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Post by charlii on Jan 31, 2022 2:23:18 GMT
I was wondering about the typical breakup pattern for a FA.
After breakup, if they seek a rebound....
Do they ever seek a few simultaneous rebounds?
And is it usual for then to stay w the rebound or do they start to miss the original partner they broke up with?
Or they leave that alone?
I was just curious the typical pattern noticed
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Post by krolle on Feb 1, 2022 15:23:41 GMT
This is a difficult one to answer. The reality is everyone is different. Some do, some just shut down. I know personally when I split with my long term ex I didnt see any women romantically for perhaps 6-8 months after. And didnt consider dating for almost a year and a half after
But even asking that question, although natural, is just gonna be painful to you. I know it sounds absurdly cliche and emotionally redundant to you at the moment. But the best thing you can do is anything that makes you personally feel good. Laughter, hobbies, excercise, friends. If youre really dysregulated they will be hard to enjoy. But will definately speed up feeling better.
Though I'm a massive hypocrit telling you this. When I get broken up with suddenly and by someone I really liked, I'm so dysregulated I cant enjoy anything. And I'm just looking desperately for ways to restore my connection (triggered anxious) and to take away the pain.
Maybe you have an ex from a long time ago. And at the time you were absolutely crushed by it, and never thought you would be better. But now you think about them from time to time. It doesnt hurt to do so. Thats the kind of feeling you are trying to go for.
So do as I say, not as I do, and you'll be better off 😊
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Post by charlii on Feb 4, 2022 2:00:29 GMT
Thank you. Yea it stinks completely. I just am lost. Being called and feeling that you are definitely their EVERYTHING. Eearlier in the night even. And hours later a break up. I keep wondering what the heck was going through his mind that night like the light switch.
I never felt him majorly pull away. He always showed up, people pleased.(not good obv).....made sure I was ok and kept so much in. It's obvious he is longing for the partnership but I also now his fear of vulnerablity.
We really really close...
I guess that is why it happened.
I just was curious if they had moments of missing their 'everything'...or they just really want to forgot the pain.
This is the 2nd time this happened... The first time I felt he was anxious....(leaning). This time I feel he was dismissing (leaning) bc he blamed me for this (no 'space' after last breakup and I made it worse???) and seemed a little terse for him.
I really think me going away over the Christmas and gone longer set him off (I could see he missed me alot).
Actually better yet...do they EVER go back to that place..what happened, the feelings, their guilt..even if not right away?
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2022 2:10:13 GMT
Thank you. Yea it stinks completely. I just am lost. Being called and feeling that you are definitely their EVERYTHING. Eearlier in the night even. And hours later a break up. I keep wondering what the heck was going through his mind that night like the light switch. I never felt him majorly pull away. He always showed up, people pleased.(not good obv).....made sure I was ok and kept so much in. It's obvious he is longing for the partnership but I also now his fear of vulnerablity. We really really close... I guess that is why it happened. I just was curious if they had moments of missing their 'everything'...or they just really want to forgot the pain. This is the 2nd time this happened... The first time I felt he was anxious....(leaning). This time I feel he was dismissing (leaning) bc he blamed me for this (no 'space' after last breakup and I made it worse???) and seemed a little terse for him. I really think me going away over the Christmas and gone longer set him off (I could see he missed me alot). Actually better yet...do they EVER go back to that place..what happened, the feelings, their guilt..even if not right away? Attachment is only part of the equation and without him being on these boards…we can’t provide any details you are looking for. Also…accept what you don’t know….you going away for Christmas, unless he specifically said it set him off, likely isn’t the cause of the breakup. But consider this…do you want to have a relationship where you are constantly “guessing” about your partner or would you rather have someone who respects you enough to share what is bothering him? |
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Post by charlii on Feb 4, 2022 2:58:12 GMT
No..I meant a trigger of those types of fears that set in. Definltey not a problem in going away.
