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Post by charlii on Feb 8, 2022 14:25:08 GMT
Yes introvert. Healing from a break up "they say" has different stages. I am sure it is not textbook either. I will have moments of shifting in how strong/weak, sure/conflicted, etc. that I am
This is how I know I work, and clearly it's different from you (not to beat you up either). My example..this happened to us earlier in the 1st break up. Nothing made sense, triggering an elevated anxiety (I had some other major life stuff going on already about a month prior..BIG STUFF). Anyway, by me asking questions, to myself, to him, the logic, the why, etc to myself. Drove me crazy..It was not good for me at all. But you know waht? AT the end...within 2 months..I got myself to a great place..
.I was able to figure ALOT out about the situation (Breakup). Anxiety about the other stuff went way down. I also got myself at least moving to be more secure..., despite yet another big event unrelated to him happening in the end of September. I was still cool and solid. Not anxious.. This recent breakup def pulled off that bandaid and took me back to that bad place. So now it is just me ruminating for lack of a better word till my brain figures out 'enough' for me to be comfortable to move on....And yes I am getting there. I already know that I won't know everything and the why. He had that power to clarify it, and couldn't or wouldn't.
I am not saying moments of thought creep in and mess w my mind bc it does.
I know my personality. I forgive, don't forget. I move on, even if inside I am sad. That is just me. I may go a different way to get there than most. I read and even reread things people write here. And am introspective.
Some people work w emotions only, I work w logic and emotions. When it doesn't make 'sense' to me..I try to figure it out. Now that I am new and learning (Im an excellent student.always have been), I learned that it is to do with both parties..not just the one. That is a huge step for me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2022 15:06:42 GMT
Yes introvert. Healing from a break up "they say" has different stages. I am sure it is not textbook either. I will have moments of shifting in how strong/weak, sure/conflicted, etc. that I am This is how I know I work, and clearly it's different from you (not to beat you up either). My example..this happened to us earlier in the 1st break up. Nothing made sense, triggering an elevated anxiety (I had some other major life stuff going on already about a month prior..BIG STUFF). Anyway, by me asking questions, to myself, to him, the logic, the why, etc to myself. Drove me crazy..It was not good for me at all. But you know waht? AT the end...within 2 months..I got myself to a great place.. .I was able to figure ALOT out about the situation (Breakup). Anxiety about the other stuff went way down. I also got myself at least moving to be more secure..., despite yet another big event unrelated to him happening in the end of September. I was still cool and solid. Not anxious.. This recent breakup def pulled off that bandaid and took me back to that bad place. So now it is just me ruminating for lack of a better word till my brain figures out 'enough' for me to be comfortable to move on....And yes I am getting there. I already know that I won't know everything and the why. He had that power to clarify it, and couldn't or wouldn't. I am not saying moments of thought creep in and mess w my mind bc it does. I know my personality. I forgive, don't forget. I move on, even if inside I am sad. That is just me. I may go a different way to get there than most. I read and even reread things people write here. And am introspective. Some people work w emotions only, I work w logic and emotions. When it doesn't make 'sense' to me..I try to figure it out. Now that I am new and learning (Im an excellent student.always have been), I learned that it is to do with both parties..not just the one. That is a huge step for me. That great! I'm glad you're making progress. I was pushing back on your assertion that you weren't trying to get in his head by asking questions of me because I'm avoidant. I felt gaslit by you actually, that you were covering your tracks with me. So I questioned it, not to beat you up but to let you know I'm not co-signing what you did there, even though I'm glad that ultimately, you're getting to a better place. What I saw was ruminating and trying to pull me into it by asking a personal question after I commented to tnr9. I want to assert my own boundaries here because I'm here for my health. I know my personality as well, and I use logic as well. I wasn't mindreading, your reflex was to suggest I was. I was mindful of your original post even if you weren't. And yes, it's both parties, that's critical to understand. That's the key to being free from these dynamics, realizing your part in them. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 8, 2022 15:44:38 GMT
No I only have my situation to know of avoidance and characteristics (besides google). You mean by asking if emotional availability can just turn off (or on)?. It's all new to me and I am trying to understand what is foreign to me---Which actually makes a person learn accept and not mind read.
And my challenge is to accept the unknown as to why a person does things.
But know that is not to analyze the person, but to see how avoidance works...And see how I can deal with that.
The biggest for me is definitely that both parties thing...Which IRONICALLY AT has made me see, and this is what led me to the board.
