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Post by charlii on Jan 23, 2022 5:27:32 GMT
Do these things really only come from trauma or incidents as a child? Like can't someone with a normal easy childhood still come out as FA, or DA etc from a situation, like a bad breakup?
I assume we are all born secure:)?
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Post by anne12 on Jan 23, 2022 5:48:46 GMT
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Post by charlii on Jan 23, 2022 7:37:18 GMT
Thank you. I saw car accidents as one. Could that also be a parent in a bad accident as a child. (person wasn't there but parent was in it) |
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Post by anne12 on Jan 23, 2022 8:25:02 GMT
charliiI would say yes. As children - also in uterous we Pick up so many things from our mother but also from our dads sperm as far as I can remember Our first experiences with love as teenagers can affect us, when we move out from our childhood home, our first adult relationship or relationships later in life can impact us… Attatchmentstyles are not stationary. Different life experiences, relationships ect can push us more into one of the insecure attatchmentstyles Because we are heard animals we get affected by other People’s nerveussystem ect. Our brain is first fully developed when we are 25 years old You can try to read the first post in the 3 healing threads in the general discussion forum You can inherit family trauma up to 7 generations back. Mark Wolyn talks about inherited family trauma 3 generations back: kisserpaludan.dk/mark-wolynn-it-didnt-start-with-you/
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Post by charlii on Jan 23, 2022 18:21:48 GMT
Thank you! Maybe that is part of this here
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 23, 2022 19:56:52 GMT
[04:17] Dr. Gabor Maté: Now, the first thing is that the more sensitive you are, the more you feel. And the more you feel, the less it takes to hurt you. So that events or circumstances that to somebody who’s less sensitive, more stolid, will not touch them that deeply at all. But the very sensitive person experiences them very deeply. And it can make a lot of pain. That’s the first point. So these are the people who are at highest risk. Secondly, I have talked to — well, hyperbolically — I have spoke to a million people. Of course I haven’t, but many, many hundreds at least. And this happy childhood takes me usually about two or three minutes to deconstruct it. And it’s not because the memories of happiness are not valid. It’s because they cover sometimes some very deep pain. And so you may not be in a position to answer these questions on behalf of your brother because you didn’t have his experience. No two children of the same parents or two children grew up in the same family.
[05:23] Dr. Gabor Maté: But I’d ask questions like is there trauma in the family over the generations? What kind of childhood did your parents have? Was there any stress between them at all? How was the pregnancy? Was Harris ever — did he ever feel alone or unhappy as a child? If he did, who did you speak to about it? Did he perhaps have a tendency to have ADD-type problems which again, come out of a high degree of sensitivity? So I could ask you those questions about your family, but I don’t know that you’d be accurate in your responses, in a sense that you’d be giving your experience, but you wouldn’t be giving your brother’s. And none of that has anything to do with blaming parents. Because, yes, your parents were loving. Yes, they loved each other. They loved you guys. They would have done anything for you. But I’d want to know what stresses they had that a sensitive kid may have picked up on.
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Post by charlii on Jan 23, 2022 22:23:44 GMT
Thank you!
Had a better day yesterday ..Well I forced myself to honestly. A little bit of ruminating/analysis today and definitely missing..alot actually. Maybe the first 2 weeks are really hard. I was up really late last night bc I couldn't sleep.
We have mutual friends, and saw a story on social media. He's a homebody, but saw him driving w 3 other people. 1 a friend I really don't like bc I don't think he really cares about my Ex the way a friend needs to (he just strikes me as so not his type, but maybe bc he doesnt need to share too much w him); . 1 I do like; and a person driving that is just not his type of person from what he has said of him. My ex is like me in that he can socialize around anyone, He does not know I do not like his friend I try to be cordial and nice but I feel I see through him.
.
I took care of myself, had fun, etc. I don't know why I would except him to stay in,. I don't know why I did that. Except it's healing I guess just to get out. Bc I do want him to heal but my mind associated him unable to heal around idiots (2/3) lol I know total immature.