And you are right bc I realized he opens completely when he is really upset...which he was this time, tho not correct like he rewrote the story. But fine. But to hold that in is not right
Unless it was just the scapegoat for his emotions.
I don't want to guess at all. The thing that is eating me a little is that he was actually progressing. I saw him opening up, without pressure from me. IT was slow but it was happening. I also realize whatever his problem is seems. hurtful and upsetting bc he guards it so much.
But that is how this is right..
I do wish I knew about attachment before tho..either way.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2022 14:41:58 GMT
No..I meant a trigger of those types of fears that set in. Definltey not a problem in going away. And you are right bc I realized he opens completely when he is really upset...which he was this time, tho not correct like he rewrote the story. But fine. But to hold that in is not right Unless it was just the scapegoat for his emotions. I don't want to guess at all. The thing that is eating me a little is that he was actually progressing. I saw him opening up, without pressure from me. IT was slow but it was happening. I also realize whatever his problem is seems. hurtful and upsetting bc he guards it so much. But that is how this is right.. I do wish I knew about attachment before tho..either way. But you are looking for “micro” changes…..and as an FA myself who leans AP and has done the same thing….micro changes are not what you should be focused on….because micro changes can be driven by how he feels temporarily. Was he seeing a therapist? |
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Post by charlii on Feb 4, 2022 15:55:24 GMT
He is not seeing a therapist that I know of. He is a very aware person I don't know what his block is. He has obv admitted many of his shortcomings of not sharing things and his fear of vulnerablity and says I am the closest one to him and always will be and wishes that he was able to stop these mistakes. Hence, when he says he can't do the relationship, he says it is bc he really can't. This is wha tI believe he is freferring.
I had not mentioned that he was opeing up (even though I noticed it). I figured not to draw attention would keep it natural. But I was happy. Then it happened ;/
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 5, 2022 14:54:04 GMT
He is not seeing a therapist that I know of. He is a very aware person I don't know what his block is. He has obv admitted many of his shortcomings of not sharing things and his fear of vulnerablity and says I am the closest one to him and always will be and wishes that he was able to stop these mistakes. Hence, when he says he can't do the relationship, he says it is bc he really can't. This is wha tI believe he is freferring. I had not mentioned that he was opeing up (even though I noticed it). I figured not to draw attention would keep it natural. But I was happy. Then it happened ;/ Are you seeing a therapist? Because I think a somatic experiencing therapist would really help you. Usually when a person mind reads or tries to speak as if he/she knows what is going on with the other person…that is a sign of having a boundary issue….meaning,…knowing where you end and where he begins. I can provide more insight into this if you would like because I also had this same issue with the last guy I dated. The problem is…if you do not address it….it will cause a communication impediment in the future. It will also keep you stuck in other focus. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 5, 2022 19:54:43 GMT
I agree it is a boundary issue and like most everything else, never realized it until the actual breakup. But then again it didn't happen till th actual breakup. 'Boundary' was not in my vocabulary I would say respect was and I did try to make sure I was doing that.
People mind read bc they are not being told what the other thinks. It makes room for guessing and assuming 1000 things only leading to more anxiety.
As selfish as it sounds on my end, I never even saw my part in asking anything related and was wrapped up how I felt. Conversely, he's not saying how he felt so how would I know. Anything he did ask, I did it. Even the space, based on what I knew bc I was given no directions.
The lightbulb went off when I realized I didn't acknowledge his feeling (even tho the facts behind it were untrue....He changed the story but maybe that was just in upset). I didn't handle it right.
And that is when I kept thikning about how much we affect each other not just one sided. I also give myself credit bc I did ask if I was doing it all ok..I was aware. And was told I was...StillI was able to see 2 sides..(post bu)
Im not seeing a therapist. I want to see how I can get through this for now and see where it goes. But that being said..I will take any info you can give me.
