things would be good and we would both come together so I guess I was maybe considering this as a small amount of time he would need to get over his fear too? Thanks for listening to me and giving me such great feedback.

The perspectives you've gotten here so far are good.

There's a couple other aspects for you to consider here. Someone can say they are struggling but aware and really want to try, try to salvage the relationship, try to make things work, try to be different. They can say anything they want! But it is totally meaningless if words and actions are not aligned. Whether or not you can trust someone, whether or not you should invest in someone as "maybe this is someone I can work my own issues out together with," is strongly dependent on their consistency. The biggest red flag for an insecure attacher that they are choosing a partner who will not be able to meet their needs and is not ready to heal with them is words don't match actions (and perhaps don't match feelings). If there are inconsistencies and mismatches in these areas, that is enough to tell you it won't work, not even with patience. It's not enough to believe only their words, or only their actions (yes, there's a saying actions speak louder than words). The only way someone can be believed is both words and actions say the same thing and are consistent. Otherwise, if anything doesn't match, you need to believe the more negative of the words or actions.

@introvert is right that what you see is what you get and you're in the middle of typical FA-FA relating right now. He is more avoidant than you right now, so he is indeed pushing you more anxious. Usually FAs trigger each other. One goes anxious so the other goes avoidant. The anxious one starts getting more avoidant and distancing in response, and then the one who was acting avoidant gets more anxious, so, switch! Over and over goes the cycle. Or, one FA takes the DA role and the other takes the AP role in the attachment to each other.

The reason I'm writing all of this is, it means he's unfortunately not a safe partner for you. The idea of working on attachment issues together doesn't usually work for two reasons.

One is you both need to be in the same exact place, putting in equal effort to work hard and at the same speed. You can tell him that you've realized you have an FA attachment style and it might help him to know that and do a test of his own attachment style too. From there you'd need to be totally hands off, because whether or not he's ready to deal with it or even receptive is all about where he is at and has absolutely nothing to do with you or how much he cares about you.

Which bring us to two. Changing attachment style and becoming more secure is effectively healing trauma that led to developing an insecure attachment style to cope with it and provide you with some defense mechanisms that worked in the bad situation in the past. But as an adult, they are dysfunctional defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms that no longer serve the purpose they once did. Instead, they get in the way of healthy relating and two insecures in a romantic relationship will trigger each other and often distract from healing the underlying past trauma. So, becoming more secure is a very individual thing rather than working together. The part that can work together with someone on the same page as you about wanting to heal is when they are supportive, consistent, and do not trigger you. Then you have enough space to focus on your own healing while having the support of a good, stable partner.

I don't think he can provide you with what you need to have a secure relationship with him, so you both need to show up for that. Telling him about your attachment styles in the way I described probably won't hurt, but I don't think it will change anything or make him show up in the way you're hoping. I doubt he's ready to deal with it since he is barely showing up in person for the relationship now as is, which reflects that he's not really dealing with his issues.

It is very commendable that you are taking the initiative and responsibility to become aware, do more research, and consciously try to act differently than you have in the past. It truly is great that you are doing these things for yourself, and even if it doesn't work out with this guy, it's okay. Keep up the good work on yourself, and little by little, you'll start to heal and will meet people more on your level who also are growing and healing. Pairing with another unaware insecure not doing the work is a recipe for getting stuck in an unhealthy pattern, though. So keep doing your work, and keep an eye on whether the people you date are inconsistent instead of truly showing up in words and actions.

Being secure doesn't mean controlling or pushing down your own needs and anxiety, though. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, it's not secure. Secure is being able to depersonalize it when he is having his own issues and showing up for yourself, not abandoning yourself. You don't react from a triggered place, but you do state your needs clearly and honestly without shame, and then you see how the partner responds. If the partner responds in a way that can't ever meet your needs, you accept the reality in front of you and leave, eventually reopening yourself to someone who is emotionally available and can meet your needs. With whom there's equal give and take, mutual comfort with independence and interdependence and no walking on eggshells or pushing things under the rug to avoid discussing them.

You say he keeps saying he wants to understand his behavior. But is he doing anything about it? Once I wanted to understand my behavior, I obsessively looked for everything I could get my hands on... articles, research papers, videos, podcasts, psychology textbooks. No one was giving me any information, so I was seeking it out on my own and very driven to do so. I should have found a good therapist but didn't know how to do that or what I needed, so I compensated in other ways because I was driven to do so (even though it took longer than it would have with a therapist I'm sure).

If he's just saying to you, "I want to understand and change," but not doing anything else about it, not going to therapy, not searching for sources on his own, then he's not serious. He's instead treating you as a therapist instead of a love interest, has lousy boundaries since you shouldn't treat your partner as a therapist, and is still looking to others (you) to fix the problem and emotionally regulate him.

He sounds inconsistent in that he's saying he wants to work towards a relationship with you but barely sees you after five months and still wants to date other people. There's moving slowly to get to know each other and still escalating the relationship with forward momentum even if it's slow, and there's avoiding commitment. "He pulls back and won’t see me even though he says he’d love to see me" plus disappearing sometimes is inconsistent.

This is hugely important. I was dating an FA for 7 months who said personal growth was important to him. I could tell from the start he wasn't secure, and we explored attachment enough for him to recognize he was an FA.  But that was as far as it went. He kept saying he wanted to grow and be a better person, but then there was nothing to back that up. Like Alexandra, I was pouring through self help resources and had put myself on a waiting list for a trauma therapy program.  He at one point seemed like he was trying to find a counselor then he shut it down and said counselling was only for people with problems like me. 

I think I could sense the cognitive dissonance of this person saying he wanted to grow but not any actions. Near the end when I started to express concerns over lack of respect, he said he "needed my help" to change and it really rubbed me the wrong way that on some level he wanted me to do the heavy lifting.  No surprise when he went from being 100% in and saying I was the women he was going to marry to him ending things abruptly after we hit some conflict.