I also remembered that the 1st time this happened, he joined the gym maybe even before we broke up. He is not a gym type. I know bc a friend goes to the same gym and sees him. He never told me he joined, and that's fine but it makes sense and I assume this is when this all first went down last spring. Im glad he was trying to feel better.
I figured he was working on self, but afraid to talk about that. f. But he is conscious too. Have a feeling it was more for the chemical component in him mind (ie dopamine). . He did tell me he was walking lol except my friend said at the gym. Can these chemicals improve anything about attachment?? Also, I guess he was trying to get over the pain he knew that I didn't know yet or understand.
I was wondering this as well- when this all happened last time, he practically removed himself on social media. I felt like something was upsetting him on there bc he was always an active liker (never posted stuff about himself) and then just stopped going on. He told me that he didn't go on much
. Like he stopped using it and he even said not to contact him on there anymore, just text and snapchat (which ofc at the time I took personal inside so yes I acknowledge my anxious side brewing back then). Maybe now that I am reading all this was it couples or relationships that were upsetting him..
Our timing is weird bc this so called friend now has a girlfriend . He does not have alot of close friends --nor me. I have a couple good ones.
I just wonder if these things, and couples etc are a trigger. I guess it can be.
Do avoidant persons ever go back and do the work, and then decide they miss the person, and try again;
or do they associate the person with stress/ anxiety forever, and then want to move to the next person to try for success as new and improved?.
Can anyone take a shot to decipher what he may have mean when he was upset at me for the space thing--thikning that if I had given him space or a couple months to heall before we could probably be together again and I would have asked you again (I guess to date) but now it's worse? what is this--is this his mind thinking of a way to break the bond so he can go back to it??
Lastly, has anyone noticed the body language of fearful avoidant in pictures when it comes to couples??
Sorry for this kind of post. That kind of day.
So upset bc I thought we were both independent and interdependent. We just loved our times together. If I knew he would work on himself, I would be so happy. I started on me.
It saddens me to know I was what upsets him. Seeing me is that trigger for unhappiness when we were happy together. I feel sick
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 23, 2022 22:39:28 GMT
Thank you! Had a better day yesterday ..Well I forced myself to honestly. A little bit of ruminating/analysis today and definitely missing..alot actually. Maybe the first 2 weeks are really hard. I was up really late last night bc I couldn't sleep. We have mutual friends, and saw a story on social media. He's a homebody, but saw him driving w 3 other people. 1 a friend I really don't like bc I don't think he really cares about my Ex the way a friend needs to (he just strikes me as so not his type, but maybe bc he doesnt need to share too much w him); . 1 I do like; and a person driving that is just not his type of person from what he has said of him. My ex is like me in that he can socialize around anyone, He does not know I do not like his friend I try to be cordial and nice but I feel I see through him. . I took care of myself, had fun, etc. I don't know why I would except him to stay in,. I don't know why I did that. Except it's healing I guess just to get out. Bc I do want him to heal but my mind associated him unable to heal around idiots (2/3) lol I know total immature. I also remembered that the 1st time this happened, he joined the gym maybe even before we broke up. He is not a gym type. I know bc a friend goes to the same gym and sees him. He never told me he joined, but it makes sense and I assume this is when this all first went down last spring. I figured he was working on self, but afraid to talk about that. f. But he is conscious too. Have a feeling it was more for the chemical component in him mind (ie dopamine). . He did tell me he was walking lol except my friend said at the gym. Can these chemicals improve anything about attachment?? Also, I guess he was trying to get over the pain he knew that I didn't know yet or understand. I was wondering this as well- when this all happened last time, he practically removed himself on Insgragram. I felt like something was upsetting him on there bc he was always an active liker (never posted stuff about himself) and then just stopped going on. He told me that he didn't go on much I actually thought it was couples pics tbh or some self esteem issue . Like he stopped using it and he even said not to contact him on there anymore, just text and snapchat (which ofc at the time I took personal inside so yes I acknowledge my anxious side brewing back then). Our timing is weird bc this so called friend now has a girlfriend for about a month. He does not have alot of close friends --nor me. I have a couple good ones. I just wonder if these things, and couples etc are a trigger. I guess it can be. Lastly, has anyone noticed the body language of fearful avoidant in pictures when it comes to couples?? Sorry for this kind of post. That kind of day. Is there a way you can turnoff social media for a while? Because the more updates you see about him…the more likely that it will cause analysis paresis.The less you hear, see or read abou him…the more of an opportunity you have to really process your grief and more forward. |