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 5, 2022 21:48:25 GMT
I agree it is a boundary issue and like most everything else, never realized it until the actual breakup. But then again it didn't happen till th actual breakup. 'Boundary' was not in my vocabulary I would say respect was and I did try to make sure I was doing that. People mind read bc they are not being told what the other thinks. It makes room for guessing and assuming 1000 things only leading to more anxiety. As selfish as it sounds on my end, I never even saw my part in asking anything related and was wrapped up how I felt. Conversely, he's not saying how he felt so how would I know. Anything he did ask, I did it. Even the space, based on what I knew bc I was given no directions. The lightbulb went off when I realized I didn't acknowledge his feeling (even tho the facts behind it were untrue....He changed the story but maybe that was just in upset). I didn't handle it right. And that is when I kept thikning about how much we affect each other not just one sided. I also give myself credit bc I did ask if I was doing it all ok..I was aware. And was told I was...StillI was able to see 2 sides..(post bu) Im not seeing a therapist. I want to see how I can get through this for now and see where it goes. But that being said..I will take any info you can give me. I think an SE therapist is a great resource as you are exploring your side of things….typically…..we can only see, feel, acknowledge so much and a therapist is there to guide us. The reason I suggest an SE therapist is that it can be incredibly challenging to create a healthy boundary without understanding the unique space that is yours. And I do understand when someone isn’t being open about what is going on…but that just means accepting that you do not know….mind reading is not helpful, nor is it effective in getting the outcome you desire. It also can make the other person defensive. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 6, 2022 2:49:00 GMT
Yes...thanks.  BTW..the mind reading didn't happen till the break up day when I decided to make assumptions. And ofc giving space issue bc he never gave exactly what he needed and told me we were ding it right and it was helping him so much. So tho I did what I thought best since I wasn't told, Yes that was mind reading but I asked after for feedback. People pleasers don't give you honest feedback I guess. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2022 3:44:06 GMT
Yes...thanks.  BTW..the mind reading didn't happen till the break up day when I decided to make assumptions. And ofc giving space issue bc he never gave exactly what he needed and told me we were ding it right and it was helping him so much. So tho I did what I thought best since I wasn't told, Yes that was mind reading but I asked after for feedback. People pleasers don't give you honest feedback I guess. How have you determined he is a people pleaser? Time to shift from his actions back to your own. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 6, 2022 6:20:48 GMT
My own interactions. An example would be pleasing me, or thinking that... Not voicing opinions that are different in order to avoid a confrontation (tho I like disagreeing). Never wanting to rock the boat. Internalizing all of that.
Keeping opinions in to please others.In this case me...
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 6, 2022 12:15:29 GMT
My own interactions. An example would be pleasing me, or thinking that... Not voicing opinions that are different in order to avoid a confrontation (tho I like disagreeing). Never wanting to rock the boat. Internalizing all of that. Keeping opinions in to please others.In this case me... My brother does this and it is simply “avoiding confrontation” versus people pleasing. It is actually a deactivation strategy. Not rocking the boat is due to a need to keep the internal nervous system in check and isn’t really about the other person. So again, without any confirmation from him, you have interpreted his actions through your own lens. I am sure he felt it…no one wants to feel like they are being constantly analyzed…no one wants another person deciding in a vacuum who he/she is…which is why lack of communication is not an invitation to create your own story. I get it is frustrating….but the secure thing to do is simply to own that you do not know what you do not know and turn the attention back to what you do know and that is how what he did or didn’t say impacted you….how did it make you feel? That you know…that you can speak to…everything else is just trying to analyze without enough information. |
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Post by charlii on Feb 6, 2022 15:49:30 GMT
What do you mean keeping internal nervous system in check? This wasn't for major things..but I noticed he always did it for minor. His key if he did't want to answer or feels uncomfortable answering would be to deflect...and sometimes it would be over the most minor stuff that I was surprised, out of the blue. I never did it as analysis in a negative way. I would joke w him he always agrees with me . It was usually done in a cheerleader/my side type of way when he did it. |
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