And why I wanted to write him a letter that day--bc the 'lightbulb' went off. It almost seems like some form of it needs to be taught in early schooling IMO
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2022 16:01:50 GMT
No I only have my situation to know of avoidance and characteristics (besides google). You mean by asking if emotional availability can just turn off (or on)?. It's all new to me and I am trying to understand what is foreign to me---Which actually makes a person learn accept and not mind read. And my challenge is to accept the unknown as to why a person does things. But know that is not to analyze the person, but to see how avoidance works...And see how I can deal with that. The biggest for me is definitely that both parties thing...Which IRONICALLY AT has made me see, and this is what led me to the board. And why I wanted to write him a letter that day--bc the 'lightbulb' went off. It almost seems like some form of it needs to be taught in early schooling IMO Ok, fair enough, but I would just say that when it comes to understanding avoidance, between asking me and searching google, stick with google. I think you've gotten that message clear enough, my message to also you is that there are also avoidants who will tell you how they are feeling and what they are thinking about interactions with you, I'm one. It wouldn't be as easy to do for an unaware avoidant. What helps a person to learn, accept and not mind read is actually their own internal boundaries and you will understand more about that as you go on if you keep up the effort and try to be open to what those with empathetic experience (like tnr9) are trying to help you see about your own position in it all. I am not the only poster here interpreting your posts as getting inside his head, given your admission of rumination, and it's not unreasonable to interpret you that way. It's certainly not mind reading, given your original post. I'll respect your assertions here but I'm just speaking to my experience interacting with you. It doesn't feel as logical to me as it does to you. I do think you are making progress, but it's a long process. I'll hop off the thread and wish you the best! There are lots of great contributors here that can guide you through uncertainties you might have. Good luck! |
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Post by charlii on Feb 8, 2022 16:18:16 GMT
 Same! Oh an btw..I would rather hear!! |
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Post by crazyhorse on Feb 16, 2022 20:14:02 GMT
I have been dating an avoidant for almost 3 years and it definitely is a cycle; it was a dream in the beginning then after about 6 months she started getting distant. I asked and she said I was paranoid. It progressed and she broke up with me...then realized she "loves" me and "misses me" and came back with the "love bombing. 2nd time she broke up I made plans the next day to hang out with a friend to distract myself having learned my lesson and when she found out she blew my phone up all night crying about me "moving on" got back together. 6TH time I made plans to go hang out at a bar with friends, she decided to go too since we were still "friends," she wore this sexy black dress that she knew was my favorite to make sure that my eyes were on her all night and danced all over me. The 7th time she asked me to come over to "hang out and talk" I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I was going to be ok no matter what she decided. I had never done that before and I could see the panic in her eyes. She spent the entire night crying and needed me to stay with her. This time we have been broke up about 3 days and she's texted, asked me to come over the other day to let our "dogs" spend time together. She was drinking a lot and threw up while I was there so I took care of her while she clung to me. Next day, back to distance. I am going to have minimal contact and I am starting a meditation class to help me center myself. I love her and eventually want to be with her. Half of the day I spend wondering if she will come back again when she sees I am bettering myself and the other half I spend realizing how one sided the relationship was. Every time she had to "work on her", Every time she would say things to make me think that she was "done" with the relationship, Every time she has come back after realizing that she was "madly in love with me" and just didn't know how to handle it. Every time I jumped back in  |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 17, 2022 2:20:58 GMT
I have been dating an avoidant for almost 3 years and it definitely is a cycle; it was a dream in the beginning then after about 6 months she started getting distant. I asked and she said I was paranoid. It progressed and she broke up with me...then realized she "loves" me and "misses me" and came back with the "love bombing. 2nd time she broke up I made plans the next day to hang out with a friend to distract myself having learned my lesson and when she found out she blew my phone up all night crying about me "moving on" got back together. 6TH time I made plans to go hang out at a bar with friends, she decided to go too since we were still "friends," she wore this sexy black dress that she knew was my favorite to make sure that my eyes were on her all night and danced all over me. The 7th time she asked me to come over to "hang out and talk" I looked her straight in the eye and told her that I was going to be ok no matter what she decided. I had never done that before and I could see the panic in her eyes. She spent the entire night crying and needed me to stay with her. This time we have been broke up about 3 days and she's texted, asked me to come over the other day to let our "dogs" spend time together. She was drinking a lot and threw up while I was there so I took care of her while she clung to me. Next day, back to distance. I am going to have minimal contact and I am starting a meditation class to help me center myself. I love her and eventually want to be with her. Half of the day I spend wondering if she will come back again when she sees I am bettering myself and the other half I spend realizing how one sided the relationship was. Every time she had to "work on her", Every time she would say things to make me think that she was "done" with the relationship, Every time she has come back after realizing that she was "madly in love with me" and just didn't know how to handle it. Every time I jumped back in  I replied to your other thread. |
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Same! Oh an btw..I would rather hear!! 