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Post by charlii on Jan 23, 2022 22:43:05 GMT
Thank you! Had a better day yesterday ..Well I forced myself to honestly. A little bit of ruminating/analysis today and definitely missing..alot actually. Maybe the first 2 weeks are really hard. I was up really late last night bc I couldn't sleep. We have mutual friends, and saw a story on social media. He's a homebody, but saw him driving w 3 other people. 1 a friend I really don't like bc I don't think he really cares about my Ex the way a friend needs to (he just strikes me as so not his type, but maybe bc he doesnt need to share too much w him); . 1 I do like; and a person driving that is just not his type of person from what he has said of him. My ex is like me in that he can socialize around anyone, He does not know I do not like his friend I try to be cordial and nice but I feel I see through him. . I took care of myself, had fun, etc. I don't know why I would except him to stay in,. I don't know why I did that. Except it's healing I guess just to get out. Bc I do want him to heal but my mind associated him unable to heal around idiots (2/3) lol I know total immature. I also remembered that the 1st time this happened, he joined the gym maybe even before we broke up. He is not a gym type. I know bc a friend goes to the same gym and sees him. He never told me he joined, but it makes sense and I assume this is when this all first went down last spring. I figured he was working on self, but afraid to talk about that. f. But he is conscious too. Have a feeling it was more for the chemical component in him mind (ie dopamine). . He did tell me he was walking lol except my friend said at the gym. Can these chemicals improve anything about attachment?? Also, I guess he was trying to get over the pain he knew that I didn't know yet or understand. I was wondering this as well- when this all happened last time, he practically removed himself on Insgragram. I felt like something was upsetting him on there bc he was always an active liker (never posted stuff about himself) and then just stopped going on. He told me that he didn't go on much I actually thought it was couples pics tbh or some self esteem issue . Like he stopped using it and he even said not to contact him on there anymore, just text and snapchat (which ofc at the time I took personal inside so yes I acknowledge my anxious side brewing back then). Our timing is weird bc this so called friend now has a girlfriend for about a month. He does not have alot of close friends --nor me. I have a couple good ones. I just wonder if these things, and couples etc are a trigger. I guess it can be. Lastly, has anyone noticed the body language of fearful avoidant in pictures when it comes to couples?? Sorry for this kind of post. That kind of day. Is there a way you can turnoff social media for a while? Because the more updates you see about him…the more likely that it will cause analysis paresis.The less you hear, see or read abou him…the more of an opportunity you have to really process your grief and more forward. Well I guess I am not strong enough to not use social media. There is nothing to look on his, neither of us really post much anyway. We have friends mutually. And I saw it. I don't want to give up my own media and not interfering w me nor me him. He asked for the space so...I assume it means forever A little embarrassed to admit this kind of day and my thoughts. This is my first bad one. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 24, 2022 14:50:00 GMT
Is there a way you can turnoff social media for a while? Because the more updates you see about him…the more likely that it will cause analysis paresis.The less you hear, see or read abou him…the more of an opportunity you have to really process your grief and more forward. Well I guess I am not strong enough to not use social media. There is nothing to look on his, neither of us really post much anyway. We have friends mutually. And I saw it. I don't want to give up my own media and not interfering w me nor me him. He asked for the space so...I assume it means forever A little embarrassed to admit this kind of day and my thoughts. This is my first bad one. The thing is…any time you see something about him via your friend’s page…It is going to set you back into analyzing him instead of moving forward. I had to ask my friends not to share anything about B with me and I had to unfollow friends who interacted with him so they would not appear on my main page. In time, when you can see something about him and not get caught up in analysis…you can follow them again. It is precisely because you need time to grieve that I am making this recommendation. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 15:01:13 GMT
Well I guess I am not strong enough to not use social media. There is nothing to look on his, neither of us really post much anyway. We have friends mutually. And I saw it. I don't want to give up my own media and not interfering w me nor me him. He asked for the space so...I assume it means forever A little embarrassed to admit this kind of day and my thoughts. This is my first bad one. The thing is…any time you see something about him via your friend’s page…It is going to set you back into analyzing him instead of moving forward. I had to ask my friends not to share anything about B with me and I had to unfollow friends who interacted with him so they would not appear on my main page. In time, when you can see something about him and not get caught up in analysis…you can follow them again. It is precisely because you need time to grieve that I am making this recommendation. , if you can see how the sighting led to extended analysis of him and caused quite a bit of negativity for you, you might be inclined to try unfollowing friends who might share about him for a while. It's for your own good, to create a boundary around yourself so you can heal and apply insight to your own situation, your own inner wounds that need healing. |
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Post by charlii on Jan 24, 2022 18:00:11 GMT
Maybe I will try that when I get a little stronger.
I am not quite sure why he hasn't stopped viewing since he is still viewing my stuff I noticed today
Thought for sure he wold take me off maps and things like that but he hasn't.
I haven't either but my personality is like that..as you can see.
I really have never had a bad ending with anyone -friend or relationship wise..So this is all new for me.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 24, 2022 21:09:50 GMT
Maybe I will try that when I get a little stronger. I am not quite sure why he hasn't stopped viewing since he is still viewing my stuff I noticed today Thought for sure he wold take me off maps and things like that but he hasn't. I haven't either but my personality is like that..as you can see. I really have never had a bad ending with anyone -friend or relationship wise..So this is all new for me. Just remember that FAs “typically” do not want to shut the door completely….but it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. His behaviors will likely seem very strange because your attachment style is different from his. Remind yourself that he had a chance to have a relationship with you but was unable to and checking you page occasionally does not change that. I actually had to defriend B because I was spending far too much time in a state of confusion, hope and over analysis. Sometimes it is best to cut ties for a short period of time until you can get your balance back. |
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Post by cherrycola on Jan 24, 2022 21:39:27 GMT
Maybe I will try that when I get a little stronger. I am not quite sure why he hasn't stopped viewing since he is still viewing my stuff I noticed today Thought for sure he wold take me off maps and things like that but he hasn't. I haven't either but my personality is like that..as you can see. I really have never had a bad ending with anyone -friend or relationship wise..So this is all new for me. Just remember that FAs “typically” do not want to shut the door completely….but it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. His behaviors will likely seem very strange because your attachment style is different from his. Remind yourself that he had a chance to have a relationship with you but was unable to and checking you page occasionally does not change that. I actually had to defriend B because I was spending far too much time in a state of confusion, hope and over analysis. Sometimes it is best to cut ties for a short period of time until you can get your balance back. This. As an FA shutting the door is very uncomfortable and in the past I would keep tangential ties to people even if I never want to see them again. You would be best to try to take a temporary break otherwise all you are doing is keeping the connection alive. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 22:23:57 GMT
Just remember that FAs “typically” do not want to shut the door completely….but it doesn’t mean he wants to get back together. His behaviors will likely seem very strange because your attachment style is different from his. Remind yourself that he had a chance to have a relationship with you but was unable to and checking you page occasionally does not change that. I actually had to defriend B because I was spending far too much time in a state of confusion, hope and over analysis. Sometimes it is best to cut ties for a short period of time until you can get your balance back. This. As an FA shutting the door is very uncomfortable and in the past I would keep tangential ties to people even if I never want to see them again. You would be best to try to take a temporary break otherwise all you are doing is keeping the connection alive. Rare instance of the DA move being the best move! Cut ties and let this die. So you can move on. |
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